Well now I am devestated!!

My 5 y/o DS and I went to get a X-mas tree. During our venture, I questioned him about his visit to the OM house on tuesday.

Long story short, he saw them kissing in the lips in the kitchen and then stated that they went into his room to play bingo.

I questioned him about this multiple times emphasizing to tell the truth and asked in different ways and he came up with the same story!!

Do I expose as stated in my above post?

I am slightly relieved because now I know that my intuition was correct.

Please help

So, now you *know* what you suspected was true.

Exposure is the next step. Your WW seems to be quite comfortable lying to you, so I would *not* expose this new information to her first. I think in your case I'd probably make exposure to the OMW the top on my list. Her H might not find it all that easy to lie to her as your WW finds it to lie to you.

You expose to the OMW as soon as possible and it would be best done without the OM present...if that isn't possible do not give a heads up prior to your visit.

I informed the OWH while he was on his cell phone in a tree hunting while out of state.

S-
Now you know. I'm sorry. Confirmation is like a kick in the stomach. That feeling will hang around awhile. At least you know what you are dealing with now. Plan A is a carrot and a stick. The carrot part is improving yourself so you can be more attractive to her (and to yourself). The stick part is exposure of the affair and not putting up with being treated with disrespect. Others here can give you much better advice about the details than I can.

Expose, to anyone who you think can be of assistance. Especially to OMW, do not threaten to do this or give any hints that you are planning it before doing so. You know enough, your W can "explain" later, after the A is dying a miserable, humiliating, public death.

Also, I'm sorry to hear that you were right in your suspicions. I figured there was more to it, there usually is. If you are like I was though, you probably feel a great sense of relief in knowing that you aren't crazy! At least now you can proceed without doubting yourself.

And its not over, you have a good chance being able to make things work out however you want them to, just be cool, THINK AND ACT, don't react with emotion, as hard as that is, the better you can control yourself the better off you will be.

Thanks for all your replies, now your gong to hate me. The visit with the OM/OMW went very well and I am sorry but I just don't see my W and OM in an affair. No signs existed or concerns from his wife.

I am now starting to think that I have painted myself in a corner and into believing that an A is taking place. The thing that I am having difficulty with is what my 5 y/o has told me.

I dont know how I got to this point of thinking that my wife is capable of all this, she is just not that kind of woman!

Bottom line, I have to decide if all of this is really worth saving the relationship. It would be much easier for me to just throw the towel in and start anew!

Thanks for you alls help, doubtful that I will be posting here again, I really need a break and some counseling.

You've got to be joking, right? Let me guess, your WW,OM, and OMW all convinced you that you are imagining this whole thing right? You are just jeaolous and controlling, and it's all in your warped mind.

So, tell me, when did your 5 year old develope his warped mind? He saw what he saw, but that's not good enough because he is a 5 year old, correct?

There is an old saying, that, "out of the mouths of babes and drunks, often comes the truth."

I don't know about drunks so much, but I do believe in the "babes."

I'm quite sure your C will tell you how controlling and jealous you are. Indicating, of course how wrong you are about all of this.

Sym, if you follow this faulty thinking thru, you will destroy any chance you have to R your M. You are being gaslighted by your WW and OM and OMW is in complete denial. As were you at some point, until your gut spoke up to you.

Take your break if you wish, but IMHO, you are in denial, and don't want to believe what is in front of your eyes. Good luck with that, it didn't work for me either.

I needed to hear from my physicians mouth, that after 32 years of what I thought was a faithful M,
that I had an STD.

Living in denial is a horrible way of pulling the blankets over your head. Wake up SYM, the time for you to take action to save your M is right now, not tomorow!!!!!!!

Don't know what else I can say to you. Your choice, and yours only.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Sympatico, while my FWW's A was going, for most of that time I could have said the exact same thing you did above.
Turned out what was really happening was I was ignoring those signs that actually suggested otherwise. It was like I just couldn't believe that my FWW would actualy *do* something like that; and my mind couldn't accept any evidence that suggested otherwise.

Sympatico, one of the really evil things about WSs is that they know enough about you to be able to completely "gaslight" you, and I really believe that is exactly what is happening in your situation.

Tell me, did you relate your 5-year old's story to them, or did you have him relate it to them? If you chose not to tell them that story, or chose not to have your 5-year old tell it in his own words, you are actually participating in your deception, perhaps because what you suspect to be the real truth is just too awful to accept.

Thanks,

I am now crying like the real whimp that I obviousley am. Shine through your words are like daggers of truth and I am going to have to confront this issue today. I just cannot believe that I have been so stupid and subject to the level of gaslighting that I have had.

I had a serious conversation with my son again this morning. No TV, just him and I and stated how important it is for him to tell the truth.

He repeated almost word for word the same exact story.

Need help fast. I am going to confront OM/OMW together in about 2 hours, feeling really jittery, but have to respond to the information that my son has given.

Whats next? What is the WORST case scenario that could happen when I go over to OM house?

Sym,
You are not stupid and It's OK to cry and breakdown when you finally face the reality of of your worst nightmare.

But you can only do that for so long, before your lose the window of opportunity to actually do something about it. It's a narrow window, and if you are commited to R from this atrocity, you cannot sit on your hands or be gaslighted any more!

Other folks will explain about Plan A and Plan b, which you now need to become an expert at. Please do dome more reading about the stick and the carrot of Plan A.

And for the record, you are not a whimp, but have joined the club of BS that so many of us share here. I CRIED TOO!!!!

Today, we are reconsiled, and happier than ever before. All is not lost. Your actions in the coming weeks and months are now critical to saving your M. don't get bogged down in self pity and the inability to act!

Listen now, to words that others, more adept than I, can express and guide you to the road to R.

I guess I am just harsh reality. Others have their role to play, but draw from all of this forums resources.

I am so sorry for your pain!!!!

All blessings,
Jerry

Why confront them together? I think it would be better to tell her personally. Especially as wishy-washy as you are, you are practically begging for someone to refute your claim to you can crawl away apologizing. The OM will provide this excuse for you undoubtedly.

No offense, but you seem to be having a very hard time following advice. We all KNOW DAMN WELL how hard this is. We know you don't want it to be true. That's why there's a plan, that's why this site exists, that is why all of us are here, because in some form or another all our lives have been touched by this infidelity crap. So when you're sitting there crying and thinking "I don't know what to do! What do I do?!" (I've been there, recently!) Come here, and pick from any of the nuggets of good advice on this forum and DO that. STOP doing the things the people here specifically tell you NOT to do, at least without giving those things careful, rational consideration.

Tell the OMW ALONE, perhaps she knows alot more than you, or perhaps she knows enough to make it all make sense. My Eureka! moment came as I was talking to the OMGF.

Did you disclose your DS's story to OM, OMW or your W?

TYK,

How do you suggest that I speak with her alone? MIM nothing has been disclosed yet. I am waiting for my WW to return from church, then get in the shower and go take care of business.

I would really like some input on what to expect in the worst case scenario.

TYK, are you suggesting that I not confront them together?

If they are together he is certainly not going to let me get her alone.

Now I am unsure how to approach this. I had it figured out before TYK post.

??

Call her, tell her you need to talk to her alone, and work out a plan to make it happen. You said you were all friends, so with a little creativity it shouldn't be too hard.

I think exposing to them together is preferable to not exposing, I just sense that you are still not quite believing yourself what is happening, and if you go in front of both of them and are weak and he is strong in refuting you she may not be convinced. Allow her to soak it up alone and perhaps do some of her own investigating, and at least find out for yourself what she does know.

You two will be able to talk much more freely alone.

I would not do this. The OM is probably doing just as a good a job gaslighting the OMW, and it will be two of them against you.

If I was in your situation, I would call the OMW and indicate that my DS has something to say that she needs to hear, and you'd prefer that this be done in private rather than over the phone and arrange a meeting with the three of you: you, the OMW and your DS. Then have your DS tell the OMW what he told you about what happened that day. Then have your DS go and play somewhere, because you don't want to expose him any more to this situation than you need to.

Depending on how that meeting goes, the OMW will either finally believe that an A is going on, or she won't. Ask her directly. If she does not, then call WW on the phone and ask him some details about the "Bingo" game (e.g. how long did it go on for, why did they choose to go in the bedroom to do it, who won, etc.), and have the OMW do the same thing at the same time, and see if the details match. Unless they've really worked out the details of their lie together, there will be inconsistencies when you can use as levers to crack open the bubble and expose the lie.

If you really want to go all the way with this, I would suggest recording any calls that take place between your W and the OM when you're having that meeting with the OMW.

I suspected as much.



NOW is the best time then. Your WW is in church, so she won't be able to contact the OM to get their stories straight. Call the OMW, indicate that you'd like to speak to her in private, and *do it*. Let her hear the story from your DS.

BTW - while you may have chickened out last night, you could turn this situation to your advantage. The gaslighters believe that they've got you convinced that nothing's going. Their guard might be down a little. You can use that against them.

BTW - how do you know that your WW is actually at church?