Understood. How?

How do I do that?

Well, first, your ww will not allow you to educate her about affairs. So stop trying.

She has re-written history. Arguing with her won't make her change her mind.

Go and read up on Plan A, Plan B. Read about exposure of the affair. Don't share the MarriageBuilders board or concepts with her. She is not your wife. She is the Alien.

The Affair needs exposure. This should be done without any warning. Make up an email list of those closest to both of you. Compose a letter and post it here for critiques.

Repeat: Do Not Let Her Know what you intend doing. WS's who learn of planned exposure do damage control, they go and warn everyone that the BS is "crazy".

She will be angry and tell you that she no longer trusts you. That you destroyed all her love for you. yada yada. Yawn. Standard.

The OMW should be first on your list. Done in presence of the OM or alone, I don't know which is best, but she should be told. Stress that you are fighting for your marriage andstanding for your children.

It isn't important whether actual sex has happened or not. There is emotional adultery. An emotional affair killed my marriage. I didn't have the guts to do Plan A and Exposure. D was final 8/30/07. I'm still working through the fallout.

Last night when I communicated my displeasure with her being over at his house with his wife not there, she told me that she would not go over there again because it bothered me.

She also asked me if I wanted to cancel the engagement that is scheduled for saturday with OM/OMW, I replied that that would be best.

She told me this am that she was not going to call OM/OMW up and cancel the engagement because "My H thinks that we are having an affair".

She has since (in telephone conversation) acted as if nothing has happened between us and our marriage is in trouble (another part that I dont get).
I'll go over and look at Plan A and B to se what is pertenant.

Thanks....really stressed today

What if she has called the OM to alert my/our conversation last night and this morning?

Wouldn't OMW also be concerned here?????

If she is genuinely interested in recovering your marriage, then do the following:

1. Take her up on her offer to take a lie detector test.

2. Have her write a NC letter approved by you and send it to the OM.

3. Institute immediate NC for life with OM. You guys can't be friends with them even as another couple since, at the very least, the line has already been crossed into an EA.

And I still think that you need to have a conversation with OMW, she has a right to know what is going on.

Who

LL,

Can you expound on this any?

"This is entitlement rearing its head"

OK ya'll,

I get the message, but I am in serious withdrawal or just plain dumb! I do not have any evidence.

I am taking everything that is being communicated straight to heart and serious. I hope and pray that I have not painted a biased picture and guilty of "bearing false witness" against my wife. You guys are the experts and have seen many different scenarios, so I trust what ya'll are telling me.

Is there anyone here who believes or would vie that this is all coincidental and innocent? Maybe they are just friends?

What should I look for on Saturday when we are all together?

Should I just wait and see if she returns to the OM house against my wishes before going to full exposure? I mean this could really all backfire on me and make matters worse right?

Thanks

You can't expose the affair until you have concrete proof. To expose without proof will simply be feeding the "you are a crazy jealous husband" pot.

Do any of us think this is all innocent and you are hyper vigilant? Not me.

I will tell you though, that for me, having been where you are, no one will ever make me question my own sanity again. If I have the feeling, you better believe that I will be finding out why.

And one more thing, if you are who I think you are, you have been bobbing around this quicksand since last Sept...

Not good.

Hire a private eye if you have to as someone else said, you'll finally get what you need to begin exposure.

And begin with his wife.

Josie, you really think it's been going on since Sept?

Sympatico, that's way too long.

I let my x's "friendship" go on way way after I started feeling weird about it, and he insisted on keeping it way way after D day. You have no idea the insanity this will do to your head.

Definitely, either get rally good at spying or hire a really good PI. You need to end this whole thing asap.

Yes Bellvue. And I remember the other posters name, and the story is exactly the same. If Sympatico wants me to say the name of the other poster, I will.

Otherwise I will not... to ensure he feels comfortable posting here, because I think he really needs our help, or wouldn't have come back here under a new name.

JJ/Bell,

Thanks for that I appreciate it. Actually, I got suspicious in June/July time frame. I have done alot of snooping including getting "busted" on the telephone monitoring. Still have some pokes in the fire though.

I really cannot afford a PI at present, plus I am venturing to say that WW will carry her secret to her grave. I believe that eventually this is all going to come to a head.

As stated in previous post OM/OMW are coming to the house on Saturday. What should I look for? We have only had one other visit from this couple and the only thing that I was able to pick up on that night was a glancing look from my wife to OM (split second), but I have seen that look before. It was enough to raise the hair on the back of my neck.

I am having difficulty in believing that she is capable of infidelity, this is where I am feeling extremely naive or dumb and am in serious denial.

I will at least monitor the visitation to the OM house. She has promised that she will not do it again since she is aware that I do not like it.

In consideration of the lack of evidence that I have, I think this is the safe play, so as not to expose myself to family and friends as a lunatic BS.

What thoughts have you all??

If you all REALLY think that I am missing something here that is very important, please by all means throw some 2X4s at me!

Sym,


That is how nearly all BS feel. Once you know for sure, it is like DUH, why didn't I see it or admit to myself what was going on.

I still think that you should take her up on her offer to take a polygraph. I think she was bluffing and won't actually go thru with it.

But if she does and it turns out that she has not been unfaithful and you are wrong, well, better to eat some serious crow than to continue to live your life based on lies.

JMHO.

Who

WM,

Right. I am plannning to go ahead with the dector. But I think that I will wait a couple of days, let things cool down a little.

Thanks for the response. Any suggestions about this weekend?

If I really could not get proof and my gut was telling me yes...here is what I would do.

I would shut my mouth and not bring it up again past the boundary you have laid that you don't want her around him unless you are present.

Because you have shut up about it, she will get careless and come up from underground a bit.

Trust your gut, shut up until you have proof.

I'd cancel the social engagement with them if I were you. I do not feel it is a good idea. I feel all [email]h@ll[/email] will break loose if they so much as look at each other because you have got to be a timebomb at this point.

That's how I would handle it until proof in hand.

I have three comments:

1) There is no need to wait. I think you should just go do the lie dector test and find out for sure especially when she is the one who offers to go.

2) By the way, did you talk to your 5 year old? Ask your daughter if she remember mommy being away or going into any room with OW? Ask your daughter if she was alone at any time during that one and half hour. Ask your daughter what she was doing during that time.

3) I think the OM's wife has the right to know. You should tell her. If there is nothing going on, it should not be a secret that your wife spend some time at her house with her husband even after she left for work.

It seems that it's at least an emotional affair and very unlikely that it's no physical affair.

JJ,

Oh no, I am not that way. I am at the point where I have sort of come to terms with any results, so long as there are results.

Even though the infidelity would hurt me a great deal, its the lying and deceipt that would really get me, especially considering that I have been trying for so long to get some answers.

I really, sincerely appreciate your thoughts. Please put your mind to rest though, I am not a violent person.

Plus, I did request that she cancel the engagement and she insisted that we go through with it

"she was not going to call OM/OMW up and cancel the engagement because "My H thinks that we are having an affair".

Thanks S123,

I attempted to alk with my 5 y/o DS, but he is at times not to attentive, plus, I have to do it without the W around (sorry didn't mean to be condescending).

Don't know how to approach the OMW. During my conversation with the W last PM when she said it was appropriate considering that they have been friends for two years and because OMW was comfortable with it.

My comment was "I don know these people and have only met them on one occasion".

I think that you should not entertain this couple this weekend. I don't normally condon lying, but I'd claim illness or something and let it go at that.

I know you got busted for the phone tap? but what about a digital voice recorder and/or GPS in her car that would record any phone conversations she might have with OM while in the car and keep track of where she is going.




I have to disagree with the above, and think that it could be harmful to him. He will sense that something is wrong and won't understand what it is and it will make him feel uncomfortable.

Good Luck.

Who

Are you taking the word of your WW at face value on this statement?

Change a couple of words and this is identical to what I got. Also, I'd only met them once, too. After which I began to search for things to confirm an affair.

Voila!

Don't approach the kid with a serious talk. Casually talk to him about stuff he remember doing at school, play ground, then OM's house and once you get the info, talk to him about the park, his toys. You just have to be creative. Remember, you're looking for times, even if it's 5 mintues that his mom is out of sight. All they needed was 15 minutes or so and that can be easily stolen away if your son was watching TV alone.

You cannot just sit down and have a serious talk with him about what happened at OM's house because he is going to get nervous and might even tell his mom. If it's a casual talk along with other talks, he will not remember what he told you and will be forgotten that he ever talk to you about it.