WOOPS!

TST is logged in on my computer. That above post is from me, SMB.

Thanks SMB, for being honest. I really did want honest and even differing view points, as well as experiences on both sides - as you and others have now shared.

I read through your list, and can honestly say that is how I have been faithfully doing everything you mentioned (well, except maybe could be eating a bit better). and I felt like i was managaing, even though it was excruciating, etc. the most extreme side affects for me were following D-day, and I did not take any meds then when they were recommended, for the same reasons as you stated.

But the changes I'm seeing recently I find more scary. I don't think I have experienced clinical depression before, but I know that how I am feeling now is different than how I felt over this past year, I still have all the same grief and pain, etc. - but now some new additions, and the physical inability to move and get up is what is scaring me. I am doing it - I am choosing, etc. but every day now is getting harder and harder, despite all the things I continue to choose. the things that were at least helping some are no longer having any affect.

My doctor (who I trust very much - is very natural, delivered my son at home), has been telling me that sometimes after such prolonged stress and grief your serotonin levels can get so low that normal 'helps' just don't help raise it anymore. I am feeling like that might be where i'm at.

I am one who would normally push myself until the last possible second, but I am feeling like that is not wise in this case with such young children around - I feel like keeping myself competent for them has to be a priority - and what I'm seeing right now is a serious downhill kind of spiral.

P,

Pray and do what you feel you need to do.

I felt everything you are describing. I do understand. When I could barely move and had no energy, I knew that it had a lot to do with not eating enough. My blood sugar had to be at an all time low. Perhaps, it is the same with you. Perhaps, not.

I just offer another option. You have to decide for yourself and none of us here could ever judge you no matter what you decide.

{{{{{{{{P}}}}}}}}}}}

phoenix, is your doctor putting you on anti-d's? Will you also pick up a bottle of Omega-3 fish oil pills? This can help with depression. I am not at all surprised that you are experiencing severe depression because of the severe trauma that you have endured for the last year. That is why Dr. Harley recommends that women go into Plan B in a matter of weeks, not months. You have endured SO MUCH. Now that you aren't under constant assault and your diversion is somewhat removed, the wear is starting to show. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will try and catch up on your thread this afternoon. I have had my hands full with Christmas vacation and have a lot of catching up to do. SMB and the other folks here are giving you great advice!

Mel,

I am so happy to see you here on Phoenix's thread.



P,

Listen to Mel. She was with me EVERY SINGLE DAY for months. When I didn't want to believe what she told me, all I had to do was wait it out (not what I advise to you) and see that she was ALWAYS right.

Phoenix and SMB,


I did not use anything, not even aspirin. When I nearly committed suicide, I told WH that I needed some kind of drug so I could dull my pain when looking at him.

He got very concerned because he knows I seldom take anything stronger than vitamin supplements. (I needed HRT, too but didn't take it and now I'm post menopausal without it.)

SMB gives great options and I'm glad you/she posted them. If you find you can't cope, it may be one answer, but I'm with SMB, I'd try her ideas first.

Ace

SMB has a point, and all those things are good. But I think there comes a point where meds are needed. I never take ANYTHING - not for childbirth, no aspirin. But I knew that something was seriously wrong. I probably could have gone without meds, lost my job, neglected my family, and tried to fight the good fight, but for what?

My ex now says he was "depressed". I begged him pre affair to see a doc. I told him I was frightened that in his depression he would make poor choices. But he refused. Now he says he wished he had listened.

SMB, thanks so much for your kind words.

I will just tell you that I feel the way you do about anti-d's, but I have seen them work miracles in some lives around here when the situation was desperate. I am very worried about her. She has been through ****** for a long time and I am hoping and praying that she get the quickest help possible. I see them as a last resort.

Some things that helped me was throwing myself into HOME EXERCISE. i went to Borders and bought the toughest workout tape I could find and for that hour I was able to escape into my grueling exercise.

phoenix, are you able to get out with some friends without the boys?

Thanks guys. I am just under such a tidalwave of sadness right now, it's nice to feel the support.

Yes - I am getting out with friends (and sans kids). I have good friends -I think they help me do a good mix of talking/crying/laughing/distracting - as needed. I did NOT feel like going out last night, but did anyway and really had fun. I was the only single with all our couple friends, but I hardly thought about it I was having so much fun. Many of my friends kissed me on the cheek first at midnight before even kissing their husbands. Good friends.

And exercise has been good for me too. For sure. But all of these things that I've been doing and have been faithful to continue all year are just not helping anymore - not even barely pulling me to the surface for a breath. I really feel like something is physically changing in me. I have pressed through a lot this past year and don't believe I lack willpower/grace; but I'm afraid I may be now lacking the physical 'whatever' to keep getting back up.

***

On another note, I am just unbelievable sad right now. It is SO hard heading into a new year that most likely holds a divorce in store for me. How can I look at this in some positive light? I am just sitting here crying over my laptop.

A tradition we do that I usually love on NY is making a white and red paper chain. On the white strips we right things we're thankful for from the past year and on the red strips, things we're asking God for in the coming year. After hanging awhile, I take them down and collage them to save to read for the next year. I can't even bring myself to do it this year - to read all the dreams and hopes I had last year that are now crushed, to even ask God for anything with my kids now.. I feel like there's only one thing that I really want, even that they really want.. AND IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

I am such a puddle right now.

I am crying with you right now, P. There is so much of your story I relate to.

You have good friends. They sound a lot like mine. They stayed and did my son's birthday party when I was crashing in a huge way. For some reason, I had just gotten "hit" a few hours before the party (perhaps because FWH wasn't there with us to celebrate). I couldn't focus. I really couldn't even get out of the chair. I was close to collapse. As friends came to drop off their children. They just stayed and took over for me. They grilled the food, led the games, cut the cake. It was truly one of my very lowest days. I could barely walk, let alone pull off a party for my son.

Only you can decide when your low is too low. You make that call for yourself. I certainly do NOT judge you in anyway if you decide to use meds right now. I know your pain intimately...no judgement here.

I don't have any real advice for you tonight. Just wanted you to know you are not crying alone tonight. I am right here with you.

So many have walked in your shoes, and we all feel with you.

{{{{{{{{P & kids}}}}}}}}}

Clinical depression is an imbalance in brain chemicals. I've lived a long time and NEVER had to take anti-D's. But I'm glad I finally took them when I needed them.

There came a time where NOTHING made me feel better. My close friends tried to drag me out. I exercised, made myself go to work. But there was a big black cloud hanging over me. Things that used to make me happy, didn't anymore.

Now that she doesn't have the distraction of her H, she is feeling the FULL BRUNT of the trauma. {{{{[phoenix}}}}}}}}}

Are you planning on getting anti-d's from the doctor?

My doctor had already prescribed Prozac for me right after D-day (when I couldn't eat, sleep at all) - but like I said, I decided not to take them at that point. But yes, I do already have a prescription.

phoenix, do you realize that you are in a better position RIGHT NOW to save your marriage than you were 3 months ago? 3 months ago, your H had no motivation to stop his affair and you were being dragged down further towards a nervous breakdown DAILY.

YOU HAVE PUT A STOP TO ALL THAT. I believe very much that God is on your side, phoenix, and he is carrying you out of this he11. YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT. He is not going to let you SINK. As long as you are not being assaulted daily by your H's affair, there is HOPE.

i know you feel like you want to give up, but you can't. You have to get up and go through the motions even when you feel like just laying down. And you have to keep doing that until that feeling goes away. That feeling CANNOT be allowed to win.

This verse gave me so much hope when I was in despair, phoenix: Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

I think the book of Psalms would be helpful too, phoenix.

I hope you will start them. I can't even remember what I took - Prozac or Zoloft. When I took it at night, it made me unable to sleep. So my doc advised me to take it in the morning.

Thanks so much, believer - for sharing your experience with the meds. I am leaning toward taking them at this point.

And THANKYOU for the tears SMB and encouragemet Mel. Your words were a good visual for me of getting up and getting through. I do see how I am in a better place than the confused roller coaster from before; but it quite frankly does not feel like M is any more likely to be saved. I feel quite sure at this point that WH is just going to try and get the D over with. Is there a difference between having hope that M can still be saved (and real H return) vs. hope that I (and my kids) can somehow still have a great life? It is hard to separate.. If my M does not appear hopeful right now, how do I push forward into a new year that is hopeful just for me?

phoenix, I phrased that the wrong way. You are in a better position to come out of this in ONE PIECE than you were before. No matter what happens, you WILL make it. i know that it is hard TODAY, but in a few weeks you will start to feel better than you have since the affair started. You will be in a better position mentally to make decisions and will start to feel happiness again. You did not have that chance while you were exposed to him as you were.

This WILL get better, phoenix, and you will survive no matter what happens in your marriage. But for now, you have to find a way to GET UP and put one foot in front of the other no matter how hard. Like a ROBOT, even when you don't feel like it. BRING THE BODY AND THE MIND WILL FOLLOW.

I wrote this almost word for word, P. I felt completely sure in late September that my marriage was over...that there was no going back. But, you know where we are today. There IS always hope. And your Plan B will protect your love so that if you WS sheds his wayward skin, you'll still have some love left to begin to rebuild with. Keep working your plan. You are doing great. You are a great mom, and one day you will share this story with your boys and they will thank you for fighting so hard, for being their strong tower.



When I truly surrendered my husband to God, turned him over and prayed that God would have His way with him, I really began to see that I could one day have a happy life again. No, it wouldn't be the ideal one, where my children's mommy and daddy love each other and are married; but I knew that God would make all things work together for good....one day.

I had finally reached the point where I realized that I would be OK...no matter what. I also realized that my husband would not. If he continued down the path he had chosen, he would live a life of sorrow, guilt, and grief that he would never move past.

****** edit ******

Phoenix, it might be helpful to just put BA on ignore.