It's the selfish, entitled behaviour of an active WS at her very worst. But, in a twisted way, that could be a good thing. The more she acts like that in her A, the less attractive she will likely be to the OM.

I love how she believes that she could simply decide that you both can date other people without any agreement from you. An active WS can be so evil at times...



Continue plan A, but avoid the "convincing". You don't want to get into arguments over a WS's version of reality, believe me - that will just enforce her belief about you being a controlling, manipulating, (etc.) H. However, if you can obtain facts that dispute it, you can turn those over to her, or casually bring them up when she says something that doesn't match what you know. The idea of getting the OM's comments in writing (or otherwise recorded - a voice recording should work excellently) to present to her when she says something about him that doesn't seem to match what you've heard is a good one IMO. "The OM told you that he is D'ing his wife? You may want to listen to this..."

Yep, agree, it might even pay you to get a recorder for OMW so she can record the begging drivel from OM. Tht'll drive a stake in the heart of a wayward real quick. GF

Okay, just found out that OMW is moving forward on the divorce, just bought a house out of state, accepted a new job out of state and is moving in 2 weeks. OM won't be able to join her in the other state until he gets a job offer in other state which could be quite awhile. He signed off on letting her take his child with her.

In a nutshell, he is giving up his wife of 17 years, 6 yr. old child, great job and very nice house so he can continue his affair with my WS. Until a few months ago they hadn't spoken in 20 years when they dated for 8 months when my WS was 16 and he was 18.

Now they are over 600 miles from each other, email and talk on the phone constantly and have seen each other twice over a period of 4 months and somehow say they love each other. All the meanwhile they know they can never be together because his child will be over 350 miles from her and our child. The both state that neither one of them are willing to move away from their child to be with each other.

My overall point is why would both of the WS's tear apart 2 families they admittedly love knowing that they can't be together in the end. I am driving myself crazy trying to make sense of it and want to just shake some sense into my WS.

I am executing Plan A while distancing myself and we continue to get along fantastic at home, but I still haven't exposed to her family members. The OM's family is aware of everything that is going on and my WS said she wanted to tell her family about what is going on, but not sure if she will. I don't think I am willing to expose to her family due to the damage it could cause between her and I as we have been very open about this already. Also, she stated she doesn't value any of her family's opinions in regards to our relationship because they have all been married multiple times as well.

Need some feedback and constructive criticism.

MiN:

Expose to her family.

Did YOU talk with OMW to confirm the above info?

Bcause all that seems pretty fast, but it seems like something a WH would tell a WW to keep her on the hook.

Anyway, your right, it doesn't seem to make sense that they would do this.

But it happens.

Your job NOW is to prevent it.

What DO YOU think your WW was missing from YOU the most?

LG

Yes I speak to OMW almost every day now and have confirmed the info.

All but one of the things my WW was missing including helping out around the house, being honest with her about my previous business debt (failed business before I met her) and being in better shape I am now completely fulfilling by her own admission. I am now a rock solid 200 pounds at 6 feet tall, do almost every bit of housework around the house including laundry and have told her everything about previous business. The only need she won't let me fulfill is her sexual need and since I have gotten in shape and received some brief counseling about a couple of other issues I am more than ready to fulfill that last need.

Basically she says she doesn't feel that way about me right now and I know the reason why is because all of her positive energies intimately and sexually are being directed at OM. Also, strangely enough I believe she will feel like she is cheating on the cheater if she is with me sexually as well which is just crazy to think about.

Okay, everything went wrong yesterday....or did it?

I have been corresponding back and forth with OMW and have been noting so many inconsistencies from what he is telling his wife and what he is telling my WS. I had made a decision to not discuss this issue with my WS anymore and told her as much a couple of days ago as I am in Plan A.

The OMW contacted me and told me her and her WS had just been in a huge fight about something I had accidentally exposed to her. Immediately he contacts my WS and wants to know if I have been speaking with her. My WS contacts me and says have you spoken with her. I responded and said I don't want to talk to you about this anymore in a very kind and respectable way. She then emails back and says she knows I have been contacting her and now she tells me she is going to move out in a few days.

Of course I immediately reacted and called her and asked her why she was moving out when we get along so well at home while raising our child. She was upset that I wouldn't tell her about speaking with OMW and said she was just tired of all of the drama. I then tell her that she really needs to know the other side of the story and she wants to see the email correspondence between him and his wife because she wants to know the truth about what he is saying to his BS. I then emailed her all of the correspondence and after reviewing all of it she is still leaning towards giving him the benefit of the doubt, but she is now on high alert and has no idea who to believe.

The OM then goes into complete damage control sending her over 20 text messages trying to save his relationship with her at all costs. He does a pretty convincing job and tries to start covering the inconsistencies with plausible explanations.

When my WS and I both get home last night she gives me a big hug and says we aren't as messed up as they are since we still get along so well despite the circumstances. We then have numerous conversations about our future (or lack thereof) and she says that she hopes someday we can become a family again, but based on her current lack of feeling for me and admitted feelings for the OM doesn't know how that is possible. After calmly discussing further we gave each other another hug before we go to bed in separate rooms and say we are each other's best friend.

Last night I went to sleep feeling more hopeless about our future then ever before despite having very constructive conversations with her about us. She wants to proceed with a legal separation (due to some business debt from a previously failed business) and says that she views a legal separation the same as a divorce in regards to our status as a couple. However, she says she never wants to be married again (at least to anyone else) and a legal separation would allow us to possibly reconcile later down the road even though there may only be a small chance of that happening.

Obviously a legal separation in my eyes is better than a divorce, but my hopes for us being a family again are lower than ever and I feel like there is nothing more I can do.

Need some advice on my next step....do I continue Plan A while continuing to show her how much I have changed? Hopefully someone can give me some insight on what might be going on in her head.

Babble..babble..babble..babble.



Continue the Plan A until she moves out.
Plan B from there.
DO NOT ASSIST HER IN MOVING OUT.

Need some help. After exposing OM's lies to WS via emails from OM's wife, she is now back to talking to him after he convinced her that he wasn't lying.

This is such an emotional roller coaster and I have no idea what to do next. My first instinct is to move out, since I have Plan A'd for the past several months, but I am not at the end of my rope in terms of my love for my wife so I don't know if I should Plan B for the purposes of letting her see what life is like without me.

My WS went a few days not talking to OM, but I have no idea what I should do to try and and this affair. Should I just continue Plan A as long as it doesn't jeopardize my remaining love for my WS?

Also, it is important to know that OM is going to be living in another state several hundred miles away and now my wife is threatening divorce and full custody instead of legal separation if I don't agree to let her move to the other state with our child as apart of the legal separation.

We get along fantastic when we are together and almost never argue, but she says she doesn't feel like being a couple for a long time and has given me the green light to date other people. She still wants to move forward with a legal separation and divorce if necessary. Is she using this as a way to bully me? Thanks for your help.

bump...need some help please

ManInNeed,
That green light to date other people is part of the WS rationalization. She'll feel better about herself if you go out an have an affair too. Please don't take her up on the offer. Don't move out. Don't help her move. Let her know your child will remain in your home. Stick with the plan A until she leaves to be with OM. Then go to plan B.

Okay....just left the attorney's office. My WS is going to file for legal separation, but wants me to sign off on her ability to leave the state at anytime in the future. Obviously this is a deal killer because the OM is located in another state as well. Once my WS finds out that I am not going to willingly agree to let her leave the state with our child she will most certainly file for divorce and seek full custody.

This is my worst nightmare because I do not want to go down this road in a custody battle with my WS. We still get along great, but she refuses to end the affair. When she goes plan D and files the divorce should I continue Plan A or go into Plan B?

I feel like I have almost been too understanding and need to shake her tree to make her understand what she is doing to our family.

Let me make it clear though, under no circumstances am I willingly going to agree to sign off on letting her leave the state with our child. If she feels like she needs to go then she can go by herself.

My attorney said that it will be next to impossible for her to be able to get full custody in our state unless she can prove, drug or alcohol abuse, molestation or child abuse. I don't drink, do drugs and obviously have even as much as laid a hand on our 17 month old daughter. I am the one who takes her back and forth to day care, the doctor and spends at least 50% or more of the time raising her.

I don't want to make this ugly with my WS and would like to continue Plan A if possible since we are still living together, but I don't know if it is just going to make things worse by continuing to make her life so easy at home while this long distance affair continues.

Advice needed....tks.

You can't control what your WW will do. But you can protect your boundaries. IMO, the answer here is pretty straightforward - don't sign off on anything you don't agree with.

Yep, don't worry about what she will or won't do in the future. Is she ready to be in an open relationship with the OM? If I were in her shoes I would be thinking pretty hard right now.

She would be crazy to drag your child to a different state to live with a man she hardly knows - a man who was willing to abandon his child. YIKES!!!!!!!!

I understand completely and agree, but doesn't the term WS = CRAZY by it's very definition <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When will this madness stop. I have been detaching myself while continuing Plan A and living with my WS. Every time she starts moving toward me while I am distancing I fall back into the trap and get emotionally tangled all over again. Once I move toward her she then pulls back and begins contacting OM.

The last couple of days I have been detaching again and I emailed her and let her know that I need to get some work done and some other things done this weekend. She then emails me back and says "You sure are spending a lot of time getting "other things" done" like I am in the wrong and she is upset.

How should I react to this and what can I do to continue detachment without messing up Plan A?