I am at Day 30 of the 60-day statutory cooling-off period after filing of the divorce petition. I am having second thoughts about divorcing, but see no feasible way to save the marriage. Would appreciate advice from wiser folks.

I am 36, my wife is 28, we've been married 4.5 years, no kids.

In January 2007, my wife moved across the country for a professional opportunity in New York City. I was very much against it, but gave in. The deal we made was that we would find a way to rejoin within a year.

Because of the industry I am in, I had a terrible time finding a job in NYC. I was very upfront with my wife about my lack of progress from Jan to July. The marriage relationship was obviously stressed, but I did make an effort to visit as often as I could, and also paid for her travel to come visit me. We ended up spending 4 to 5 days a month together.

In August, I told my wife I gave up on remote job search and was moving to NYC without having secured a job. My wife told me she could not bear disrupting my well-established career by making me move. She also stated she could not support us both while I was looking for a job and could not give me what I wanted in a marriage (children & well-kept home). She felt we'd already spent too much time apart, and my desire to be with her was "too little, too late", and that she was giving up on the marriage.

I was quite shocked, to say the least. We had our share of challenges in the years we spent together, but I was not prepared for this.

At the same time, a good friend in NYC told me her husband of 15 years asked for a divorce, and moved out. My wife and I were very close friends with this couple, and something smelled fishy about the timing of their troubles. I hired a PI and he quickly discovered my wife having an affair with my friend's husband in September 07. I met with my wife in October, she told me she was very much in love with the guy, has plans for a long-term relationship with him, and that an amicable divorce was the best solution for us. A typical "let's be friends" pitch. I filed for divorce on Halloween.

Now, I am having second thoughts about this divorce. I was very angry about what she did, and filed quickly, without putting up a fight. However, I am having trouble seeing how Harley's principles can even be put in action in this case.

My wife and her lover are about to move in together. He's a 42-year old guy and is obviously motivated to keep his 28-year old new woman happy. I am 2,000 miles away from her location. I have no job waiting for me in NYC, and my financial resources are too limited to just pull up and move there. I don't see how I can compete and win.

I feel quite confused right now, a part of me wants to salvage my marriage, and another part tells me I need to cut my losses. I would appreciate any advice at this point.

Does OM have children???

Does your friend want to reconcile with OM?

Have you exposed this to everybody...family and friends?


Can you delay proceedings in your state?

In fact...in some states the petitioner can, even at the last moment, withdraw their petition for divorce thus requiring the other party to have to file for divorce themselves and begin the process anew. Sometimes the respondent (i.e. - your wife) can avoid it by filing a counter-claim for divorce with run congruent with your claim. Ask your attorney.

Affairs end. By using Harley's principles and doing the best Plan A you can (email, telephone) you MAY be able to create some conflict in the affair and eventually accelerate it's demise.

I'd also suggest renewing the job search in New York. You don't have to accept a job and move...but you never know what opportunities you stumble upon and the state of your marriage at that time. IF you presented to her that you HAD a job offer and could move just when the going was getting really tough with loser OM...she MAY see your marriage as savable too. At least give it a chance.

Read up.

Welcome to marriage builders...It's slow on the weekend so have patience.

Mr. Wondering

1CG:

I see that you registered in 2004.

What else has been going on in your relationship?

Do you think the A started prior to WW moving to NYC?

Were you familiar with the concepts of Harley? Mainly, emotional needs, POJA, and PORH?

As for her reasons that YOU can't move to NYC, Take a leave of absence from your Employer. Move to NYC and move into your W's apt. Makes it kind of difficult for WW to move OM in, doesn't it?

And if your Employer is hesitant, than what is more important, your Job, or your W?

Because the fight is important too. And maybe you don't have much vacation time left with employer, but unless your employer is entirely heartless, if you explain that you need to go to NYC to save your M, then maybe, the employer might Hold your position for a month or so. It invariably cheaper for the employer to re-hire a trained and experienced employee, than hiring a NEW employer.

Something to think about.

LG

Lousygolfer & MrWondering, thanks for quick replies.

In 2004, my wife had a "summer fling" PA with a casual acquaintance; I found out about it very quickly.

I read Harley's books then and used the forum for recovery. We also used marital counseling. The affair was in another country, and she knew it would end very quickly. She was not interested in keeping contact with OM. At the time, she wanted to keep the marriage and work things out. She was 25 and I was 33.

Recovery took some work, but I thought it worked. We've had a couple of good years. Now I don't know what to think.

This time the affair is different. She says she wants out of marriage, and is willing to forgo 50/50 property split because she feels bad about the circumstances. OM is divorcing his wife and is similarly accommodating. The wife of OM knows, is deeply hurt by my wife's conduct (they were close friends), but has no desire to reconcile with her husband. They already split the property and will be divorced very soon.

All of this (serial adultery, her serious interest in a relationship with OM, OM divorcing, the fact we have no kids, the attractive property split offer) makes me consider my wife a poor risk in terms of any effort to recover the marriage. I love her still, but do not think I can make her love me when she loves somebody else.

As far as the OM, MrWondering, I do see the possibility that he could make a relationship with her work. They are similar in temperament, both do not want children, and he will bend over backwards (for a while, anyway) to keep bedding a much yonger woman. His kids are grown and independent. Re family exposure to A, my wife doesn't have close family, so this point of leverage simply isn't there.

Lousygolfer, thanks for practical ideas. She doesn't want me in her apt, and her lease is up at the end of the year. She will be at his place starting Jan 1. My employer could probably give me a leave of a month or so, but I do not believe my WW and OM will be at a breaking point so quickly.

As for Harley's principles, yes, I am familiar with them, and tried practicing them in my marriage. The POJA is tough with my wife, she agrees, and then does her own thing. That's why I am thinking cutting my losses may not be a bad idea.

Your followup advice is greatly appreciated.

"She says she wants out of marriage, and is willing to forgo 50/50 property split because she feels bad about the circumstances."

You might want to JUMP on that one before she changes her mind. My ex said the same thing, but later changed his story. In some states you can just have an attorney right up the property settlement only for about $300.

It sounds like your wife solves her problems by having affairs. She will need to do some serious thinking about it. This affair won't last, but what about the next time?

1coolguy - if you want to try to save your marriage (no guarantees of course), then you have to stop the divorce procedings and drag things out as long as you can.

The "odds" are not good since you are living apart and I would not recommend you giving up your job to move to NY for a "chance."

If you think (though you may not like it) that a repeat cheater really isn't the sort of person you want or deserve as a wife, then get all you can to protect yourself financially and let her go.

Not easy either way, but we'll try to give you a place to talk and some support along the way.

God bless.

Believer, thanks for writing. We are going the uncontested D route, the petition says community property is already divided to our satisfaction. Once D is final, she would have to challenge the divorce if she changes her mind.

Make sure that it's divided according to YOUR satisfaction, not hers. She can find her satisfaction in the OM who is himself an untrustworthy cheater and equally as selfish. As you said, they are "alike" in some respects.

Serial Cheater with a husband that knows about MB and tried to practice the principles.

Don't say this too often here but I think your thinking is correct...cut her loose. Get yourself the best possible settlement agreement but then delay the actually finalization as much as you can (at some point you have to sign off on the actual divorce order separate from signing the settlement agreeement). Drag your feet. In the meantime be wary of accumulating any savings other than cash just in case she gets frustrated and decides to play hardball on the property division.

I would also consider going Plan B to at least destroy any notion she may have of maintain you and the needs you do meet of her in her life at all. You don't need her friendship and your life will carry on much better without a friend like her. Maybe OM won't be able to meet all her needs and she'll miss you....eventually...time will tell, but at least you'll be withdrawing and moving on with YOUR life in the meantime.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering, thanks for reply.

I am not sure I follow your post. What would be the purpose of "dragging my feet"? Current schedule would see divorce finalized in Jan 08. It will be by default, as she did not respond to the petition (and said so). There are no joint accounts, and no joint property. She's not making a claim against my retirement accounts. She's keeping a bit of money I gave her last year to buy a piece of property, and that's OK with me. So, what are the pitfalls I am not seeing?

Well, you are here posting on a marriage building board. You need to decide if you want to save your marriage. Of course, you could always remarry when the affair ends.

But you sound like a nice guy. After 2 episodes of infidelity in 4 years, I would suggest you moving on. There are lots of good women out there who would be thrilled to meet a nice guy.

Thanks for advice, believer. I am having a problem excising the concept of being married to her from my psyche. I read somewhere that, for a positive outcome, the mind needs to frame the divorce as cutting out cancerous tumor that could kill me. Unfortunately, it feels like cutting off a hand or a foot.

Well, of course it does. She is your wife.

What does she mean that she can't give you a child and a tidy home?

She's not AT ALL domestically oriented. We've been discussing kids for a while, and she says she's not sure she'll ever want and/or have them.

And how did the two of you end up getting married? Please read the emotional needs articles here and figure out what yours are.

Later you might put a shout out for RIF. His wife had a couple of affairs (caused by distance, he is in the military), and they are very happy now.

OK. You said it would be by default. Is that an automatic rubber stamped default if she fails to respond or do YOU have to file a motion for a default judgment? If YOU have to file the motion to complete it you COULD choose to delay doing so for a bit and kind of manipulate a visit to your city by her for "closure".

I presume because you are here you'd like a chance at saving it. Affairs are unstable. Her statements about not wanting children is likely her attempt to just get over it and move on (while, likely remaining on good terms). She could be pregnant by OM in 6 months.

I'm not saying give this some huge effort. No kids and multiple affairs give a huge indication this woman is not right for you but it's not like you should run out and start dating others. You should begin the process of healing yourself NOW and give up but delay the court proceedings just in case WW comes sniffing back around and/or the affair crumbles in that time. THEN you could decide whether or not YOU want to give it try.

The longer you delay the longer that window of opportunity exists.

Mr. Wondering

Hi 1coolguy,

You're getting some great advice...

My situation was a bit different in that we had a new baby together. Looking back at that time, I believe that if we hadn't had our daughter, that I would have divorced Mrs. RIF.

If you want to try and rebuild your M, we're here to help you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Mr. Wondering and Believer --

Thanks for advice and encouragement. I truly appreciate it.

Dear RIF --

First of all, thank you for sharing your experience. I thought I was alone in trying to work things out after multiple As. Your post gives me some reference points.

From your post, I deduce that at least 2 factors played a part in your staying together: your new baby and strong religious faith. Am I correct? If so, was it the religious conviction on your part, or was it shared? Do you have a short synopsis (perhaps from older posts, etc.) of your recovery process and what specific strategies worked? Besides your child, what did you see in Mrs. RIF that allowed you to move forward? What were your respective ages at the time of marriage?

Your advice is much appreciated.

Hi 1CG,

Mrs. RIF and I grew up in the same home town. She had just turned 18 when we married and I was 24. We both grew up in the same church.

I struggled a bit with Mrs. RIF's actions because she sure wasn't brought up to "act like that" and she'd grown up in the church... I now realize that we all have free will and can choose to willfully disobey, and that's what she did.

Acey has a post that I'll bump up that has our "story"...

I was committed to Mrs. RIF because I took our vows seriously and because of our daughter. We now have three daughters and we will be celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary in 16 more days.

My best advice is for you guys to find a good MC to help guide you both as you work through these past issues... You CAN rebuild your M.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi 1CG,

Here's my "story"... I figured it would be easier for me to just past it here on your thread...

__________________________________________________________

Hey Acey!

The news reports always seem “worse” than they actually are. It is dangerous over here, but we take the proper precautions when we go outside the wire and don’t take any unnecessary chances. I’m here for a year, maybe longer… We’re 8.5 hours ahead of Eastern Standard Time.

I think I posted our ‘story’ a long time ago… but it would probably be easier to just re-write it than it would for me to try and find it… As for the number of T-Shirts… I’ve got 9… and they were all very painful. Thankfully, I don’t have to wear them around anymore.

*** RIF’s Story ***

Mrs. RIF and I married when she was 18 and I was 24 in December 1986. I left for my first army school in January 1987. Mrs. RIF had her first A in February 1987 while I was at my army school. I didn’t find out about this A until December 2000.

She had her second, third, fourth, and fifth A in 1988. I found out about the second A (… I thought it was the “first”). She had her sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth A in 1989. I suspected the ninth A but she denied it. I even confronted the OM and he denied it too. The ninth A was a long term A and didn’t end until the OM was kicked out of the Army in early 1990… so that ensured NC.

We never dealt with the second A. We never dealt with the suspected A. We both just acted like nothing happened. We eventually settled into a fairly “good” marriage, but I always felt that something wasn’t right between us. I did a pretty good job of boxing up all of my anger and pain and Mrs. RIF did a fair job of burying her guilt.

Fast forward to December 2000… Mrs. RIF’s guilt finally caught up with her and she confessed to all of the A’s. I was stunned, but actually was glad because I now knew why I’d always had a feeling that things weren’t “right” with our marriage. Mrs. RIF had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for a couple of days… she was also diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and started on meds.

I was committed to rebuilding our M because by this time, we now had three daughters and I wanted to do whatever I could to fight for our family. We started counseling with a pastor from our church, and then started MC through our church January 2001.

MC was great and we both learned new ways to communicate with each other. We were in MC for about 8 months then I received deployment orders for a 6 month tour in Kosovo in Sep 2001… so we put everything on hold. I found MB right after I got home in May of 2002. We resumed MC for a couple more months.

I was starting to get frustrated because it seemed like we weren’t getting very far in rebuilding our M… I kept doing things with the expectation that Mrs. RIF would respond exactly the way that I wanted and that she would immediately change…

Our MC and reading here on MB helped me finally realize that I had to create a “safe” place for Mrs. RIF before she would start opening up to me. I also learned that I had to love her unconditionally and not do things with the expectation of her changing to suit my desires…

It took me almost a year to finally get to a point where Mrs. RIF trusted my actions enough to start opening up to me… then our rebuilding really took off. Mrs. RIF started responding… she started to do things that I always wanted her to do… she was finally my ‘partner’ in the rebuilding process…

Then I got deployment orders in November 2003 for a one year deployment to Afghanistan starting in February 2004… I was deployed from Feb 2004 until May 2005. That’s when I really started posting on MB.

I’m on my second tour in Afghanistan and Mrs. RIF and I are doing great. I trust her completely and we’ve worked through ALL of our past issues. We’ve both learned what we need to do in order to protect our M and we work on our M every day… even though we’re separated by 7,000 miles (Thank goodness for the Internet!!!! ).

It hasn’t been easy and it sure hasn’t been quick… but it CAN be done. Mrs. RIF and I will celebrate our 21st anniversary this coming December. I hope that our “story” will at least give someone some hope if they find themselves dealing with adultery in their marriage.

Semper Fi,

RIF