Oh, she is definitely still in the fog. I'm doing allot better with Plan A. I even managed to get some affection in by stroking her hair last night, got some good non relationship conversation and absolutely no LBs.

Also I'm getting the sense that the OM may have fluffed her off (Something about his Father being sick, and she hasn’t heard from him in over two weeks) and may now be in a withdrawal stage, but now I think her "other" issues (or pride) is keeping her from wanting to change her mind. The other issue being that she felt like she missed out on something because we starting dating when we teens (Had asked if we could have an open relationship) and that she started loosing her feelings for me before she met the OM. would this be considered babble? I don’t know that I would even consider taker her back if she decides to go and sample what’s out there….basically go get her jollies than when she’s board come back….but I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Plan A continues at full speed, with the anticipation that she is leaving so I want her to have as many good final memories of me and home as possible. My hope is that she does talk to my Father and that the fog clears up long enough for her to see the light of reality.

I am in a very down mood today. After she spoke with my Father then told me that he better not be coming to talk to her in the hopes that she will change her mind, because it wouldn't change the way she feels inside, I was completely dejected by that. I held off on and LBs but the disappointment could be seen in my eyes. I will talk to my F today and hopefully get a moral lift. I know that this can be a long journey; I just wish it wouldn't hurt so much.

TMTS,

Sorry you are having a downer day. This is a real roller coaster ride. The highs can seem so high, but the lows will scare you half to death.

Try to spend as much time as possible just being there for her, showing her by your actions how much you care and what life with you can be like if she stays or returns to you.

Spend very little time trying to solve the problems because if she stays or even if she goes, it will not be the hard discussions of about what she did wrong that will draw her back when the fog finally clears. You need to be a light house that she can catch glimpses of through the fog and avoid trying to get her to change directions. She has to determine her own direction, but if you are there as a safe haven, she will be drawn to you more and more as time goes on.

Unfortunately, there are no magic bullets. There is nothing you or anyone else can tell her that will suddenly make her change her mind, so don't bother trying to persuade her. Just be the best husband you can possibly be and show it to her constantly by your actions rather than words.

I recently watched one of those mixed martial arts fights on TV. There was a guy who during the first round spent most of his time on his back getting pummeled by his opponent. At the end of the round, to everyone's amazement, he literally jumped to his feet despite being hammered for the entire round. The second round he got taken down about ten times, and each time his demise seemed imminent, but he made the call for the third round and about halfway through the round somehow found an opening and landed a right hook that sent his opponent reeling. He followed it up with combinations, stunned the other fighter and finally got him to the mat. He got a short arm bar on the guy and began kicking him repeatedly as he held him just in the right position to have the most effect. Finally, the other guy's shoulder separated and he had to tap out.

What looked like a short fight that would end in defeat turned into victory. He won by ignoring his own pain and the fact that he was way behind on points and simply surviving until he got a chance to do what he was best at. When the time came, he was ready and he did what had to be done in order to win.

Your goal right now needs to be to survive the things she throws at you and let them bounce off until you get the chance to get an opening for recovery. You can't make her stop hurting you with her words or actions and can't make her change her mind about how she feels by words of your own. Reason will not win this fight, only actions. You can only control you and can do nothing to control her. Don't bother trying; it will give you a heart attack if you let it.

Even when you are down, as long as you are surviving, you have a chance to win.

Mark

Thanks Mark I needed that inspirational note.

I'm doing allot better avoiding LBs and meeting emotional needs, and I do much better at reacting outwardly when something that I think might work pops into my head.

There is still a long way to go....

I talked with my SIL and feel a little better. I will call my brother tonight, because in talking with my I found out that they went through a similar thing a few years ago.

Mark, you were wrong! The light bulb had not come on yet, they had just flipped the switch, the light bulb came on today. It finally hit me that I am not doing any of this for her, it's all for me.

Thanks for your help.

Newbie switched thread. Plan A mistake

I think people are looking for this thread.

bumping for Opt....