You need to expose to the OMW. He has shown you total disrespect.

I would never let an OP near my children for any reason.

There can not be no contact if anyone in the family still is seeing him. Your family can not heal without no contact.

Your son is old enough to handle the truth. If he did he would not want to play for the OM. And, when he finds out that you allowed him to play for the OM he will be mad at the OM, YOU for being a wuss, and your wife for a long time to come.

TIM,

Did you have the talk with your DS?

LA

LA - I will be speaking with my DS tonight. He has four games this weekend. Hopefully everything will be OK.

After I speak with DS will contact OMW this weekend.

By the way, on the day that I discovered A (is this what is referred to as D-Day?) I phoned OM's home numerous times and left message on answering machine asking OMW to call me. Evidently she was not home and OM deleted message. This unfortunately is the only way I know to contact her. She and her kids go out of town sometimes on weekends when her H is at games so it may be difficult to catch her at home. I know where they live (1 hour from me) but not much point in driving there unless I know she is home. Any recommendations as to how to make contact? I want to do it this weekend for several reasons but don't know if she'll be home.

Thanks again for all the help. The advice from all who have replied has been invaluable.

Just keep trying, especially when you know OM isn't with her (like when he's coaching). Perhaps one of the other soccer parents has her cell #?

Does your W agree with this course of action?

I would do it by certified letter. That's just me. In her name only.

That doesn't mean you have to--means my brain is stuck on that one solution.

Is your WW choosing to be present in telling your son? What about your other children?

Why not call her at home today and find out if this is one of those weekends or not?

My heart goes out to you...admire yourself for this level of bravery and commitment. You rock. Don't forget you ROCK!

LA

I have not been able to get her cell #. She does not attend games (the coach does not have a child on the team) nor socialize with any of the parents. So I will keep trying while OM is coaching.

As for my W agreeing with this plan of action, not exactly. She understands wy DS needs to know but I think is petrified of what he will think of her. I have assured her that we all love her and that this will be an opportunity to strengthen our family whereas continued deception will eventually tear the whole thing apart.

At the moment though she is being a complete ******. I don't think she is nearly as understanding of my intent to contact OMW (I know, could be because she plans to continue the A) and to me seems more concerned with her reputation then anything else. I asked her this morning to pick up "After the Affair" from a local bookstore (I paid over the phone so that she could just walk to the cashier, pick up the book, and leave) and she was pissed off, almost as though she would be humiliated if seen with a book by that title. We have a lot of work to do.

LA - Thanks.

I plan to tell DS that he is being told because I don't want him to hear from someone else and because of the player/coach relationship. I will tell him that if he wants to discuss this with his siblings he should but I'll ask him to let me know so that I can then discuss with them.

I have told my W that it would be better if we do this together and that she should talk to DS ASAP after he is told, reaffirming for him that we are committed to each other and our family etc. My guess at the moment is that she will not do this. That's a decision she'll have to make and live with.

I've only read one book on this so far (NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass) and she recommends absolutely not telling the children of the A unless they are likely to find out from a third party (as in my case with DS).

Then go to their house while he is out philandering.

Exposure is a must at this point and you are rapidly encroaching critical on this.

The needles are in the red and the sirens are screaming.

What more warning do you need before a complete core meltdown?



Well, DUUUUUUHHHH. She should have thought of the consequences beforehand.


Her reputation is irrelevant the monemt she decided to commit aadultery. She shot it to sh\t at that moment.

HER DECISION. Time to pay the piper.

She wants to continue or cover the lie.


Good, reality is setting in. She needs to own up to her betrayal.

Yes you have alot of work to do and you could still fail because she may feel there's too much damage and she can just lay all the blame on you and divorce you as that would be the path of least resistance.

Not to mention punishment for destroying her fantasy world and exposing her betrayal.

Your responsibility is to inform.

Tell her what time you'll be talking to DS and where.

Her choice to be there or not...make sure you've stated clearly you very much want her presence...remember to state your desires and let the outcome go.

I wouldn't inform her about contacting OMW...I wouldn't risk her tippping off the OM, making contact under that stupid reason...and her reaction to reputation, fear of shame (which is incredibly painful) is normal in my experience.

Part of why she had it in the first place.

As reasonable as it seemed to you to get the book in this manner, I hear discounting of her choice and reactions. Could just be me. She rears at being controlled, told what to do (possibly especially for her own good). You want the book. You get it. Ask if she'll do it as an act of love...and let the response go.

Doesn't mean you're controlling her, telling her what to do...means she's feeling it. She's feeling humiliated...consequences of her own choices...living in truth is like having a bright white light come on after a long time in darkness. Lots of reactivity. It's hers. Doesn't say a thing about you.

You minding your own honesty is crucial. You are right on about continued deception. Don't deceive yourself into expectations of how she should or shouldn't react or what she should or shouldn't feel right now. The shouldas are a signal of deception...were used a lot to build resentment into entitlement. Removing this from your own frame of mind helps you.

You're not doing anything bad or wrong...hope you don't hear me that way. More to discover about the dynamics at work in your marriage. Healthy, healing and freeing. May not feel like it right now.

LA

LA - Thanks. Point taken on the book purchase. I knew she was planning to shop at the same location as the book store and thought that this was a discreet way to handle. But you're right in that I didn't really think it through any further.

I was not planning to say anything more to her about contacting OMW. Was just going to do it sometime after speaking with DS. As for talk with DS, your advice is consistent with the approach I had planned to take.

I'm trying to be guided by doing what I believe is right rather than by my emotions, which change hourly.

TIM,

Big kudos on acting from what you believe is right (your head) and not reacting to what you're experiencing in your heart (chest, back, neck).

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

This is how we retrain our brains...so we take the actions and the feelings follow...and we actually experience this as the process we want.

Not the other way around.

Please breathe...deep, long inhales and slow, long exhales.

Please relax your shoulders, roll our neck...remind yourself you're worth each action of love, too. Because you are.

Smile...really break out a big smile...not for others...for you, to feel what, all those 40 muscles at work for you, at once?

You are valuable, whole and complete...even when you experience yourself in an opposite way.

Kudos, hugs and high-fives. You can do this. THANK you for doing this.

LA

I would like to take the opportunity to reiterate the subject of my post: this sucks. Just told my W that I plan to speak with DS tonight. She is now crying and begging me not to tell him, saying that we need to protect him, etc. Also saying that if our story ends in divorce that I will have to live with my decision to tell him. Very easy for me (or anyone else) to say "you shoulda thought of this when you decided on A" (as I just did) but that is not helpful in explaining why telling DS is the right thing to do.

Please remind me why this is the right course of action.

Remember right now the ball is in your court.

I waited and the wife has my SS believing that I abandoned them.

Expose now before it's too late.

The alarms are screaming and the steam is coming from the pipes.

Mine went nuclear and everything was gone in an instant.

Because human beings can handle the truth...

they cannot handle lies.

If you don't tell him, then you join in with your WW's wayward state of mind and continue to lie to him by omission.

This isn't his fight, his problem...this is including him in reality...because the bad part of fantasy is that he's most likely been making up all the reasons he is the problem, because he knows there is a crisis...something huge...and we fill voids, don't we?

This is a brave act of love...her A broke his protection of an intact home...and you're fighting to insure he has one. This is one brave step of many.

You KNOW she can act bravely, even when she doesn't feel like it.

Gaslighting your kids to "protect" them is twice as harmful, isn't it?

LA

tired,

Sorry to join your thread so late, but this response from the TheRoad needs to be stated again.

Your S will learn how a man takes care of and protects his family from YOU. Think of the resentment he will hold towards you if you consent to keep this from him, while he continues to play for and likely look up to his coach/OM. What lesson would you be teaching your S, if you keep this information from him. How will you S view your role in this, "IF" you don't tell him the truth.

Actually, this could be a GREAT opportunity to help your S make that first step towards manhood. Tell him the truth about what has occurred, when you found out, what your doing to save your family, and then ... let your S decide his own course of action about HIS future contact with the Coach/OM. These are the opportunities/hardships that BIND fathers and sons together, when you "start" the process of him maturing and both of you begin to view the changes in each other in your ever evolving relationship.

Also, there is a VERY good chance that he already knows, suspects or has heard rumors. In that case, what he "NEEDS" to hear from you is that you just found out, and what you have done since discovery to save your family.

THIS WILL LIKELY BE A VERY POWERFUL MOMENT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SON.

Good Luck to you, as many of us are pulling for you, although we may have remained silent in our support.

Do not weaken in your resolve to tell DS. MyR and LovingA have elegantly stated sound logical advice.

Your WW is hidding behind her children. Using twisted logic to prevent exposure. The exposure that is needed to stop an affair and help prevent it from rekindling.

Keeping secrets will only protect her. It will harm your attempts at recovery and your children.

LovingAnyway knows what she is talking about. She lived the WW life. Do not ignore her knowledge gained through first hand experience.

I agree, this isn't really about your M. Its about your relationship with your son. Its also about your W's relationship with your son.

She made a terrible decision. From her comments about divorce, she still hasn't committed to not continuing to make terrible decisions. That's her deal, but her stuff isn't your stuff.

Imagine yourself at 16, the respect you would have had for your father, and also for your coach. Imagine thinking about your dad at your games, watching you score, watching you run over to the coach while he congratulats you, pats you on the [censored] and gives you a couple attaboys! Imagine finding out later on that that coach was the guy ****** your mom, and your dad sat there in the stands and watched the adulterer congratulate his son. How much respect do you think he's going to have for you when THAT come out?

Your W has alot of damage to repair, not just with you, but with your son. She has taken something important to him and selfishly risked it. She OWES your son the truth, as much as she owes it to you, as much as she owes it to OMW. Her path back into the M begins with the truth, and the strength to face that truth and do the work necessary to rebuild her relationship with you and her family. If she is unwilling to do that, then you need to really question the sincerity of anything she says.

Sounds to me like she's just trying to cover her [censored]. That's fine, but that isn't about you and your decisions. If she cant make or even support the right decision, then you will have to do it on your own and hope that she will someday grow and come to understand.

And MyRev is right, we are here for you, and we are sorry to see you in this predicament. Do not shrink from doing what is right because it is hard. Do not let your wife take that from you either. She has taken enough already hasn't she? Don't allow her to threaten YOUR relationship with your son because SHE chose to threaten your M.

Hmm... apparently while the A might be over, your W hasn't dropped the gaslighting yet. She's trying to portray this as a problem that YOU are causing, not a situation that exists as a result of HER choices.

Great point, MIM.

LA

I spoke with DS last night. He reacted in a quiet way, with tears. I tried to be as reassuring as possible. I spoke for 15-20 minutes during which time he said extremely little. I asked him how he was feeling and he said mad and surprised. I told him I could relate well to those feelings. I am not sure what is a typical reaction but I guess his was about what I expected. He went to his game this morning and told me that he did not want to speak to his coach. I told the coach that I had talked to my DS and to stay away from him.

After I spoke with DS last night I urged my W to go talk with him and she reluctantly did, albeit very briefly. When I asked him this morning if his mom had spoken with him he said "kind of" and that she said she was sorry. My W reacted angrily to my decision last night and she has been quiet, unwilling to talk, and curled up in bed all day.

She seems to have instantly fallen into a sort of depression. I don't know what to do for her.

Meanwhile I had to endure the presence of the OM at my DS's game and I think that may be more than I am capable of too much longer. I have not struck another person since elementary school but have an almost - but not quite yet - overwhelming urge to do so now. Knowing what he and my W did together (I asked for and she provided explicit detail) is at once nauseating and rage-inducing.

Finally, I tried again just now to reach OMW by phone but no answer.