That's not what I meant.

I'm going to take your advice and send a really positive Plan A type letter.
Perhaps it will make her smile and think of me in a good way.
I can always send another one later if necessary.

Thanks.

I know its not what ya meant!

Let some others chime in, I don't know a [email]d@mn[/email] thing, 3 months ago, I was YOU, and I was you for 6 months!

When in doubt though, stick with the plan, that's why its there. If this were easy, you wouldn't need a plan, right?

Hows this?

What I really want to say is that I love you, and I believe in our marriage and am trying very hard to improve myself. I am looking forward to working together to make our marriage something that makes both of us very happy again. I believe with all of my heart that this is possible.
I want to be THE safe place for you to be able to share your feelings. What matters most to me is you, and I'm committed to taking positive steps toward improving our relationship.
I really truly love you and am willing to do whatever I can to make us better than ever.

Love, ME

I think that comes closer to falling under the rules and regulations of Plan A, although you might just delete everything but the 1st 11 words. :P

I know, you want to talk. You want to TELL her, you want to make her HEAR YOU. You know that if you just keep trying you will find the magic way to say it so that it just clicks in her head and she believes you. I did that to my W. And it did work eventually.

Problem is, she's wayward. She doesn't hear what you say, because she's doing something she knows is wrong. So everything in her head is twisted, it HAS to be, because if it weren't, she wouldn't be able to do what she's doing. So when you say "I want to be the ONE." She doesn't hear "he wants be the ONE" She hears "oh ******! here we go again with him trying to control me!" And the rest is lost in the fog.

Its much better imo, I think getting some other feedback is a good plan, I'm just shootin the ****** with ya, lets let some others see what's up before you do anything. You aren't going to solve this NOW. Inaction is an action.

OOPS.
I already sent it...
I just can't seem to get this thing right.
I kinda feel like I'm at an 0 for (large#) at the plate...
sorry for the baseball reference, but I'm a die hard Red Sox fan...
I guess all I can do is be positive (as much as possible), and keep swinging.

Baseball?! Don't you know its FOOTBALL SEASON?!

More specifically, its MISSOURI TIGER SEASON!!

I'll see you all in New Orleans after we take care of OK this weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Anyone out there who can respond to my letter, and questions about any resource to help WW get some GOOD advice?

Please see my post from 8:28 this morning.
Thanks to all!

How do I balance setting my boundaries and expectations with maintaining solid Plan A type behavior? They seem contradictory.
My WW and I talked at length last night, and she said that she asked OM not to call anymore. However, it sounds as if she framed in sort of a "I'll get in trouble" if I (me) find out. she apparently made it clear to OM that it's not what she wants, but will create problems. This is infuriating.
She said she's not going to send a NC letter, because "it's not her" whatever that means... She's already sent and broken two such letters, so I'm not sure what good it would do anyway.
She also does not want to promise no contact because she thinks she might not be able to do it.
Sounds to me like she's already decided that she's going to continue to talk to him. She doesn't seem to give s**t about working to save our marriage.
I really need some direction on how to try to get her to re-engage in our life together and at least make an effort to work together.
Help...

Of course she will be in touch with him. She has no reason to NOT stay in touch with him. She is getting her needs met by TWO MEN currently WITH NO CONSEQUENCES WHATSOEVER. She would be nuts to give up her boyfriend. She can have her boyfriend and have her [censored] kissed at home, too. She is even rewarded with love letters! Now, where is the motivation to give that up?

Thank god you're here, Mel.
What do you suggest?
How do I get her to engage?
I think if we didn't have a young son, I would already be outta here.
I simply cannot come to grips with hurting him in this. I don't know how to stress to WW that she's ruining his chances for a happy healty home.
WW says she doesn't feel the same level of love for me that she used to and doesn't know why.
She has an individual counseling session set up with current (lame) counselor.
I told her that I want to try someone else. She seems open, but has said things like "You just want to find someone who says the A has to end". I told her that it's not that specific, but that I don't feel as though our current counselor is really addressing our most pressing need.
Frankly I think WW is projecting her own Not wanting to be told the affair has to end, on me...
As I asked earlier, how do I make my boudaries clear while accomplishing plan A?
Your insight has been tremendous!
I need a miracle...

Mel,
by the way, did you check out my posts from yesterday starting at 8:28am?
I was really hoping that you were on yesterday to help me with that...
Thanks again.

try, did you read my previous posts? I answered these questions before. Plan A does not stand for [censored] KISSING, and I think you think it does. It stands for doing everything you can to END THE AFFAIR and if that doesnt work, then going into PLAN B.

I think you are at the Plan B point and it is time to have a come-to-Jesus discussion with her.

Can you elaborate on the "come to Jesus thing?

I am completely disgusted with her at this point, and as you mentioned in a previous post, am finding the remaining love I have for her waning.

Sometimes I wonder if she's intentionally trying to make that happen so she can feel justified in us seperating.

she is telling you these things,like not having the same feelings for you, and all the other BS because she still wants to see OM and your allowing it.

I don't remember but did you expose the A?

You need to put an end to this right now.

I so agree with Mel, she has two men now.

I wrote this earlier, try:


I agree, which is why you must do what it takes to protect him from his irresponsible mother and take steps to protect his fathers mental health. You are the only sane, responsible parent he has right now. If she were allowed to leave with this boy, she would no doubt expose him to scumbags like the OM.

the things we are telling you are designed to save your marriage if that is possible. But going along with the status quo, as you are doing, is not going to achieve that. Your W will continue to see the OM, and it will get deeper and deeper, until she is stopped. As long as you tolerate it, she will continue to do it. And the longer she does it, the more tenuous your marriage becomes.

So, if she can't commit to NC, then I would suggest to her it is time to start looking for a nice room somewhere within walking distance of her new job. She would be required to pay child support to help you pay for a lady to come watch him during the day. I would have this discussion with her, try.

You enforce your boundaries with ACTIONS. Boundaries without actions are nothing more than alot of TALK and talk is CHEAP.

How do I do this (plan B)?
I have grave reservations about the effects of taking this drastic measure.
If, assuming she "wakes up", how could I ever trust that she wouldn't just one day take our son herself and go?
I feel as this is simply using him as a tool. I do not want to damage him in any way.
I'm convinced that if I did the Plan B thing that it would ensure the end of our marriage, which is what I want to save.
I've asked several times without response if there's a Forum of some kind that she could check out to get some sound advice based on reality.
Any ideas?
I'm not sure if my Plan A has been good enough to leave her feeling that she'd be missing anything from me...

Plan B is for you not her. R U ready?

try, I have grave reservations about continuing Plan A for 6 months AND SO DOES DR HARLEY. Plan A was never meant to be a way of life or a means of enabling a fogged out, cake eating WS. Every day that you continue this ill advised plan A, only serves to CEMENT her wayward, cake eating ways. She has no motivation to stop.

There is no forum on earth that can influence your wife to do anything against her will. There are no cute little magic words that can force her to give up her addiction. The only thing she will respond to are firmly defended BOUNDARIES. BUT YOU HAVE NO BOUNDARIES. NONE. She has made it clear she wants TWO MEN and has no motivation whatsoever to stop.

If you continue to try to draw her to you while she's in her affair, and while she's so disinterested in your marriage, there could be long-lasting physical and emotional consequences to you. Your wife understands how cruel her affair is to you. But she doesn't care about that, so you're left with guarding yourself against her thoughtlessness. That's why Plan B is recommended.


As you continue to enable her, two things are happening, your mental health and the stability of your marriage continues to erode. AND her love for you goes down with every enabling day.

Women do not love men they can't respect, and I assure you she can't respect some man who sends her a "love letter" the day after she tells him he is so unimportant to her that she just can't promise nc with her boyfriend. Women do not respect men they can run over, try. We find men like that DISGUSTING and REPULSIVE. That is what you are doing to your marriage by kissing her [censored] while she abuses you. That is NOT Plan A, try.

I guess...
Lay it on me.