Do not leave your house! Period, end of story, full stop. If you do, you will lose everything, including the respect of everyone around you......If you leave, it will seem like you are the bad guy...let her go if she must.

I can REALLY relate to what you are going through, because I am in a similar situation right now, and trying to decide my next plan of action. I have been married over 30 years now, and we have had our share of bumps in the road. My H is having an emotional affair with someone half his age. Of course he tells me it is not an affair because they have not had sex. However, I have found letters he has written, I too have a record of all the text messages, phone calls, etc. I use to read his text messages on his phone, but he has me locked out now since "he should be allowed his privacy", yeah, right! I understand you wanting to protect your source of information, and trust me, she will start hiding more from you, and she will really get defensive. I have been through all that. One thing I did do just recently is confront my H about why anyone would call and text each other until 4 A.M. If they are just friends, what do they talk about all night? I told him he can play this thing down all he wants, but there is far more going on than just being good friends. I told him if he thinks he wants to pursue something, then let me know now before it gets ugly. I told him to let me know when he is ready to discuss, but not to wait too long, because I cannot continue to live my life as a suspicious person. He was dumb founded by my calm, and accurate information, and he said nothing. That, to me is the same as admitting it is all true. He did not ask how I knew about the messaging, and he really did not know what to say, or he is thinking about what he does want right now. Either way, I will just be glad to get myself out of this terrible obsession I have trying to find out the truth.
Isn't that the very worst part of all this? It is the not knowing for sure what is going on, but you know it is there.
The lies, secrets, everything just makes me angry, and I am really close to contacting the friend because I want answers. I do not have the right advice, but I think all this bull about going out of your way to be sweet is not for me. I don't feel that way, and he will know I am not sincere. I am going slow, and staying calm around him, but if this anger builds without release, I will blow at the wrong moment, and he will never know what hit him.

You cannot hold anger in too long as the stress will make you physically ill. I have been there, and suffered cancer, crohn's disease, and I cannot afford any more illness. You have to take care of you, and demand respect if nothing else from your partner. They are wrong, they are lonely, and they want to feel the thrill again. It is pretty simple, and you can make that happen if they will let you, and if you really want it too. Ask yourself, what do YOU want? Make a list of what you really want, not what you do not want. It helps get your head in the right place.
That's all I have to say, but know you are never alone.

Thanks to all who have replied recently. I only have a moment to type now, so I'll keep this brief and respond with more ASAP. I felt like today was a pretty good day of Plan A-ing. She tried to bring up relationship talk a couple of times, but I deflected and "babbled back" pretty well. Tonight, she saw a book I had left on the counter about surviving infidelity and it hit her pretty hard. She said that seeing those words made her actions more real...that she had been not seeing the affair as bluntly as she did with that book cover. I had left it there hoping she would see it, but I had no idea it would catch her off guard that much.

Just to comment quickly on my previous post about the length of time for my Plan A...I know it is short, but I'm not even sure she will stay in the house for that length of time. Any ideas on how to combat that? How can I do Plan A if she moves out? If she's moving out, what should be my course of action?

deos she think she is taking the children....

where is she going ...

you need to see a lawyer....and find out your rights from blocking them from being exposed to drug man...

that is part of plan A...caring more about the children than her selfish acts...

you will not help, support her moving out....

ARK

ARK,

I'm re-reading your last post, and I'm not sure what you mean by the last line...are you saying that I should not help or support her moving out of the house? I think that's what you mean. She has her mind set on leaving the house. I've tried to get her to stay, but the more she stays here, the more she can't stand me. She has convinced herself that she needs space. I'm not sure if I should try to stop her from doing that. Having her stay here does not seem to be helping things. She says that the longer she stays here, the worse things get.

you get a lawyer...

you get established visitation for when she moves out...
you get it in writing NO visits with children with OM....

you do not help her move out...

you do not help her find a place
you do not finance her affair...

you do not date her when she moves out...

she moves out she goes without the kids...

you don't stop her...

you give her what she wants ....

what you want is a two people living together focused on each others needs...

what she wants is to abandon her children and date a druggie...

she can have at it...

you will have none of it...

but it do it lovingly....over and over reassuring her that you love her...and took vows to stay together...

not get tired one day and move out...
not get all pop psyche mumbo jumbo....and talk about finding oneself...

that's not WHY you got married
that's not being married

you act like you are married...

have either of you found a counselor yet....


ARK

I've been talking to people I know who have been divorced for lawyer recommendations. I DO want to keep living together to work on our marriage. She wants to get out of the house. Trying to convince her to stay is pushing her further away. She has convinced herself that nothing will change while we are living together. She is a very stubborn and "not willing to back down" kind of person. If she has made herself believe that we need to live apart, I'm not going to be able to convince her otherwise.

How can I keep her from the kids? If she goes, we will split time with the kids...50-50. We have agreed on that concept. Without making an ugly legal mess, I don't see how I could keep the kids from her. If she goes, I will definitely get some protective order from the kids being around the druggie, but it's not like she has broken laws which would make the courts see her as an unfit mother??? I don't want to make the kids pawns in the battle between the 2 of us.

We both have met with counselors. For now, we are doing that separately, but maybe in a few weeks, after we've each had a couple sessions with our counselor, than we can do some counseling as a couple. That's what I discussed with mine, anyway .

outof..
I am not saying use the children..
I'm saying don't let her go out that door without talking to a lawyer...and finding out your rights...

what is your plan...

she getting a lease...cause leases are like time-line permission slips to date and see other people...and not have to work on the home...as in..

look I have to pay rent here for another 3-6-12 months...

people that need to move out to 'get their thoughts...' need to move in with a family member in which they what they 'say' are doing...working on oneself...

not playing make believe part time single life...

what's the plan for when she moves out and there's NO counseling together...no way for you two to learn how to communicate....cause obviously it's not working now what you are doing....

what's your plan when the first night without you and the kids she has drug man spend the night...how are you going to deal with that....

what's your plans

you gonna date your wife..
you gonna watch her date others...
is she taking a computer...whoo-hooo that should be fun...
is she allowing you to install a keylogger..cause if she is working on herself she should be fine with that...

you gonna pay for her to pay for dates with drug man...

you guys can get really focused on how this is a good idea...
to save a marriage..

but what is the REAL plan to save this thing...
where are the concete steps and boundaries...

besides just moving out...

how long...
you gonna have total access at all times to the place...

do you get to stay there so you can find yourself and she moves home....

scary stuff this planned moving out with no plan...

ARK

Let me say again that she is the one who wants to leave, not me. She is not getting a lease. We own a second home which we normally rent out, but it's empty now. She will go there, but it's not like she will be tied to a lease agreement.

There really is no option to move in with a family member...especially an option where she could have the kids with her half the time. She has told me that she will keep going to counseling (individual and joint). If she doesn't follow-through with that, what can I do about it? I have accepted that I can't make her do what I think is the right thing...she needs to find that way on her own. If I try to force the issue, she will keep running further away. I'm trying to keep doing a good Plan A by treating her nice, focusing on myself and the kids, and making her see for herself that with me is where she wants to be.

If druggie spends the night with her, then I'll be really upset, to say the least. I believe her that she is trying to find herself right now and not looking to be with him. The more I try to get her to eliminate him from her life, the more she fights it. She has to decide first if she wants to work on our marriage, and if so, that will mean eliminating him, no exceptions.

As far as finances, although I make more than her, she has her own income that if we completely separate, she can support herself, for the most part. I told her that I won't watch her date the druggie or anyone else. I feel that when she is ready to work on any relationship, she needs to start here first and if we can't work, then she can go look elsewhere. She seems to be in agreement with that.

Access to the place??? I don't know. Not really been discussed yet. This whole moving out business is SCARY!!! My plan is to try to support her needs (within reason). I will not be her doormat and get walked all over. But, I believe that the only chance I have to save our marriage is to get my ducks in a row in preparation for the worst case scenario while giving her the chance to find her way home...

Any feedback is appreciated...