Sometimes the truth is hard to hear. I myself tried telling you to take care of yourself and your son and to limit your conversations with the STBX to conversations that revolve only around your son. Eventually she would stop bringing her problems to you once she realizes that you aren't going to enable her.

Also I hope you have taken my words to heart regarding your STBX's drug use while your son is staying at her apartment.

And like AGG...you might not like the delivery of our words but we do have the best of intentions and we aren't trying to beat you up...just to give you advice that has worked, and in some cases, not worked for us.

Alluring

It's been a few months since I posted. I made some mistakes... most notably letting my stbx play my heart strings and when I came in here to tell you about a moment of weakness, I really felt like some of the subsequent advise went overboard.

But in the end there aren't many good online suppport sites for people going through divorce and I had a rough day today so I thought I'd add to my diary so maybe a year or two from now I can look back on all this, reread it, and use the information as a tool to prevent crap like this from ever happening to me again.

Since December, I have rarely contacted her. She is still dating man number three and her first husband (recently out of jail) has been advancing on her too from what I hear. It disgusts me.

But she still comes over unannounced all the time. She still flirts. I can't stop it even though I give her the cold shoulder and on multiple times I have come right out and said that I didn't want to spend time with her.

Take today for example. She came over and started moping my kitchen floor unannounced. I didn't want to talk to her so I told her I was going to the gym to work out. When I got back, I gave her the cold shoulder and she kept asking me why I had not showed any appreciation. I told her that I didn't ask her to come clean my house. She took offense to the word "my" and said we weren't divorced yet. That prompted me to remind her that she moved out in June to date another man and an arguement ensued.

The crux of my problem is I still can't afford to buy her out of the house. I had applied for a daycare subsidy to offset a $200 per month after school care expense but the waiting list to get on it was longer than I initially thought. I was going to use the subsidy to make budget room to borrow money to buy her out. But without the subsidy I am living check to check and can't do this.

She still says I owe her for the house we sold back in 2004 when we got in debt together. She owned the home that we lived in when we first got married.

Not only can I not afford to buy her out, I can also not afford a divorce attorney. It's the ultimate catch-22. That's why I've been stalling... for this subsidy.

But it's really beginning to sink in that I might have to sell the house that I refinanced into my own name after she moved out. I got a better interest rate and terms on my own and the house gives me a sense of pride. I'm 38 and I don't want to rent anymore.

I need to get this done somehow... schedule a mediation which will have no results because of our polar differences and get a judge to decide for us... and when that happens I just know the judge will divide the assets to include the marital property.

Man, I don't want to lose my house... uproot me and my son again.

She cheats on me, moves out on her own, leaves me with all the bills, takes 90% of the furniture out of our home, demands a buy out but pays virtually no child support, comes over and flirts with me while continuing to date another man... and after all this it's me who is set to lose the house.

I tell my son all the time that life isn't fair... it's a lesson I still have difficulty understanding sometimes too.

change the locks so she can't come in.
do you have at least a legal separation? i cannot remember. legal separations do not cost that much if you have an attorney do it, or you can do them on your own online and have it notarized.

once you have a legal separation in place i think life would be a bit different. it would be set in stone what would be done. and once you are legally separated for over a year, you can just automatically get a divorce (at least that is how it is here in NY state).

for child support, take her to court for that and have it garnished from her pay. go to social services and file a petition for child support. than that won't be hit or miss. it will be garnished, you get it, done.

in the separation agreement you can have it put in there about your house. now, is it in just your name now? if it is, she has no say in it! you don't have to buy her out.
if you are trying to refinance than have it put in the agreement that you will get refinancing within a year. after the year is up, if you cannot than you will sell it.

if she doesn't agree to sign the sep agreement than bring it in front of a judge. as long as it is a fair one, and one that covers what you would both legally be entitled to, he can force her to sign it.

mlhb

i called it a legal separation on my taxes so i hope that's what it is... basically i filed a petition for divorce back in november and have yet to follow through with it. in florida you have up to a year to do that... been stalling... but being that i filed, i would hope that makes me legally separated

also, the finances of the house are in my name only... she signed off on those back when i refinanced in october. however, my dad told me that all that means is she is not financially responsible should i foreclose at this point... from a legal perspective, she is still on the deed he said

hmmm...

so, you refinanced but she didn't have to sign the deed over to you when you got it in just your name? that sounds strange to me. so basically, you are financially responsible for everything but should you sell the house she would be entitled to 50% of the profit since she is on the deed. that literally sucks! i would have made her sign the deed over to me but hindsite is 20/20.

just because you have filed for divorce does not make you legally anything as far as i know. you both need to sign something. if it is going to be a while before you can divorce call an attorney and get a legal separation drawn up for your own financial protection. lay it all out and have it be done.

and change the locks!

mlhb

in reference to the refinance, yea you pretty much hit the nail on the head... it sucks. she refused to sign off on the deed but of course she didn't have any problem whatsoever of signing off on the financial responsibility

i really had no choice though. my mortgage payment was $1100 when she walked out... i was able to refinance it down to just over $800. it was the only way for me to make ends meet... kinda tough losing her salary if you know what i mean... especially suddenly

i did schedule a consultation with a lawyer tommorrow morning... i'm so sick of my stbx... so ready to go into massive debt just to end this crap

well, debt is not forever. i mean you can get on a debt management plan or something.

ending my marriage financially devastated me as well. i was in school full time and only working a few part time jobs when ex left and took his 50+ thousand a year paycheck with him.

it has taken a few years but i have a good job now, and almost done my degree, and get good cs now.

i don't understand how she could not be forced to have signed that deed over to you? ask an attorney about that.

get at least the lsa done and have her garnished for cs.
at least then that will be done.
put the rest, financially, into god's hands.
he has not failed me yet in that respect.

oh, and change the locks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

mlhb

so far i have lost around 20 pounds at the gym and i'm starting to wear clothing that has been at the back of the closet for a long time if ya know what i mean. yay me. it feels good to step on the scale and see it lower

i scheduled a co-parenting class and a mediation to move the divorce process further and this weekend my parents came over for emotional support and to help me finish painting the house. got the locks changed too

it looks great

i was reading a thread in GQII about learning how to forgive and i still struggle with that. my son threw up six times last night and was sick all day today. he called his mother a few times but she didn't get home until after dinner. i'm guessing she was at the beach with her boyfriend

at least i know i was there for him today

i struggle with the hey i can get a woman to go on a date with me too syndrome alot. it's still hard not to just say heck with it and go on a date or two. but so far so good. focusing on myself and maintaining stability for my son.

deep down i know i'm not ready to date because i still hold so much resentment inside of me from serial adultry

but as each day passes i'm getting a bit closer to a better tommorrow

sounds like you are making wonderful progress!

mlhb

i spent a few hours reading this thread and it was refreshing to realize that there are other schmucks out there who have a helluva time moving on lol

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2018253#Post2018253

dang it really sucks to be horny all the time and yet be such a basketcase that ya can't get ure mind to start dating

so i continue to take my "angst" out at the gym and today i was gonna go try to see that leatherheads movie

i also got drunk at a pool hall this weekend... something i haven't done in like a year

tis another day

yesterday was really weird

the stbxw came over and started professing her love and it didn't take long to figure out why. her year lease at the apartment is about to end in june and she wants to move back in so she can have her cake and eat it too... date her bf while not having to worry as much about bills

at one point in our conversation, she calls her daughter (my step) and asks her if she wants to move back in to the house. i couldn't believe that she was involving the children like that

then she hands me the phone and says here you tell her she can't move back in. so i took the phone and told her things weren't this simple... wasn's sure what else to say

later we went to 7-eleven to get some slurpees and i told stbxw how much i did not like the manipulation attempts. i said there was absolutely no way i was going to take her back especially since she is still dating her bf. so she says well why don't you fight to get me back? i told her it should be the other way around; that i took her back after the first two affairs and i'm too tired to do it a third time

she called me two more times later in the night

then this morning my son says he really misses his mother and asked me again why she didn't live with us anymore.

i hafta wonder that if she would involve my step daughter like that... i wonder what the heck she is telling my son about all this

your poor step daughter. putting YOU on the phone? wtf?

what a manipulative b*tch. aren't you glad to be rid of her? who would want someone like that in their life anyway?

How old is your son? If he is old enough, get him into counseling now before she starts brainwashing him. You have custody of him right?

mlhb

my son will be eight years old in july

he lives with me pretty much full time and then goes to his mother's apartment whenever he wants... which is usually once or twice a week

it's just weird that for the past year there was no interest in moving back in with me... she initially thought i was gonna give her several thousand dollars to buy out her rights to the home we bought together. she was gonna use that to get into a home of her own. but when i told her i couldn't afford that, and that i was just gonna ask the judge for sole use of the home, i think she started panicking

it's just sad how obvious the manipulation was yesterday

it is sad and now you see who she really is.

she would use you just to get what she needs, a roof over her head.
nice woman.

i hope your son can get into counseling.

mlhb

well my wife IM'd me tonight to tell me that she gave our son a bath and she she started in on a few light jokes as small talk. basically i responded by telling her i was in a bad mood without going into much detail as to why

then my step daughter hopped on to the computer and we were IM'ing for 15 minutes or so about life in general when she told me that my wife was on her way over

when she got here we got into another heated arguement. she asked me why i was being pissy and basically i came right out and told her that it really bothered me when she said she wanted her family back when we talked last over the weekend and why

i told her that so long as she was dating the man she left me for that i couldn't be her friend let alone invite me back into the house...i told her that the timing of it was so bad because i felt like the only reason she wanted to move back in was because her lease was running out and that none of this i want my family back talk came about until now... i told her how could she want me back if she is still dating OM... i told her that she would only break off the relationship with OM if she thought I'd take her back and that was selfish... i told her she was choosing OM over my friendship basically

she answers stuff like this by changing the subject. she said she didn't leave me for another man and that she didn't have sex with this guy until after she moved out. she says they were just friends. but if they were friends then why was it secret? i mean a week after we separated she came over and told me about how this guy had no sexual stamina and i remember how mad i got that night when she told me because it's not like a give a dang how long her loser married woman chasing jerk lasted in bed

hey i didn't have to tell you about him at least i was being honest, she'd reply.

and (again) i told her that whenever i confronted her with an uncomfortable thought, she would change the subject to avoid answering it

so i laid it out again... so long as you continue dating the guy you were seeing while we were still together i cannot be your friend

so you want me to be alone? i told her that yes i did but not because i wanted her back. i told her that she should figure out how to be happy on her own before jumping right into another relationship because it wasn't good for her daughter. i mean her daughter hates this guy and her daughter knows all about the adultry... all three of the men. teenagers tend to be kind of nosy and my step daughter has been having alot of emotional problems over this and some other things in her life

but for the life of me my wife just kept on changing the subject

at one point she told me to just go out and hate F % $ # @ somebody and get over it

ya know sometimes i wish i could do stuff like that but i just plain wasn't raised that way

all this would be so much easier on me if she'd just take a break from guys for a year or so. i mean hey, i'd like to find a wonderful woman again at some point and i totally don't want her to be alone for the rest of her life either. it's just that if she just been alone since separation and was now dating a completely new guy, to be honest i don't even think that would bother me

it's just a constant slap in the face talking to her knowing that she is having sex with the guy she was seeing while we were still together, ya know?

i'm not a loser. one day all this won't bother me so much. i can find happiness some day... on my schedule. tommorrow will be a better day

A good response to WW. Maybe she's starting to come out of the fog.

You did great. Good job!

Couple of comments:

I hope you realize that you even knowing this very important fact makes you leagues ahead of most people in terms of understanding life and people. Which makes you a great catch.

[quotte]i mean her daughter hates this guy and her daughter knows all about the adultry... all three of the men. teenagers tend to be kind of nosy and my step daughter has been having alot of emotional problems over this and some other things in her life[/quote] Have I recommended a great newsletter for tween/teen girls called Daughters? You can get it at www.daughters.com, and it is amazing, for helping girls get through the problems in their lives, it has an option to write in questions that people answer (although we can do that too!), it has a section on fathers and daughters, and it has a great website. I think it would be a great gift if you were to subscribe to it for your SD.

Based on the way she's acting, she falls into the category of women who subconsciously feel they deserve to be mistreated - low self-esteem, bad upbringing, etc. When they marry someone like you, who treats them better, they act out. They fight against the good treatment. You make them mad because your good treatment shames them (remember, they don't deserve good treatment). They sabotage it so that you get fed up and leave, or else they find a reason to leave. And just hate themselves more. She really needs some serious family of origin-based therapy.

Yeah

You can be on the deed but not on the debt service.

Bud, I haven't posted here but from what I hear, give her the damme house, take your kids and move far far away. Shes gonna stalk you eventually, if it, in reality, hasn't happened now. She's a mess and every time she needs a bit of stability in her life (because of constant BAD CHOICES) shes gonna come vomit on YOU. Give her the stupid house.

I know the kids will miss her, but she will only give them heartache in the future. The problem with her goes waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy beyond the inability to be a faithful spouse.

Cat:


Thanks. It really helps to hear encouragement


I couldn't get that link to work but I would like to tell her about it if you can get the link. She is all into myspace (barf) and all that internet based stuff so she's probably like it.


this is the part that i REALLY need to work on for myself because obviously i fell for her for that reason and i'm scared of doing it again. i've put a ton of thought into the why i married her and why i loved her and it keeps coming back to me thinking i wanted to help her see what a good life is like... almost repair her. in the beginning i loved her because i thought of her as a diamond who came out of the rough unscathed. i didn't discover the skeletons until later. she had such a crappy childhood and first marriage and i am a social worker by trade. plus it was a shotgun wedding if you know what i mean and in retrospect i totally married her for the wrong reasons

what scares me even more is that there is a woman at work who has been flirting heavily with me and has point blank told me i could get with her whenever. but she is totally from the same mold. crappy childhood... awful first marriage... lonely as heck

ya get so horny so the body is like dang i should just say let's go out and the mind is like u [censored] what the heck are you doing lol. i keep picturing (i forget what movie it is) that scene where the guy has the mini saint and the mini devil on both shoulders arguing over whether to just do it or not

sometimes the urge to just go out and have cheap rebound sex gets to be an overwhelming urge but it's a co-worker and so far i've kept the urge at bay... the co-worker wants a relationship but i totally don't want that right now

i could really use some IC but i need to work out a way to pay for it still because finances have been tight

Gabagool:


unfortunately none of these are options for me. first of all her credit rating and income would not qualify her to get financing on her own for this house. plus i dang sure don't want to get stuck paying alimony

also, for all the crap stbxw put me through i would never take her son out of state and away from his mother. yea she's got alot of problems and the stalking part has already started but i just can't see myself doing that to my son. i just know how much he would miss her and i don't want him growing up resenting me for taking him away from her

in the end my plan is to keep no personal contact with his mother as much as possible unless it has something to do with our son and try to keep re-enforcing to my SD that none of this was her fault



EDIT: Cat I got the link to work at http://www.daughters.com/

I will check it out and thanks again.

Very, very common for people to get their self-worth out of saving other people. So you need to work on giving YOURSELF self-worth.

My brother did the same thing, one bad relationship with needy women one after another, til he met a strong woman who turned him around. She's wonderful.