I have a question maybe someone can answer me. It seems like on here that FWW seem to come back more often than the FWH... why is that? I just have this sinking feeling that my WH is lost forever..... i love him but not at the cost of my health. I know i am a good person and i have a lot to offer and i am just sad that he doesn't want to share that with me

Hi B/LH4

As you saw on my post I don't feel like much of a hero today. Your last post is exactly what I'm feeling right now. I've started reading your story so give me a little time to catch up. From some of the name of the vets I saw, you're in good hands. I don't have the experience they have but if you aver want to ask anything specific on how I handled something don't hesitated to ask.

My heart cries for you and your DD. We'll help you through this, you have friends here.

Thanks TMTS..... he is supposed to be coming over to see DD tonight. He txt me earlier and since i was taking care of our DD i just called him. He asked was it ok if he still came over i said that was up to him unless he had other plans. He said no. He then said you sound upset. I played it off as i was doing a bunch of stuff and taking care of the DD. He said sorry. I said for what he just said he was sorry for everything.

At any rate he is supposed to call and will be here shortly after 7. My house is all cleaned and staightened up which i am happy about. It smells and looks sooo nice....especially with him throwing his stuff down where ever and never picking it up. Hehe... one thing i really don't miss. Oh well i will be back after he leaves

Well WH just left again.

He came by to see DD. I was in the middle of giving her a bottle so when he came in i handed her over to him to finish the bottle. He was holding her and he started to get upset and cry. I asked him what was wrong he said he missed being here. He was teary eyed for most of the rest of the visit. I had just finished making dinner when he got here so i asked if wanted any. He said he didnt' want to take away from my meal but of course i had made enough for two... hehe.

He ate dinner with me and he started to get upset again and just said he was sorry for everything.

After dinner he played with DD for a bit while i did some laundry and then we set up some of the toys she had gotten for xmas. He was teary eyed again and then we put DD to bed. He said he had to go i told him he could stay as long as he liked but he said for now he thought it was best he left. He came over and gave me a big hug and said that he was sorry again. I said for what and he said for everything he has done nothing but make a big mess out of everything. I walked him to the door and that's when i started to cry.... i know a big no no but i did well up until then. He started to cry just said he had a lot going on in his head and one day he would be able to explain it all. he missed being home but isn't ready to come home yet he doesn't want to have to leave again if and when he comes home. He said he couldn't tell me what he has been thinking cause he doesn't want to give me any hope.

I am not sure what that is or what that means. He hugged me and then ran out the door and said he would talk to me soon.

I am not sure how to take any of what happened tonight but he says he wants to stop by again and asked if it was ok if he text me this week to see how i was. I said he could call but he said it was easier for him to text me right now it's too upsetting otherwise.

Oh well i feel..... i dunno right now

I hope all goes well tonight. My heart goes out to you. I know you are scared but I want you to take care of yourself. What is your support system like (family/friends)? Can you reach out to them? You shouldn't have to go through all this alone, especially with a baby.

I don't want to bring you down, but I would make a pretty big wager that he was with her last night. I don't know if you have discussed it, but I hope you have ceased SF until he ends things and he has been tested for STDs. You cannot put your health in harm's way so he can cake-eat. I really think you should be setting things up for a dark Plan B as soon as you feel you cannot handle his nonsense any more. Don't wait too long. You seem so down, and with him off "finding himself" it may be a great time to do it. I have read a couple other posts from people tonight who have recently done Plan B and they are starting to find the peace that so many people say comes after a few days of Plan B. You may be surprised at how much it lifts the "where is he and what is he doing" aspect of this sitch. You cannot make him stop seeing her, but you can safeguard yourself and your beautiful baby from the turmoil that he is creating, and in doing so, preserve the love you have for him in case he does come to his senses.

Think about it, OK? My prayers are with you....

Sorry-we were posting at the same time!

Glad tonight went well...sounds like he is in the middle of a huge inner struggle.

i have an awesome support system......they saying about not knowing your true friends until something happens is right on target.

he said tonight he is so sorry he has created a mess out of everything. as for last night i have no doubt about it but i can't worry about it.

trying to work on plan b....will keep you posted

Hi LF4

I like that you’re not getting your hopes up, see you are doing well. Forgive yourself for crying will you? If he was teary eyed the whole time and you held of until he was walking out the door, to me you did well.

Sounds to me like he's struggling real hard with this. So that could be good, see what he does over the next week, sounds like the reality is getting to him, but it is early. Keep going because it sounds like you’re doing a good job of this. Pay special attention to your LBs. I got around them by asking myself if what I was about to say or do would be detrimental to the plan, and if the answer came back as yes I would take that thought and put it aside. The first few times you kind of catch yourself just before you blurt something out but after about a week it becomes second nature. It really helped me.

I also wonder if something happened between him and OW over the last few days. I remember you mentioning that they did get along all that well.

IMO, this was a good night for you. You kept your LBs in check made him a nice dinner, let him have quality time with his DD, and he was teary most of the time. I say a little prayer for.... HIM to listen to what it seems like his soul is telling him.

I'll say another one for you and your DD as well.

P.S. I made it through your threads. I am so sorry about your struggles with trying for a child. It must make your DD so much more special to both of you.

thanks for the vote of confidence. Yes i guess he is really struggling with this as he said he doesn't want to tell me too much of what is going through his head cause he doesn't want me to get my hopes up. He wants to be able to come home and not leave if that is what is going to happen.

As for our DD yes she is my mirical baby and she is absolutely the best and happiest child i have ever seen. I love her more than anything and she is so important to me.

He wants to come by this week again if it is ok with me and as asked to be able to contact me. I told him that was up to him..... he said could contact him if i wished and i told him i don't want to bother him. he said if he didn't answer it is because he is sleeping that is what he has been doing a lot of. We shall see. I am hoping for the best but i expect the worst.

B,

Just don't dwell on it, K. Anything you can do to get him there with you is good, so long as you keep running the plan. as soon as he gets in touch invite him over. Give yourself time to sexy up some too. If he's a manly man (I consider myself a manly man) I just fall apart when my W get all done up (She just looks so gorgeous)

Don't get your hopes up based on what he said. But the fact that he was a teary mess for most of the time he was there is good. (Unless he's a real good actor). I think that when he was teary with DD is a tough one to fake.

(This took an hour to write... WW came and sat beside me while I was typing, I have another explorer session open that I switch to when she gets close.)

Hey all,

Well i am having my own internal struggle of sorts. I am not sure whet is up and down today. Last night before he left he said looked really nice and liked the shirt i had on he said it looked good on me. I don't know if this is all a game he is playing trying to string me along or if he is truely remorseful at this point and he just needs to learn how to put the thoughts of this OW out of his head through IC.

People i have talked to here have said that IC for him is a good thing that it should help him realize that he needs to come home without me or someone who isn't objective telling him to do so. I would appreciate some thoughts on that

i know i am grasping at straws here and i am not expecting anything from him. I told him last night that he didn't have to stay away but he said that he made such a mess out of everything and has created so many internal issues with him self by doing so that he needs to figure things out now for himself. He did this and all he could say was that he was sorry that he did all of this. He has no idea where any of this is going and he has no plans as of yet. i just said ok and that is all i can do i guess.

I just wish i had more answers but i am at least more at peace this time that he left than the last time. I have no hopes that he is going to come home and i am keeping mine and my daughters life going with or without him. he wants to call me and text me this week and i said ok if that is what he wanted.

He wants to wait and see how counseling goes this week and then he said he will let me know how it is going. He said he has a lot in his head but he just can't tell me cause he doesn't want to get my hopes up. i know i can't have any hopes at this point it just is what it is.

Sorry for the rant but thanks for listening

Rant all you want...that's what we're here for! I just believe his internal struggle is massive, especially with having a new baby in the house. Many men are petrified at the thought of their first child (loss of youth, a person that depends on them completely, etc). But when that child comes, they finally get to experience what mothers feel even while the child is still inside them. It is an overwhelming feeling of love that for many, replaces the fear as their parenting instincts take over.

Now, add to that scenario the huge amount of guilt he is feeling for seeking comfort from OW, while you are at home with his new baby. That is why he was so choked up last night, and your reaction was great. Even when you had some tears at the end-there is nothing wrong with showing him you are vulnerable and that you need him to be home.

You cannot make the A end, but you can work on being the best W you can be. See if he'll fill out the questionaire so that you can be better at filling his ENs. Show him that it is safe for him to come home, and that you still believe in your M. From the things he was saying last night, it seems like he doesn't think it would be possible for you to forgive him. All you can do is show him that it IS possible.

You are in my prayers....I hope your day goes better!!

Well i just tried to contact WH because i can't get into or talk to the electric and gas company that are now threating to shut off my heat and electric. I was trying to get a hold of him to let him know this and he has yet to call me back this was about 1/2hr ago. I have an infant at home and this is irrating me to no end.

I feel like this absolutely sucks and that because he didn't answer the phone and all i can think of is that he is with her and that is why he won't answer me.

i am so frustrated i can't stand it..... i am so upset and i can't believe i have to deal with the house... the baby... .bills and two dogs and he gets away scott free

I am sooooo sorry! Do you rent or own? Are the utilities in his name? Do you have the money to pay them? If so, you can get in through the internet and pay most bills if you have his info. Even sending them $50 would prevent them from turning it off. I would write a letter explaining that you have an infant in the home and that you would hope that they would take that into consideration. There are laws protecting this from happening. Get on Google and do a search for something like "can't pay utilities and have a baby." May want to add that you are from NJ to get specific laws for your state. You have to protect yourself and your baby with whatever mean possible. Unfortunately, even if you D him and are awarded child support and alimony or whatever, he can still choose not to pay them. It takes a while for the system to catch up with him and do anything about it. Then, he can work under the table to escape garnishments and all kinds of nonsense. Seek out help from your state so that you can at least sleep without that worry.

Try not to focus on what he is doing. There is nothing but pain in it for you. I know it sounds impossible, but do what you can to lift your spirits. I am so sorry you are going through this!!

yes i called and told the utility companies my situation but they said unfortnately since i am not on the account they can not talk to me. i even explained he moved out and left us and they said that that iddn't matter they could only talk to him. I called and left him a message and then he sent text back to me saying he was busy and couldn't talk right then he would call me later. i told him it was important and he said he was busy so i called again and he got pissed off

i asked where he was that i couldn't know and he said it was none of my business. I don't know what to do i am so confused so sad today and i told him that i didn't sign up for this and he said neither did he but we are where we are.

I hurt so much right now and this is so frustrating cause there isn't much i can do about any of this i can't fix it and i feel like it is my fault cause i worked and i wasn't there for him and i wasn't nice to him. I feel like i did all of this and i don't know how to fix it. I hate that there is nothing i can do to bring him home. I didn't want him made at me so i sent him a message saying that i was sorry it isn't any of my buisness where he is. I feel so sick to my stomach that i don't know what to do any more. This is like spinning out of control right now and i wish there was something i could do.

I know you all say plan b would be in order but i just think i will loose him forever with that.

OK, first things first...BREATH. I know you are scared, who wouldn't be. I just posted to toomuch and told him (he is in the same mindframe as you-why didn't I do this and that) we ALL have things from the past we would like to change. That is why Plan A is about fixing those things that you have recognized need changing about yourself. But the thing is, we are not defined by our mistakes, we are defined by the lessons we learn and what we do with it NOW and in the FUTURE. You have to leave the past behind you (just a little Lion King for ya).

Now, next on the list is a lawyer. You do not need to file for a D now, but he needs to step up as a father and H (wayward or not) and take care of his business. If the utilities are in his name, they need to be switched into your name immediately. A lawyer can help you work out all the deatils and make sure that he is put on notice (that way it doesn't seem like you are making demands). It will also be taken into consideration if this does all end up in a D. Please do not accept any of your past transgressions as a hard worker to justify what he is doing. He will, at least for a while, but it is MALARKY!! If there were things he needed of you, there are a million other ways to deal with that other than have an A. So do not let your heart be fooled into thinking that this is all your fault. Remember, you were 50% responsible for the state of the M b4, but he is 100% responsible for having the A. All you can do is improve yourself, be the best W and person you can be and if he notices-GREAT! If not, then that's his problem.

But he needs to be responsible for this utility thing ASAP. Call a lawyer tomorrow morning and get it straightened out. It will not take long!!

Keep your head up, sweetie. This too shall pass...

Hey...I'm getting 2x4's on other threads as well. LOL

I'm out of it now...between Lala, and a group hug from my DDs 5 mins ago, that did the trick.

LH4 - No LBs remember. That all you want to think about. Get your point across nice and calm. Lala is right you need to get everything changed into your name.

Remember Sunday night, he's struggling too so this is not over yet.

Keep it up, you'll be fine.

Well i made even more of a mess of things cause he came over and i just got all upset again. I can't help it and he knows the "games" he says i am playing and what not. I just don't understand any of this i wish i could understand it.

He left her saying he still doesn't know where any of this is going and is hoping that he has the answers soon. He still says a small part of him loves me and will always love me. I just don't understand how he could walk out on his family. He says that the baby needs me more than she needs him and i said he is wrong she needs both of her parents.

I know you are trying to hit me with 2x4's but i feel like i know this is my fault that he is this way. I was mean to him and would throw things in his face and i wish to God above that i could fix this. I feel like i am failing at this and there is absolutely nothing i can do to fix nor stop this. I love this man more than anything and i hurt him so much and i can't fix this.

I just can't stop crying today it is one of those pitty party days.

Oh dear, you sound like I did only a few weeks ago. Luckily with time these episodes don't last as long they are not as bad. I down this afternoon, but a little 2x4 from Lala and a hug from the DDs snapped me out of it. (Good thing, because I curled awesome). It's about catching yourself and saying to yourself that you won't react before you do. I know its tuff, you read my thread, so you know I struggle with this quite a bit too.

B, it sound like your the in control able to take care of any situation type (allot like me) and what is driving you nuts is that you feel like you've completely lost control. Am I close? If so you'll want to accept that this one is out of your DIRECT control. All you can do is control your own reactions to what he does. It takes practice, but it will make a big difference.

From what you describe I get the feeling that he's looking for the excuse to come back, but when you loose it, he get scared again.

I feel for you and wish I could tell you something more comforting.

We are here for you B, remember that and don't ever hesitate to come here and vent.

Well last night i did all the no no's. I was crying and begging and pleading for him to stay. I just feel like i can't do any of this right . I did so well the first few days he was gone and yesterday just blew it. I fell to pieces right infront of him. I hate knowing or the not knowing of where he is when he isn't home cause i am damn sure he is with her.

He says he isn't but he is lying to me and that hurts even worse. I don't know how to do this any more i don't know how to let go and stand back and watch my family fall apart. I have worked so hard for everything that we have and all i can do is feel like the shoulda woulda coulda attitude. I got married to this man cause i thought he would stand by me through thick and thin and he said he tried and just can't do it any more.

He said he is really afraid of coming home cause he doesn't know if he could ever be happy again. It just sucks i have an infant... 5 bedroom house.... bills.... and dogs to take care of while he is living rent free at a friends house coming and going as he pleases.

GRRRRR is all i have to say...ok off to work