Isn't every principle here "optional??" Does Dr Harley make people otherwise practice his principles at the point of a GUN? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

EVERY SINGLE PRINCIPLE IS "OPTIONAL!"

You would have to argue that point with Dr. Harley.

Gimble

Ditto what Mel said.

When an affair has just ended, exposing to OP's Spouse is one way of ensuring that NC sticks. If both BS's are monitoring NC it is easier to ensure it is kept.

This does not appear to be the case here.

In this case the affair is dead.

However, the other BS is one of the victims of the affair and has a right to know.

The reason Dr Harley says it is optional is because it isn't MARRIAGE BUILDING as such at this point of time.

It IS something that should be agreed on by BOTH parties if at all possible.

As a BS I would have loved to have been told the truth about my life before I discovered the affair. But there were a lot of moral cowards who knew about the affair and did nothing. They are no longer friends.

I think every BS would like to have KNOWN and would like someone to have had the courage to have told them.

I believe the other BS has a right to know and that LaLa/W2S in this case have no right to withold that information from her.

It is EASY when faced with something tough to cling to all excuses about how it could backfire on you etc etc etc. But there is a miniscule number of cases where this has ever even remotely echoed reality.

Drumming up fear over something that is a VERY remote possibility.

There is more chance that the entire family will be wiped out in a car accident. How's that for putting fears into context.

This is a moral dilemma. Doing the right thing because it IS the right thing and for no other reason.

no, I wouldn't, because you and I both know that each and every thing suggested here is "OPTIONAL." It is silly to suggest otherwise. Unless you know of some secret police that comes to our homes and FORCES us to do something, it is "OPTIONAL." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

No. According to Dr. Harley:

"While I encourage revealing the affair to the lover's spouse, it's not necessary, and if your husband objects, I wouldn't do it. But the other rules cannot be compromised."

I can tell you, that of all the things I have read and absorbed here of Dr. Harley and his teachings, the one I do NOT feel applies here is the one about there being a small flame carried for the OP and that it wouldn't take much to rekindle it. I despise this man, fully and totally. This is not simply a wayward claim, as I am sure most of you will see it. I know in my own heart how I feel about him, and if I ever laid eyes on him again, it would not be pretty. I don't know who would get to flogging him quicker...me or w2s. He is scum. I would feel this way about anyone (male or female or friend or otherwise) that I have known who has shown themselves to be as dispicable of a person as he has. W2S knows how I have felt about him in the past and knows how I feel about him now. I am completely transparent with him.

So, what I am saying is that arguing the point, in this instance, that telling the OMW to prevent any future contact is moot. The point would only be that she deserves to know. But does her right to know supercede our family's safety? I do not think for one second that he would come after the kids, or me for that matter. I would only be concerned for w2s.

And as I said, I feel 99.9% sure that he would be forgiven and they would move on. One the extremely slight change that she would kick him out on the street, there is then only a slight chance he would have the guts to retaliate. So, really what are the chances...? I have given w2s my opinion, but it will be his choice, which I will support 100%. My concern is that he will be going to work every night worrying his head off about our safety. THAT is the part that, at least to me, is not worth exposing. I say this knowing (as many of you do) what he has had to deal with for the last year and a half and to add more stress to him would be monstrous.

SO...he must decide.

TMTS,

You've got that one right. I have no idea how I'm going to be at work from 4pm until 1am every night worrying about my families safety. That's really the only part of this that I have a problem with. There just won't be any way for me to protect them once we let this cat out of the bag so to speak.

ML,
Thanks for your advice. I do believe in the MB priciples whole heartedly. There is a reason why this site is number one for recovering from infidelity. I feel that under our circumstances the end doesn't justify the means.

You missed the point, graplin. Dr. Harley is talking about "optional" in regards to saving the marriage. No one here has ever suggested that is the purpose of this belated exposure. So, unless you can demonstrate that Dr Harley has a secret police that holds a gun to one's head, then EVERY principle is OPTIONAL.

Armed robbery is optional, I thought you were talking about Harley principles.

Gimble

Or what, graplin? What will happen if they are not followed?

Ah LaLa. Gotta disagree with you here.

NC for life ONLY makes sense in this context.

A lot of damage can be done to the LB balance when an affair dies out but when one is discovered while still in lurve, it's a nasty reality.

If you really understand how the love bank works you will see this.

Your affair might have caused the LB to be exhausted - I don't know but that man will ALWAYS be a threat to your marriage which is why NC is so essential.

Yes, I am. Are you free to accept Dr. Harleys suggestions or not?

W2S:

You need to know that LaLa NEEDS you to be a MAN
She is practically BEGGING you to stand up and do this
And you will lose some of her respect if you do not

And a couple of nights ago you were wondering why more people wern't posting to you. LOL

LaLa will deny losing respect for you...but she WILL deep down in...it is female instinct to want a man to stand up for her and the family

You need to be the hero

I am here on this thread to discuss the safety of children and apply Harley principles of marriage building.

Gimble

Is there something you don't understand about the posted letter? I don't have an issue with it, since it seems quite clear cut and understandable to me.

If you do need clarification in order to understand it, perhaps you could contact Dr. Harley and ask him your questions.

Freely, and not at the point of a gun, I presume?

In my opinion, he just made a manly decision.

Gimble

Well Gimble it is NOT your favor that W2S needs...It is his wife's...And Yes, I agree with BK, that she NEEDS him to MAN UP and do this...For women love is very much tied to respect...Read LaLa's last post on this thread Gimble...It is crying out for W2S to take ACTION, imo...

Mrs. W