|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I think this deserves its own thread since it seems to be a fairly common problem for MEN. About once a month a newcomer will show up here who has left his own home at the behest of a wayward wife in an active affair. She asks him to leave so she can have space"� and "think about the marriage."� The poor devastated soul usually believes that appeasing her will save his marriage. It is the EXACT OPPOSITE. She is asking him to move out so she can carry on her affair without his interference.
Moving out only serves to ENABLE the affair at the expense of his own marriage and children's security. The WW is now free to carry on her affair from the safety and comfort of her own home. It is not uncommon for her to actually INVITE the OM into the home and introduce him to the children.
She often has fantasies of replacing the BS with the OM. Of course, the BS is still paying the mortgage so he is, in effect, not only enabling the affair but FINANCING it. Otherwise known as the ContributeToYourOwnDemise Program.
Some reasons why moving out is dangerous:
1. It enables the affair
2. It is viewed as abandonment by many courts - and yes it is abandonment!
3. Separation INCREASES the risk of divorce and impedes chances of recovery [you can't recover if you aren't there!]
4. Many men, on this very forum, have had to get COURT ORDERS just to get back into their own homes
5. Children are exposed to affair partner, which is morally confusing and increases the risk they will be sexually molested/abused/killed
6. It is DEVASTATING to children! Your children need you now more than ever. You are ALL THEY HAVE since their mother's brain has been abducted by aliens.
In short, moving out is always a huge mistake unless it is to effect Plan B.
I am always baffled about why men will do this, because a woman wouldn't sacrifice her own home and her children because her husband was in an affair and wanted some "space."� The only way I would leave is if my husband's pistol was BIGGER than mine! Even at that, I am a better shot than him, so that might not even do it. It might take a SWAT TEAM!
If your wayward wife asks you to move out so she can have "space,"� suggest she either go in the bathroom and shut the door or be a gentleman and clean out a corner in your garage for her. But, whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME, GUYS!!
If you have fallen for this manipulation tactic and left your home, don't despair. The mistake is usually easily corrected by packing your bag and GOING HOME NOW. No warning, no nothing. Just get in the car and go home and move right back into your OWN BED. When you walk in simply say "HI HONEY, I AM HOME!!" and give her a smile and a peck on the cheek. If she objects tell her you live there and intend to stay. SMILE.
THIS ADVICE ALSO APPLIES TO FEMALE BETRAYED SPOUSES!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
MEDC found this excellent article: Bad boyfriends often abuse children of partners By DAVID CRARY , AP National Writer Sunday, November 18, 2007 NEW YORK (AP) - An ever-increasing share of America's children grow up in homes without both biological parents, leaving them nearly 50 times as likely to die of child abuse, according to research. In many cases, the alleged or convicted perpetrator is the boyfriend of the child's mother - men thrust into father-like roles which they tragically fail to embrace. Many scholars and front-line caseworkers interviewed by The Associated Press see the abusive-boyfriend syndrome as part of a broader trend that deeply worries them, particularly as an ever-increasing share of America's children grow up in homes without both biological parents. "This is the dark underbelly of cohabitation," said Brad Wilcox, a sociology professor at the University of Virginia. "Cohabitation has become quite common, and most people think, 'What's the harm?' The harm is we're increasing a pattern of relationships that's not good for children." There are many other studies that, taken together, reinforce the concerns. Among the findings: • Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005. • Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center. • Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. "All the emphasis on family autonomy and privacy shields the families from investigators, so we don't respond until it's too late," Wilson said. "I hate the fact that something dangerous for children doesn't get responded to because we're afraid of judging someone's lifestyle." Census data leaves no doubt that family patterns have changed dramatically in recent decades as cohabitation and single-parenthood became common. Thirty years ago, nearly 80 percent of America's children lived with both parents. Now, only two-thirds of them do. Of all families with children, nearly 29 percent are now one-parent families, up from 17 percent in 1977. The net result is a sharp increase in households with a potential for instability, and the likelihood that adults and children will reside in them who have no biological tie to each other. comprehensive article in entirety at: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/19/AR2007111900007.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044 |
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121 |
YESSS!!
Not only does moving out hand the affair to the WS on a silver platter but you, as the BS should not be displaced and inconvenienced because your spouse chose to stray!
It's important to stand your ground, to stay in YOUR home and keep your family intact. The kids shouldn't suffer by losing a parent and Plan A is far more effective if you are together.
There is NO reason to move out unless you have a serious reason for fear for your safety.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632 |
Horray!!!
Thats's more like it!
BTW, too bad my NE Patiots beat the Dallas cowboys by 17 points.
Oh Well
All Blessings,
Jerry
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044 |
Mel...of equal importance..if NOT more so....NEVER, EVER, NEVER let a WS take your children from their home. Look at what Jame's is going through because he allowed this to happen. His kids are living with the OM! The kids and the BS stay in the home.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Horray!!!
Thats's more like it!
BTW, too bad my NE Patiots beat the Dallas cowboys by 17 points. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044 |
Jerry, You aren't leaving my friend. It was better the other thread was closed...and it ended on a great note too. This thread will be just as valuable and will hopefully exist without bickering.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
I'm not sure if this is great advice, but it i shonest and it is what I did so I'll go for it. Delete it if necessary Justuss.
When my dear Squid was in her affair pomp and being just about as spiteful as possible to me and the kids she taunted me aout OM being their new daddy just as soon as his own relationship was terminated.
It was fog babble of course, but it did trigger a valid thought in me.
Now I was and remain in a more flexible situation than many folks here, but I'll post what I did anyway.
1. Protected my finances
I set up a secondary checking account in my name only and set up auto transgfers each month so that only EXACTLY enough money was left in the primary account to pay the bills. It was done silently so Squid wouldn;t have known about it until sh etried to withdraw cash after the bill payments were complete.
Squid had spent a lot of money on her affair and was planning to get a place with OM or travel with him, with my kids. I saw no reason to make that easy for her.
Also In the UK men, even BHs can be financially sodomised my the legal system and that wasn't going to happen without a fight on my watch.
2. Secure kids critical documents
I found and secured the kids :
Passports
Bank Books
Birth certificates
Medical cards
School records
This meant I couldn't lose the kids to a stealth attack, and they couldn't leave the country or start a new school. Also meant Squid couldn't steal their money. She already secured their college fund but I could stop her and OM accessing the rest.
3. now the controversial bit - secure a "plan B life".
I decided that I would die before OM ever lived in the same house as my kids. So I took some action.
I leveraged work contacts abroad and secured a job on demand in Dubai that would begin with a phone call. It was working for the same company as currently, on similar pay and terms.
There is no extradition agreement between the UK and Dubai so I could have gone wthere with the kids and Squid wouldn't do a thing about it.
This wasn't spite - I'd have negotiated a D settlement with Squid remotely if it came to that, but I would have not bought my kids back to the UK until I had a cast-in-stone custody agreement signed by all parties.
In fact I only recently stood down that job opportunity. What a friend I found there...goodness...
I dunno how legal or possible that is for you betrayed dads out there but it allowed me to plan A with more confidence. I would NOT have lost my kids.
I'll have to tell Squid what I planned one day, I haven't yet.
So men, in addition to not leaving your homes, try to secure an alternate life plan, that complicates waywards plans to get kids and half of everything.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Great thread Mel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I would like to add to Bob's vital list. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> 4. Define your personal and M boundaries. 5. Create your personal support group. Keep them informed as needed and put them on alert as needed well. This group can include one's children and even pets. Anything and anyone who can lend support. By anything, it could be songs, smells, pictures, etc. You'd be surprised where support can come from. 6. Go to the doctor and inform all doctor's, dentist, etc. as needed. 7. Inform the school, daycare, co-workers, neighbors, etc. as needed. 8. Look into separate and D options so when the babble is blown your way, you will know when NOT to panic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> 9. Get a good MC familiar with MB concepts. Better yet, contact Steve or Jennifer @ MB. 10. Reassure your family (i.e. children) of your love and support. That you will never abandon them. That you need to remain as a team, a single unified force to combat the bad influence the other parent has allowed into the home. Ask they not be afraid to report when they feel scared or alone about events that unfold. Get the children into IC as needed. 11. Keep posting here and keep a journal in a safe place. One MBer used to forward her e-mails and journals to a safe 3rd party. Then she used to keep a printed copy with me for safe keeping. You decide what is safe. Well, that's my list. It works for both BSH's and BSWs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> take care, L.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Say Mel, would it be wise to post a link to the old thread on this one? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
L.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 271
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 271 |
I'm late for this discussion, but wanted to put in my 2 cents. I agree with the general advice here. But there are exceptions that should be mentioned. While safety is one good reason (cited above) for moving out, another is risk of liberty. Mrs WG was actively (and falsely) portraying me as abusive (to her and her child). As a stepfather with an adolescent DD, I was acutely sensitive to such allegations. Eventually (after a year of fighting for the M in the home) I moved out. I had to protect myself. It has had many of the negative consequences mentioned above (adverse finances, the A has continued, DD is brainwashed by WW). We are divorcing, and even had I stayed, the consequences would be about the same. I have been accused of abandonment, but it's easily countered with proof of the adultery and my documented financial support.
- WG
BH 40, Married: 2002, Discovered affairs: Fall 2005, Divorced: Spring 2008
Advocate grace daily
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164 |
Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 86 |
Thanks, Bit. I am definitely not leaving my home or my wife and children. Time to put PLAN A in action.
Last edited by SteveinJAX; 08/16/10 11:37 AM.
Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
 B.U.M.P.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 162
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 162 |
Thought I'd chime in as a BH who stupidly moved out of the house, thinking it was the right thing to do (before I found MB).
As if you need any more reasons not to move out--consider that once you move out, the AP is virtually guaranteed to be welcomed into your home by WS.
If you do manage to make it to recovery after moving out, your marital home now has the STANK of AP all over it. The home will be a triggerfest.
In my case... we're now debating selling our hard-earned home in a down market, just to get away from it.
Don't do it!
BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.
In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820 |
I agree, I think this goes for BS in general, this isn't a decision any of us made, the WS decided to leave the marriage, they should go if any one does. The family home stays in tact, for the marriage and the children..........
This is where you have to stay strong and firm with your boundaries.......
Let them figure out where they go and how they will manage the finances........
all part of being a wayward..........
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Rarely do we have to tell WOMEN not to leave their homes. It is the MEN who have to be told this. They are so accustomed to being bullied and oppressed by female tyrants that they have to be instructed on how to defend themselves and their children.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 299
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 299 |
Wow Stuck. You hit it right on the head. Although WW and I are not in recovery yet (big yet there!) I have been thinking more and more of this in the event we do recover. I too stupidly moved out and it wasn't long before AP (2 of them BTW) got their "stank" all over it. I've added one more stipulation to my list of must dos in order to recover and that's to sell the house.
Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet
Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8.
Separated Sept 08
DDay Dec 08
Plan A Mar 09
Plan B 16 Nov 09
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736 |
I would add to the do not leave home, do not allow your wife to take the children from the marital home.
I stayed in the home, but made the mistake of allowing my child to go with my now XW when she got her apartment and left. I did not believe she was having an affair, and of course I was wrong.
The only one to leave should be the one who wants to leave. If she wants to take the children, that's a line you will not cross. Get an attorney and seek protection to keep the children in the marital home.
Even if you think it's not likely she's having an affair, better safe than sorry.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254 |
I will go as so far to say that if you leave your marital home, whether a ww or a wh is involved, that the STANK WILL ENTER THE HOME no matter what.
Whenever the bs leaves the home, the crazy affair-addicted and wacked out wayward, feels further entitled to do crazy things, and of COURSE they will do as one of the first items on their "how to become a super duper cheater" list is to bring the posom or posow into the family home.
My xwh did that, but I moved out b/c of something he did (involved an incident of spousal abuse and I was out within like a half hour with police involvement).
I left, filed for divorce, and did not return to my family home, my once dream home I built. My next door neighbors called me THE NEXT DAY saying that (I left on a friday)that the posow had apparently flew into town and spent the whole weekend there, except that my xwh had her put her car in the garage the whole time, and that when they'd pull out of the garage, he'd tell her to hold her head down or something b/c it was apparent he knew people were watching them.
How sad is that...having somebody make you PRETEND you're not with them when riding in a car. (evil snicker)
So YES, they will SKANK AND PUT THE STANK all over your home sweet home if given an inch to do so.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
BUMPI think this deserves its own thread since it seems to be a fairly common problem for MEN. About once a month a newcomer will show up here who has left his own home at the behest of a wayward wife in an active affair. She asks him to leave so she can have space"� and "think about the marriage."� The poor devastated soul usually believes that appeasing her will save his marriage. It is the EXACT OPPOSITE. She is asking him to move out so she can carry on her affair without his interference.
Moving out only serves to ENABLE the affair at the expense of his own marriage and children's security. The WW is now free to carry on her affair from the safety and comfort of her own home. It is not uncommon for her to actually INVITE the OM into the home and introduce him to the children.
She often has fantasies of replacing the BS with the OM. Of course, the BS is still paying the mortgage so he is, in effect, not only enabling the affair but FINANCING it. Otherwise known as the ContributeToYourOwnDemise Program.
Some reasons why moving out is dangerous:
1. It enables the affair
2. It is viewed as abandonment by many courts - and yes it is abandonment!
3. Separation INCREASES the risk of divorce and impedes chances of recovery [you can't recover if you aren't there!]
4. Many men, on this very forum, have had to get COURT ORDERS just to get back into their own homes
5. Children are exposed to affair partner, which is morally confusing and increases the risk they will be sexually molested/abused/killed
6. It is DEVASTATING to children! Your children need you now more than ever. You are ALL THEY HAVE since their mother's brain has been abducted by aliens.
In short, moving out is always a huge mistake unless it is to effect Plan B.
I am always baffled about why men will do this, because a woman wouldn't sacrifice her own home and her children because her husband was in an affair and wanted some "space."� The only way I would leave is if my husband's pistol was BIGGER than mine! Even at that, I am a better shot than him, so that might not even do it. It might take a SWAT TEAM!
If your wayward wife asks you to move out so she can have "space,"� suggest she either go in the bathroom and shut the door or be a gentleman and clean out a corner in your garage for her. But, whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME, GUYS!!
If you have fallen for this manipulation tactic and left your home, don't despair. The mistake is usually easily corrected by packing your bag and GOING HOME NOW. No warning, no nothing. Just get in the car and go home and move right back into your OWN BED. When you walk in simply say "HI HONEY, I AM HOME!!" and give her a smile and a peck on the cheek. If she objects tell her you live there and intend to stay. SMILE.
THIS ADVICE ALSO APPLIES TO FEMALE BETRAYED SPOUSES!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 46
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 46 |
Can someone explain what plan A is, and how to go about it?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155 |
Broken you don't get to plan A without exposing first, your trying to skip a step and this will not help you achieve anything.
You expose the Affair
You then plan A
Last edited by NB28; 02/23/12 04:53 PM.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,759
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,759 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492 |
Yeah .. no kidding ... seen this mistake happen soo many times ... almost always the same result ... marital break down and failure.
Men need to man up more and stand up to their wives and stop thinking they are fragile creatures that will break if we stand firm! ... If WW's are so bent on having their affair .. THEY LEAVE! Give them a travel coffee on the way out. HECK .. help them pack the car! >.< ... ANYTHING but leave if your the guy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492 |
Drat ML .. you beat me too it ... >.<
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 251
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 251 |
Not leaving our apartment was one of the best decisions I ever made.
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
We seem to have ALOT of gullible men who have moved out of their homes recently to give their wives "space" to have her affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156 |
Recently? From what I've read that's pretty much been the norm for a long time.
Pathetic.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
I don't get it myself. If I were the WW I would be wondering if he loved me at all. Which I think is the general thought around here too--a WW with a BH who moved out, will wonder if he loves her at all, or is willing to fight for her.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156 |
I don't get it myself. If I were the WW I would be wondering if he loved me at all. Which I think is the general thought around here too--a WW with a BH who moved out, will wonder if he loves her at all, or is willing to fight for her. Which only solidifies, justifies, and rationalizes in her mind that what she is doing must be the right thing; otherwise, why isn't he stopping her? Yep, he never really did love me, so all this is okay. Why is this so hard to get through to so many? It's not THAT difficult a concept to grasp.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 251
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 251 |
Okay. So, I never moved out.
But I haven't hopped back in bed since W has been back. Do I march on in, and if she's unhappy, let her know the sofa's available?
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Yes. The faithful spouse should remain in the marital bed
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 251
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 251 |
Had a good night's sleep last night. Offered to stay on my side of the bed & no touching. She opted for the futon.
W grumbled, "I don't think this is something we've come to an enthusiastic agreement about."
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066 |
W grumbled, "I don't think this is something we've come to an enthusiastic agreement about." 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Had a good night's sleep last night. Offered to stay on my side of the bed & no touching. She opted for the futon.
W grumbled, "I don't think this is something we've come to an enthusiastic agreement about." Good job! Just tell her you are not enthusastic about getting kicked out of your own bed! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 264
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 264 |
The very fact that this thread exists is sad...I would never let my WW drive me out of the house, or the bed...at least not willingly. She's the one with the problem. As such, she is the one sleeping on the sofa (her decision). I know I ain't perfect, but some of you men out there need to grow a pair.
BH (Me) 41
WW 41
S 7
D 3
Married 11
ILYBNILWY 8/12/12
DD 9/2/12
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The very fact that this thread exists is sad...I would never let my WW drive me out of the house, or the bed...at least not willingly. She's the one with the problem. As such, she is the one sleeping on the sofa (her decision). I know I ain't perfect, but some of you men out there need to grow a pair. Agree with every word you wrote. We have to teach men to defend themselves. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
It makes me sad, too, to think that there are so many self-professed manly men who melt into puddles when an angry WW orders them out.
I would ask what causes this, but...we would be here until the sun explodes.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 264
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 264 |
If my wife ordered me out of the house, I'd probably laugh in her face and tell her "good luck with that" and then contact my lawyer. Sorry, but I didn't chose to violate my vows, the word of God, and to bring this destruction down onto my family...she did. If she wants to live without me around, she's free to move out. Just like she was free to go sleep on the couch.
So any other men out there that have been betrayed, I say again, grow a pair and protect your family!
BH (Me) 41
WW 41
S 7
D 3
Married 11
ILYBNILWY 8/12/12
DD 9/2/12
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
If my wife ordered me out of the house, I'd probably laugh in her face and tell her "good luck with that" and then contact my lawyer. Sorry, but I didn't chose to violate my vows, the word of God, and to bring this destruction down onto my family...she did. If she wants to live without me around, she's free to move out. Just like she was free to go sleep on the couch.
So any other men out there that have been betrayed, I say again, grow a pair and protect your family! The problem is that in some areas (NeverGuessed recently posted about this in NY State) a woman only has to say she is in danger and get a protection order. If a man is going to stay in his house with a evil woman he needs to protect himself against any possible false allegations. Unfortunately, a lot of men chose to just throw in the towel and walk away from the house and the kids. Statistics show that many fathers have little to no contact with kids after separation or divorce. Adultery just rots the souls of those that participate in it and children, neighborhoods and society suffers. I read a sign in a government office: "The single largest indicator of crime in a neighborhood is the lack of fathers"
Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 11/28/12 09:26 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5 |
Great discussion! Here is my opinion on the subject:
Since most men I've counseled are more emotionally and physically resilient than women to the extreme stress that being the victim of an affair creates, I encourage men to fight for their marriage much longer than I would encourage women. What that means is that they are to try to remain in Plan A as long as possible, avoiding Love Busters, and doing what they can to meet her emotional needs. They do that while still living together.
If the husband gets to a point where he cannot take the stress any longer, and must go into plan B, I encourage him to leave the home rather than kicking her out. This strategy is designed to demonstrate his care for her even under the adverse conditions of her betrayal. Since most affairs die a natural death soon after exposure, when she decides to give her marriage a chance to succeed, she remembers his thoughtfulness at a time that he could have been vengeful.
Granted, everything in a husband would encourage him to do the opposite. He wants to punish her for what she did, and let her stew in her own juices. But upon returning, which commonly happens even when a husband acts with vengeance (affairs almost always die a natural death even when the husband acts like a jerk), she will remember the vengeful acts far into the future, making a full recovery much more difficult.
When an unfaithful wife tells a husband to leave, I encourage him to stay as long as he can tolerate the stress. If she decides to leave on her own, I encourage him to let her go. The issue at hand is about kicking her out versus not kicking her out and I strongly recommend not kicking her out.
There are successful accounts of marriages recovering after a husband kicks his wife out, but my opinion is that it is a very risky move. The affair must go so badly that she returns home because she has no other choice. In most marriages, however, women do have choices. When the affair is over, is she drawn to the husband who cared enough about her to let her stay in her own home, or the husband who threw her out on the street? The idea that by letting her stay in the home he is not acting like a man, and she will disrespect him for it, may be true for some women. But the majority would see it as an act of kindness, something they need in their marriage to a man.
I'd be happy to discuss this issue further with anyone who writes me at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
Best wishes,
Dr. Harley Here. When Should a Wayward Wife be asked to Leave?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5 |
An additional comment: When children are involved, a husband should consult with an attorney before he leaves to avoid the impression that he's abandoning the children. A legal visitation schedule should be arranged before he leaves. But if he feels that leaving the children would subject them to abuse or other forms of hardship, he should try to gain custody. If that's not possible, I would advise him to stick it out a while longer, all the while being in contact with a therapist who can help him with the depression he will be experiencing. Antidepressant medication would certainly be in order.
Dr. Harley
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
552
guests, and
53
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,618
Posts2,323,473
Members71,916
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
