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It is just HIGHLY, HIGHLY unlikely that OM will come after you guys...He is an OM for goodness sakes...OMs are notorious COWARDS...AND he KNOWS he is the one that DESERVES an [censored] whoopin'...Odds are against any retaliation by him in a BIG way...I really think that you guys are overthinking this and causing yourselves unnecessary anxiety...
As far as him harming your children...I'd say that is WAY over-the-top unrealistic...Brace yourselves, I'm gonna be blunt, but c'mon, W2S, the guy sexes up your wife and then when HIS actions come back to bite him in the butt he decides that to harm your kids??? Um, like he wouldn't be the FIRST suspect? I mean is this guy smart enough to wipe himself? If he is, then I'd say that that scenario does NOT sound even close to possible...
Mrs. W Hi, Mrs. W. I promise I am not picking on you :-) Other than normal risks of life, neither moral obligations or common sense would ever require you to place the safety of your children on the alter of probabilities. Here is what Willard Harley has to say about exposure: The two most important rules for surviving an affair are to 1) never see or
talk to the lover again (and create extraordinary conditions to guarantee
that outcome), and 2) follow a plan for marital recovery that leads to a
mutual feeling of romantic love (with emphasis on the Policy of Undivided
Attention, the Policy of Radical Honesty, and the Policy of Joint Agreement
as outlined in "Fall in Love, Stay in Love." There are other rules that are
optional, such as letting the lover's spouse know about the affair, since
it would be the caring thing to do. But it's optional, and has little
bearing on the success of a marriage when the two most important rules are
followed. While I encourage revealing the affair to the lover's spouse,
it's not necessary, and if your husband objects, I wouldn't do it. But the
other rules cannot be compromised. You simply must not ever see this man
again and you and your husband must both follow the Policy of Undivided
Attention (15 hours a week that are set aside to meet the emotional needs
of affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual
fulfillment), the Policy of Radical Honesty (to become completely
transparent to each other), and the Policy of Joint Agreement. If either
you or your husband fail to follow these rules, you are not likely to
recover from this affair. I hope that clarification helps.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Gimble, that is exactly what Dr. Harley said, I heard it too, and even called to discuss it with him. So did many others on this site. And yes, he also said that BS should consent, but that was also discussed on the radio.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I tell ya what, Gimble, I will buy the MP3 archive for you if I can find it. How about that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I tell ya what, Gimble, I will buy the MP3 archive for you if I can find it. How about that? Melody, you and I have argued this point before. I see no reason to repeat it. You have your view, I have mine. Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Melody, you and I have argued this point before. I see no reason to repeat it. You have your view, I have mine. And Dr Harley has his Gimble.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Unfortunately, the archives only back to March 20th, 2006 and this show was on Feb 16, 2006 so it is not there. However, it is wrong to dismiss it out of hand as "hearsay" when several here heard the show. It was a hotly debated issue at the time and I called the show myself and discussed that very remark with him. It is not mere hearsay.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I tell ya what, Gimble, I will buy the MP3 archive for you if I can find it. How about that? Melody, you and I have argued this point before. I see no reason to repeat it. You have your view, I have mine. Gimble Wait a minute, Gimble, I have taken no position here, I am only pointing out that Dr. Harley DID make that remark. It is not a rumor, but a true fact. That is not a matter of "OPINION," but a matter of FACT. You may disagree on exposure, but you can't disagree on what he said.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Unfortunately, the archives only back to March 20th, 2006 and this show was on Feb 16, 2006 so it is not there. However, it is wrong to dismiss it out of hand as "hearsay" when several here heard the show. It was a hotly debated issue at the time and I called the show myself and discussed that very remark with him. It is not mere hearsay. I am sure that Dr(s) Harley have no intention of seeing children potentially harmed. I quoted Willard Harley's letter a couple of posts back. Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Other than normal risks of life, neither moral obligations or common sense would ever require you to place the safety of your children on the alter of probabilities. Gimble... I see nothing to substantiate this claim of harm to the children...It seems like an irrational fear to me... Mrs. W P.S. Stop picking on me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Other than normal risks of life, neither moral obligations or common sense would ever require you to place the safety of your children on the alter of probabilities. Gimble... I see nothing to substantiate this claim of harm to the children...It seems like an irrational fear to me... Mrs. W P.S. Stop picking on me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> The betrayed spouse fears for his family, which would include his children. Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Unfortunately, the archives only back to March 20th, 2006 and this show was on Feb 16, 2006 so it is not there. However, it is wrong to dismiss it out of hand as "hearsay" when several here heard the show. It was a hotly debated issue at the time and I called the show myself and discussed that very remark with him. It is not mere hearsay. I am sure that Dr(s) Harley have no intention of seeing children potentially harmed. I quoted Willard Harley's letter a couple of posts back. Gimble Gimble, you guess at how Dr. Harley might "feel" but you dismiss his quote from the radio show? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Frankly, I have no idea how Dr Harley would feel about this specific situation, and neither do you. The point is that the comment from the radio show is not a mere rumor. He said it. I have no idea what he would say about this particular situation, though.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Other than normal risks of life, neither moral obligations or common sense would ever require you to place the safety of your children on the alter of probabilities. Gimble... I see nothing to substantiate this claim of harm to the children...It seems like an irrational fear to me... Mrs. W P.S. Stop picking on me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> The betrayed spouse fears for his family, which would include his children. Gimble I just don't think the fears are rational...I notice the FWS is not as fearful of OM, and unfortunately she does know OM best... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Unfortunately, the archives only back to March 20th, 2006 and this show was on Feb 16, 2006 so it is not there. However, it is wrong to dismiss it out of hand as "hearsay" when several here heard the show. It was a hotly debated issue at the time and I called the show myself and discussed that very remark with him. It is not mere hearsay. I am sure that Dr(s) Harley have no intention of seeing children potentially harmed. I quoted Willard Harley's letter a couple of posts back. Gimble Gimble, you guess at how Dr. Harley might "feel" but you dismiss his quote from the radio show? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Frankly, I have no idea how Dr Harley would feel about this specific situation, and neither do you. The point is that the comment from the radio show is not a mere rumor. He said it. I have no idea what he would say about this particular situation, though. The only source of a direct quote I have from Dr. Harley is quoted below; "The two most important rules for surviving an affair are to 1) never see or talk to the lover again (and create extraordinary conditions to guarantee that outcome), and 2) follow a plan for marital recovery that leads to a mutual feeling of romantic love (with emphasis on the Policy of Undivided Attention, the Policy of Radical Honesty, and the Policy of Joint Agreement as outlined in "Fall in Love, Stay in Love." There are other rules that are optional, such as letting the lover's spouse know about the affair, since it would be the caring thing to do. But it's optional, and has little bearing on the success of a marriage when the two most important rules are followed. While I encourage revealing the affair to the lover's spouse, it's not necessary, and if your husband objects, I wouldn't do it. But the other rules cannot be compromised. You simply must not ever see this man again and you and your husband must both follow the Policy of Undivided Attention (15 hours a week that are set aside to meet the emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment), the Policy of Radical Honesty (to become completely transparent to each other), and the Policy of Joint Agreement. If either you or your husband fail to follow these rules, you are not likely to recover from this affair. I hope that clarification helps. Best wishes Willard F. Harley, Jr. " Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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I just don't think the fears are rational...I notice the FWS is not as fearful of OM, and unfortunately she does know OM best...
Mrs. W There is no fear where fact may abound. You are not privy to their situation. The husband is, and is not so foggy as the wife, who does not know the other man best, only the other man knows himself best. Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Yes, Gimble, I read that. But that has nothing to do with the issue at hand or the validity of Dr Harley's statement above. The issue at hand is exposure. He also has said this: While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.
Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.
So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mrs. W
No I do not think he would do actual physical harm to our children. However, LaLa and I are an entirely different story which indirectly would do harm to our children should I end up in jail or the hospital or possibly worse.
ML,
I wish there was an archive of that show because I sure would like to hear it for myself. If you come acrossed it let me know.
I'm a very logical person. When faced with a decision I metally way the pros versus cons and for me my kids security will always outweigh anything else. It is a very difficult instinct to fight. I guess what it comes down to is I'm just trying to make my peace with the possible outcome once we expose to OMW.
Want2Stay
BS-me 36 FWW-34 DS-7 & DS-3 PA - 7/06-8/06 EA - 6/06-1/07 D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06 Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07 My StoryMy Wife's Story --------------------- Healing one day at a time.....
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Yes, Gimble, I read that. But that has nothing to do with the issue at hand or the validity of Dr Harley's statement above. The issue at hand is exposure. I said I wouldn't argue with you about exposure. Dr. Harley says it is optional. Here it is again; "There are other rules that are optional, such as letting the lover's spouse know about the affair, since it would be the caring thing to do. But it's optional, and has little bearing on the success of a marriage when the two most important rules are followed. While I encourage revealing the affair to the lover's spouse, it's not necessary, and if your husband objects, I wouldn't do it." Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Harley There are other rules that are
optional , such as letting the lover's spouse Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public Well that's cleared that up for me. The words optional and suggestion tell me it is individual decision made by each couple.
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W2S,
All discusions of MB practices aside it comes down to one question you need to answer for yourself. If you do expose, can you go to work without feeling anxious about anything happening to Lala or the kids?
FBH 44
FWW 41
DD 16
DD 11
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W2S, I understand your dilemma and understand you have to take everything into consideration. The situation that Dr Harley was addressing was an affair that had been exposed 4 years after it had ended. It was hotly debated on the board at the time. The question was about whether it was WRONG to expose to the BS after all that time. There is no other context that would expand on that quote, except to say that it should be a mutual decision after the affair is so long dead. [unless, of course, it is your spouse] Dr. Harley believes that the affair should ALWAYS be exposed to the BS and to the children.
But again, it has to be mutually decided. His principles are SUGGESTIONS, not mandates.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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