TMTS just checking to see how things are going with you.

I talked with JH last night and I got many pointers on how to control my reactions when we talk. My main issue was that I would get an idea in my head that sounded like something that could help and blurt it out as a DJ. I also learned to concentrate more on avoid LBs over meeting needs. I was trying to but as much effort into both and it's just not sustainable. We created three study sheets. 1 Why, as in why am I doing this. 2 - LBs - Thing to avoid.
3 - Needs - Work on the needs the OM can't meet.
The last part of our discussion revolved around focus, and being sensitive to the triggers in myself that would cause me to loose focus.

Thanks for checking in.

Now that you have a battle plan, all you have to do is execute it...See how easy that is?

OK. I am just kidding...


Glad you got the straight dope directly from the best...

Hang in there!

Mark

TMTS,

How are things going this afternoon?

Anything new? Any new opportunities to deposit in her LB$?

Mark

wow! I jsut got to reading the begining of your thread. You had mentioned to me earlier that we were in similar situations. Boy, you weren'e kidding! My WH thinks the same way your WW does. Doesn't love anymore,done "trying", already put all effort into the M, not going to risk "trying" again.
See, I did not try for 2 years. I mean I kinda did but did not have the proper tools or guidance to continue it. I would "try" for about a week or so then say screw it! or simply just forget what my goal was. Now my WH is gunshy and will not allow himself to be vulnurable enough to feel love for me again! now HE is done trying and I have to try to prove to him that I am in it for REAL this time! I just hope I can do it in enough time. before divorce papers.

Mark your suggestion yesterday was just what I needed. Today has gone perfectly, no dictions about relationship, no DJs, no AOs. I even ask her to sort what she wanted in the laundry... "I would really appreciate if you could get your work clothes ready for the laundry" as I was rubbing her back. You would have been proud. Don't worry; she's going to bed now so I have no time to mess it up. LOL
Not that I would... I feel like Bret Farvre right now, I've got my play book, and I"M calling the plays.

No Expectations... and has JH says when you feel that your going to react, ask yourself WHY your doing all of this. (I've got a page full, so that keeps me on-line).

Right on, right on, right on...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mark

^5 TMTS. Remember Work the PLAN! When you get discouraged,need to vent or whatever post here..DO NOT LOSE SITE OF YOUR GOAL.

Keep the faith!

The plan is in full swing my friends. The part I really did get is that they won’t react to meeting their EM's so look for your spots. So I take every opportunity to fill that bank. Like JH says, leave her in conflict...make her keep asking herself if she's doing the right thing. IF I keep doing LBs than I become the monster which helps her justify that she did in fact do the right thing by leaving. The important part is avoiding LBs at all cost. As soon as I even start thinking negative, I go through my Why's list in my head, review the LBs, and concentrate on filling a need. I think she's kind of freaked out with the turn around in a day, I feel much core confident about myself and what I'm doing. (JH suggest I write her a letter, so she doesn’t think I've flipped my lid).

Don't get me wrong it still hurts and I need to re-focus at times, but now I separate myself and refocus instead of saying something stupid first.

My biggest supporter is my neighbor who cannot understand what my WW is doing. She explained to her that the single life is not all it's cracked up to be, she spends half her time crying and is on 3 types of AD to help her cope...but of course the fog blocks that info out. I'm babysitting her little boy today and when she dropped him off last night she insisted on leaving me money. I didn't want to take but she insisted. In the middle of this conversation my WW says to her "I'll take the money" my friend snaps back "you're on your own girl" and laughs. It was classic because I just stood by and didn't come to her rescue.

JH mentioned to start getting ready for Plan B and to implement it as soon as she moves out. MY neighbors/friends are more than happy to be my contact point. My next door neighbor will be right blunt with her if she calls for something stupid, so I'm hopping that this will be her wake up call. In the meantime I Plan A my a$$ off!

TMTS,

It might not be too soon for a warning...

Be VERY careful not to share too much emotional baggage with the neighbor or any other woman going forward. Keep any conversations to business at hand and stay away from sharing how you feel. Just trust me on this, if you don't begin setting this boundary now, you will look back a year or two from now and wonder why you didn't pay attention.

Female friends need to be kept at arms length. Don't justify or try to explain how it can't/won't/couldn't happen. Just stay on guard. It can and does happen way too often. Remember the phrase "Just friends?" Ever heard that before?


Mark

Thanks for the reminder, I am very aware of the potential of getting too close especially right now. I'll keep my guard up.
Thanks

TMTS you are doing great! You've catching on very quickly.

Keep the goal forefront in your mind.

She was quite rattled yesterday after talking to her mother. She spent some time at the neighbors and I could tell that something was bothering her this morning. Finally she asked me if I had told my Mother the whole story (About me drug abuse and becoming emotionally detached). I told I had not and offered to call her when she got back from work, and tell her what as been going on for the last few years. I asked her if she thought it would make a difference, and she couldn't answer. Then she really got upset about her conversation with her Mother and said “My Mother is being my mother (Reference to being old fashioned) and she cares more about you than me". Then she dropped a shocker on me and said that she does want to take to my Father (FWS) to get his perspective.
My other DD (DD's best friend who is closer to us than her own family) is convinced from what she heard that my WW is starting to rethink things and wants to make sure that things won’t be awkward with my family at Christmas time. I'm not convinced yet because I don't think she has hit rock bottom, but I can sense that she is definitely conflicted and confused. Plan A is in full swing and is going allot better. The one hour live with JH really made what you guys were trying to say sink in.

Remember the goal, no expectations and when you’re about to react to something with a LB, take a breath and remind yourself of why you’re doing this.

I love when the light bulb comes on... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mark

yeah me to Mark! ^5 TMTS

I'm in full Plan a mode now boys... I talked to my parents last night about my past drug abuse and the "reasons" for her becoming a WW. You guys would have been proud; I was in control smooth and mater of fact. She broke down about 10 mins into it. At the end I asked to talk to my Father alone and told him that my WW wanted to talk to him about his experiences.
I had a long chat with my Father today, and discussed (For the first time) about his experience leading up to and after he became a WS. It was very enlighting! He had never heard of MB and what he described was exactly what is described on many of these pages. He described hoe it didn't matter what he was told, he had "brainwashed" himself into believing that there was something better out there for him. He said that it hit him three days after he left, and that the depression was worse than any feeling he had before. This talk was long overdue and very therapeutic!

TMTS ^5!

She set up to talk to my Father tomorrow, but this morning was talking about postponing it because she had Christmas shopping planned. She was a completely different person than the one I saw on the weekend. Confident and sure of herself, I see that she is going through her own roller coaster ride of emotions. She is very much concerned that my Father will talk to her with the intention of changing her mind. I told her that it would surprise me if he came at it with that approach because he's been there, and those that tried to talk him out of doing it got nowhere. She agreed that she still wanted to talk to him, but I am afraid that when the time comes and she hears the ugly side of what it like to leave your family to be on your own, it will not register... for now. So I don't know what she will do.

Yesterdays talk with my Father made me realize something too... I'm gaining my strength from my Mother, but I'm gathering hope from my Father.

She has really got the bug to leave! Everything everybody tells her seems to get justified in her mind that she will be able to handle it. Mind you she thinks that we will be having friendly contact once this happens as well so Plan B may be a huge shock to her. I still hold on to a small twinge of hope that my Fathers story will help to clear some of the fog.

TMTS dday is still relatively current for you, she may still be in the fog.

Just keep on Plan A'ing the best plan A you can.