The life and death of an A is 99.9% predictable!!

Read through the MB materials and all the posts on here and you'll see all the commonalities over and over again.

As a FWH ... when you're in the A it feels so "unique" and personal ... only in hindsight to realize I followed every step, every feeling, every action almost like I was following a script.

When the A is over the withdrawl pain is immense ... I was in no mood to make nice with DW ... right now try not to take it personally (as ludicrous as that sounds) ... just keep doing what you're doing!

Thanks lstmyway. I appreciate the reassurance. I seem to be an easy target - she blames me for all her unhappiness. She is in withdrawal (or at least hurting from the lack of contact) as I think that they have not had any real conversations other than one or two texts in the last week. She is depressed at all h#ll. This sucks; I hope she gets over it soon.

Yep, 1stmyway is absolutely correct. As long as your wife has any contact at all with the OM, it will just prolong her withdrawal.

Interesting Thanksgiving playing "happy family" around all her relatives. We were doing some hugging and hand holding. Of course her parents knew but I am not sure if any other of the 30 folks were aware. As awkward as it was, it was still a decent time.

She told me she wants to "start over" as if we were first dating. She said that in the marriage I was inattentive and after the separation I have become emotionally too intense. She wants to play it by ear and see how things go. Sounds like an opportunity for plan A to me.

"I think I am hurting more than you are," she said. "For different reasons," I said,"but I am sorry you are hurting."

We made plans to meet for pizza tomorrow - she has the kids and it is nice that I can participate.

She gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye. Her dad said, "good luck to you two" and asked her to hug me one more time for a photo. Nice to have his support.

Might be a good time to contact the OM's W and advise her of the continued text messages. She is your best ally in bringing this contact to an end.

All your WW's actions are normal, typical, so fear not...this what to expect.

No relationship talks over pizza, and for the next several days. Try to fill her love bank in every way you can...even bringing her a long stemmed rose tomorrow. Court her the way you would have if you'd just met her, and try to remember some of the things you did back before you married her.

Speak of the past and the good times you've shared.

WW seems constantly agry at me over little things. Is this part of her withdrawl? Would I be better off keeping my distance so I am not such a target? I am seeing nothing but resentment.

Can you see her resentment and not take it inside of you, Shocked? Can you respect her stuff as her own, not you causing, controlling or curing her of it?

Helped me to do this in Plan A...so I broke the cycle of his moods dictating my actions.

LA

Yes, I can. I see how irrational it is. Unfortunately, it feels like we are going backwards, not forwards.

Take your favourite character from any science-fiction movie you enjoy and imagine that character's head in place of hers whenever she lashes out ... it might as well be coming from that character ... do your absolute best to pay it no mind.

The apparent anger towards BS is another defense mechanism that I went through while in withdrawl ... another attempt to justify to myself that my selfish actions were justified and OK. It comes along with re-writing the M history ... villifying the BS is unfortunately part of the distortion that goes on.

Remain upbeat, plan A the best you can and these feelings of resentment are sure to subside.

It's definitely a case of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back ... we all wish we could tell you it's easy ... it just isn't.

Be strong!

It is typical for a WW or WH to strike out at their BS; in their chaotic world it "makes sense". If you strike back, you are the "evil spouse" whose fault it is THEY had an affair. They are seeking some form of justification for their actions.

They are not yet ready to take blame...so they displace it.

Keep working on the Plan A Emmy award, and do not let her engage you in conflict. It's a losing deal for the BS. Plan A is to attract a wayward spouse home, not drive them away.

It's tough, but it can be done. Many of us have <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Seek a level of emotional detachment from your WW, and view her from the standpoint of a disinterested 3rd party. Let her stew in the juices of her own creating, but don't interfere with her venom, or let it impact you. This is not the W you married, this is the alien WW, who speaks from the land of fog.

Plan A, spend as much quality time with her as possible, minimal relationship talks, and show your love for her through actions!

Hang in there!

Plan A seems to be working - at least it has for the last 24 hours. We spent a lot of time together and I showered her with praise, listened intently to everything she had to say, and tried to stay upbeat and positive.

There could be a setback tomorrow but at least tonight things went well. She went back to her parents house but will be back again tomorrow night. As far as I can tell, no more contact with the OM.

The bad thing about Plan A is you have to expect NOTHING in return. Don't get your hopes up. You need to do a rock solid Plan A, and if that doesn't work, then we have another plan.

But the better Plan A you can do, the better the chances for the marriage. Hang in there.

This, as Believer said, is where you go into "tractor" mode. Lots of hard Plan A work, but slow going.

It's not about any one thing you do in Plan A...it's about ALL you do in Plan A...a cumulative effect.

Expect nothing in return. This is where the term "unconditional love" comes into play.

Minimize relationship talk and do what you can to "normalize" all interactions with your W.

You will know when the fog is beginning to clear when she can look you in your eyes, and you can see traces of the W you knew before the affair.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. No easy button...so be consistent in your Plan A efforts, and know in advance this will take a while.

The feelings your W had for the OM must fade, and you must be there meeting her EN's, so those feelings transfer back to you. It's a slow, tedious process.

But keep faith...it works, and it's the very best option you have right now.

Your W is still living in a chaotic limbo...she has no plan. Take heart in the fact that you DO have a plan, and allow that fact to keep you grounded.

Most importantly, you have to believe in what you are doing, in order to be convincing. So continue to believe!

Sh0cked,

You are receiving excellent advice and coaching and support here. Go back and re-read everything. It doesn't seem like progress, it seems like loss, but you are winning.

I also encourage you to let OMW know about the text messages. She is your ally. Not your friend; but your ally. The withdrawal will only really happen after the LAST NO CONTACT.

Keep it up!

Thanks all for the sounds advice. We are far from recovery but at least she is over the anger from exposure. I'll stick to the plan...

Things don't seem to be going very well. I am trying my best at plan A but she tells me I am either too clingy or too distant. Nothing seems to appease her. She is staying over more but more for logistical reasons than anything else.

At least she is in the house. I'm guessing that you could burp the White Christmas song and she would find fault with the speed it comes out, at this point. You can do nothing right - and don't take it personally. It's fog talk.

Stay steady.

Stay the course...maintain Plan A....hunker down for the long haul. If Plan A makes no impact in 60 days, then it will be time to consider Plan B, but for now...hang in there. We know it's hard (harder than anything I ever did in my life!)

I hope you guys are right. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't know how this is going to turn out.

I'm sorry, ShOcked but that was too funny Bellevue!

(((((ShOcked)))))

Hang in there!