Thanks Lala, Her M has a way to bring out the alien, she seems much better today. She's not saying a thing about hurting her plan to be 'alone' but her eyes don't lie. Here’s how messed up her logic is. She works 35-39 hrs per week at 10.50 per hr. She's looking for an apartment in the $600 range which is pretty close to half her salary (And these places are small little dungeons for that price) So she decided that she would do Fantasia parties to supplement her income, now I read the small print and can tell that she will have trouble with this because you have to commit to 8-12 parties per month, so 2-3 per week, and if she plans to have the kids 2 out of those weeks that means 4-6 parties per week... ya right... but she has a sofa lined up.

Hey all!

Hope your holidays have been as good as ours! We are doing much better. Hubby's insurance kicks in this week, so I get to visit the GP to have him start me on some low-dose ADs for my ever-lovin' moodiness. Good grief, I obsess about everything these days! At least I am not taking out on w2s anymore, thank God for big miracles. But I am a mess inside at least every other day, so it will be a welcome relief.

Anyways, be back tomorrow...just wanted to say hi!

Hi Lala,

You haven't said much on your post lately. How are YOU doing? You've been helping some of us out, but what about you.

Did you see the GP yet? You seem to be in good sprits, how’s the mood swings? How's W2S? By my count, today you should be a mess... are you, how you doing right now?

You know that this isn't just about you giving... take some time to comfort yourself as well. I know that there is not much I can offer in term of advice, but I am always willing to listen and lend support. You have been a great help to me and I sense that you have a need to reach out but you don't want to come straight out and ask. I for one am here for you and your hubby.

Well,

Howdy TMTS and since you were sweet enough to ask, I will tell you at the risk of sounding like a big baby.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I cannot seem to let go of this overwhelming sadness. H was finally able to get on his company's website and sign up for benefits today. I wil schedule a Dr. appt as soon as we get the cards and stuff in the mail. I won't go into the things I would like to call and say to the worthless gal that is taking part of his paycheck (he is working thru a temp agency). She knew we needed benefits asap, told H that his packet would be in the mail the end of Dec. When it didn't show, he called her and all of a sudden, not only does he need to go on the site and fill stuff out, the site was down till 1/3. I wanted to grab the phone and tell her off, but...working on the restraint...ggggrrrrrrrr. Oh really, what's a week anyways, ya know. Although now it'll probably take two more to get the stuff inthe mail.

I was so sick over the last couple days- had a 24-hour bug (which I haven't had for a long, long time) and I'm still having stomach pains. It started NY's Eve. But, it went away as quickly as it hit...just left me feelin a little weak.

The even better part is that the problems I had after my breast reduction are back and the pain is beyond intense...it is almost unbearable at times. That coupled with the flu and having he boys all evening by myself has been tough. But I'm getting thru it...

I won't even get into the bill collectors calling...

So, really the only thing that keeps me even slightly upbeat and preoccupied is coming here and helping other people. But that is next to impossible during the day with the boys at the age they are right now. Plus, I'm behind in house stuff (laundry/cleaning/etc) from being sick. I am feeling a little beter today after letting some of it out last night, so I'll get as much as I can done and leave the rest.

Thanks for bumping me up! Although I hope not many read this and think- what a whiner!!!! If you could only see what's going on with my left side post-reduction, though, believe me, ya wouldn't think that! I'm still contemplating suing the surgeon. Although I have been to other doctors who seem to get the sense that I'm looking to sue and are covering each other's arses (medical malpractice insurance for docs in OH is astronomical, so every suit makes it worse for them). Blah blah blah...I'm getting sick of hearing myself now!

BUT thanks for asking..."other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I'll be back tonight after the boys go to bed...have a good one buddy!

PS-Mrs. W...I won't even invite you to this pity party!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I sure hope your DD is OK-I would have freaked!

Well I don't know, some pity parties are fun...What cha servin' at yours? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry things aren't all roses for you...Remember to count your blessings, as hard as that sometimes is...If you are a journaler, consider creating a "grateful journal"...From where I sit you have loads to be thankful for! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for inquiring about our dd...She is doing just fine...Back to being as mischievious as ever! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

P.S. Can I just say that Mr. W would consider a breast reduction grounds for a divorce around here? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Are you kiddy me, you whining! I'm freaking out just dealing with a WW, I can't imagine what you’re going through.

We are here for you! I know my experience won't be much help for you, but I can lend you and your hubby all the cheerleading you need.

I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better and hope you can get on those meds soon.

Chat with you latter.

Oh, I don't expect them to be all roses, believe me...I am thankful for the good things- and all of the bad things are of my own making! The jouranl is a great idea, though!!

Thank TMTS!

You guys are the best- really!

Lala how's W2S in all of this? I'm sorry to hear about all the real problems you have, makes my issues seem very petty. Hey, don't hesitate to let it out once in a while, and that goes for W2S as well. I can understand where helping in therapeutic for you but don't let it stop you from seeking it yourself, even if it's just for a little moral boost.

Thanks for the support and understanding!

He says he is doing OK. I asked him last night specifically if there was anything bothering him or that he needed to talk about. He said no, but that it makes all the difference to him that I would ask and that he could tell me if there was...

And then I just started crying. I have screwed things up so horribly, We should be on top of the world right now. He had made his dreams come true, we were both making great money (fantastic money on his end), I was working on my dreams, etc, etc. Obviously that just was not enough for me, right? I had to have some "excitment" in my life, right? BARF! Pathetic. One year later we're next to bankrupt and fighting for every happy moment.

And the award for "BIGGEST JACKA$$ OF THE YEAR GOES TO..."

Ugh, sorry, really in a bad place inside myself. The GOOD NEWS is that we are together, relatively healthy, 2 great boys who suffered little and are none the wiser to what happened, w2s did find a great job (lucky for him, cuz HE'S THE ONE WHO SHOULD HAVE TO, RIGHT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), and we'll get there eventually. I do have faith. It's just drowning in disgust right now. I cannot WAIT to start contributing to this financial MESS that I have created. I think it'll go a long way towards me feeling like I am helping to fix the problems. I think if I had just managed to keep my job through all this it would have made a big difference to us financially. I don't mean to focus on that so much, I know it's not what's important, but we started our marriage by declaring bankruptcy, and I SWORE we would never be back to this place. But then again, guess what else I swore I'd never do...anyone...?

Gotta go make dinner and do baths...

OK, I just have to say one more thing b4 I go do the evening stuff...

I have to get off this thing about my feelings. How many nights did WS cry himself to sleep? How much has he lost? He is working so hard, and even though he says he is OK, I want him to be happy. I want his websites to take off again and for him to be able to restore what I destroyed. Please pray for him. He doesn't deserve the consequences of my actions. He is such a wonderful person. Such a hard worker and great husband and father. Pray that he no longer suffers for the choices I made. He is the one who matters here. Money has always been his number one concern as far as providing for the family, and I know it is killing him inside to be away from us at night at a job he hates and not have much time to work on what he loves.

My pity party is over...

Lala,

I don't understand why you would want to discount your feelings. I lay much of the blame for out R because of this same thought pattern, you know. Worry about trying to take care of others feeling and repress your own. Well I found out the hard way that that eventually catches up with you and you start to regress. I know that if I ever get the chance to be in W2S's shoes I would not only want to hear about your feelings but cry with you as well.

He does, oh I didn't mean any of it like that...I just hate to come off like a victim, ya know. He has always cared very deeply about the way I feel, and still does. I just re-read what I had written and was like..."there I go all about ME again." It's an issue I need to deal with, sort of on the other end of the spectrum from what you've described for yourself. I have always been selfish and diva-ish, so to go on about how bad I am hurting right now seems so shallow. It is sort of a tight rope, though, I cannot help how bad I feel, but yet the thing that would make BOTH of us feel better is to be out of this financial mess. I get a little lost in the past lately (which is out of character for me, I'm a very "look to the future" kind of person) and cannot help but see what could be versus what IS.

But count my blessings, I will, as Mrs. W put it, because I still have my family. We will end up just fine after a few months. I cannot let myself get caught up in coulda/shoulda/woulda right now. It does nothing but create negative, self-wallowing pity. All I can do is be there for W2S the way he always has been for me and move forward.

I'm not sure what it is lately, though, it seems that you and Mrs. W are the only ones posting to me. Am I doing something to offend or something wrong? Am I saying things that are too wayward or foggy...or is it just that there are a lot of very troubled souls here right now in much more dire need than me? I only ask b/c I want to be sure I am not offending anyone in a way I'm not aware of...? I know there is a lot going on...how scarey is the FB and her freakazoid H's story? Those last couple of posts from him last night (after he changed his name) were chilling. The evil was palpable through the darn SCREEN!

YIKES! My heart goes out to her and those kids. I think whatever issues she may have stem directly from being with HIM, and even farther back-her parents. I hope once she is free of all of them for a while she will find her inner strength and beauty. Poor soul!

Hi LaLa. I haven't seen you post much lately - I'm certainly not ignoring you.

Hey BK! I haven't posted much lately-you're right. I don't want to go so far as to say I'm being ignored...just doing a foggy check, I guess!

How were your holidays?

I had to stop reading that, because I was getting angry at him. If I ever say anything that comes anywhere close to controlling, please slap me hard.

As for people not posting I think your right about the troubled souls (FB being a good example), and the other thing I figured out is that the better you seem to be doing, the less posts you get. So in a way it could be a good thing. I don't know that you have offended anybody, but I can't speak for others.

Now your last couple of post is showing us a more complete Lala and showing the true pain that we haven't really seen before now. We knew about the guilt, but no so much the pain.

You'll be ok just relying on each other.

Had a great break LaLa - back to work next Monday. It's lovely here this time of year provided it doesn't get too hot.

Did you enjoy the holidays?

BK- Enjoyed them much more than if they would have happened a month earlier, ya know! We had a very great Christmas!

TMTS-I couldn't tear myself away from it. Sometimes it is easier to focus on others than ourselves. It helps to remind us that our sitch's could be much worse, unfortunately.

I guess I just feel a little lost. I don't know what's OK and what's not anymore as far as the way I express myself. I am a BIG fan of Pink, especially her newest album, and there is a very sad song on there that has the lyric.."Nobody likes...nobody likes to lose that inner voice. The one I used to hear before my life made a choice." I really relate to that right now. I used to trust my instincts and now I don't.

I guess I'm not sure what you mean by this. Being yourself is the best thing to be. No airs and graces. You might get smacked occasionally but it will keep you on course.

I probably totally misunderstood your question.....

Ok Sorry Lala... Got to make you laugh a little.

Feeling a little lost are you... have a look on the number of that house, than check it on google maps, that should give you a good idea of where you are.

I know, bid joke, but I hope it put a smile on your face.

BWT - theres a whole thresd on finding yourself that is pretty funny.