Hi Shadows,

I'm glad you're getting that book. My H and I read the book, "How to live with the Passive-Aggressive Man". Excellent book. I actually have a few more chapters to read in it. But so far, it is right on the money. You'll probably see both of you in there.

Some people on this board may feel the words "passive-aggressive" and "gaslighting" get thrown around here a lot. Well, I'm not surprised. These kinds of behaviors are exhibited by people who do not have the skills to cope with life. They don't know how to handle conflict and so it comes out in all kinds of unhealthy ways, including affairs and they use "gaslighting" to throw the BS off balance and blame shift. It's the cruelest part to me.

For years, my H made me feel like most of our problems was because of me. He was unfaithful from day one, flirted a lot and told me that "I" was overreacting! It wasn't until I found this site and learned about P/As & gaslighting that it all started coming together. And for months while I was sorting it all out, I was angry. I was soooo angry for not seeing it sooner and angry that I spent years feeling like everything was my fault while he KNEW he was being unfaithful, among other hurtful behaviors. His "avoiding" behavior and the hurt that came with it landed me in a physche ward years ago because I wanted to kill myself. And when he drove me home from that hospital, he told me how horrible I was for even thinking of killing myself. He was so disgusted with me. I remember wanting to jump out of the moving car and ending it right there. I endured and internalized for my kids. I did feel guilty about my kids.

The only thing that is helping me now is that fact that my H is in individual counseling and trying to work through his issues. He's been reading tons of books and is willing to discuss this stuff with me and change his behaviors. And of course you will learn, if you haven't already, that what accompanies a man with P/A behavior, is the "angry wife". Fun, fun, fun. That'll be your side of the fence to figure out and take care of.

Also, learning about these dynamics has made me feel so much better knowing, which I really did all along but couldn't prove it somehow, that I WASN'T CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

Keep learning and reading. Knowledge is power and it'll give you the confidence to stand up for yourself and not second guess yourself.

reposted elsewhere

reposted elsewhere

Oz,

I have no intention of replying to you. I honestly believe you are the same poster as Want2Believe and several other names as of late. I checked your postings. All of your posts under "Oz" have all been related to controversial threads about trolls, and I believe you are the or one of the trolls.

Shadow,

It's very possible this poster will try to contaminate your thread so that you are thrown off and the thread will be thrown off topic. I advise you to post to this person at your own risk.

It's a genuine question. I'm interested in where the line is on this topic. What is re-writing and what is reflection? It's a fair question and if you don't want to reply, that's your choice, I hope someone else will though.


Sorry Shadow, I don't mean to TJ.

Hi Mopey,

Your post has given me some encouragement and I thank you for that. It sounds like you and your H are making some changes in your M and it's paying off. It's great that you two are able to talk about all of this now.

I'm trying to do that with my H without making it look like I'm trying to start a fight, which is difficult to do. Almost any type of discussion is a confrontation to him. If I ask a question and he answers and then I make another statement, that, to him, is starting a fight. Even if I remain calm and am really not upset. Then, it's all downhill from there.

I can certainly relate to the "angry wife" part. I always thought it was just our difference in personalities (he's laid back and I'm much more passionate about things). Now, I'm realizing he isn't as laid back as I thought. I just don't know how I missed all of this all of these years.

I am still concerned about his activities on his laptop. I have almost no way of knowing what's going on. I wish I were more computer literate, although I've been forced to learn a lot in the last couple of years. I'm going to have to do some more checking and see if there isn't something I can do there. He has given me his passwords to both computers but I can't even remember how to go about signing on to his laptop. Plus, of course, I have no access to it during the day when I'm at work.

It's really terrible to live with this doubt all the time. It just never seems to go away. I have told him that the only way I can go forward here is to pretty much tell myself we're starting over now and going on from here - BUT the past will be revisited with Steve H and will have to be resolved. I'm not sure I can really do that but it's my goal now. If I didn't tell him about the revisiting the past part, he would be all upset when it's all brought up again.

I don't know - some days I'm kind of hopeful here and other days I just see this as a lost cause.

Shadows

Shadows,

I wanted to stop in and tell you that I don't think you are overreacting either. Talking to someone who has lied to you over and over again is futile and IMHO, any and all snooping you need to do to learn the truth about something that is affecting YOUR life as well is completely justified.

Best,

Who

Who,

Thank you for your post. There are times I feel like this whole thing is insane. Checking the computer every day, leaving a tape recorder running while I'm gone... But, I just don't know how I will ever get to the truth any other way. I'm not sure I'll ever find out this way but I have to do something.

Others have suggested a PI and I'm still considering it. But what if the EA (or whatever it is) is only on his part - maybe it's something that's over with on her part, something that he's obsessing about. All I know is that I had a very bad reaction when I found those emails and the fact that he had sent her his picture. It felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. It's something I just can't ignore.

The other part of this is that we have always done everything together all of these years. I know I've heard that said before on this site so I guess maybe that's not that uncommon. But, while other women complained their husbands wouldn't do things with them, he has never been that way. But I guess he still could have had this secret second life, as Steve H says.

All I know is that the suspicion is really wearing on me. If something does give soon, I'm going to have to either hire the PI or make him go for another lie detector test if I can find someone better than the last examiner.

Shadows

Shadows - for more help and info on P/A (passive/aggressive) behaviour, please follow the links in my sig line below.

There's also one on this forum about "gaslighting", which is pretty much P/A taken to the extreme.

Hope this helps.
Mulan

Thanks, Mulan. Actually your post was the one I read a month or so ago and realized that might be what I'm dealing with here - the passive/aggressive spouse. So, I ordered a few books and am just beginning to learn all about it. Sometimes though I feel like I'm doing all the work here - reading books, coming to this website, setting up appts. with Steve H - and what is H doing? Probably still working on trying to convince me this is all in my head.

Shadows

It has been several months since I've posted but have been reading everyone's posts on the MB website.

Things are still the same with us. I can't get past the feeling that my husband had an EA and also have my concerns about what may have gone on during the many years he traveled for work. We just returned from a marriage seminar that I was really hoping would help with the honesty in our marriage. I was wrong. Even though it was a great seminar, my husband basically just "went along with the program" and didn't allow himself to take any of it in. He feels that it's just people trying to sell books, etc. and that they really don't believe all of what they are saying. It was a Christian based seminar and somehow I guess he doesn't see the connection between Christianity and marriage.

I seem to be able to put my doubts out of mind for a while, but they always come popping thru again. I have told my husband that I will stand by him no matter what he tells me regarding any feelings for another woman or any behaviors in the past that he has kept from me. He keeps saying there is nothing to confess. I just don't know where to go from here. We have been married over 30 years, so when I say "past", it's a long, long time. Sometimes I feel like our whole marriage has been one big secret on his part.

We did 3 sessions with Steve 6 or 8 months ago(I did two on my own and he did one). We were supposed to fill out the questionnaire and send it to him but my husband basically gave up on any further sessions. So, what do I do?

Shadows