I totally agree with Believer....that's why I changed your subtitle a long time ago.

Is he doing everything to help you heal? It would seeem that you need an NC letter or no deal.

Have you read my sad saga attached to my sig line? That's why I had 3-4 D-Days (3 physical and 1 emotional...both EA's, tho....my sad story explains).

The first NC letter my WH wrote and I approved was emailed, but OW thought I had written it and would have responded in a heartbeat had WH tried to reconnect. How do I know? I tried to be her friend for months and it (the NC story) came out later.

WH had suggested he hand-write another NC letter after D-Day #4 which we mailed together and only then would OW tell me that she would not only refuse to reply to WH should he reconnect, BUT that she would inform me, too. She finally got it that their fantasy plans for later were officially a foggy mist....<poof> gone, finite....PERIOD. (I also sent her HNHN just to help her and her BH.)

I'm in the middle of Christmas stuff so I gotta go, but I wanted to exhort you to keep posting and read up on NC letters. That wasn't enough for us to rebuild trust, tho. We needed another step which I discovered when I registered for MB and called Dr. Harley's radio show. You might consider that, too, but there are not many days left to do that. I've heard Dr. and Mrs. H are taking a 6 months break from live calls this next week.

Take care, Bella and consider what we've said carefully.

Merry Christmas,

Ace

How's it going, Bella? Hope you're doing OK.

Ace

What's the latest, Bella? How are things going?

Ace

HI ace thanks for your constant support i appreciate it.

Well things are things everything went fine with xmas until the day after. I just woke up very angry at him. He did nothing wrong over the last few weeks i was just made. Well it turned into a four day off and on decussion with him saying that he doesn't know that he has it in him to try and he is afraid to love me again wondering if and when i will freak out. and possibly regretting giving me any more of his time that life is too short yada yada. I brought this on myself cause i was impatient and all i could think of was he wishing he was with her this xmas. He told me no he was glad he spent it with me he felt like we were a family. I feel like i just pushed things ten steps back. But last night when he came home we talked a little bit and he had a sore back and he asked me to message it. He had me lay with him and this am i got a hug and a kiss goodbye. I have to be patient and just let things run there course. I am just glad he comes home at night to me.

If he has no contact, then things should get progressively better. Hang in there, and come HERE when you feel anger coming on.

Keep your guard up, Bella. Like Believer says, keep posting your progress or struggles....sometimes, just getting it out is therapy in itself.

If you discover any hint of renewed contact, it must be dealt with......the course it might run could ruin what's left of your marriage.

Happy New Year....

Ace

bella,

It's pretty normal to have a rollercoaster of feelings. Sometimes you will just wake up feeling mad, other days, okay.

What you need to be very careful about, though, is love-busting. Just because you wake up feeling mad isn't cause for treating someone badly. It's more productive to go to him and tell him that you are having a difficult day, that you're experiencing a trigger, or that you feel like the rollercoaster is on the downhill slope - whatever it takes to let him know you need his support.

It is in the work TOGETHER that you find the intimacy again in the marriage. By talking to him about what you are going through, and giving him the chance to understand your pain in an adult way, and calm way, that you offer him a constructive means to support you and show you remorse and atonement.

When he is able to see your pain, and you give him that chance to see it in a non-threatening way, he is more likely to respond in a loving way to help you feel better.

Then the cycle of his love toward you is more likely to be on the uphill swing - because he will feel like he is depositing into your bank, and that will feel good and natural for him. Real giving to someone in need offers a boost to self-esteem, and builds good feelings between the two. Naturally good feelings.

So, instead of seeing these angry feelings or hurt feelings as a sword against him, look at them as a tool to gain intimacy.

Go to him and tell him calmly, "I feel _________ today. I know that's hard for you to hear, but I need for you to just hold me a minute." (or tell him whatever it is that you think you need him to do to help you through that moment).

As the days pass, the moments like this will pass. Instead of wallowing in the anger and pain, help him to help you through them.

By working TOGETHER, the marriage becomes more a joint effort. Don't leave him out - help him know what to do, because right now, he really doesn't know.

SB

Ok so i am so upset right now. I just wish i heard the words i love you again. I just wish i felt loved and cherished again. He said that i had his love and i threw it away. I know i am far from perfect and i kick myself ever moring that i wake up wishing i had know that how i was treating him was changing him. i love him so much it hurts

and when he says hurtful things to me i try so hard not to cry but i am not that strong. He just says that the reason our relationship is the way it is is because of my past actions. I regret the whole thing.

I have been crying all afternoon wondering why this is happening to me. why am i such a bad person and why when i do make the changes he wanted is it too late. i just want the pain to stop.

he said he knows all of this is a choice and he is chosing to be this way but he doesn't know why and doesn't know if he wants to stop acting this way.

i love him and feel sooooo very alone right now.

((((((((((bella))))))))))

Hold on, bella. Just hold on. It's SO hard. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. All I can do is send a cyber hug and wish that I was there to give you a real one.

Bumping for traffic!!

I think you are going to need to expect NOTHING from him right now.

Is he a good father, involved with your daughter?

Bella, wayward spouse's can say the most horrendous things.

Don't beat yourself up. However, if possible, glean the wheat from the chaff - if it's not all chaff. Did you have behaviors in the past that were damaging? If so, work on getting them corrected. Do you know about love busters and how important it is to eliminate them?

Here is a LINK
to an article by Dr. Harley about lovebusters. Have you read it already?

My husband is a good father to my daughter. he takes great care of her and loves her very much.

As for my damaging behavior yes i have taken steps to correct it. I am seeing a counsler about my anger issues. I had a rough childhood not that that is by any means an excuse to have a short fuse but i am working on those issues. My WH has only told me that it is a little too late. I hate that and i hate that there is nothing i can do to fix that. I love him so much and i feel like this is all my fault that i caused of this. If i had only listened to him sooner none of this would be happening. He wouldn't have been unhappy i would have listened to him sooner about getting another job....ect.

He did say last night that i have nothing to appologize for he is the one that needs to appologize every day that he should be the one begging to stay and doing the nice things.... not the other way around. He has also said that he has a lot of anger right now and it is mostly at himself and he doesn't know how to get past it all.

I don't know if any of that is encouraging or if it is what it is. I just want a climps of hope soemthing to cling to. I love him with all of my being and it hurts that he doesn't love me back or at least that's what he tells me.

Well, keep hanging in there. Him saying HE should be the one to apologize is more promising. Usually they deny all of their part in things.

Keep making your changes. Don't LB. If you are going crazy, come here and let us have it. We understand.

OK, maybe. But first of all, you cannot change the past and secondly (very important) you cannot listen to him AT ALL right now when he says "too little, too late." You are still together, and that's a big plus. It gives you the chance to prove to him that you've changed...and that you are improving yourself daily. I know you are hurting, and I am so sorry about that. I wish there was a magic wand to take away the pain. Please try to pick yourself back up and read some of the stuff here that will help you cope better.


It's a little of both, IMO. Encouraging that he is able to realize, even foggy, that he is to blame for choosing the A over your marriage. But also-it is what it is, and unfotunately you may see a lot of flip-flopping like this for a while. That's why you should try to ignore at least most of what he says until he makes a breakthrough. But it seems he is still uncertain that you have changed. Now is the time for good Plan A-ing. The best way to stop spending all day crying is to learn how to overcome what it is that's happening to you right now, and hope that eventually he will start to take notice.

I wish you all the best...hope you feel better and stronger soon!!

I appreciate all of the input you have given me.

It is just hard right now especially all that we went through to have this baby. She is beautiful and my miracal child. I love her and my husband more than anything in the world. Prior to this pregnancy tho i had two miscarraiges and had to take shots the entire time i was pg to just keep my child in me. Now she was not exactly planned and people are telling my WH that i did it on purpose to keep him around. so not true.... i had no idea that things were that bad he never told me and he says that is his fault.

I feel so out of control right now and that i can't do anything to change this cause of how he acts towards me. He is so down right mean at times it's hard to believe he is someone i once had great respect for. It hurts so much cause i just feel like if i had been a better person sooner none of this would have happened i wouldn't be on this messsage board. I would be throughly enjoying my daughter and my husband doing family things.

He just doesn't get it tho. He wants his privacy hides his phone and won't give me passowrds to anything cause he says it is just to piss me off. He says he isn't hiding anything he is just doing it out of spite.

It's hard to hurt so much and the other person just not care.

I was in a patients room today who is dying of cancer... they just found out about it a few weeks ago and she was there with her husband who was holding her hand and they just said we aren't giving up. Now it upset me cause i always thought that would be me and my husband..... and it hurst to think that they may not be the case.

I love him more than i ever thought i could love a man and i can't imagine my life without him.

You need to get to the point where you CAN imagine your life without him. Do a great Plan A for another couple of months, and then it will be time for Plan B.

I know how you feel re the dying wife. Those kinds of things used to really bother me while going through the betrayal of my ex. It seemed like there were always stories of some unfortunate person that was losing his life partner. And here my ex CHOSE to leave me.

But I promise you it does get much better.

Try to enjoy your little girl, because you will always regret it if you let these days slip by.

i am not sure how to do this. WH just told me that he is at fault for all of this that i am a wonderful person and he knows he is making a mistake by walking out on me. He says he just doesn't have the strenght to do it any more.

It hurts so much to hear that cause i would give anything in the world to fix this. i wish i could take it all back and fix it before he got to the point that he gave up and walked out on our marriage.

He says he knows our DD will be fine. I just want him to be happy and i am so sad that he won't let me do that for him.

He wants to leave home and that hurts more than anything. All i keep telling him is that i love him more than anything and i want nothing but to have my family back. he says he knows and wishes he could give that to me but he isn't strong enough to do it.


i keep getting flash backs in my head of all the times we spent together both good and bad and i don't know how to stop them cause they just make me so sad. I don't know how to be strong enough any more. He just says he is done and can't do it any more.

I just wish i never had to go through this i never thought i would be the one to have to deal with this. It hurts so damn bad and i have a feeling he is going to walk out on me and my daughter tonight and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

He is wrong to assume that about DD...make sure you tell him that she needs both of you, not to be shipped back and forth between 2 part-time parents.

WE just want YOU to be happy!!!! If that means recovering your marriage or whatever it may be!!

Resonance i have tried to tell him about the DD needing two full time parents and he thinks that she will be fine. he wants us to be great friends if he leaves. i told him that wasn't possible cause i love him too much and i will always love him and it would be too hard for me to see him with someone else. He keeps saying she will be fine that she has two parents that love her even if we aren't together.

It is so hard but last night he tried to leave.....well he said he wanted to leave so i told him i don't want you to leave but if you are going to i can't stop you and i can't be here. I packed up the baby and told him it was his choice now i will be back later and if he was here great if not his loss. Well i came back and he had an empty bag on our bed but couldn't bring himself to pack it. He said he thought he was ready to leave but he isn't and doesn't but he is also not ready to commit to the marriage cause he isn't sure what is going to happen in the future.

He thinks he will eventually be happy if he were to leave but he can't say the same if he stays. It's hard to hear that to hear that i played a major role in something like this. I hurt every morning i get up cause i know i could have stopped this if i had listened to him a year ago and go to marriage counsling or read a book..... i would give anything to go back and fix this.

He keeps saying he is so confused he doesn't know what he wants or how he feels or where his heart is. Is this at all normal for him to be going through? Is this a postive and there is a light at the end of the tunnel?