Ditto. I just did both.




Ya just did.

Thanks LaLa.

Hey Lala....

I missed your other post at first. I will definitely be praying for yours and your families safety. I cannot tell you how bad I will feel if that scumbag even comes close to any of you. I will almost feel responsible because I pushed it so much. I feel certain that God will help though if we're trying to do the right thing.

Heck, just let me know if the scumbag starts something. I'm PMSing and ready to roll.....lol......

(Sorry men) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi. Me again. I tell ya, ya don't see me for awhile and then I just won't go away...hahaha....

No seriously. I wanted to come back and tell you how much I appreciate your concern for me. It really means a lot to me. Thank you.

My husband found a really good counselor who we've just started to see. I really think she's going to lead me, and maybe us, into a healthy recovery. She seems far more qualified than any of the other counselors we've seen so far.

I am withdrawn right now. I haven't spoken to my H for two days now. However, I am still functioning. I've been a bit too down for my homework so I really need to work on that tommorow.

It is really hard to explain where I'm coming from without writing a book (like W2S....*ducking*....lol....) so, I won't. Just know I am in good hands with this new counselor and I think soon I will have a better grasp on things.

Thanks again for your concern and say "Hi" to W2S for me. I think he is a good man. You two are gonna be fine.


{{{{{LaLa}}}}}}

Hahahaha <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LMAO! Will do! We'll alert all the GODDESSES and have a team flogging!

He won't, though, he's a coward like most of 'em (OMs, that is). Plus, I trust that the Lord will protect us and keep us safe. Bad things happen to good people all the time, though. We just have to do the right thing, and then let whatever happens-happen, knowing HE will be there to comfort us.

Between my PMS and the GODDESSESS? Man, we would tear him up!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I was posting while you were...just saw your last one.

I am so glad you are happy with your new councelor. I really hope she brings you through this. If you ever need to talk, just send me a PM and I will call you. We have nationwide long distance, so it wouldn't even cost me anything. I'm sorry that you are feeling so down, though. I know the light at the end of the tunnel can't be seen, yet, but it's there! I feel at least partially responsible for your pain, though. You reached out to me and I was so angry that I lashed out at you and others here at first, and even though you stuck it out with me, I felt like I brought up a lot of anger that you still had from your own sitch. This may be presumptuous of me, though- sorry if it is. But it is also why I have wanted to do whatever I can to pull you back up...even if it's just to cheer you up!

You're right about my DH. He is the best. My father made a joking comment tonight about "How did she (talking to my M about me) get two such SWEET boys!" I said, "They get that from their father." You know what my dad said...he said "You are a great mom, but you are right, W2S is one of the nicest people I've ever met!" I couldn't believe my ears. This is the man (my F) who was dead set against our M from the beginning. He didn't know my DH very well b4 I married him. I met him in college and we didn't spend much time with my parents, b/c they were fuming about me leaving college and blamed it all on him. So, after almost thirteen years, it was great to hear him say that!

just my 2 cents... LaLa, in reading that you were hesitant to post here I can understand that, BUT! most of us here are trying to rebuild or hold on to our marriage, as in forgiving our WSs, so it seems that your waywardness should not be held against you, right? Probably not making much sense, but I know what I mean ;-) You are a ray of light to many of us hoping for the As to end and for our WSs to come home!

Thanks Serenity! I have been following your thread and I was just so sad for you when you saw that email. I didn't even know what to say. I was that far gone, too, though, and have tried to use that to let people here know that if my stubborn [censored] can finally see the truth, there is hope for most people- given the right set of circumstances.

Your kind words are much appreciated!!

Oh LaLa......such a big heart.

I'd be lying if I said your thread didn't bring up some hurt feelings in me. It did. But it also brought up some better feelings for me as a result of it. It made me push through my own pain and grow as a person too. It felt good to forgive you and I hope you will forgive me. I feel bad about the 2x4's still, I'm sorry. But just look at you now! You are all over this board helping other people. That makes it all worth it, and I have a new friend to boot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am bursting with joy that you and your dad love W2S as much as I think he loves you. I am so happy for your family LaLa. That's what it's all about. That's what W2S was fighting for. He is your hero.

And thank you for the offer to talk. I might take you up on that one day.

Take care girlfriend.

Peace out.

Sorry, I go to jump in here. These two are the ray of light that helps me hold on to hope (not much of that right now though, I'm going there next). W2S has been so supportive and Lala has been so open and honest about what she is going through (see you guy got me crying too). I don't know where I’d be without them. I am so glad that they found this place because otherwise we would be without them which would be a major loss. Sorry for the tear jerker, but I really love you guys, you've been a big part of pulling me out of the depths of despair to help me continue on. You are part of my heart now and will always be thankful.

I just wrote this over the last few minutes and then saw your posts mopey and tmts (when I refreshed the screen to post it), and I want to say that I love you guys, too. You have been such a huge part of our recovery. The following is long, but bear with me...

I wanted to give you guys an update on going to the doc for AD, etc. Basically my personal recovery, I guess. I am almost glad at this point that it has taken so long for our insurance cards to get here. The last week has been another major shift in perception/realization. I have gone much farther back in my life to identify what it is that defined me up until the last month or so.

As many here have heard me and W2S talk about, I have always had issues with AO, and anger in general. DH says he almost got used to it and stopped internalizing it as much as possible b/c he recognized it form the beginning as stemming from childhood and the way I was raised. my parents were very judgemental and negative people. They put very little trust in people and are the first to point out any and all fault or flaws in others, but especially each other and the immediate family. DH and I started our relationship as direct targets of theirs b/c I literally walked away from college in my senior year. They blamed my DH and our R for my decision completely. What they did not realize is that the pressures they had put on me from childhood on had caught up with me, and I was literally DONE. I wanted peace. We started out our M in financial disaster and worked our way up form bankruptcy to having a very successful business (him) and career (me). We were proud of our accomplishments, but underlying all of it was my inability to be happy.

I know now that a huge part of my personality is based in addictive behaviors and constantly searching for things to make me feel better in the moment, so as not to have to face reality. Hard work has never been my strong suit since I walked away from college (before that, hard work was my life...academically, spiritually, musically, etc). But once I had had enough, I fell into despair, and even though I had the most wonderful man in my life, I sought out other ways to replace the part of my life that was lost. In doing so, I started smoking pot every day. I don't need to get into all the negative aspects of this drug, as I'm sure you are all aware...but lack of work ethic and moodiness were the top two. Incidentally, I convinced myself that I was totally against clinical treatment and did not trust pharmaceuticals to help me. I called pot my "natural prozac." How funny that is to me now...as it made my mood swings ten times worse than anything else (besides harder drugs) could. I am four months clean now, after smoking an OZ each week for the better part of ten years. I also realize why my pregnancies were so miserable. I loathed being pregnant, and although I know many women feel that way and for good reason, MY reason was b/c I couldn't smoke. i give you this example b/c I want you to realize the extent that it controlled my life for so long. I didn't want to go anywhere w/o smoking first, and then when I smoked, I didn't want to go b/c I was stoned! I would crash a short time later and become grumpy until I got high again.

This is the life I have given my DH. He had to wake up every morning wondering what mood I would be in that day and walk on eggshells so as not to upset me. I am not saying we had a terrible life, because as he pointed out last night, it was not always like that and he doesn't see our life together as some horrible thing, but rather very happy for the most part. I am just coming to terms with how my decisions have affected our lives.

I made him a promise last night. I no longer feel those things inside that made me crave a way out. A quick fix. I do not wish to run away any more from anything, good or bad, and bury my head in the sand. Gone are the demons that once ruled my life. I have come clean with my DH about my A, I have given up pot, I have re-connected with my parents, my brother (my sister is yet to come, she is extremely busy and career oriented and 2200 miles away!), my DH parents, and most importantly, my DH. Luckily, my children have always been the center of my world, so much so that they never knew there was a problem and have always been given all of my love unconditionally. Not that I didn't have bad days with them when I was especially down or they were especially ornery! BUT, all parents go through this, and so I am grateful that they were blissfully unaware of any of this, and are also young enough that the changes I make now will be how they will always remember me.

My commitment is to my husband and my immediate family, many of whom I have exposed myself to about the A and the addiction. This will be my accountability team, as are you. They have been told my patterns and my DH especially will know what to look for in case of relapse. I want to make my husband happy. I don't want him to worry about what condition I will be in or how he will be treated on a daily basis. I do want to honor him for the incredible love he has shown me over the past 13 years, and especially the last two. He is a wonderful person, totally devoid of direspect or misplaced anger. He has never treated me as anything but a queen, even though many times I did not deserve it. He said to me last night that I always criticized him for not going to bat for me or sticking up for me/protecting me. But that is what he done all of our lives together...protected me from what others may say about me and my attitude. This will no longer be his position! I do not want to be that person anymore. I always said the reason he treated me so well was because I DEMANDED it and would ACCEPT NOTHING LESS... and he knew it! (barf) But that is so stupid/egotistical/shallow! I need the reason that he treats me that way to be because I DESERVE IT because that is HOW WE TREAT EACH OTHER at all times.

I am choosing to NOT go on meds, because over the last week as I work through these issues, I realize I have EVERY reason to be happy. I do not need an outside force or drug to make it so. I am choosing to NO longer wallow in my anger or sorrow over my existance, but to rejoice in it- good and bad. I will do this with my loving husband and children and our families whom I have hidden from since the beginning of our relationship.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I am long-winded by proxy (had to do it honey!). The people on this board who have helped me directly and indirectly (by sharing their stories) have been instrumental in my current state of being, and I will be forever grateful to you all!

Do you sit there trying to figure out new ways to make me cry? You know my story and I can relate so much with your experiences with pot. I realized that this was about the most dangerous drug to get addicted to (Yes I know there is no proof of physical addiction, but that makes it even more dangerous, because the addiction is physiological). This is simply because it takes away your will to LIVE. Not in a, I want to commit suicide kind of way, but to actually live life. All you want is to do nothing. I would be happy to just sit there and stare at a wall, I found the silliest simplest computers games would be as much as I would want to do, maybe play online poker. I am so proud of you for doing this for you and your family.

LaLa,

You are amazing. You are growing by leaps and bounds. I wish you well in your personal recovery. I know it will be hard and I pray that you will succeed. And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I envy your honesty. I'm not totally quite there yet. I have my own demons to face. Just not ready yet.

I am as proud of you as I can possibly be.

TMTS......

I think you need a hug. {{{{{TMTS}}}}}

I can feel God's presence on this board. It feels so comforting to me.

Thanks both of you. You are a big part of it, ya know! I feel His presence as well, and it has given me the strength to own up to mySELF.

TMTS, I just posted 2u. I stared at the screen for a couple minutes in shock b4 I was able to even THINK, let alone type, after I read your post that she did it! DH is going to be upset also. I'm sure he will call you tomorrow or Monday-what time is best?

You rock LaLa

Co-signed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Thanks, you two!

YOU ROCK HARDER for helping me see...

How ya feeling Mrs. W?

Startin' to feel like my ole devilish self again tonight! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for asking! I hope you are feeling as great as you sound! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Lala - tomorrow between 10am and 3 pm. She'll be working

Feeling pretty good these last few days! I would be much better if I wasn't in so much pain, though. I hope the antibiotics kick in soon! Getting really sick of dealing with it at this point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />