people should NOT ask a physician to prescribe medication. They should get evaluated by a clinician and allow the doctor (hopefully a psychiatrist in this case) to evaluate the patient and prescribe as indicated based on the patients symptoms.

I'm sure BA meant a psychiatrist, just as I did, and I agree with him. It doesn't numb you, it helps you make more clear decisions, and keeps many people from falling deeper into despair. But you HAVE to work hand in hand with a psychiatrist to monitor the meds.

BA didn't mean anything. He is plagiarizing Dr. Harley from the article What are Plan A and Plan B.

"Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis? "

Here is the link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Phoenix - just wanted to say that the photo of you and your boys on the MB photo thread is beautiful.

awww - tucktummy, i just saw your post - you're too kind!!! :-)

I wanted to take a minute to give an update. Overall, I'm not doing much better - BUT, I did get some time to myself today while WH had the boys, and that has helped just a bit to regroup.

I decided to start taking the meds (and fish pills, thanks ML!). I appreciate all the feedback here, it was helpful in my prayerful thoughts and decision-making. In the end, this is kind of where I landed: I have walked this very painful road for a year now without medical help, but a physical change is clearly taking place in me - and I think it seems to be warranting a physical solution (besides what I've already been doing, which is no longer affective).

If it does any good at all, I will be thankful. I am ready for some reinforcements. And I also feel that the weaker I am getting, the more likely I might be to do something I really shouldn't, that I would regret later. The meds on the other hand, I don't feel 'wrong' about trying, so if they can help and possibly keep me from poor choices, or poor mothering! - than I will be glad for it.

On the other hand, I will be keeping close tabs on myself - as will my doctor, counselor, and psychologist-friend. If I don't like what it's doing, I will stop!! There seems no harm to me in trying at this point.

I'm not explaining my reasons to get into a discussion with anyone, but just for those who were interested, or some that seemed to be considering it themselves. For that same reason I will keep updating how I think it's working, even though I know it is different for everyone (and with different meds). Again, thanks for the suggestions and thoughts! I'll keep you posted.

* * *

On another note, one thing I did this week to 'celebrate' the New Year was to finally make my gyn. appt to get the dreaded STD test. Have been seriously not looking forward to that, but wanted to encourage anyone else out there who might be in the same shoes to do it as well, start the NY with an appt. that will help keep you healthy.

* * *

All had been pretty quiet with WH these days. He seems, resigned. I got in some good quiet, quality time with the boys this week which was good - the holidays just got too hectic for me, I think. They really are such amazing boys. I miss having someone to laugh in the evening with about the silly things they say and do, someone to share those moments with. It boggles my mind that WH is missing all this, by choice. Our youngest son couldn't even walk when H moved out for the separation, and now he can say almost any word and is running all over the place!

Thanks for the update, phoenix; I was very worried for awhile, but you do sound much better today. Glad you got in for STD testing, too.

Phoenix, prayers for you that you can get some quick relief in this area. Sometimes you have to try more than one if the first AD doesn't help. So, don't be discouraged if it takes a couple of attempts to find the best one for you.

Glad to hear you are going to try the meds. Usually they work. Some may make you feel strange, but that goes away in a couple of weeks. Also some have warnings that they may increase thoughts of suicide in young adults. Be sure to see your doc if THAT comes up.

But chances are excellent that you will start feeling better able to cope soon.

((((Phoenix))))

You are doing what you need to do to make yourself well. I am glad you asked for advice, carefully weighted your options, and choose a path that sets well with you. Remember, only YOU are in charge of your destiny. And if you need a little help along the way, it will only make you stronger in the end.

Keep us updated on your progress and I'll keep you in my prayers....


Not2fun

So WH contacted my lawyer, basically saying he gave me a grace period and now wants visitation in the house again, every Thursday night and every other Saturday. I really DON'T want this, and talked to my lawyer who showed me the email he's going to send in response, but it basically says 'No, but we can revisit the issue in another 30 days.' and I don't even know if WH will take no for an answer this time.

So my lawyer is asking me how hard do I want to fight for this - if it pushes WH to take it to court and costs a lot more money it will come out of what I am going to get in the end. And doesn't want the judge to think we are unreasonable I think my lawyer feels that if he can keep things civil it benefits me in the long run. I wanted to see what everyone thinks about this before it unfolds - is this a really important thing for me to fight for? Or if push comes to shove should I just deal with him being in the house that amount?

Why does he have to do visitation in the house? There are millions of fathers who manage just fine outside the home. I think it's just a power play so he can keep tabs on what's going in your home. You have the right to some peace.

I think mostly it's just easier for him. Most of the days he was with them they would watch a video or play video games, now he's actually had to take them 'out and about'. ARE there a lot of dad's who do this? It's hard for me to see if I'm being unreasonable..?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Why is he having to do this in the first place? Because of HIS choices, not yours. Why should it be EASY on him?

I guess the flip side of that coin is at least you know he won't be introducing your children to anyone if he's doing the visitation in your home.

phoenix, this is something I would most definitely fight for, because the purpose of Plan B is to protect your mental health. FOR YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. You should not make this EASY for your husband, and that is what he wants.

What is happening here is that your H DOES NOT LIKE PLAN B and wants you to RELENT. Your Plan B is making him very uncomfortable so he will do everything in his power to get you to back down from it. THIS IS TYPICAL. It is typical for them to try to get in the house so they don't have the suffer the disconnection of their home. They want a FIX so they stay out and continue the affair longer. If he can get that, then he won't miss you and your home so much. He wants you to RELIEVE HIS PAIN. If he can get some relief, he can stay out there longer.

He does not like the consequences of his bad choices and wants you to sacrifice, RATHER THAN HIM, to accommodate his bad choices. That will not benefit him and it will most certainly not benefit YOU.

Plan B is to give the wayward spouse a glimpse of what life will be like as a DIVORCEE. If he is allowed to take his visitation in your home, he will never see that.

DO NOT PROTECT HIM FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS BAD CHOICES. That will NOT benefit your children!

If you give your H a little inch on this, prepare to give him a MILE when he finds out you can be manuevered into breaking your silence.

A few quotes from Dr. Harley about Plan B:


This is to a woman whose H was threatening COURT ACTION if she did not speak to him - he dropped it once she refused to speak to him:

Yes. What ML said!

EXACTLY! He does not want to have to face the consequences of his bad choices, so he wants you to make it EASY for him to destroy his family.

I would have the attorney tell him that he can visit ALL he wants in the home if he complies with your wishes in your letter. He can MOVE BACK IN! He knows what he has to do to get back in, HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT!

He wants you to make it easy for him, so he can continue to have his cake and eat it too.

phoenix, the message needs to be sent LOUD AND CLEAR to your H that reentrance is only contingent upon his COMPLIANCE with your letter. REENTRY is not up to *YOU* but to *HIM*.

He has the power in his hands to come back. All he has to do is:

1. end his affair and end contact for life

2. commit to repairing the damage done in your marriage

THAT is the ticket back. You laid this all out in your letter to him.

If he is still involved with the OW, get evidence to her that your WH is demanding the visitation take place in your home. The OW will NOT like that and will 'help' you assert a boundary by love-busting your husband into NOT being in your home! It could reap a double benefit for you: protecting your boundary and Plan B while allowing WH to see OW at her controlling, nagging worst.

Most likely your WH has been telling the OW that you are trying to prevent him from seeing his kids; he may even be pretending that YOU are the one trying to use the kids in order to keep in contact with him.

If you can inform the OW of what your WH is trying to do she will most pretend she doesn't believe you. But if you can provide proof she will put pressure on your WH to stop trying to cross your boundaries.

Also, it is very important that you appear cooperative by providing, in writing, several different visitation arrangements for your WH to choose from. Of course all of the offers will exclude him getting to be in your pesence/home, or the children being in the OW's presence/home (if the state you are in has that sort of protection for the chidlren). You can counter the false accusation that you are somehow trying to hamper his visitation by documenting that you have offered several option.

I gave my WH several different mutual friends homes to choose from for visitation exchange. I even offered to drive all the way to WH's town and to drop the kids off at a mutually agreed upon home of a coworker, or even at WH's place (my kids were older so I could have had them just hop out of the car and quickly drive away without having to even talk to WH - no having to get them out of the carseat involved).

If you can clearly show that you are willing to set up several different options but that your WH insists on coming to your home as the ONLY visitation plan he will agree to, then he will end up being the one looking non-cooperative instead of you.

Great suggestions Mere.

I don't recommend contacting the OW. That is NOT part of PLAN B...TOTAL DARKNESS...unless he complies with the PLAN B conditions.


THE ART OF WAR: Do not let the ENEMY know about your tactics. She will use any contact with you in an attempt to HARM you.

I see Mere's point but those are alot of ASSUMPTIONS about the OW which could prove to be false. Phoenix is only in control of herself.


This is between YOU and your WH.