12/11 [color:"red"]EDITED MY POST TO HELP YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING MUCH BETTER...VERY LONG BUT PLEASE READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS A BEAT, THANKS.

Thank everyone who has responded. It means a lot. If anyone is reading the first post in this thread and feel like they can help, please do.[/color]


Hello, I wish I had found out about this website and forum soon after I found out my husband was sleeping around. I think it could've helped tremendously as to how I could've handled things better.

Please read everything, it will help you gain a better perspective as to what has happened up until now.

***********It's worth reading.***********

Thank you in advance.


A little background info about my marriage.
I'm 26 my husband is 43 going on 44. This is my first marriage this is his fourth. We have two young children together...our daughter was born this past summer. I was born and raised Catholic but was saved in 2004 and baptized in 2006. My husband says he is saved and tells me his calling is to be a preacher, that he has the gift of prophecy and healing. Our educational and cultural backgrounds are very different. I was raised with 2 parents around who showed me what a good solid marriage is and his mother gave him up when he was a baby and was raised by his great grandmother. I turned to books to keep my interest, he turned to the streets. I am a firm believer that education is important, he doesn't believe that. Me and my husband have been married for almost 4 years and have been separated for a little over 7 months now living in different states.

Our age difference is 17 yrs. We have 2 children together. We grew up VERY different, households, parenting, education, hobbies, relationships, culture, etc.

Our marriage from the beginning seemed SO GOOD as most marriages seem to be...then about a second week living together he started to do more things without me always leaving me at home by myself or me ending up doing things by myself even though I would invite him or suggest that we do things together. He was always in the streets. Well that basically set the tone for our marriage. This is my first marriage it is his 4th, but I knew marriage was not supposed to be like that.

I'm his 4th wife and our daughter who i just gave birth to is (from what I know) his 10th child. He's 17 years older than me (does not look old though). I was a virgin when I met him, only knew him for 3 mos, got married...so as maybe now you can see why this is hard for me. But from reading all of your responses, getting counsel from my pastors, and praying (I do pray about this), I used to think it was something that I DIDN'T do. But it's him. I was always catering to his needs more than mine...I stayed with my son when I wasn't working while he was out doing whatever, I cooked, I cleaned, I worked and foolishly let him have total control of the finances. When I wanted to go back to school so I could take up nursing and make ALL of our lives better he told me I was selfish.


The first 3 years in a nutshell
Over the course of 3 years we would do some thnings together but it was like he wanted to keep me hidden for whatever reasons. Then I got pregnant with our 1st child (he has many other children from multiple women) and he seemed more distant but then it got a little better. I felt like I had to compete for his time and attention b/c he was always out with only God knows who and doing only God knows what...which I truly believe at first he wasn't doing anything wrong...but me not setting boundaries I felt like he took that as a sign that it was ok to do whatever he wanted to. I have never cheated on him and was usually at home or the bookstore if I wasn't working.

I left the fall of 2006 b/c it was like he changed all of a sudden and was telling me our marriage was not going to work and he didn't want to be married anymore, etc. So even after talking to him and asking him to go to counseling with me he refused and we left..we were separated for a month and a half. I made a wrong decision at the time to leave so soon, letting my emotions get to me. We got back together b/c his mom (living with us at the time) and aunt were worried about the welfare of me and our child. It was hard at first, but I was showing him Christ-like love and being kind to him even though he would be very mean to me.

Spring 2007...things go downhill, FAST!
I started telling him lies about some money I was supposed to get through my family to get his attention and I thought that would be enough or him to stay with me. I did it for attention hoping he would want to stay married but it backfired, of course. I didn't do it to hurt him, I wanted the marriage to work so bad and for us to spend time together w/our son. His mom lived with us, so that made matters worse and his two oldest children were reunited with him which I helped him find his daughter but that caused such a division/separation in our home and it seemed like there were 2 families, not one. Iknow it was stupid to tell crazy lies like that... If I was ever disloyal to him that would be the times I was.

Things still did not change he was stil going out on his own coming home anytime he wanted to, but I kept lying.

In March my husband was involved in a shooting that claimed a young man's life. My husband shot back in self-defense (I know, I was there when it happened) and was really affected that he killed the young man but didn't know he did 'till later on. So we all end up staying at his brother's house in a near-by city b/c he felt it was unsafe for us to be there. At first he was with me and my son at his brother's hosue sleeping with us, then he started sleeping over his sister's house (about a mile away) b/c he didn't want to stay there b/c he felt his brother's wife did not keep the house up.

Then gradually he started only sleeping with us like 2-3 times a week...claiming to be over at his sister's house sleeping. We were still paying bills at the otherhouse and when the lights went out, he decided to stay there to guard our belongings and the house.

I had suspicions that through all this he was having an affair. I asked God to reveal it to me and confirm it. He did. I admitted myself to the hospital to get checked out and the doctor gave me a pelvic exam and told me I had an infection, and that it was an STD. So FOR SURE Iknow I didn't give it to myself and the only person I have contracted it from was myhusband. I was so devasted how he claims to be holy and goes outside of our marriage and passes on an STD to me and our unborn child. I call him and he tells me to get out of "his" (at this time we are back at our house but he's staying elsewhere saying it isn't safe for him to be there) and of course I take our almost 2 year old with me.

We end up staying with a friend from church for 2 weeks, during those 2 weeks he didn't try to contact me or wasn't even concerned if I had money or food, diapers, etc. Then when he did contact me he told me to call his mom so we could stay with her...basically he didn't want anymore repsonsibilities.

Before that he would be so critical of me, making me feel bad and guilty for things that I shouldn't even be feeling guilty about. It was b/c of his own guilt that he was treating me bad. I remember he was driving me to work and he told me that it burns his soul when people lie. (When he was doing the lying all along) Cuz he thought I was lying about going places (when he was). Then I tell him that I married him b/c I believe he is a good guy and he says "I am" and then comes back with "I though you were a good girl but I learned other wise." He was transferring all his guilt on me and just basically abandoned and rejected me and the kids and I say the kids b/c he doesn't call to know how they are doing. He didn't even call me when I gave birth to our 2nd child.

Over the next weeks/months me and the kids relocated to be with family. I try to talk to him about us working it out and he tells me we are not getting back together and that it's over. I kept asking him why.

August
He says I just don't want to be married I don't have to have acreason to not want to be married. He was always pushing me and demanding me to go ahead and file for divorce. Trying to give me all sorts of reasons why I should be the one to file. So next time I spoke to him I asked him if he wants it so bad then why won't he file and he says that I can do more in the state I'm in than the state he's in b/c we got married in the state I'm in now.
Then he starts to ignore my phone calls and always says whenever I call him I catch him at a bad time...so he would have to call me.

September
I try to take things into my own hands and fix the situation hoping he would see what he is doing to a family of three. That didn't work. I spoke to him very recently asking again and that it's not all about him, he has a family--a wife and kids. Then he confessed that he already has a girlfriend and she is living in the house with him that's why he wants a divorce. Then he told me I don't know why you're waiting on me...you need to find yourself a job and a place to stay. And I say you're just going to leave your family for "her" ? He couldn't say anything except, "I'll talk to you later."

I had another pap smear done (after post partum 6 week checkup) and it came back abnormal...he also gave me HPV. Lucklily my coloscopy turned out ok and I don't have an cells that are cancerous, but have to get a papsmear done every 6 mos until it clears up on its own and to make sure what I have doesn't turn into cervical cancer. I was going to tell him and feels like he needs to know b/c he's spreading it around but then it may put more lies in his head.

He texted me and one of the texts said "you are so low-down you closed the bank account and didn't tell me (there was nothing in it)" and I texted back telling him what nerve he has saying that when he's the one who had an affair behind my back, gave me and our daughter an STD, forged and cashed my paycheck, doesn't call about the kids, and abandoned his wife and kids for another woman."

then he texted back "they are my kids but you are not my wife because a wife doesn't lie to her husband" and then I texted back "and a husband doesn't sleep around." But I called him and you know what gets me if he is so turned off by me why does he still text me back and answer his phone?

I told him to file if he wants a divorce so bad and he was like "ok, I'll file."

October
I say things and try to fix it myself...didn't work. changed his number. I had to tell him I'm planning to go overseas with my family to further my education (and start a business) and needed to send him a notarized letter via certified mail letting him know I'm taking the children out of the country. He just hung up on me so I had to give the msg to his mom. Honestly, he acts like he doesn't care...not even for the children. He's not even fighting for them.

I'm going to be gone for about 3 years, I might be able to visit the U.S. during spring. also left out that I'm keeping the lines of communication open by lettinh him know. Giving him a number where he can reach us and an address..also have a place on the internet so he can see videos/pics of the kids (once I upload them/set it up). At the same time I'm not going to chase him he's going to have to want to know about them.

November
girlfriend ended up calling me wanting to speak to me and gave me his number. Trust me when I say it was shocking!

she called to talk to me to tell me everything. how he was with her at the hotel room almost every night after the shooting. how they're going to be together tonight. She's 6 years younger than me. She knows about OUR TWO childrenand she told me he denies our daughter.

She told me that she wanted to be woman to woman about it and wanted to share with me and I told her I appreciate it. She also was like how are you going to work on your marriage when you're not toggether and I told her because of my faith and patience and let it be the will of God. Then she told me he said that God is showing him everyday how they're supposed to be together and I told her that is not of God. God wouldn't sway you to leave your wife and children for someone else.

I also told her what makes you think he's going to be committed to

you when if he does divorce me and marry you, you will be his 5th wife and that how will you know he son't do what he did to me to you when he left me for you?

She was also like well I got him taken care of he's going to be alright with me. He loves me and I love him...we're going to be together.

BUT then she was like yeah well I told him I was leaving him if he wasn't going to get a divorce. She is wasn't sure what she wanted.

I told her he likes to mess with young girls because he knows they are easy to manipulate and they put up with a lot of **** than dating an older woman his age (43).

i was planning to leave the country with our kids so i can make a much better life for them upon my return and i needed him to sign some papers for me and get them notarized....i don't think he'll do it.

I called him at his new number a couple of days after I talked to the OW and asked him about the passport consent forms that he has to sign and get notarized and all of a sudden it's like he cares about the kids. The way he explained things, he wants to "make a deal" you can go out of the country to make a better life for the kids and sign these divorce papers when I send them to you. He said that b/c he got mad that his girlfriend called me and she told him I said I wasn't going to sign at all. I didn't say that. I said I wasn't just going to sign without an attorney to look it over with me...I'm not just going to give my rights away like that.

God has opened a door for me to make a better life for me and my kids upon us returning to the U.S., he doesn't want to sign them. He even said "well then you ust have to sign the divorce papers (uncontested) and then you can go to he other country and when you come back I'm sure you'll find a way to find me" It was like he was saying I'm not even going to call to see if the kids are ok there and if they need anything. I told him this is not about me or him, this is about the kids and I thought he would understand that what I'm doing is for the kids so I won't have to struggle. Not once in these past 6 months has he called to ask how they are doing or if they need anything. Then I said "so you want me to just rely mainly on welfare, be on the waiting list for housing and daycare and perhaps just remain mediocre? And his response was like "that's not my problem" Then that was the only time he even mentioned anything about them (kids)..I don't want him to stop me from going. I feel like he's using the kids as his pawns, all of a sudden he cares about them. He says he's going to file for divorce and he just wants me to sign it and have it sent back without consulting with an attorney to look over it. No child custody or support order, etc. I have opened a child support case. He doesn't know that, hasn't even mentioned it or asked me if I opened one up.

HIs girlfriend is something else, I know they had a big argument about her calling me. And I let him know that's how I even got his number. She has him believing her, everyone is playing games.

I don't understand how he can be so unloving towards his family, this is his family And how that woman wants to permanently break up a home and is okay with going out with a married man that left his wife and two very young children. I have to read about anger, retaliation, and loving and praying for my enemies, I can't harbor this anger and unforgiveness in my heart.

******some other info about other wives******
believe the 1st one filed first b/c he told me he signed the papers when he was in prison (this happened about 14-15 yrs ago) I know the 2nd and 3rd filed first. The second wife filed Dec 2000 and was finalized Jan. 2001 (uncontested, they had 1 child together). Then March 31, 2001 he married his 3rd wife. He said it lasted for only 3 months, his side of the story is that she was not "acting right" and that she had boyfriends and he was living a lie...but I know that part of that problem was him, too. Then I asked him about that marriage as to why did he want to marry her and he told me she was the one to ask him to marry her...he said he was just listening to his mom b/c his mom advised him that it would be good (financially) for him and his wife (she was in the military, enlisted though, not an officer). Anyhow, she filed a year and some months after they separated and it was finalized the next month. He has 1 child with the first wife, 1 child with the second wife and no children with the 3rd. He does pay child support for the child conceived in his first marriage only and child support for other children he had in previous relationships...and now our 2 children.

I know there were MANY red flags that I didn't pay attention to. I was 22 going on 23 and was really, REALLY innocent. All I cared about was that this man was going to be my husband. I didn't think about the problems and that I would be able to change him.

I asked him before we got married and when he proposed why did he want to marry me, what did he see in me that he didn't see in all those other women and he told me that he was tired of the same old thing--the "hood-rats". And I'm not trying to be conceited so please don't think that but it seemed he was proud that he had a wife who's educated, has morals and values, I know he was attracted to my virginity in which he became my "first", I don't smoke, do drugs, party, go to clubs, and I have always been faithful, etc.

When I spoke to him and told him I was giving him a certain amount of time to sign the consent forms, have them notarized then sent back to me he got mad and said, "what time frame?!" He has a lot of anger in his heart...

I don't want to divorce him now, I feel right now it is ok for me to get a legal separation. This is VERY hard for me. Divorce is not common on both sides of my family. My dad's mom never remarried or even dated after her husband died at the age of 50 and my mom's mom and dad got to celebrate 53 years of marriage before my grandfather died of heart complications. My maternal grandmother never remarried or dated. On my dad's side only 1 person is divorced and that is b/c he was forced to marry a girl he really didn't love but believed their child was his. On my mom's side only 2 people are divorced, my aunt who divorced her cheating husband b/c she was sending him money to help him go through dental school while she was working in the U.S., and her daughter who divorced her husband b/c she felt like they were both going in totally different directions and her husband was just satisfied with being complacent and depending on his mom and dad to take care of him. So this is very hard for me. Yes I did know about almost everything my husband has gone through, 3 marriages, lots of children, previous drug dealing, etc. but I had so much faith in him.

Early December...I know we're not in highschool anymore.
I told [Hubby] that I can't stop him from filing. But I WILL NOT sign uncontested. I told him about the passport application for the kids and how he has to sign them and get them notarized since he isn't physically present to sign--new law passed in 2001 requires both parents' signature if both names on birth certificate. At first when we talked after I got hold of his new number, he said he will not sign them unless I sign the divorce papers (said he will file) uncontested, that means no court order for child support or custody, etc. I still can get passports for them by providing proof I attempted to get his signature but couldn't, in which I recently sent the documents via certified mail and got my letters of intent notarized, which almost cost $50.

Then this past Monday he called and asked if I sent them and I told him he should get them in 3-5 days. His tone changed and he seemed pleasant for once. Then he hasked me if "that girl" has called me and I told him "yeah but she's not going to break my spirit" and then he said "oh ok b/c I don't talk to her either" Then the next day he called and asked me if I sent money with the papers b/c he doesn't have any and I told him I'll see what I can do. But at the same time I'm thinking this punk doesn't even care if I have money to take care of OUR children!

Then I started to get more private phone calls...then today I texted a number back that called me and it was his gf's number. This is how it went. My thoughts are italicized.

Me: I'm just returning this call, who is this?

Her: [Girlfriend] just thanking you for the good advice you gave

Me: oh what advice did i give?

Her: In other words how men can be so low down the ones you really shouldn't fool with.

Me: Oh, what happened (and I know I should've left it alone after that)

Her: I have to let you hear it by mouth once I'm alone

Then [Hubby] calls me. I can't answer b/c I only have less than one unit left.


So we start texting.

Me: I can't talk b/c I don't have alot of units left. Where should I send this money?

Him: Didn't I tell your dumb tail, Jr's house (in Missouri, he won't give me the address where he's really at) by the way, why are you texting [Girlfriend]?

Me: She's been calling me and I was returning this new number on my phone.

Then she's texting me too: Your husband crazy.

Him: What's up with the divorce papers, I am not signing them papers until you sign the divorce papers.

Me: I am NOT signing them uncontested and without an attorney.

Him: You are so dumb I don't know why you won't sign them papers because we will never be together...you will never take my name across seas (it's my decision to keep my last name or not!), right?

Me: It's me decision to keep it, no court order can take it from me.

Him: I am sitting beside [Girlfriend] reading the texts so how is she calling you private and you texting her, you a big liar and I do not like you none what so ever.

Me: She's been calling me private, I was returning this call for a new number I did not recognize.

Him: Only thing you have to do is sign those papers and you go your way and I'll go mine. (but he's already going his way)

Me: I told you I'm not signing uncontested. Bottom line, you sign we're going, you don't sign we're still going. God's working in our favor I already claimed it.

Girlfriend: I didn't call you private the very firsrt time when I called from my home phone nor when I called from my cousin's cell and now my cell today. (but only after I wouldn't pick up all thos times she called private.)

Him: The only thing I want is for you to sign those papers I just want my name.

Me: I;m not signing without a lawyer. You can't make me compromise my beliefs. I'm going to give our kids a great life. Stop using them to get what you want.

Him: You are not going to let those kids go over there unless you sign those papers.

Me: We;re going to go either way.

Him: Not with my name you need your name on it.

Me: Oh, NOW you're concerned about the kids. I'm the one providing for them. You haven't given me a penny to help. You're using this to blackmail me to get what you want.

Him: I haven't used them for nothing the kids have nothing to do with you signing the divorce papers, [Girlfriend] is the next [Lastname] (ok, the kids will come from a broken family, there will be no court order for anything if it's uncontested...and can you believe like it's ok and dandy to go on to a 5th marriage???!!!!!!!!!)

Him: So stop putting kids in it.

Me: Your gf is sick...[Hubby] you're better than this?

Him: Who sick? You sick w/cancer. (possibility HPV-human papilloma virus caught from him can turn into cervical cancer, have to get checked every 3-6 months)

Me: [Hubby], you're just blinded by your sins...you're better than this.

Girlfriend: [Hubby] said you living in sin knowing he wants a divorce and you rebel. (what in the world...he can file! I can't stop him, but I'm smart enough to not file uncontested.)

Me: I am not signing without my attorney.

Girlfriend: You're the one sick without your man too bad he wants me sorry he's ticking you off and let the babies know they have a little brother or sister on the way...(hurts, but doesn't surprise me)

Girlfriend: [Bad name], I didn't give you [anything], I'm sorry your husband was sleeping around some women in Jacksonville don't get it twisted but he is okay now so God Bless. (so he was sleeping around with more women...while he left me and our son at his brother's house)

Me to Hubby: You can file, I'm not signing uncontested. Remember the state we got married in, it's a community property state.

Him: That don't mean [anything] so if you trying to get technical about it I know people in California (I know he's bluffing)

Girlfriend: Be blessed tell the kids we love them, don't text us anymore.

Me to Hubby: I'm going to give them a good life, I don't need your "ok"

Him: I want to give them a good life only thing I want is to be free from you let them know they have a brother or sister on the way Lord's not going to bless you because you are holding me back from doing what I need to do, you in the wrong AND YOU REBEL(but I'm not holding him back from filing, he's trying to hold me back by not signing the passport applications) (he's already free wityh what he's doing)

Me: Doesn't surprise me at all that there are more kids.

Him: you will be in our prayers and i just want to be free from all that nonsense you talking doesn't count so stop texting us please

Me: You told me you don't talk to her anymore. What happened to you? You're better than this.

Girlfriend: Thank you because he lied.

Him: you know what when did I tell you I didn't and we sit here and text you together you a big liar. (but he told me this past Monday)

##end of convo.


I have asked myself that question MANY times. "What where you thinking?" But, all has been said and done. There were many red flags. But I was so "in love" with him that I didn't think twice about them. Initially I was attracted to his "spirituality". I remember a letter I found from the woman he was with before me and it was addressed to another woman...basically telling her that my husband is not who he seems, knows a woman's weakness/weaknesses and is manipulative, also that he walks around like he's some saint but it not, and is controlling etc. Now that I see that stuff it's TRUE! And it hurts!!!

He would rarely take me somewhere with him, unless it was out of town,
When I wanted to go back to school he shot that idea down without even letting me explain how I could come up with the resources to go back despite having a young child at home. He wanted me to go to school via the internet instead..but you can't do that with nursing,
I couldn't even FREELY go grocery shopping and spend what I felt like I needed to so I can cook what I knew how to cook without making it seem like I had to ask him for permission,
We only had one vehicle, so I always had to ask to drive "his" truck,
When I would want to buy things to make the house look BETTER he would oppose,
Anytime I wanted to find a better paying job and even would be selected for interviews he would oppose,
When I started losing weight and fitting my size 5 jeans he questioned why am I doing that and why am I going back to the gym (where we met),
Didn't like for me to have friends,
Didn't like for me to be picked up by male deacons from the church (riding church van) or have conversations with them (which I knew what was appropriate to be talked about and what was not) but it was ok for him to have his female friends call him so he can "help" them,

And those things are just to name a FEW. Wow when I read that stuff in a way I really feel like I have been freed from him. His game will not work on me anymore. Well, if divorce comes then , really, what will I be losing?? Yes I love him, he's still my husband, but he cannot treat me like a doormat anymore.

For goodness sakes, the last time he talked to me he told me "The Lord will not bless you because you are keeping me from getting a divorce and doing what I need to do and you rebel."

I can't tell you how many times I just laugh thinking about that b/c that is not true whatsoever!!

I was deceived and believed him because I wasn't saved at the time and I was not reading the Word of God. So I couldn't tell whether what he was telling me was true nor could I tell if he was being genuine because I wasn't reading my Bible and didn't know what he was doing/saying did not align with God's word.

And the woman he's with...she's only 20...and now pregnant?!!! I was in her position but I KNEW it was wrong period to get involved with a married man. Believe me...I was ANGRY for days after finding out she is pregnant. But my husband's only making it worse for himself. He's started something and hasn't even finished with me. I do pray for them though.

Something happened to me before I was going to actually file for legal separation and though I knew all there was to know about the laws here in my state. And I now have a clearer picture as to what God wants me to do - to just leave him totally alone.

The last time any of us had contact he kept telling me he wants a divorce and his name back and that if I din't tell those lies I would've had "some of him" regarding the kids...I told him he's only hurting his relationship w/the kids and they can call when they're older. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> It was a real bitter conversation.

Now
The past couple of times I tried to talk to him for very important matters not regarding getting back together he would give his gf the phone to talk to me! They told me she is pregnant and that he is going to file for a divorce...but then I wonder if he really is b/c I found out his truck payment is about 4 mos past due and the car insurance was canceled. He won't tell me where he's staying...

We are both Christians and I know on my part I have repented and have decided to not call him anymore unless it is extremely important. He called me a big liar which I regret the lying so much and told me he doesn't like me whatsoever. He said he was going to change his number but has not...

Before that conversation even happened he called me after sveral days from a heated conversation and even asked if "that girl" called me and told me that he doesn't talk to her anymore either...and then the next time we talk it's like we're enemies again then he tells me to tell the kids they have a little bro or sis on the way...

Now I know I will never make the big mistake of lying to him to get attention or to compete for his time again and nor will I let him treat me like a doormat...I know I will have to set boundaries b/c I never did set them in the first place.

I am in the midst of making a big change career-wise and education-wise.

How can I make it better when he doesn't want to work it out?
What do you suggest I do in the meantime?
How do I know it is God's will for this marriage to be put back together?
Any biblical and practical advice?
Why would he tell me he isn't talking to her anymore and then let all that junk on the phone happen?
Why would he allow himself to get her pregnant knowing this can affect the divorce process (if he files) and that he is not totally out of this marriage?
What kind of woman is she still continuing to mess w/a married man knowing for sure he is married and that my husband ditched his 2 kids by me?
What do I do now??

PLEASE HELP
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I am in the midst of making a big change career-wise and education-wise.

How can I make it better when he doesn't want to work it out?
What do you suggest I do in the meantime?
How do I know it is God's will for this marriage to be put back together?
Any biblical and practical advice?

Welcome to marriage builders. Let's see - your husband is very different than you, wants to keep you hidden, doesn't do things with you, is out all the time doing "whatever", has been married 4 times, has numerous other children, wasn't there when yours was born, has a pregnant girlfriend, was involved in "justified homicide", doesn't pay his bills, is sticking around in hope that you are going to come into some money, beats his women before he throws them out..... did I miss anything?

What advice would you give to a friend?

Unfortunately the story of the Scorpion and the Frog immediately comes to mind. My only advice would be to put as much distance between yourself and your H as possible - for the sake of yourself and your children. The less influence he has on you and on them, the better.

hope you have a supportive family to move in with

I'm with family right now. Have been for the past 7 mos. I feel like it is partly my fault b/c I've done those stupid things to get his attention...but I felt like even it doesn't justify his infidelity.

Is there hope that he will change over time? I feel like he has to hit rock bottom to wake up.

I mean I have myself through these past 7 mos...

I know it seems crazy as to why I would want to get back with him if he was willing and truly made a change with actions backing up his words, I guess I was looking for some support or advice...

I know all of this is not my fault, but what would you think would come out of me not even contacting him anymore unless he calls me for whatever reason?

I know at this point I'm moving on to make a better life for me and our children and soon after I will be able to give them a comfortable life.

Even after me lying to get his attention and all of this other drama, do you think he would want to get back together if he sees a truly positive change within me and the kids?

Please, I don't have self-esteem problems, this is still a little hard...but each day is getting better.

The best predictor of a person's future behavior is their past behavior. Yes, he could change, but why should he? He doesn pretty much what he wants with no consequences at all.

You can make changes, and work on making a good life for yourself and your children. Maybe he will change and join you. But I would make him prove over a lengthy period that he HAS changed.

So even though I lied about that to get his attention that still shouldn't give him the ok to treat me like he has/is doing?

Welcome to this site.

I’m very sorry for all the pain he is putting you thru.

As Believer pointed out to you, your husband is overwhelmingly responsible for the tremendous difficulties and grief you are going thru.

Your lies were an attempt to restore things and since there are much better ways that you will learn on this site (like plan B), just put that behind you, no one will hold it against you anymore. “You are forgiven” If I can put it that way.

There are justifications for infidelity but as Dr Harley has said, one spouse can be the overwhelming cause of a marriage breaking apart. If a tenth of what you say is accurate, then please stop feeling guilty, you are not guilty in any significant way. No one will think you are and I'm sure God would not.

Plan B is to protect you and your children from the horror he is putting you thru. I believe that everyone on this site will encourage you to at least move to Plan B now but probably actually divorce (with good legal counsel) and set no contact with him.

Keep posting, you are at the right place on this site.

Thanks DLK21.

I was feeling really bad about it..'I feel much better after reading your response.

If I don't contact him, will that make him wonder what's going on?

He is very lost and destructive to you and your kids. People like that will make you crazy if you don't distance your self. It is wiser to do so in the long run and to keep your head clear.

Think of your responsibilities to your children and your long term well being.

He is in what we call the fog. Don't try to figer out what he is thinking; he is under the influence of his affaire. It is like trying to reason with a drunken person. You will go mad. Just distance yourself with no contact and take good care of your kids and your self.

My1st,

Just a quick question: Was your WH married to W #3 when you met him?

My1stlove,

We can offer support and advice....but I think it's not the kind you're hoping for....because it is for YOU...not your marriage. I can't think of anyone here who would advise you to remain in this marriage or fight the divorce. This man is not safe for you on ANY level. The support you need is some individual counseling to help you understand WHY you would be drawn to such a destructive person. This man is toxic.

Hello My1stLove - Help is here on this system for you IF you really want it. If you do, then the "first order of business" is TRUTH, not wishful thinking or desires.

If YOU are a Christian, then obedience to God would be the only "course of action" open to any believer, wouldn't you agree?

So, on what basis do you claim that you are BOTH "Christians?" What makes your husband a "Christian" in your estimation?




That is a very good start.




By your walking with God yourself. That does NOT mean that it is, or will be, God's will that you remain married to this man. It is "nevertheless, not my will, Father, but yours be done."




For now, concentrate on your own walk with the Lord and continue to post here. You will get some much needed support and advice.





We can discuss that question futher after you answer my question to the first quotation above.






Yes. There is a lot of this available, but again I will wait until you answer the first question.

God bless.

Thanks, I know I was going crazy trying to figure him out...I know he is mad b/c I lied hoping it would bring us closer...

No.

Thank you. ForverHers, please re-read my post. I edited it. I think it will answer the questions about Christianity and the other ones you were asking about.

M1L,

No lie can bring humans closer to each other.

A good lesson to learn.

I don't think I've posted this to anyone before...please file for divorce, through an attorney, right now.

Because you're worth a great life, healthy choices and self-respect. Like Star said, this guy is toxic.

He really is. He's not who you thought he was...part of the fantasy you choose and he chooses.

I don't think you want to live in fantasy anymore...if you will read Harley's books, you'll choose to live in reality, real intimacy, and love.

I was a serial cheater...I do know about your WH a bit...the mindset, the avoidance through distraction (fantasy) and replacing people; when people are not replaceable.

See the fantasy?

One is a chosen perception...the other, truth.

Go into total non-communication right now...send him no money whatsoever...from this moment forward, make yourself a new oath...to not do that which you will resent. Do not speak nor act when you know you will resent.

Thank you for finding MB...for being here. I know you heard from many others before you chose to become his fourth wife, and you closed your door on their influence...didn't want to hear, know, understand...check yourself. Check yourself now, 'k? All we have is right now.

That's part of our human power...who we allow to influence us...we control the door, how far it's opened...learn prudence. Your WH doesn't own his door, sees it as if everyone else is making him...and that's fantasy, 'k? Stay in reality.

LA

Ok, someone recommended Plan B. After reading it, it basically says to cut off contact with him...

if you have read my first post in this thread it seems like that is all I can do...and continue to pray.

Has plan B worked for anyone? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Look up Mimi_here's threads...so many have been in Plan B successfully.

It's not just about cutting off contact...it's comes after a stellar Plan A...and it's to protect your heart while your WH is in his A...comes after exposure, reverse babble and other stuff.

Are you saying you want to save your marriage? Are you certain of this choice? If you are, then you're looking at three years or so (my guess), because your WH has this pattern...from one, to another, to another, to another. Not even children hold him...he doesn't take care of others...he chooses to be taken care of.

Plan B requires an intermediary...someone you trust who WH would communicate through...so you have no direct (not in anyway)...someone who won't forward emails or send you voicemails with his voice/words on them...someone who will give you the request without inflection, attitude...someone who will protect you from reading into his stuff...Plan B ends your rollercoaster and you focus on changing yourself...knowing where you chose unwisely and why, to do what you did, or what you didn't...to check your own beliefs, find your own fantasy patterns, and helps you live fully in reality and your real responsibility.

Did you think he'd be different with you, that you'd change him? Did you believe everything he said from his POV about his three previous marriages?

Because of the children, there is lots of contact...or maybe not, given your children are #9 and #10 on his list. I am so sorry. I have two children their bio-fathers have nothing to do with. I understand how difficult this may become for you.

Orchid says your heart and mind must be in sync to do a solid Plan B. Means your intent and your beliefs are together...look up her threads on it recently to understand more.

LA

[color:"purple"]Yes, I want to save my marriage..I see the reality of the time frame you mentioned. Right now I feel I can wait and I do not feel comfortable w/a divorce right now. About the intermediary, we have no mutual friends, his mom is the only one I can think of which is also one person that I do not completely trust. That's her son so she will more than likely side with him.

I thought he would be different w/me b/c he would tell me he was tired of the same old thing, the "hood-rats". I wasn't the typical 22 year old at the time you know, parting, clubbing, drinking, staying out all night, etc. I was into going to the bookstore, church, school, work...being w/our son who I took everywhere with me except to work. At first I believed his side of the story about marriage 1,2,and 3 but dug a little deeper and didn't want to believe the truth. I thought he wanted to change b/c he wanted to.

Actually he has never called once for the children...I told him I was not going to chase him down telling him about the kids. It hurts b/c it's like since the OW is pregnant our youngest child who is only 4 mos old is like pushed to the side, ignored, forgotten.

Why does he allow his gf to deal/talk to me w/so much disrespect? It makes me sick.

Also if you've read my entire first post in this thread it nentions me telling lies to him trying to get his attention, etc....did/do I still deserve to be trwated this way b/c of that? And if I didn't do that would this happen anyway?

I have a great opportunity to go back to school w/help from family to work in healthcare...which provides a great sense of security for children's future...WH does not know this but down the road if no one has filed and he finds this out would he want to be a part of our new life if he sees us doing so well?

Last time I spoke to him he said he was going to file, I think he's bluffin for now b/c his truck note is 4 mos past due and insurance has been canceled since Oct...he has to pay almost $400 to catch up. I don't know what's really going on, he doesn't work at his last known employer anymore (does blue-collar work) and he isn't telling me where he's really staying. He could have moved back into the house he was renting to own..but I sent a piece of certified mail there and it came back as "addressee unknown". My child support orders for both of our children will be served to him soon...

Now that I've typed all those things above, is plan B still a good idea?[/color]