One of the main purposes of Plan B is virtually no contact with the other spouse (exceptions might be a family member dying in hospital, etc.); if you have some type of contact such as seeing you when pick up the kids, or emailing you about the kids, etc. will defeat the purpose of Plan B.



Are you refering to alienation of affections? If so, make sure how much time your attorney will have to spend to file such claim and how much it will cost you.

I would save the AOA claim as an Ace up your sleeve later on if you need it. Rather than the AOA claim, just have your attorney subpoena the OW as a witness in the temporary hearing.

Agree very much with this. It sends a powerful message for an OP to have to go to court and be questioned about their adultery UNDER OATH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

wow - you guys are seriously AWESOME. i'm guessing this is somewhat how it feels if you're with an alcoholic for a long time then finally go to an Alanon meeting and find out you're A) not alone and B) not crazy! thanks..

the papers are already ready (yes, it made me double over when i saw our lovely, dated life of marriage and births followed by words like ADULTERY) - and yes the OW is named in it, and my lawyer agreed with you to just keep the other suit as a 'back-pocket, post-divorce' option.

he also - btw, advised against telling the boss right now. he said if they do have a policy where they would have to let him go and he lost his job and could no longer provide, the courts would look upon me poorly - seeing it as a vindicive act that caused hurt to my children's welfare.

I thought of a couple planB options that may work - i'm basically ready to file, and am wondering about doing it in the next week. My good friend (sister-like) will be visiting fri-tues, so it might be good to have her physical support here..? especially if he freaks out (which is likely).

I think i'm afraid that i'm managing right now, and if i put this into motion i may start to lose some things. Like although he may pay the bills, we won't have money for anything extra, or he'll stop paying things like internet or gym or something. i don't know. but i guess at this point i'm feeling like maybe i'm kind of emotionally prostituting myself for a few meaningless things? and there's really no way to guarantee how things will be, what i will/won't get until it gets started, right?

i'm also worried about his response - he's so amiable now, which feels better. if he becomes hostile, starts making everything difficult, won't seek counseling anymore? are these important things to consider, or just throw them out?

i hate being put in this situation. i hate having so much (esp. for my kids) riding on what feels like my decisions, even though i know in my head who actually steered us down this road.

i had a picture this morning of standing at the edge of a dark kind of forest/valley-type place. it's like i've just been standing here, poised on the brink of nothingness, since i found out two months ago. hoping he will change our direction so i don't have to enter this place, not wanting to turn around and see that everything i knew and want to hold onto is actually already on fire. And I felt like God was really saying it's okay, i don't get to know what is inside this valley/forest, but He's going in with me, and I really have to go in/through if I ever hope to move beyond the horrible stuck-place i'm in right now. anyway, thanks for being like little kind glimmering eyes looking through those dark trees at me, as i start to step in.

lastly, should i give him the letter (is email okay?) before he gets served, or after?

411 - it sounds like you have some experience with this (bipolar)..? thanks for the suggestions. I guess the problem is that i can't affect any of those things right now - AND, i think he's on the wrong meds. when he got so seriously depressed this spring he went to a physcian once - first time ever seeing him, who prescribed lexapro and atavan. i have heard though that if you are bipolar antidepressants can make it worse, which i think is what happened in his case. he began seeing her 'officially' (according to him) about a month after beginning the Lex. i have told him my suspicions about him being bipolar, he didn't seem too phased either way. he has a friend that is bp - but it looks different in him, so i think he just dismisses it because it's not the same. anyway, he's not seeing any counselor/doctor right now, so my only hope of him getting on the right meds is if he does go to this clinic..

You are NOT alone. We're here.



I like your lawyer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I defer to others here about this as I never exposed (didn't have MB!).


Support is good as long as she understand the whys and wherefores of why you're doing this. Are you worried that he'll get physical? Address this with your attorney!


Ask your attorney to address everything. You should not have to change your way of living because of his choices, especially during the temporary period.


He's a WS. Stop worrying about what he thinks right now. You will definitely get his attention, but he will be where he because of his choices... not your's.


You are fighting for and protecting the family. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If he comes back, he may even thank you later for taking a stand.


The light is on the other side. The light of healing, peace and joy... however this turns out.


Again, I defer to the others as to timing on this.

(((Phoenix)))

phoenix, I would plan on having him served FIRST and then immediately afterwards going into plan B. You will want to also designate an intermediary who can communicate any PERTINENT messages from him. She is to act as a SPAM filter and only pass on pertinent messages regarding the kids, finances in HER WORDS, not his.

I would also be prepared for him to use every trick in the book to test your resolve to go dark. He will try every way to get through, so be prepared to block him.

I dont think your atty gave you good advice about not exposing at work. Not doing so leaves his company wide open for sexual harrassment lawsuits and otherwise faciliatates his affair. If he did lose his job, it would be because of his ADULTERY and nothing else. That cannot possibly be blamed on you. And in all the years I have been here, I have never heard of it causing a problem. If he really thinks it will, you might want to consider an anonymous exposure. BritsBrat, a corporate attorney who posts here, can help you do that.

i can't believe how much energy+time i spent gearing up my plan B today. tonight i realized just how scared and sad i feel about moving forward. i hate that it feels like i'm choosing this hard path, even though the reality is just that he's burned/blocked all the other roads for the time being. i am just seeing how much harder things are going to start getting for me, and i feel scared. and scared about whether i'm doing the right thing - when you get on into your life (either way it goes), do you constantly question whether you made all the right moves..? it feels like so much depends on me, is that the reality?

he got a blackberry from work today, and is seeming big and important sending me messages from it. i'm surprised how much it bummed me out! i can't believe that his career/lifestyle is just going to keep escalating, while i struggle to make a home for our kids and take care of them however i can - no glamour in the picture there i think. <sigh> just wondering if there are any more hugs out there tonight (thanks princess meggy!!) ..

((((((phoenix4))))))

Further to Melody's post:

I do not believe that if you expose to his work your attorney is right about you being seen as vindictive. Sure, you risk him losing his job by exposing the affair. But it is not the exposure that jeopardizes his job; it is the affair.

You are not motivated by malice. You are shining light on questionable behavior. Evil behavior. Employers like married men because they are stable and reliable; they tolerate a lot in order to maintain their families. Your H is behaving unstably and unreliably. He is introducing bad stuff into the workplace.

Rambling on: In the company's own best interests, is it better for their staff to be diddling around in the parking lot and the stairwells and sending mash notes to each other via company email? If they learn about affairs that erode morale and do nothing, the behavior can spread. More instability. If they learn about the affair and call one or both affairees on the carpet, the fluffy pink romance curtain looks pretty cheap. It begins to unravel.

The thrill of secrecy, of "almost" getting caught but escaping just in time, fades. It's not fun anymore.

Finished rambling.

thanks guys. yeah, i can't shake the idea of telling the boss, and rediscussed it with my lawyer today. he told me to draft the email i'd send and show him.. so really, no one here has seen this happen and the spouse get fired?

SO, been working on my Plan B draft - would REALLY love some feedback! thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My dearest husband,

I love you and the family we have created. I married you for life. Unfortunately, the circumstances of our current situation are eroding my love for you. To preserve the small chance that we will be able to come together as an intact family again, I must cease contact with you. The pain your continued affair causes me makes any contact with you too great. I hope there will come a time before it's too late that you choose to end your affair so that we can work together to re-build the happy, loving marriage that we, and our boys, all deserve.

In the meantime I can not continue to be the wife of someone else's boyfriend, and need to pursue an end to this situation. I must insist upon the visitation spelled out below. These measures are more difficult for everyone in the short term - but are the only remaining hope to give our children what they most need; either the possibility of a restored family, or at least a stable mother to care for them. Our specific situation is logistically complex, but it is not my actions that have put us, or keep us, in this difficult place. It has now become critical to separate and eliminate the need for any contact between the two of us -and for you not to be in our family home while you continue adultery with another woman.

oh heck yes, they can get fired! If he does he will have to get another job pronto. But it won't be your fault he gets fired. If he gets fired it will be because of his adultery. Some companies don't choose to employ adulterers and that is their right.

But apparently THE affairees are not worried about it, so you shouldn't be either.

But more importantly, it causes great conflict in the affair to expose at work. If they know at work, then it is much harder to carry on the affair there.

ok, but WOULD he have to get a new job right away? what if he just got one that paid way less so we ended up not being able to pay the mortgage and i would get less in the settlement? is that possible?

and really hoping for some feedback on the plan b letter! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

There are some good points. But I'm not one of the experts. Mel is much better at this. I did have a problem with this line, though:


Seemed a little too wishy-washy...You need to tell him that you are cutting off ALL contact with him until he ends the affair and agrees to NO CONTACT with the OW.

AND this one:


Too much lecturing in the above line. WH mindset may not register the message. Or will ignore it because after all, WH's know best! Don't they? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

That's the best I can do for now. Someone else will weigh in soon, I'm sure.

In other words...TELL him the affair must end before you will be in contact with him again. You got the right idea but the way you are trying to convey it in the letter is too weak

AND

too nice. You are talking about FOREVER here, NO CONTACT with you FOREVER unless he ends his affair.

I hope I explained this correctly.

phoenix, my gosh, you are scaring yourself with whatifs! There ARE no guarantees! If you don't do what is necessary to save your marriage and end up divorced, it won't matter if he has a job or not. That is why you need to what is necessary to save your marriage NOW.

Charlotte, can you give her that link to that Plan B letter I showed you? I am in my office right now.

10-4 Mel!

Here it is, phoenix!

Plan B letter: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

thanks guys. can't get that link to work..? but i had gotten a link earlier to a plan b that i modeled mine after, maybe it's the same one? i just altered that one a bit. i'll revise it to be a little more clear - i think i'm trying to sound reasonable because my lawyer said that technically if he doesn't agree he could fight for access to the house/car and would probably get it.

re: work -- it seems pretty bleak right now that anything will end the affair - he has already hit a serious bottom but can't seem to stop the affair. so what i'm worried about is that the divorce will go through, and if he doesn't have a job i'll just get 30% of .. nothing.

also, his dream is really to paint. (which we've talked about doing - moving away from the city and getting small cheap house where he can paint, etc.) if we divorce now, he is pretty much nailed to stay at his corporate job and make that much indefinitely. if he gets an out by getting fired, i could imagine him getting a really low-key job that paid very little so that he could mostly just paint. which would make it impossible for the boys and i to stay in chicago.

i get that the 'what-if' game is kind of incessant and not helpful. it's so hard to feel like so much of our future depends on these decisions..?

I don't know why the link won't work. It's on my thread on page....ummmmmmmm....errrrr....34? 35? Somewhere around there.

I totally get the "what if?" thing. I was doing the same thing SO bad!

Right now I'm at the point of, "I-don't-give-a-damn-if-I-don't-B-now-I-will-hate-WH-and-move-on-to-greener-pastures."

And I'm scared about the D thing, too.

My attorney has enough on Mr. Gray to wallop him good. And if I ask my attorney to go 70/30 or whatever...he WILL do it and he WILL win. And that would probably truly be the end for us.

How are you in the faith department? Ever since everyone encouraged me to expose to OWH on that Tuesday instead of waiting until that Thursday, it just feels like God has been helping to guide me through this whole process and has brought all of these wonderful people into my life to help me. I mean, I have my family but Jonesy and I were exclusive to each other as far as friends go. Until the A turned him into Mr. Gray. All of my former friends either don't live here anymore or they are still too wild. (Like my former best friend who is a raging alcoholic.)

I was really low in the faith department before. REALLY low. But there are other forces at work here. Divine forces. I've never really experienced this in my life as far as God goes.

Or at least, I didn't recognize it for what it was. I mean, I believe God brought Jonesy and I together. And there have been times I had brushes with death through horseback or other accidents and I was saved from dying.