LaLa...

No avoiding BK's question...Telling OMW...As I recall it had been decided to wait until after the holidays...It's after the holidays, so what's say we get crackin' on that?

Mrs. W

We are working on it. We cannot find an example of an NC letter...can someone post a good one or a link?

Here's the example from SAA:

OP, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Thank you, Graplin!

Cool, graplin posted the SAA letter...It should be typed up, approved and mailed by W2S...When will he be sending it?

Mrs. W

Within the week. There are 3 outside doors in our home that do not have deadbolts. He will be securing them to his satisfaction b4 proceding.

PS-the plan is to expose to his wife and then send the NC letter shortly thereafetr (probably the next day..?), along with W2S's heartfelt opinion of him. He says this is a MUST for him to feel better, mostly b/c of OM's nerve to come into our home, try to be friends with him, and try to get him to build him a website and business to help him financially.

Ok ,stupid question from the Canadian. Do you think he would try to hurt you or your family?

Sorry, we only even lock the door if we're going away for an extended period of time.

I think it is a real possibilty, but depends on how she reacts. If she forgives him (which I think is the 80%+ chance since this all happened before they were married, among other reasons) then NO- I do not believe he has the balls to do anything. If she kicks him out, he will have no place to go but to his buddy's house who got out of jail less than a year ago on a felony charge of aggravated assult (OM has no family). His other friend has been indicted by the FBI. The only hope I have here is that BK is right and that they will just laugh at him and tell him it's his own fault. According to OM, they all cheat on each other all the time and his closest buddy (the one that just got out of jail)--well their whole circle of friends knows that his wife cheated on him multiple times while he was in jail, including a possible fling with OM (he says it didn't happen when she threw herself at him, but who could ever believe anything he says!). This gal is OM's wife's best friend. She is the one who introduced OM and his wife.

There was a night during the last week of our PA where they all went to one of their friend's wedding and got drunk. At which point the gal told OM's fiance that she couldn't believe they were getting married (OM and fiance) b/c she had always had a thing for the OM. The three of them went back to OM's house, and OM's fiance went up to bed and left the OM and this gal to continue drinking and to their own devices. He swears nothing happened but it was a major factor at the time for my ending things with the PA. Although it was hard for me to let go of the EA (I believe now THAT was 99% b/c of the music), my "romantic" feelings for him changed dramatically. Then he started conning me out of money. Then after my surgery, he conned me out of pain pills b/c he was addicted to them. I ended up running out of pills way too soon b/c of my stupidity, and DH watched me suffer "needlessly" many nights. All b/c I was afraid he wouldn't finish my CD!! Like there weren't other studios I could have gone to!

Finally, I did wise up a little. That's when I threw him under the bus to his boss right in front of him, which eventually lead to him having to leave the studio. The only "revenge" I have had since is that after making a complete a$$ of himself at the studio and swearing to never go back (he stole a bunch of equipment and they held his last paycheck b/c of it), he HAD to swallow his pride and go back to get my video tape of my Junior reital and an audio cassett of a concert I did that he was supposed to transfer onto DVD/CD (but never did). He thought the tapes he took the day he quit was my stuff, but it was someone else's. SO, due to his fear that W2S was going to tell his wife, he went back to the studio, gave them the stuff he thought was mine and picked up the stuff that really WAS mine. I did not know any of this till he sent me a copy of the CD with my other belongings. He wrote a small note explaining that this incident was part of the delay in getting my stuff to me.

Sounds like a Springer episode, huh! So...what is boils down to is- who knows?

The main reason we are doing it is b/c we do not want to be shunned by the people on here who have been so much help to us. We trust them when they say it is necessary for OUR recovery. W2S is content to just send him a letter and make him sweat and tell him what he thinks of him. I don't want to have any influence b/c I do not trust my instincts, as all of my insticts say leave it alone and move on (FOG). But I also understand what people here feel and why they feel that way...she deserves to know so that she can make her own decision. We also want him to get what he deserves. He has testified in a past D case which he cheated with the W in that case which led to their D. He needs to be stopped. He is a home-wrecker. I just wish the threat of violence was not so real. Not even so much because I am scared or b/c W2S is scared, but b/c of our children.

There ya go...there's the whole mess...

He sounds like a real nice guy. Who wouldn't want to be his buddy. LOL. What about the OMW? Am I reading this right that she's into the same kind of thing anyway? She might not care one bit if I read this right.

That is my feeling as well...but then I think...if all he says is TRUE, why was he soooo scared we would tell her last spring? Hmmmm...

And incidentally, this has made me much stronger in my resolve to expose.

Well if he didn't have anywhere to go, that might have been his motivation... or she has a mean streak and would beat on him. That last thought is reason alone to expose... maybe you should put the following P.S. in the letter.

P.S. Should you decide to give him the beating he deserves, please get it on video so we can enjoy watching it as well.

LOL

I believe that is a HUGE past of why he was/is scared....and why he threatened me (in his pathetic passive-aggressive way).

She is not aggressive. She was abused by her previous husband, sent him to jail, and moved in with OM two days later (one day after they met). According to him, she does not communicate her feelings well at all, and prefers to sweep things under the rug.

Something to consider.

Since OMW's previous husband was abusive...you want to vet out your exposure letter to be certain that it is, in no way, perceived as abusive itself.

You want to insure you leave no room for OM to squirm out of this by maintaining you are doing and saying those things as vindictive lies and to hurt her. You'll need to offer up immediately any and all proof you have such that there is no denying you are telling the truth and no denying you are compassionately informing her...because she deserves to know the truth about her life and NOT as some kind of revenge against OM.

At first I thought W2S's letter should go with it...get it all done in one swoop but that letter (the piece of mind one) maybe should wait until the day, if and when, OM breaks no contact. Otherwise, it MAY give him a chance to maintain his denials by implying your exposure letter was made up to hurt them and your motives are clear by the hate letter attached. Simple may be better. Go overboard trying to kill 3 birds at once may be so over the top it makes it appear conjured up.

BTW, even copies of emails CAN be denied because you CAN alter them later. He could simple deny that he wrote those specific words to you. Hopefully, you've got a handwritten note somewhere....hard proof.

Mr. Wondering

Nothing hand-written. Just that email.

And I agree we should be doing it for her sake, not for his demise. We just can't help that emotion sometimes...

The thing is, she had the same proof as W2S when she confronted him about the phone bill. There were over 30 calls to my cell phone in one month. She knew it was my number. He said we were working late over the phone to finish my CD (he had a studio in his home). She (apparently) believed him. That was one month b4 they were married.

So if there is no more proof (email/phone record/song), how should we approach other than just telling her?

The NC letter was going to be an email one day after exposure (I think W2S should call her himself).

I agree that W2S should make the call and offer her the emails as proof is she wants them...He should be clear to her that he is telling her out of compassion and not revenge...

Mrs. W

That's how I feel, too. He is such a sweet person, he would say the right things. He can also point out some other occurances that would solidify his claim, if she asks questions, ya know. There is enough fishy stuff passed off as other stuff that would add up as well...

Good plan...How does W2S feel about doing this?

Mrs. W

He is all for it, except for the added stress of going to work every night and worrying that something will happen to us. OM is such a putz, though, he always runs away and hides. He won't do anything! And I have serious doubts that she will have much more than a few choice words for him anyways...especially if he is "repentant" and "sorry." Then again, he may categorically deny it! Who knows...our part at that point, will be done and over with, and we can move forward in TRUTH.

ABSO'FREAKIN'LUTELY!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It's so great that you see this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> TRUTH is the solution to adultery!

Mrs. W