I'm so thankful my H found this site. It has already been awesome.

My story.. Married almost 5 years, with a 4 yr. old son. Our meeting and falling in love was nothing short of amazing.

Current: 1 1/2 years ago I moved to my H's home town (HT). A job became available and my H thought I should go for it. I was happy in our newley built home of 7 months and thriving job(s); but I knew he always wanted to go back home to be closer to his family. So I applied and got the job 6 months later. We were so excited. I moved in w/his parents and took our son w/ me. H stayed in our new home and committed to finding a job ASAP! Within 2 weeks of my departure an EM errupted w/ a gal he worked with from another state. They had phone contact often re: bus. and in Aug. '06 he and a team went to her duty location to perform an inspection. That following Dec. our cell phone bill re-routed to our home in his HT. The bill was really high; I jokingly asked him if he was talking to his GF; boy I had no idea...

After much lying; eventually H calimed to be having an EA. I told him I wanted a DV; but we managed to get through that time. Since then, I've found out he was continuing the EA after he claimed to have broke it off. He's "come clean" about 5 times now. Each time giving a little more details than the time before.

Last weekend it was obvious they were still in strained contact. He never really shuts that door. A text here an e-mail there.

We've found this site, ordered "How to Survive an Affair - be here Monday" and I've taken steps toward receiving access to his phone, all accounts, etc. Folks he's lied to about the A; I've insisted he call them and fess up (exposure). He has done that. His parents know and the OW H is now out of the picture..DV last May.

Yesurday I asked him a detail about the A and he lied about it; then he fessed up after more questions. I became mad, left w/ a freind for the evening; came home about 11 p.m. I don't usually do that. I'm at my wits end. I've called off leaving him 5 times now, after he's been caught up in more lies re: the A. Each time he begs for me to stay and promises the world and how he'll prove himself truthful for the rest of his life.

This a.m. I tell him I know there's more I can feel it; I've dreamt of him being w/ a women 2x. He finally came clean about a PA last Dec. - it was over a 3 day business trip to another state; they faciliated together.

I was hurt and went for a drive - still feeling that wasn't all; I called the OW; I explained I wasn't going to be mean to her; I just wanted to talk; she filled me in on some details; all the same details H provided and then some..of course. They had a PA on several occations; twice in our home/bed - few day stint each time. Meanwhile me and his son are watining for him to join us.. no wonder it took so long. H finally got a job and moved to HT in June 07 - almost a year after I moved to his HT.

After the conversation w/ OW; I came home and asked H a few questions; I knew the answers already; he didn't know I talked w/ the OW. He had a chance.. and lied some more. Then I told him I talked with the OW and he came clean... That's the problem; he got caught AGAIN and then came clean over some BIG stuff.

He's been all over this site; he has said to me he understands he has to be totally and completely honest w/ me to move forward.. he even went as far to say how "clean" he felt all the while knowing he was still lying.

I do love my husband. But I have to think about me and our son. I told him no more for me; I deserve better!! I've tried this 4 times now and each time more lies. My life feels like that song by Tina Turner, "What's love got to do with it." Right now it's about our son and being the very BEST parents we can be.

I'm afraid... I want to protect our child; not exactly sure how. We don't fuss in front of him; though he knows when there is tension in the air. I so wanted him to enjoy a family life.. I understand he still can; it will be different. I cry for him (our son) and I feel like a failure; I couldn't keep our family together.

We're not sure what to do about the living arrangements. Does he stay until the DV is final?

I'm hurt beyond words discription and feel sad for each of us; as crazy as it sounds even for the OW. What a mess.

MelodyLane offered a suggestion to wait to file for DV; I will do that. I understand feelings and anger are high right now.

Any thoughts?

Y'all, below are the links I gave to lpwv to read. She has also agreed to WAIT and cool off to make a final decision about DV. Her H is brianwv, a WS who has been coming here for a few weeks seeking help.

I will give you a couple links that outline what it will take to recover from this. But the key thing is that all contact is ended FOREVER and that he open up his life to you with complete transparency by giving you passwords and staying in contact with you all day long.

Are you satisfied now that you have the FULL STORY?

Also, can you start up your own thread so you will each have your OWN threads? Let him have this one and go start one for yourself. That will make it easier to give you each the attention you need.

Read these links:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

A no contact letter for him to write to the OW. This should be approved by you and MAILED BY YOU. [or he can email it with you standing by if easier]

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Mel is right on. Never ever make an important decision while you are angry or in a high emotional state.

His lies are very destructive. I know. And at times they can be more hurtful than the knowledge of the adultery itself.

Surviving and recovering from adultery is not a sprint, its a marathon. And it takes time, just like it took time for your marriage to get to this state.

Have you decided whether or not to implement Harley's plans (A & B)?

Jo

You can play this by ear, but if you do decide to file for DV, you will probably need to seperate. That is because if you do decide to DV, being around him like that will harm your mental health. You aren't going to be able to withstand much more of this, so i hope he is telling the truth this time. Because his lies are as abusive as his adultery.

[please show him DrHarley's video about adultery]

Is the OW married and does her H know about the affair?

Welcome, and so glad you found us. Melody gives excellent advice, so you have great help here.

Your husband is most likely thinking that the truth will be too hurtful. Plus he is addicted and is having trouble having no contact.

How long did you know him before you married him?

LP:

There seems to be hope for your marriage.

Your WS seems to be TRYING to break it off.

As you will read in SAA, the affair is an addiction which is hard for the wayward to stop.

First and foremost, there needs to be a NO CONTACT LETTER sent to her. He has to make a commitment to take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to insure NO CONTACT with her FOR LIFE.

Keep in mind that the OW more than likely lied to you about certain facts. Your H is a liar at this point, too. But you can work towards getting THE TRUTH from him whereas with her, she is YOUR ENEMY and I recommend no further contact with her.

If you choose to work on your marriage, we can help you.

How do you know this information, lpwv? Is this what your H has told you? Has this been confirmed independently BY YOU?

I am satisfied w/ the full story. I feel like it's out now.
We will definately send the NO CONTACT letter; I will be reviewing and mailing.

Jo,

I haven't read about the plan A or B; i've seen several folks refere to it. I will check it out. Thank you

LP

The OW is now DV - May '07. she said her H knew about their A; she didn't say much past that. My H finally fessed up he knew they DV because she cheated on him.

Thank you. I'm so glad and thankful to be here.
I knew him 1 year befoer we married; was pregnant within 6 months of knowing him.

lpwv,

I am glad you are willing to let us lend you some support. It is really awesome to learn from the folks @ MB who have learned and practiced the principals and concepts as provided by Dr. Harley and his staff.

I recommended on the other thread you read SAA, HNHN and both of you take the EN questionnaire. Then call Steve Harley @ MB and arrange for a few MC sessions. It will be worth every penny.

Steve will explain the need for plan A and if needed, plan B. He will explain about the stages a BS will go through during recovery and who needs to do what during recovery. Hint: There's less work for you as a BS than you may think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The books will also explain about plans A & B. Believe it or not, you and your H are farther down the recovery path than most of us when we started. That's good but also c/b frustrating. Do your reading and then get with Steve. Then you will be equipped to make a good decision for yourselves and your family.

take care,
L.

I hope I'm doing this right. I'm replying to each thread; perhaps I need to reply to one thread and address all??

He is trying to break it off.. NO contact for 1 week.

You're right; even when I talked w/ her today she commented that they couldn't help their feelings for one another. She laughed and said we (her and I) needed to start a wife's club.. I didn't respond... I just needed information; I wasn't getting it from my H; I took matters into my own hands. It was eating at me; my life is in turmoil.

Can't get past the constant lying; even as of this afternoon; I asked point blank questions and more lies.

I struggle to "work it out" he has shown NO signs of stopping the lying. He has however, done everything I've asked him to do - expose himself, hand over personal info., etc. What signs could possible be ther for this marriage to have any survival at all?

i forgot something; everything she said to me, H did eventually confirm.

I won't contact her again.

H said and the OW confirmed today on the phone w/ me as well. OWH took their 2 girls and went to another state.

You can reply to everyone at once, or address each person in your reply.

The constant lying is very normal. Just think of him as not being in his right mind now.

It will take time to work it out - and more time to get over the hurt.

Your situation is VERY HOPEFUL. Please stick with us.

Thank you Orchid.

We've taken the EM questionnaire; ironically, our marital counselor gave us the very questionnaire about 3 weeks ago. We've been in martial counseling for 2 months now. H is meeting w/ our counselor - one to one now; guess I need to find a new one.

I believe we will make the call - what do we have to loose... perhaps everything?

You will be in the PLUS column once you begin coaching with Steve Harley.

You know something funny, Believer? After all the lies and seeking DV, I've taken my ring off several times. Didn't think it belonged..anymore; today.. I didn't take it off - not sure why,, instinct perhaps. My feelings sure don't want this marriage and all the disgust that has been born within it; but I kept it on today.

About every 45 min. I cry. Is this normal? Something feels different about knowing about a PA A versus an EA. IT's the image......... It's him giving himself to another; that was my home... NOT HERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and not his to GIVE AWAY.

Put your ring on and leave it on. It represents your vows to your husband.

Crying is very normal. I spent the first 6 months crying. I walked around like a zombie, couldn't eat, sleep, or concentrate.

Your marriage will never be the same. It is a loss of innocense and exclusivity. But you can get through this and have a marriage that is much better than the one you had before.

You might want to get rid of the bed, or have some kind of cleansing ceremony. Evil was in your home and you need to banish it.