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A couple of years ago my dear earthly father passed away from a sudden heart attack. I have 7 siblings, the youngest one is a half-brother from one of my mother's adulteries. My father raised him and he was in no way treated less than the rest of us siblings... Au contraire, as my mother made it extremely obvious that she favored him (in fact he still lives @ home with my mother - he and his wife and kids - pays no expenses). When my father died this brother took it very hard, VERY VERY HARD, as in he made a huge point in acting as if the rest of us siblings could not possibly understand how hard 'HIS' father passing away was on HIM... When he first got the news he went into a very scary VIOLENT rage AGAINST one of my sisters (who had also JUST FOUND OUT about her daddy dying)! When she tried to calm him down he started screaming at her for supposedly not empathizing with him because he had just found out that HIS FATHER (um - not hers too?) had died. He told the pastor not to allow any of us other siblings to speak @ our father's memorial service, that HE alone would do that! (Three of us, myself included, got up and spoke anyway - without his 'permission' - an action he coplained was 'wrong' for us to do...) When the siblings who lived in the same town as our parents brought food over for after the funeral, food for my mother and the visiting relatives who would be in town (folks like me and my daughters), he YELLED at one of my sisters for wanting to heat up and serve some of the food SHE herself had brought! He yelled that is was HIS FOOD and that she had no business taking it out of the fridge to warm it up!
I'm sorry to hear about that.
OK, so this is the point I'm getting at:
Back, you remind me of that brother in many ways. For some odd reason you seem to believe that YOU are the ONLY one posting here who understands the depth of the despair and hurt you are suffering - that you alone are suffering that deeply.
mm, no, I don't believe for a moment that I am the only one suffering. I'm sorry I came here to share in an anonymous setting... as I came through my withdrawal. No, I really didn't want to share with friends or have them "see me through" what I was feeling.
In the first place, I think of one friend. She's been through a lot. It's just not fair of me to even share in her presence my own hurts and pains.
And I'm looking forward to being "through" what I just had to puke for a bit.
I'm sorry. No, I haven't been "present" for others here as much as I'd like. It was, for me, a crisis.
I don't "dump" on people out here in 3D. I'm here for others. I don't mean to be insensitive to others here and what they are experiencing.
But it's kind of like a trauma unit thing,... kind of... okay? I was really hurt... and because I was hurt... yeah, maybe I was just venting and stuff.
Kind of like in the labor room.
It's not that I intend to spend the rest of my life like that. If I couldn't have "worked through it"... I would hav e just "closed up the wound"... figured "failed again"... and dropped it.
And, yes, I'd like to be present for others.
The impression given by your posts is that you are forgetting that MOST of us posting here have/are dealing with the same thing. I sort of sense that you think what you're going through entitles you to rage and vent against us but that we shan't respond to you in a way that might even be the slightest bit challenging or confrontational or else we're being insensitive to what YOU are going through. You go into great detail describing how 'burned' etc, you felt by the betrayal as if you believe that if only we could be made to understand how badly you feel surely we would agree with you and would excuse anything you post towards us.
I'm sorry. I just wasn't up to it. Plus, when I am giving "fair warning"... "please step back!"... "just listen!"... "don't judge!"... and people don't listen...
they really did contribute to making it more dramatic than it needed to be.
I guess people don't know... looking... "Hey, is this a lifetime habit here?"...
But it's not. It was just coming out of withdrawal in relation to the most traumatic thing in my life... and I just wanted to "come out of it"... with less conflict with others who wanted to critique me or overhelp when I wasn't perpared and it just wasn't the time for that.
(And it's never time for the things mkeverydycount says... and when a person is newly walking into a social group and is greeted by being called rotten names, etc... well... never mind, I'll drop it.)
People like that behaving so excessively make it more challenging to respond appropriately to people who are less vicious... because they so hurt a person (me) when that person is moving to process out their greatest hurt and pain.
And, yes, mm... I know I'm not the only one whose experienced it.
Sorry, but that's why....
I picked the global "you" here....
to come to in my time of ...
let's call it "transition".
(I'm really nice when I'm in a different mode... like... moving into "intimacy"... like in friendship and things... like Dr. Harley said.)
OK!!! I put my WORST foot forward!!! (I know I did... but can't I have a little grace????????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> )
The next time you're tempted to post one of your rants about how hurt you are and how mean the people who have tried to help you are supposedly being to you, why don't you consider first the feelings of those you attack and what they might be trying to deal with themselves?
OK.
And, here's the deal, I'm not likely to further vent. I know it maybe was whatever... but I just tend to work through things quickly... and really have no other area of my life where there are any issues.
I felt like people were just elongating and making more difficult something I'd get through quickly and be done with... if they would please just listen and cooperate... no matter how they thought they "knew better".
And, let's face it, pc's are not the most effective means of relating to people. (That only made it worse... because I really am much more adept in a 3D setting. And also more sensitive to others. But points noted and I'll work at it.)
Sometimes I wish that I had tried to pull my baby brother aside and explain to him that we ALL were grieving at our father's funeral - not just him; maybe I should have tried to tell him that his behavior towards the rest of us was cruel... I DO understand he was grieving. But it was his inflated self-esteem and his lack of respect for anyone else that made him feel entitled to behave in such a rude way. We sort of shut up and put up with his rudeness and insensitivity towards us because we didn't believe he possessed enough humility about himself, or enough concern for us, to have taken any correction from us the right way. If we had tried to tell him his behavior was inappropriate, insulting, selfish, and insensitive, he would have just run to mommy to complain that we were being 'mean' to him.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience there.
Yet, sincerely, this is how I view it. I didn't "jump on" a thread by someone else and start "venting".
In other words, this was my family funeral. And anyone who came onto this thread was coming to my family funeral... because they chose to come.
And if it was about "me"... well, it really was about "me". It wasn't a thread started relative to someone else.
And why come to a funeral and upset the widow??? Why not just either try to comfort her in a way that she doesn't tell you is making things worse and upsetting her... or just not come to the funeral?
Or, better yet, just not say anything out of consideration for her grief?
Judging a widow at a funeral? Not good form.
So, I do see a difference there myself. It's not like I was in "general chat"... or jumped on a thread started by someone else or for someone else to "talk about myself".
And I really did feel the need to work somethings out of my system.
I SINCERELY hope in your future posts you prove me wrong by demonstrating more humility, less self-centeredness, and more empathy for others.
I kinda think I'm "through it"... and don't really want to talk about it. I'm not one to want to focus on negative things. More tend to "light up a room".
Oops... well, guess not a labor room... when in intense pain. No, I didn't light up that room. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Actually, I'm joking. To tell you the truth, when I had my son... I had him with such ease... and so maintained my composure... and was so nice to everyone... there was a nurse there being trained by another nurse.
The senior nurse turned to the trainee and said, "Not all labors are like this. This doesn't happen like this usually."
Yeah, I"m a one push wonder... like I say... I get through things quickly. (That doc didn't try to, well, shut my legs when I wanted to push or try to "stop me"... or tell me things personal that were trying... when I was in intense pain. Smart guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> )
One other thing.
As far as being empathetic... I'm very empathetic.
When I was diagnosed with cancer... I was alone. A needle biopsy was done and got the results on the spot... after just a short wait. They had the equipment right there and could look at the cells.
This lady was really upset... stressed that she had to give me this news... and I was all alone there.
I felt terrible for her. I told her I'd be fine.
I asked if she was okay.
(I sincerely thought more of her than I did of me. I knew I'd be fine. And I was.)
This year, found another lump. Yes, my doctor loves me!! (Not just my 2 shrinks... my doctor too... lol) Why does that tick people off to hear that people love me? I think they need to take a good, strong look at themselves over that.
Yeah, he tells me about his divorce. Asks me about my ex. Would love to go out with me, I think.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I'm a very kind person, mm. That's why, perhaps.
And, anyway, my poor doctor looked like he was kicked in the stomache and he was so disheartened and just a dark somberness came over him that we found another lump. I felt so bad for him. (I just felt so bad about that... not about finding the lump... but that my doctor was so devastated like he'd be losing some sunshine... by losing me as a patient. Everyone there loves me, I think...???? They seem to. When I walk in, it's like "cheers" sometimes.)
Well, it was benign. I called him right away and left a message for him... cause I knew he was concerned for me. I didn't want him to have to wait a couple/few days for the test results to get mailed to him from the lab to put in my file. I had been told right away where I was tested - not by doctor's office.)
Anyway, when a person is diagnosed with cancer... and threatened again with same after having been cured... and is more concerned for how it seems to devastate those around her... than she is for herself... that's the kind of person I really am.
I'm very nice. I don't throw tantrums or fits.
(Except I did towards the ex relative the OW... the "exception").
But people on here are overly focussed on their own hurt and pain... when that's they overlap it in their perceptions and views of others... and feel the need to jump on a thread to attack... and talk about the person who is wounded... and other really poor manners I've seen on this thread.
Mess with a pregnant woman giving birth... and, well....
She delivers.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I dunno... I think I'm through it now and would rather talk about something fun.
(I never really talk about this with friends... and I sure don't vent my feelings... cause if I can't process through them... no point letting them surface. But this time... for a reason God knows... I've gotten grace. I'm not fully mended, no... but it's begun... and I'll just let the Lord work and really don't need to talk about it. I like to focus on positive action steps. I love Dr. Harley's books.)
God bless.
