phoenix, I fixed the link to that letter and here it is: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

I would clean up that second paragraph and take out all the disrespectful judgements.

thanks c22. so nice to not feel alone, or crazy.
yeah, i can see how getting to that place of not caring would be better than this - it just feels like such an impossible road to get there. it is especially hard because i feel like in the end he will be happier with however the settlement comes out - we don't have many assets, and the stupid 32% child$$ is really amounts nothing for all four of us. even if i get some temporary maintenance for a few years, it's nothing compared to what i'm going to need for us while i try to find daycare and schools for the kids (i homeschool now, and the district we're in is pretty scary) and a job to cover it after not working ft for 7 years.. meanwhile, he gets the big chunk of his pay and it looks like his career will just continue to take off. how IS it possible to end up in this??

My faith is actually in a great place; it has been a year of really seeing God come along side me and move me forward as needed (like now). I've been amazed to see how much He's lead me down the MB path so far without even knowing it!! i also have an awesome church that has been amazing through this, and great friends. Very lacking in the family department - no parents really, and one kind of removed brother. I was really close to H parents, but am just trying not to put them in the middle at this point.

I think my faith that God is here and cares is pretty high; my faith that He can actually do much about much is kinda low though. I was really fighting and standing in faith all year, through the 5-mo separation, craziness, verbal attacks, etc -- really believing God was going to do something amazing. Even up until the last moments of D-day, I never believed he could have an A. I think the fact that God knew that was happening all along, all the nights I was up praying or worshipping or whatever, really hit me hard. But I'm rebounding I think.. At least he put me in a place of being able to look back and say I honestly did everything I could to save my marriage and give H a way out.

yeah .. that's a good one, thanks mel.
i will do some revision tonight..

(rrr.. i have a hard time with the disrespectful judgments creeping in there. you have a good eye for that..)

Ever since I finally took up for myself my faith in God has been restored. I have seen others here say the same. Must be along those lines of "God helps those who help themselves." I believe it, now.

What's with the 30%? You deserve WAY more than that!

She sure does!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I AGREE
(that i deserve way more)

but the gist of it is that child support $$ is set - 32% i think for three kids? and then some (even the most ain't much though) temporary maintenance until the youngest is in school, 2-3yrs. it's possible to get that extended a bit if we get a good judge, but who knows. the main thing they could do to benefit me is divide our assets heavily in my favor -- but all we really have is what's in our house, and even if i got the whole thing i won't be able to afford to keep it. moving to the best nearby schooldistrict looks more like living in a 2br condo with my 3 boys (vs our 4br, 3floor home right now).

fun stuff.

but WH will get his ideal of living in an apt in the city in freedom, not having to worry about such pithy things as school districts and such. (which btw, we did for 5 years - before we had KIDS!! but i guess if you can just leave the kids with the responsible parent, problem solved..)

That is TERRIBLE! That just seems so low.

And it adds insult to injury.

tell me about it.

one of the most insidious things this year has been that i think she's been feeding him a lot of 'poor you! - you don't get $$ for all the things YOU DESERVE for working so hard, you should have this or do this or whatever'. so all of a sudden my DH turned into a very angry resentful husband - about everything. having a driveway that needed to be shoveled - like it was my fault we had a driveway somehow. i remember when OW went on a trip alone to iceland and he was like a monster the whole week, so green with envy. meanwhile, we have one very old car, shop at aldi, and i can't remember the last time i got to go on a trip - anywhere. she has no idea the money that goes to things like tithing, soccer shoes, and on and on. just makes me crazy.

most of all, it makes me crazy that who will really suffer - who he's really stealing quality of life from, is the three boys he still claims to be crazy about.

Phoenix4,

I saw you posting on another thread about the homeschooling issue. I am also a homeschooling mom. It was really important to my kids to continue the homeschooling, so I started doing some nanny and housekeeping work during the week to supplement my income. I also work in the medical field, on the weekends when the girls are with their dad.

Since your kids are younger, if you put them in school, you would have the added expense of day care, right?

Oh, and it seems to be pretty common for the homeschooling issue to be a battle in the parenting plan/custody stuff. It seems pretty common for the non-custodial parent to kick up a fuss and demand the kids be put in school. My ex did that assuming it would lower his support payments.

Just some food for thought, I am sorry you find yourself in this crappy situation.

Phoenix4,

Although I have not posted to you before, I, too, saw you posting on another thread and receiving some conflicting sentiments regarding possibly becoming involved with another man during your present ordeal:

A poster with less than 15 posts said:


You said:


Poster:


You said:


Good for you, Phoenix. You steered the attempted threadjack back to the message you were trying to share with SMB.

* This statment appears to be from a thought process that should not ever enter one's mind when trying to deal with Plan A, Plan B or ever, for that matter. Good for you, Phoenix for your candid honest rebuff of such a negative sentiment.

You've got great posters helping you, Phoenix. Glad you seem to be able to discern well for yourself, too. Keep it up.

Ace

Pheonix4,

I just saw that Window90 was posting to you on my thread.

This person is not MBer knoweldgeable and has tried to stir up strife for my FWH that was unnecessary.

The vets here advised FWH and I to put Window90 on ignore. You can do that, too. When you are logged in, click on Window90's user name from one of her/his posts. Then choose "ignore this user".

I will respond on my post to your questions/comments; and I will read your thread.

But please IGNORE Window90. She will NOT be helpful in recovering your marriage. Listen to the vets from this board. I see MelodayLane is posting to you. She told me things I didn't want to hear, couldn't believe were true in my case, or thought my situation was different. But she was right EVERY TIME.

Thanks, SMB. Is windows90 another version of BestAdvisor/Schoolbus?

Mel has an amazing way of doing that, SMB. She did it for me, too.....and it really helped me.

Listen to Mel, Phoenix. She has great advice.

Ace

I wondered about this when windows90 was picking on SMB and tst not long ago.

We certainly suspect that might be the case.

Whoever it is, their goal was obviously NOT to support us in our recovery. Just wanted to stir up sh$t.

wow, thanks guys. nice to know people who are not currently stuck in the muck/fog are kind of watching my back.. i feel like i usually am pretty discerning, but right now there are just so many crazy loud voices going on in/around me! and i feel like being so deceived repeatedly over this last year has made me question my own discernment as well.

i was feeling all ready to file the papers today, and then last night got an email from the leader of H's old men's group (who is the only one still talking to H, still keeping the door open for H if he wants to turn back, holding out hope, etc.) he wrote,
'
I also think that if you're going to pursue no contact/filing divorce, that you have to not be "bluffing." ie, you need to be prepared to go fully through with it...not just using it as a tool to try to wake H up. I'm not saying that's what you're doing...just realizing that if you file, it very well may end up in divorce, which is a very serious outcome to consider.'

and it has me all flustered again today. like somehow i'm inflicting a serous outcome on our family, and is this the right thing? should i just try to hold out longer? if any of you can speak into this, i'd appreciate it.. was planning to file today, but am pretty scared.

and now i have a nice visual of mel in my head; like the glenda (oz) in a silver dress..

Although I can see the point in this, I would not recommend it. My lawyer said that if I establish a "routine" with the kids that allows H to be involved during the week, the courts will most likely use that as a schedule in the divorce.

Since FWH's thinking was so crazy and he had morphed into an alien that rejected so many of our previously held mutual convictions, I did not want the kids with him more that I had to allow. So during our separation, I only allowed every other weekend.

yeah - one of the hard parts is that he doesn't really have his own place (think he's been staying with her), or car - to take them anywhere. so he doesn't have much time with them - when he does, takes them to the zoo, etc. i've been trying so hard to figure out how to do this planb where i wouldn't see him at all, but it seems almost impossible when we don't have another place, car, family here, etc. but I AM working on it, waiting to hear back from a couple friends about whether crazy alien WH can use their homes to see our boys..

Phoenix, if you're not going to file then you're counting on your WH to "do the right thing" financially by you and the kids. I understand what your friend was saying but he's also assuming that WH will do what's right. IMO, you're leaving yourself more vunerable by not filing. If you don't want to file for D, do you have LSAs (legal separation agreeements) in your state?

Also, you really do need to expose his affair to everyone. family, friends, pastor, his job, anyone that has any influence over OW, like parents, siblings, HER job, etc. This is almost certain death to an affair. Yes, he will be angry. Yes, he may lose his job, but not because you exposed, but because of his choice to have an affair.

What's the worst thing that would happen if he lost his job? He would not be able to pay child support? Do you have family or friends that can help you out financially short-term? How about your church? Does your WH have a 401K? 1/2 of that is yours.

If you do not expose, you are just prolonging the affair. By filing for D or LSA, you are protecting yourself and your children. By exposing, you are killing the affair.

Seriously think on this.