wonderin,
I have to run out for a while, but I did want to make a quick comment about part of what you posted.
I think about that, and what H told me about the why of this affair, and I wonder what that means to me? I didn't admire him and coo over him like she did. I didn't respect the part of him that wants to take care of himself with extreme diet and exercise, and she admired it. She made him feel sexy and wanted and appreciated, and I didn't. And so I wonder...what is my responsibility in this exactly and how does God want to grow me? How do I get to a place where I can change for the better according to His plan? I am just so hurt and I can't imagine ever looking at him again without images of the 2 of them together and the feelings of anger and disgust flooding my heart. I want to do the right thing so badly, and I so don't know what that is.
This reminds me alot of women who live with domestic abuse and explain how they "provoked" the abuse. That if only they hadn't upset their husbands, he never would have hurt them. Please remember this: You probably weren't a "perfect" wife (but you seem impressively committed from your posts on EN), but no matter how little admiration he got....he had MANY MANY ethical ways to address that issue. He CHOSE the most destructive one there is. Anybody who reads your previous posts will be struck by your willingness to please him and fill his needs.
I commend you for being willing to address your contribution to the vulnerability of your marriage. It will help with recovery....very much. You have a small percentage of responsibility for disconnection. But the responsibility for choosing an affair is
100% his. What other choices could he have made?
Hundreds!
How many avenues to recovery did he pass up on his way to infidelity?
How many rules did he break because his ego wasn't stroked enough.
Don't take responsibility for his stuff.
Because my husband's infidelities were associated with pregnancies too....it DID affect the way I felt about my babies....in the womb. I was so afraid I would love them less and felt terrible shame for not wanting them enough. All of those thoughts VANISHED the second I held them. If anything....I bonded even more strongly to make up for those lost feelings.
(((((((((((((((wonderin))))))))))))))
