Hi LH4E,

How are you and the baby this morning? Hope you get/stay stronger and get the help you need.

One thought on seeking help.....I seldom ask for help, usually I try to give others the opportunity to share in my solutions.

Sometimes that different perspective creates a win/win out of challenges. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace

My dh spews the same crap on me. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I could be of more support but I'm rather lost myself right now...

Hang in there, mama!

well WH came in and was as nice as pie to me. He made dinner sat and watched tv with me the whole nine. This am when i got up to leave work he even complemented me on how nice i looked and to have a nice day. I just don't get it anything any more. I feel like crap today and i have to work all day i just wanted to go back to bed and forget everything. I know tonight will be hard as he is leaving again to go back to where ever it is he is staying and him and the OW have off tomo.... so that makes me sad cause i am sure they will spend time together while i am at work.... oh well such is life.

Again another pitty party for me.... i just don't understand why i am not good enough. I don't get why the OW who has no ambition in life is so much better than i. We own two houses... two dogs... two new cars.... and a beautiful new daughter (mainly because of my salary) and i can't understand why he would want to be with her. I know there are no answers but i just want to understand. I just wish i knew why this was happening and why i can't fix it.

He says that he has to be the one to fix it now. He wants to continue talking on the phone and on text but he doesn't want to come here and see me and the baby cause of us getting so emotional when he leaves.

LH4,

You are not enough because you are the one choosing to believe you are not enough...

that you earn love...

and you don't.

You are loved. He loves you right this moment...not loving feelings...though I bet he often feels those in your Plan A...he does love you.

Stop choosing this DJ...stop comparing yourself to OW...THERE IS NO COMPARISON...

You are real...you are his wife...you know this man (before the alien abuduction)...

OW is not real...she's fantasy...she's a clean slate...that's what she has that you don't...you really know him...neither of them know each other really.

What are you doing in your Plan A? How are you bringing reality, knowing it fully, and not allowing yourself to indulge in fantasy...like he's having a real relationship over there?

There's a big difference in "getting so emotional"...you feel strong emotions or you act them out...if you are doing the first (say, you and the baby cry)...that's having real emotions...perfectly okay and his cop out...he's lying. Know he's lying...and know he is CHOOSING not to see you in person. Get that straight...you can't make him or not make him see you and his baby.

If you're acting out your pain/fear/anger...yelling, body language, gripping him, sobbing loudly and fitfully...that's another thing. That's not Plan A.

If your DD is doing it, that's okay.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Calm, respectful interactions...in your communications...and include, "I know you're choosing to live in fantasy right now with OW (and say "other woman" not her first name...use her last name to show she's no part of your family)."

You know you aren't powerfully enough to make him do anything...so live that reality...and learn to love who you are, know and experience life because you have always been and will always be enough...you are equal to everyone on this planet, 'k?

Make your WH into a clean slate...don't assume a thing about him...makes it easy when he seems nothing like your real DH...practice interest, not assumption...listen and repeat...act from respect and love...and you will understand that OW really isn't real...she's a fantasy partner, 'k?

LA

((((Loving))))

Oh honey, I have said those same words. Heck, I was saying them b4 OW came into the picture. I have been saying it for awhile now.

But LA is right. You are good enough, look on the inside at yourself. Do not feed the crap to yourself and if he has said it (mine did for awhile...and actually He didn't say those exact words, but that was how I perceived them....now that his A has been exposed he has changed his tune....) Don't take the bait.

YOUR happiness and self-esteem comes from YOU, Nobody else. Not even your H. YOu must remember that.

I don't want you to fall into this trap, because nothing good comes of it. Yes, you may need some things that can be changed, but you are a WONDERFUL person overall. GOD made you, therefore you must GOOD.

I just wanted you to know this, because it is vitally important to your sanity.....

not2fun

Ok well had to take DD to the ER last night for her first visit to the hospital since she was born. She has the stomach flu and i just coudln't keep anything in her it was coming out one end or the other. Luckily they didn't have to keep her so we got home late last night.

I know what you all mean and i do feel like i am worth it but WH spue just makes me feel so horrible inside. I know he doesn't mean cause after all is sad and done he calls or text how sorry he is for everythign he has said and done and for what he has become.

He did come down to the hospital last night and he got some text messages from some of our friends about how he needs to grow up and stop messing with peoples lives. That they care about him and wishes he could see what he is doing to all of his family and friends and how they don't like what he has turned into and that they care about him and wishes he would just talk to them. He got mad at first but when i asked him a question about the dogs he started to say i just don't know what to do any more i don't know what i should do... yada yada. Then when i got home from the ER i was getting changed and he walked in the door. He said he just wanted to make sure we got home ok. He said he wants to stay but he just can't right now he is trying to find a way to come home he told me not to give up hope on us. He was worried cause the two of us are sick here and i told him not to sound mean but we will be ok and that i have to take care of our DD whether i am sick or not and we will be fine.

Now he told me he hates that i say that and that he feels like such an A**hole about not being there with us. I just told him it is what it is and this is your choice not mine. He got silent. I told him OUR FRIENDS are really worried about you the ones that have known you your whole life are so concerned about you you are not doing your job at work .... you are so distracted and your not nice any more to anyone no matter what you think. They see that he is so focused on the OW and letting his communications with her dictate his actions. It's just so sad that he is letting that happen.

He says he sees what is happening and he just doesn't know what to do..... i just told him that DD and i will be fine and to not worry about us. He wanted me to call in the middle of the night if i got to sick to take care of the baby and he would come right back to help..... he just felt horrible last night for leaving and for what he has done. He said he has so much anger and guilt at himself that he doesn't know how to come home right now.

He just knows how to confuse the crap of me.

Actions not words. This is his guilt talking but his TAKER is still in control.

Girl, I know it's gotta be hard trying to deal with all this while you're sick and your baby's sick. I've been sick since Christmas with bronchitis/pneumonia and I can barely think straight. I can't imagine trying to handle a WH on top of all of that.

My prayers for you this morning are #1- a miraculous physical healing (because you can't function if you're not well), #2 - strength for you emotionally to be able to hang on and focus on YOU, and #3 - that God will continue to put people in your WH's path that care enough to confront him on his actions.

((((Loving and Baby))))

Oh and this comparing yourself to the OW crapola? That's like comparing a weed to a rose. Stop that. You are beautiful and worthy of a man who will love you and SEE your beauty. We're hoping that's WH, but if not, his loss because you're still the prize.

Hi Loving,

How's it going today? PM is giving you great advice. I'm still praying for you. How's the baby? And YOU?

Ace

I appreciate all of the imput you all are giving me. I am feeling better as far as the stomach flu but now i have a head cold and cough. The baby finally stopped vomiting which is great but now she has pink eye this am. I feel so bad having to take her to the sitter but i don't have any other choice at this point.

She is such a good happy baby and i don't know what i would do with out her.

I am doing OK..... i am really sad today about everything. he has tried to text me today but i haven't responded to him yet. He wanted to know how i was but i don't want to write what i really feel cause i doubt if he cares. To me if he did care then he would be home and not with her. I just hate everything right now. i don't know what to do any more he just keeps saying he wants to find a way to come home but he just doesn't know how to yet.

It really stinks and i just wish he could see what he was doing he says he sees it and he doesn't like it but he has to do what makes him happy now not anyone else.

Oh well i need to get out of the pity party mode and move on cause that's what he is doing in a sense.

Glad you are feeling better.

Ignore what your husband is telling you. If he felt so horrible about being away, he would'nt be gone.

Watch his words, and not his actions.

This is wayward babble bullchit. What he is really saying is that he wants his cake and eat it too. He is fence sitting. Do a really good plan A and then knock him off the fence with plan b.



Pure wayward spouse entitlement. He has done gone and justified himself silly. They are selfish a$$es, aren't they? He's just like all of them. They're all the same.

Hopefully he'll be out of the fog soon before he loses what he's gonna wish he'd never lost for the rest of his life.

My ex husband, the biological father of my teenagers, has wanted me back several times and I know he regrets leaving us. Too bad now. And I always knew he would regret it.

How are you doing, Loving? And how's the baby?

Ace

Hey Ace,

Baby is doing some what better ..... so far today she has kept everything down.. keeping my fingers crossed.

As for the rest of my life it is status quo right now. I haven't really spoken to WH too much since the baby was in the ER but when i have he has been overly nice and thanking me for taking the time to talk to him and for helping him. I am not sure what is going on in that brain of his and i am tired of trying to figure it out.

He did today to call and get my medical opinion on him taking AD. He thinks he might need it to help him focus. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know if this will help bring him closer to coming out of the fog or it will just be more justification for him to leave permently. He has told me he is trying to find a way to come home but i don't know if that is all hogwash or what.

I am trying to be still and let God do is work on him as i know that this is out of my control. I dunno we shall see i suppose.

THanks for checking in on me.

I think the ADs may help him get a better perspective on things. If he is drawn to drama, and the OW probably fits that bill, the ADs will remove the desire to feed that drama and he will start to long for his life back. The one with you and the new baby in it!

I just think you are doing such a great job, although I know it's hard to not get down. You have soooo much on your shoulders right now. But that just makes you amazing in my eyes. That you can be this strong speaks volumes about your character. You will come out of this a stronger, better woman, I just KNOW it!

Keep your head up high and don't forget to take care of yourself.

Hey LaLa i thought you were taking a break for a few days..... gues you just couldn't resist j/k. I always love to see you posting to me.... your posts seem to brighten my day up that much more.

As for my WH he typically is not drawn to drama and yes the OW certainly likes to be in drama and the center of attention from my understanding of everything. I certainly hope you are right about wanting his life back with me and the baby.

He told ppl at work today (not specifics) but that he makes a decision one way and then talks himself out of it. He has told me that before that he has started to make the decision to come back and stay but then he starts to talk himself out of all of it cause of his guilt and me only changing temporarily... yada yada..... but he apparently had a long discussion with people at work about the AD and i know he had been putting some thought into it.

I don't know about the great job i keep getting sucked into believing what he is telling me. The last few days since the baby was in the ER i and others have noticed a change in him... for the good i suppose..... He called last night and talked to me on the phone for almost 45 mins about pretty much nothing and then today he has been texting me off and on to say hi and see how things are and that he wants to stop by if i am ok with it. He understands if i wasn't i told him i know you want to see the baby..... and he said and i would like to see you and say hi.

I dunno i am trying not to read into any of it but as TMTS says it is hard sometimes. I will have dinner cooking so if he comes in he can eat as well if he would like.... we shall see how it goes.

Just wanted to give an AMEN to this! LOVING -- my dh is saying the same exact stuff as you. Oh the guilt, oh the depression/stomach aches, etc. You know what? THEY have the power to stop this, to do the right thing -- and yet they choose not to. Trust me, it's easy enough to take those words as comforting, but until they take action, it means nothing.

It's not to say that those feelings aren't a start to something, because I think they ARE. Our WS's just havne't reached the "do or die" point yet. It's to come though, my sweet.

Take care of you and the babe. Love to you both.

ok well now i am stuck with this stupid title for my post.... i may just start a new one when i figure out how to link this one to that.

At any rate update is WH came over last night to visit with me and the baby. He walked in the door all happy to be there and what like what i don't get a hug. That kinda threw me for a loop but i got up and gave him a hug and went about my buisness. He then was playing with the baby and we were watching tv and what not and everytime i looked over i caught him staring at me. I didn't say anything.

I was half Goddessed up i was in jeans and a new awesome sweatshirt that i got for xmas with my hair and make up done. Nothing super special. But i was lying on the couch and he said you know you look really good. I said thanks and smiled. He just seemed different. Well then it was time for DD to go to bed and then we sat out and watched tv and talked for a bit. he asked if it would be ok if he stopped by again this week to visit and that he was wondering if i would want to do something if our scheduals fit. That kinda threw me for a loop. I said sure just let me know i have a few things planned for the week but we should be able to find some time. He said good and smiled. when he left he gave me another hug and said it was really good to see me again. I said thanks. Well he then proceded to text me all the way back to where he is staying and even said good nite.

I know no expecations but other people have noticed a change in him. I am wondering if he does start the AD if it is going to continue to be clearer for him to come home. I dunno I am not going to sit around and wait for his call however i am going to keep on with my plans. If he calls and wants to do something i will invite him along if not oh well his loss.

At anyrate have a great day everyone.

Hi loving,

If you want to change your thread name to something permanent you can email the mods and ask them to change it for you. Be patient but one of them will get back to you.

Also there are keystroke linking directions on Mark's Musing thread. Saturn and MAZ taught me how several months after I began posting and it's very helpful. In fact, I'll try to find it and link it for you.

Hope you're keeping focused on your baby and you....your H seems to be noticing your goddess-ness.....good!

Ace