I just posted the following in the "Just Found Out" section:

I found out a month ago (Nov. 3, 2007) that my husband was having an affair. I was paying my cell phone bill and happened upon a phone number that he was calling repeatedly. Not knowing who it was, I called the number. My worst nightmare was confirmed when she called me back.

According to the OW, my husband told her that we were separated and that she had been seeing him since the middle of August. Their relationship was both physical and emotional. She said he told her that he loved her. I spoke to this woman for almost 4 hours on the phone. She is someone that he met while out with his friends. She knew EVERYTHING about me, including where I work, about my childhood, my friends and family etc. That same night, I called his parents and let them know what was going on. They were both shocked and seem to be supportive of me, especially my FIL.

As if finding this out wasn't bad enough, I am also pregnant. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for about 2 and a half years, going through multiple infertility treatments. We had a failed invitro cycle in March and decided to try again at the end of August. This time it worked and I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with twins.

When my husband found out that I knew about his affair, he didn't try to deny it. Both he and the OW said that they were going to break things off between them. Since I found out, my husband has been staying at a friend's house while I am at home. I haven't seen him since November 5th, but I've talked to him intermittenly on the phone.

He has told me that he needs space and time to think things through. I am scared to death that he is going to ask me for a divorce. Despite everything I love my husband and want to do anything that I can to save our marriage. I have been reading a lot on this site and have ordered the book SAA, but it hasn't arrived yet.

I am meeting him for lunch tomorrow and am unsure of the best way to act. I don't want to drive him away, but I want him to know that I would like to work on our marriage.

I would appreciate any advice you may be able to give. I have been reading a lot about Plan A/ Plan B. I would like to start using Plan A, but am unsure what to do considering I don't see him often because of our current living situation.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It was probably a mistake to have him move out, but that can't be helped.

Plan A is the starting point. Show him what a great wife you could be with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

Saying that he needs space and time to think about things means that he would prefer to continue seeing her.

You know, there must be something about infertility treatments - we've had several betrayed wives come here where the affair started right after they were trying to get pregnant.

By the way, CONGRATS on your twins!

Most husbands come back to the wife, but it will be hard in the meantime.

I'm surprised the OW didn't dump him when she figured out he was lying.

HstTeach, I am very sorry you are here. Unfortunately, his moving out will make this very difficult since you can't work on your marriage that way. I would strive to bring him home if possible. He needed that "time and space" to carry on his affair unimpeded, I am afraid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your response.

I didn't make him move out. After I found out he told me that he wasn't coming home and that he was going to stay at a friend's house. He swore to me that he wasn't going to see her.

When I talked to the OW, she told me that she was going to break things off with him because he lied to her. Not only did he lie about us being separated, but also lied about how I got pregnant. (He told her that it was a mistake, that he got drunk and slept with me).

I guess for Plan A when I meet him tomorrow, I just try to be casual in our conversation? Just talk about other things, the babies etc as opposed to what's going on between us?

Any suggestions about how I can get him to come home? I don't want to make things worse than they are.

HstTeach, what does he want? If he wants the marriage, he has to be home in order to work on it.

However, I strongly suspect the affair is not over. Likely the OW told him she would have nothing to do with him unless he left, so he left. His "swearing" to not see her means absolutely nothing coming from a liar. The only reason he would have moved out is to resume his affair unimpeded.

He's been telling me that he doesn't know what he wants. He says that with all of our marital issues (that I apparently was oblivious to) that he doesn't see how our marriage could work. On the other hand, he hasn't specifically mentioned divorce either.

This is wayward code speak for: want to move out to carry on my affair unimpeded.

"(He told her that it was a mistake, that he got drunk and slept with me)."

And now you believe that he isn't continuing the affair?

So let's say that he is continuing the affair.......what do I do in this situation? I am meeting him tomorrow, what do I say to him?

You stay calm and plaster a smile on your face, and be sweet and charming.

What is the reason for the meeting?

Since I am pregnant, I have a dr appt. next Wednesday, December 5th. He wants to come to the appointment. I told him that since it's been so long since we've seen each other, I'd like to see him before then so hopefully it'll be less awkward with the dr.

Can I say anything about him continuing to see the OW? What about wanting him to come home?

Or do I just pretend like everything is fine?

Well, you need to lure him back. I know, it's not fair, but that is the way it is. When having an affair they kind of lose their mind. Think of him as a heroin addict. That might make it easier.

You can be friendly, admiring, and listen to him. Don't plead, beg or cry. If he mentions the OW, you can let him know that you love him and it is very hurtful that he is having contact with her. But he will probably lie and say there is no contact. Don't confront him or get angry.

Tall order, huh?

HstTeach, don't pretend like everything is ok. Tell him how hurt you are that he is having an affair. I would also make plans to expose the affair on the OW's side of the family and to his parents again. Exposure is your most potent weapon.

I do talk to his parents on a fairly regular basis now. He is really close to his dad and has virtually cut off all contact with him. I think the reason why is because he knows his dad will get on his case.

I don't have any means to talk to the OW's family. I only know her first name and that she's a police officer in Southern California.

HstTeacher, I would find out everything you can about her. Her last name, marital status, parents info, etc. If you have her phone # you can get this info on the internet sometimes via www.intellius.com. If not there, some of our board members have used a PI out of W. Virginia to do backgrounds on people. He is very reliable and charges low prices. His name is Frank Music at: http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/

Your H is very likely still engaging in his affair and one thing that will help kill it is exposure. If you call up her parents and let them know this is a married man with a pregnant wife she is seeing, he may not be welcome there. That would put a huge damper on any future hopes of the affair.

Or it may turn out that she has had the sense to dump him. I would think that a cop who finds out a man is lying and has a pregnant wife at home (with twins, no less) would run the other way.

In that case he might be in withdrawal.

Either way, he will probably spew out all the usual rationalizations for his poor behavior - there were problems in the marriage, you liked Coke and he liked Pepsi, blah, blah, blah.

I doubt she really dumped him given that he moved out for "space' and cut off his family and loved ones. He moved out to have an affair, that much is clear.

Well, he may have moved out THINKING the affair was going to continue. OW DID talk to HstTeach for several hours. So she now has the whole story. One would HOPE that she has enough morals to dump him. But I guess we will find out tomorrow.