You had 2 pages of responses telling you NOT to tell your H you were moving back home. The pages before that were telling you to MOVE BACK HOME. You haven't moved back home, but you told your H you were going to. Now he's being mean to you?! No kidding? You're getting ready to complicate his A if you move home, poor fella. [/sarcasm] How dare you, his W, live in your own house and screw up his infidelity! You should feel terrible. . [/end sarcasm]

You need to consider your H to be an alien and stop thinking he is going to just snap out of this. Stop reacting like a hysterical mess and start ACTING to save your marriage. Read the material here, buy the books suggested and read them. READ THEM AT HOME, IN YOUR OWN BED! Let your H do what he will, start being a good wife, stop crying every time he says something mean and smile at him, tell him you love him and hope you can reach a point where you two can be happy together but that place does not include you living elsewhere or him ****** someone else.

He's pushing your buttons as a defense mechanism. He knows when you're an emotional wreck he can do what he wants. STOP REACTING. Its time to take charge of YOU, and do the things that will help.

We know this is hard, we also know that the things you want to do are not the things you should do. When you accept that nothing you are doing is working, and are willing to trust that perhaps someone else has the knowledge and experience to help you, then you will begin to feel the power of this place and your situation will change.

Saying that he was gonna wait til the New Year, but not now, was a by the book WS battlecry...Ignore it...You act, you do not react...

Listen to your attorney...

Mrs. W

Tyk-
The only reason I decided totell him I was moving back home is because my therapist recommended it. I try to do what he recommends on certain things cuz of his education. I realize his education does not include what all of you have seen to work. I apologize for not being more responsive to the suggestions here.
I react like a hystarical mess because I AM a hysterical mess. I feel like I am loosing everything that matters anymore. I can't afford the books yet cuz I don't have work till Jan.2. I will as soon as I get my first paycheck!
I guess I don't even know how to ACT llike I am saving my marriage when I am told I can't by my WH. I was doing a good job at plan A but got caught uup in emotions. Now I feel like I have messed it up for good. I hate drama but I feel like I DO deserve all of this sometimes cuz I was the one watching our daughter and I was the one who left the meds in my purse. What goes around comes around, right?
I know, i know...stop listening to him. I just don't know if I have it in me.
I appreciate your bluntness and honesty. I need you to know that. Even tho it hurts,I DO GREATLY appreciate it.

really? Just days? How did you two turn things around? Was he mean to you too? How did you get thru it? What was the deciding factor to stop the D? I am happy to know there is still hope but i feel like I ROYALLY messed up today and that there is no turning back.

I agree, Tyk.

Mis,

My heart breaks for you. I read your post early on and saw you getting vets helping you out. I certainly cannot lead you any better than those who already are.

I am here to encourage you to do WHATEVER the VETS tell you to. It will FEEL like the wrong thing. But as you DO what they instruct you to, you will begin to see that what they predict also happens. For example, you do "xyz", he says "wayward spouse babble". You will begin to take charge of your life and your situation.

There were many times I did NOT want to do what I was told to do. But I did. And they were always right on.

First and foremost. Go home, right this minute if you can.

Secondly, do NOT warn your WS about ANYTHING in your plan. Your plan is to destroy WS so that your REAL HUSBAND can resurface. WS is the enemy. He is NOT your husband.

Find strength within you to fight for your marriage. The more you follow the plans laid out here, the stronger you will become...no matter what WS does. You need the plans because your emotions are going to jerk you all over the place. This way, you can go back to the "plan". Right now you are in Plan GO HOME. Then you will be in Plan A, which will be tough. You Plan A REGARDLESS of what WS says or does. He will bulk at your efforts. He will push you away. He will be mean and nasty. Do it anyway. There is purpose in Plan A, and it ain't to make him happy. It is to demonstrate that you are willing and able to meet his needs, so that WHEN YOU PLAN B, he will remember your Plan A. Plan A's purpopse is also to improve yourself because it is good and right for you. Part 2 of Plan A...exposure.

Think about this. Your plans are to recover your marriage and prevent WS (aka alien) from destroying your marriage and your family. WS's plans are to destroy the man you married, your marriage and your family. So, why tell WS ANYTHING. He WILL use it to his advantage and AGAINST your and your purpose.

So for this moment, do what you have already been told to do:

1. PICK YOURSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR (I'VE BEEN THERE SOBBING, TOO)
2. SETTLE YOURSELF DOWN, YOUR SON NEEDS YOU
3. PUT ON SOME HEAVY DUTY ARMOUR SO FOG BABBLE CAN'T GET IN
3. GO HOME IMMEDIATELY
4. DON'T TELL WH ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR PLANS
5. IMPLEMENT PLAN A SELF-IMPROVEMENT
6. IMPLEMENT PLAN A EXPOSURE OF THE AFFAIR


And Mis, {{{{{{{{MIS}}}}}}}}} hugs to you

I am so sorry you are here, that your husband has hurt you so deeply, and that you have lost your child.

Yes days. I didn't know about MB when I was going through it and I was a MESS too. I did everything pretty much wrong. You can read my story by clicking the words "shoulda been the MB way" below. I wish I HAD found MB right at the beginning, I would have saved myself a TON of heartache. You are lucky! You DO have MB. Take advantage of the wealth of wisdom here. They will steer you in the right direction. There are others here who HAVE done it the MB way and thrived.

BTW... when it comes to counselors? Many of them do not have a clue about restoring a marriage. Only about how to "get you through the pain" of losing a marriage." Dr. Harley is a renown expert on the subject and a lot of the people that post on here have walked in your shoes.

Forget today and move on. I've seen worse. I've DONE worse! There is hope...

We know you are hurting, you won't find a more sympathetic crowd than this, truly. Most of us have been there, in one form or another.

The 2x4's are as more out of frustation on your behalf than frustation directed AT you, I hope you understand that distinction.

Realize what is in your power to do, and do it. Realize what is not in your power, and do your best to let it go. You've got alot on your plate, and no matter what you do you aren't going to see immediate results, so you just have to have faith in the plans here and work them. The very best thing about these plans is that even if they don't work regarding your marriage, they help get YOU into the right place to accept and deal with the aftermath, which you will have to do anyway, right?

So toughen up miss. You've had a rough time lately, a terrible time. But you are still a good person, a strong person. You know you have made mistakes, we all have. That does not, will NEVER excuse your H's infidelity. While there are many other issues you and your H have to deal with, ALL of them take a back seat now, because there is no way you will ever address any of those issues until the A is over. Got that? The A is enemy #1, everything else in terms of your H is pretty much irrelevant. So you start by attacking the A, and that starts by getting your butt back home, and beginning to prove to yourself, and to your H that you CAN pull yourself together, that you can be a strong woman capable of and deserving love and respect.

When my counselor suggested something that was not what I was hearing here, I did what I heard here. I am so glad I did. Now FWH and I counsel with the Harley's.


Then read, read, read, all the articles here on this website. It covers A LOT from the books.



Sweetie, none of us knew how to ACT like it. But we learned here, from those who have gone before us. These are the experts. They've been-there-done-that...and survived to tell about it... and many who are in recovery or have recovered. We all started right where you are...feeling helpless, hopeless, and not knowing if we could make it through the next hour let alone the entire day. But we made it, and so will you.

This shock you are living takes time to get through. But you will move past this gut-wrenching agony. There are brighter days, but you have to travel through the dark days to get there.

You feel like you messed it up for good because you are allowing WS's babble to dictate how you feel about what you are doing.

You have messed nothing up. As the vets told me repeatedly: keep to the plan, stay the course, focus on the plan. It doesn't matter how he responds.


Mis, I feel your pain. I really do. But this thinking will get you no where. This is why you must focus on your plan. Your emotions are yanking you to a place you don't need to go.

There isn't a mother (or father) on this board that hasn't had a moment when they could've ended up in your shoes.

Bad things happen to really good people. Suffering is part of our world. This isn't about what goes around, doesn't come around. It is life happening...and sometimes it is heartbreaking.

BUT: God heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.


You are dealing with two immense losses and so much grief I know you must feel that alone will kill you. But it will NOT. RISE UP. God will strengthen you. You can do this.

And Mis, just want you to know. I took a quick look at who is posting to you. Honey, you have a TON of VETS posting to you. Just off the top of my head I saw Believer and Melody, and I know I saw several more.

Listen to these people. Melody helped me tremendously. She often told me to do things I DID NOT WANT TO DO. But she was right...every...single...time.

There are so many "old timers" here on your thread. You don't realize it yet. But after you've been here awhile, you'll realize you have some of the best coming along side of you.

And yes, you certainly ARE allowed to vent. You certainly ARE allowed to fall apart here and cry out in desparation. I sure did.

You will get through this.

Thank you all so much for being here for me today. Even tho I seemed a bit crazy and felt sorry for myself. You all inspire me to be a strong woman again. Like the one I used to be. I have to get going for now but I will check in again this evening.
I don't want any of you to think I have not read or listened to any of your advice cuz I have and will continue. I know now that if I am having a really bad day again like today that you will all be here for me. I hope I will be able to return the favors soon.
You have all given me a bit of a lift. Enough for me to get out of the house and do something. Moving ahead is my ultimate goal. I will probably need alot of these swift kicks! I am in a very needy place in my life right now. So just a heads up!
Thanks again!

Luv YA all!!!
theresa

Geez, let me not forget Mrs. Wondering and Princessmeggy and lousygolfer and WhoMe and resilient.

I know there's even more, but I can't remember who else I saw.

This is an enormous amount of vets on your thread. You are very fortunate to have so many.

I just want you to know what good hands you are in. You are truly blessed to have so many here.

Trust them.

Yes...we will be here for you.

Missalot, forgive me if I'm barging in on your thread or if I say anything that hurts.

You mentioned the Christian radio station that your husband was listening to, and that has prompted me to see if any help can be offered to both you and your husband as believers.

But I can't tell from your posts if you and your husband are believers in Christ, so I thought I should ask you before offering any advice in that area.

I especially am interested right now in your husband's faith, because what he has been doing is definitely not acting as a believer and I know he wouldn't listen to biblically based advice unless he is a believer.

You have both suffered one of the most painful losses a husband and wife can suffer, and I grieve with you the loss of your precious daughter. Comfort can be taken in the knowledge that she is with the Lord this very moment, but the tremendous loss you both feel is also very real and very relevant.

God bless.

NEXT WEEK?? That is what you said LAST WEEK? What is up with that?? Now you are just toying with me.

Seriously, if you want advice from ppl then why not TAKE IT? miss, people aren't going to keep posting to you if you ignore our advice. THAT is why you aren't getting many responses.

GO HOME!!

Yep Mel, that's what I was subtly trying to say, but apparently I was just "incredibly rude".

It hurts me to watch new people come on the boards week after week begging for help and basically rejecting all advice that's given to them...or worse, doing the opposite of what's been advised. Yet, they keep coming back and keep coming back and can't figure out why THEIR plan didn't work...because they ignored the advice of the vets and chose to go their own way.

Maybe I need to take a break, because it's started to bother me more and more when I see this.

Despite what happenened recently, the above post is very positive and based on that alone, you should not give up hope.

If the opportunity is right, try to talk to him and try to get involved with him with his new found faith.

Well, I guess the Christian radio isn't taking.

Your husband is having an affair and will continue to try to maintain it. Pay no attention to what he says.

Miss... please be aware that "BestAdvisor" is more than likely a troll. He/She has posted under numerous names (different variations of BestAdvisor and others) and DOES NOT offer helpful advice but rather just tries to stir things up. I recommend putting this poster on ignore.

Hey guys, we all know how tough this stuff is, how counter-intuitive it is. We know how hard it is to break out of the victim role and start DOING for ourselves, because once we start to take action, we have to start taking responsibility too. So slap her gently, and if she doesn't respond likity-split, its ok, we'll try again another way, right?

I was a wreck for a long time missalot, my situation didn't start turning around until I found this site, and these folks here kicked my [censored] until I did what they told me. Once I did, in a very very short time my situation turned around completely.

The thing is, it will be very much harder for you to take additional recovery steps while you are out of your family home. That is why everyone is so insistent that you go back there. I don't know what you are waiting for, what you are doing. I mean, just pick up your stuff, throw it in the trunk and move it back into the house. Don't argue with your H about it, there's nothign to argue about. You're home because its YOUR home and its where you live. If he wants to change that tell him you'll get him an attorney's phone number. Nuff said. Don't let him set you off, don't let him make you break down and cry. Just look him in the face, tell him you want to save the marriage, you believe that it is possible but that that work cannot begin until he end his A.

And the Christian radio stuff. Discount it completely imo. I mean, its good that he knows he's doing something wrong, but that is all it means imo. My W suddenly started going to church when she was in the middle of her A. I started going with her which really made her mad. All it is is a symptom of guilt. Doesn't mean he won't get something from it, but its nothing for you to predicate a reaction on.

I'm not sure thats a good idea at the present, Tyk. I suspect it might take a little more than that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But we will see.