...well, there is the possibility that she may not, if she wants you to remain together and she thought that you'd leave her if she told you any more.



Never say never. I said the same thing after her first A, but here I am, trying to recover our M after even a worse experience than the first one.



Earning your trust back is something that SHE has to do. It's HER responsibility, not yours. Allow her to do it.

When my FWW had disclosed details of her previous A that I hadn't known before, I considered the same thing as well. Even went as far as getting contact information for several of the persons with the same name as the OM (unfortunately he had a very common first and last name - the list was quite long). Then my FWW mentioned something like it seemed like I was looking for a reason to leave her.

That comment got me thinking. Would I really leave if I turned up something else about her past? Or should my decision to stay or leave be based on what she was doing *now*?

At that point, I stopped my searching for more details about an A that happened over 20 years ago.

Yeah, I guess how would you ever know? The unfortunate thing is I used to have absolute trust in her, what she was telling met, etc, and now because of one stupid drunk mistake over 10 years ago, I no longer have full trust.



More power to you on that one, I am definately not in that situation. I have never been so depressed in my life, and this happened 10 years ago. There is no way I could go through this again, especially if it was more than a drunk mistake.


Good point!

Funny you say that, my wife said the EXACT same thing (Seemed like I was looking for a reason to leave). I don't think of it that way, I think of it as finding out the truth and bringing closure to it. Because it was so long ago and she can't (or doesn't want to) remember much, I feel like I need to know what happened and why to bring closure to it. If it really was 100% because she was drunk, I'd have a much easier time living with it probably. If it turns out she has been lying and sugarcoating the whole thing and they had marathon sex all night, I'm not sure I would still want to stay and work it out. If it turns out it was pre-meditated, I doubt I would want to stay. That's just too malicious of a thing for me to live with. I admire those of you that can get past something like that, but I know I would never feel the same way about her if that happened.[/quote]


I can understand that if you are willing to be with a person no matter what. I couldn't be with one that would repeatedly make me feel the way I have the last 10 weeks or so.....

You are accepting her story as the gospel truth then? Again, I caution against this. It's HER truth, HER version of events. It might not have been your version of events, if you were there to observe what was actually happening.

Based on my personal experience, WWs *will* rewrite history to focus the blame for their activities elsewhere, to broaden the blame, to minimize their choice to cheat. In the case of my FWW, the last time she talked about the first A, it was pretty clear that she was doing exactly that - leaving out details, changing things around, all to lessen the impact of her choices. When I indicated that her "story" of the A this time didn't match the story she told me so many years ago, she questioned my memory, even when I pulled out an old letter or two to bolster my version of events.

In your case, your WW is leading you to believe that it happened "because she was drunk". I would suggest that it happened because she allowed that situation to develop, and it started developing BEFORE she got drunk. I suspect that your gut is telling you this, and it's causing some conflict because it seems you *want* to believe your WW's story, yet you still want to find out more details about it. I know the *exact* feeling you're going though.

The question you really need to ask yourself before this drives you crazy is... does it make a difference now? Will you actually leave your W if you discover something else about her PA 10 years ago, or is your choice to stay with your W based on how she is now?



That feeling will pass, as long as your W continues to act in a way to rebuild your trust in her. Do not expect any overnight miracles though, and your W should not expect any either. It isn't called the Recovery Rollercoaster for nothing, you know...

Yup, same here.



I doubt that you'll feel the same way about her anyway. I still say give it time. You've been wounded, and wounds like this one take a long time to heal, and the rate at which it heals depends on what you and your W do now.



Don't get me wrong - there are very specific reasons why I stayed to try and work things out. On D-Day, I saw my WW as someone who was seriously in trouble and needed someone to turn to. I also didn't, and still don't, want my children growing up in a broken home. And I guess in some way I still care about my FWW, but it's not the same way I used to prior to her last A. I have decided to stay though, so I owe it to both my FWW and myself to do what I can to bring out the best in our M, and this is what I'm trying to do.

I need to feel the same about her, otherwise I fear we are doomed. I do think it will come with time. Believe it or not, there are a few times over the last couple of days, where I actually felt that yeah, it was no big deal. She was in college, I was hundreds of miles away, she was 22, she was drunk, and she made a really bad decision. These are actually the first times I have felt that way since I found out. I wonder if I would have been any stronger in a similar situation? I sure hope so.... but it really makes me wonder.



Having a family/kids definately would make a difference to me. We do not, so it would only be us that would have to get over it. I honestly believe it was a one time slip up in her case though (drunk, college, hadn't even seen me in months)... and I blame myself a little bit (not much, but a little). I should have made more efforts to go visit her a few more times in her final semester, but I knew she was busy with senior projects, and we were "almost there!" so I felt comfortable not visiting for a couple of months <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I appreciate your comments and I'm trying not to look at this blindly. I certainly hope my situation is different than yours. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

I have to say I'm a little surprised with the book that I typed up that I'm not getting a few more participants in the thread!

Best of luck to you as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.



The "Just Found Out" forum has less traffic than the "General Discussion" forum. OTOH, your thread stays visible for a lot longer. In any case, it's quality, not quantity, that counts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

So what you are saying is my replies sucked? lol.... ;-)

It sounds like you're at least open to forgiveness and closure at some point.

As for seeing her the same way as before... ummm, o.k.

I know, for ME, I'll never see him as I did before. That "mythical" person is gone. I grieve for the loss of that man every single day.

A PP said that it's your wife's responsibility to earn your trust back. That's true. But make sure that your heart is open to receiving it again. I've come to realize, for me, that it's too late. That door has closed and no matter what he does to try to earn it back, my heart just isn't open to it.

BTW- how did your counseling session go? If you don't mind talking about it, that is (I understand if you'd rather not). Hopefully it was helpful.

Good luck to you!!

No, actually I haven't accepted her story as gospel truth which is why I'm still asking questions. I think you may have misread my comment, I said I *used* to have absolute trust in her, and right now, that is not true. Having said that, knowing her personality then and now, the story she is telling me is actually quite believeable. Why I am having a hard time believing it, I'm not sure. On the other hand, the story has evolved a little since the first day she told me. She didn't intend to tell me, it just kinda came out, and I think she was speculating a lot more when I started asking questions because she hadn't thought about it in so long. Who knows.


True, I would absolutely like to believe that it was 100% because she was drunk. Do I believe it? I dunno....


I'd like to think I would stay no matter what I found out, but I can't 100% say that. If I found out there was no drinking involved (or an insignificant amount), it was pre-meditated, or it happened more than once? I'm not sure I could live with it. However, I have no way of knowing these things 100% other than what she is telling me, which is why I brought up contacting the guy.... It's just hard to know how you're going to feel. When she first told me, I had no idea it was going to bother me this bad.



I hope you are right... because it sure doesn't feel like it right now.

Yes, knowing the details I believe to be true now, it is what I want. However, how do I ever know they are true?


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know what you are saying, and that is depressing.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That is really depressing to think about. It makes me think she wasn't actually the person I fell in love with.


I'm sorry to hear that.


Ummm.... it was okay. Since this is the first time I went, I had a little over an hour session on my own first. W had seen her twice before. I was afraid that it would be akward and I wouldn't have much to say, but shortly after we sat down, I felt I needed to give her my version of the story. So I just started from the weekend my W told me and went from there. I talked for about an hour straight, we did discuss some things and my personality (I can be pretty obsessive about stuff, but I don't really feel this is a case of that!). I felt pretty decent after talking to her.

Then an hour later, W and I went back in together. W felt very akward, and later told me she wondered what the counselor and I were talking about in my private session, and if we were talking bad about her. Of course we weren't, I just gave my version of what happened.... but I could see how it might be akward.

Towards the end, the counselor asked if I felt I could ever feel the same way about W. (I lead her into that question with something I said, I'm sure), and I basically started crying. I think I said something like I dunno, but I want to.

Anyway, what came out of it is that I'm not supposed to obsess about it anymore. That doesn't mean I can't feel sad or mad anytime I want, but to limit the time that it is a #1 topic. I have been relentless (not intentionally) and I have been badgering W with the same questions over and over, basically from the time we get home from work until the time we go to bed. The counselor told me to limit it to a half hour or something every day, at a fixed time.

The problem is, the question I want answered most is "Why". Of course the answer is either "I don't know" or "I was drunk". To me, even if she was drunk, she should have still known how horribly wrong it was.

Hi HC, I saw your post on my thread and came to read.

I totally understand your concerns about what happened when you were engaged. It is an issue you're going to have to deal with. The pain will fade with time, I'm noticing that myself even now. Over the last few weeks I've actually had some nights where I just went to sleep without even thinking about it, much less dwelling on it. I'm a little over 3 mos past D-day, and I've still got a long way to go, so accept that the hurt is normal and part of the deal, and trust that it will fade. That's all you can do.

I think you should be much more concerned about what is happening in your M NOW!

I just find it a little unlikely that a drunken A 10 years ago is what is causing her so much stress that she's questioning your M to the degree that she is, breaking down in the yard and telling you she doesn't know if she wants to be with you and all.

You say she's been in counseling before you went as a couple. For how long? Why did she start going? As a result of this, or prior to her revealing this to you? Did the counselor encourage her to tell you the truth?

I just think you might be misdirecting your attention by focusing on the long ago A. What is wrong NOW? I think you need to be trying to get to the bottom of that, and I think that discovering that and dealing with that with your W will parrallel the path you will have to walk to deal with the A.

Sit and think about what you want. You don't want to throw away 10 pretty good years with your W over an isolated incident that happened 10 years ago before you were married. You've said as much. You know that, and believe that, so stop the negative thinking pattern, the "how could she do that?!" type of stuff. There's no real answer that will truly satisfy you. I've pondered long and hard into those questions to no avail and still lapse into that negative thought sink. I'm not trying to minimize your pain, that isn't possible anyway. But focusing on it is taking attention away from where it needs to be, and that is digging into what is really wrong in your marriage.

I wish you the best!

Thanks, I was hoping you would check it out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sure hope you are right... I'm probably around 2+ months since finding out, and my situation is probably not nearly as serious as yours, and it hasn't been letting up for me yet. Pretty much every waking moment.....
You've got it a little crossed up here (No surprise since I pretty much wrote a book....) The A 10 years ago is a completely seperate issue from the "not sure if she wanted to be with me".... That issue turned out to be her letting some stuff build up and not talking to me about it, as well as some extra stress in her job. We're good on that front and got that worked out. It just happens that she also told me about the ONS the same weekend.
Actually, she went because of the ONS issue. She realized how bad it hurt me, and she didn't know the best way to deal with it. She went twice before asking me to go as well. I've been pretty much impossible to deal with and she needed help understandably. Yes, I believe the counselor encouraged her to tell me the truth.
I think we have it pretty much worked out what our problems are, they are typical married people problems ;-) We just let them bottle up and didn't work on them. We have a good direction now. The problem now is that I am so hung up on this, that the other problems are on the back burner. Luckily she understands.
I hear you, but easier said than done! This is exactly what I am trying to do. But in the end, if I can't let it go... then what? It's driving me pretty much mad.


Same to you, and thanks for your input.

Even when a person finds out 10 years, it is still hurtful. Betrayal is betrayal, and it will take a long time to get over it. Things will never be the same. That is the sad part.

On hopeful part is that your marriage will overcome this, and you will not be satisfied with how your marriage was before. Instead you will work through this and insist on a much better marriage.

Sure hope you are right, because it doesn't feel that way. I have been getting worse, not better. I just can't imagine her back then being attracted enough to another guy to do something like that. Makes me sick to my stomach to think about it....

I do understand.

You have to accept that she is human, and that she made a mistake. From what you have said, she certainly seems to view it as a terrible mistake.

I for one am very glad that my behavior when I was in my teens and early 20's is not continuously held against me now. Life would be very hard if it were. I am not the same person I was then, neither are you I suspect, and neither is your W.

Betrayal is tough. You are not wrong in being upset, but you have much to be hopeful for and you need to somehow turn your thoughts from the negatives to the positives. Its a challenge for many of us, myself included.

Thank again Tyk, wish you the best as well. Sounds like you are on the right track.

By the way, any more opinions on contacting this guy?

What do you hope to achieve by doing so? Do you have any reason to believe there has been any contact between them since college?