Look for echoes by Pink Floyd that the unltimate buzzing tune. LOL

Yesterday was rough one for me. I did come out to visit my folks and brought the girls with me. All was good until we left the house and it hit me that we would be spending Christmas apart. I couldn`t conceal the pain that caused and my ODDs friend saw a tear run down my cheek. I was trying to hide as much as I could but the darn mirror gave me away. The biggy... I go to the local mall in my hometown to pick up a cable we needed for my Fs TV. We go get what we need and proceed to leave, when next thing you know we walk right by the restaurant where I met my WW. I just about fell apart right there, and if it wasn`t for my F I think I would have. Funny thing is we had parked right in front of the place and I didn`t think anything about it, but when we came back I saw the sign, and all the memories and feelings came back. Spending time with my family and friends is very helpful, but not having her here with me is extremely hard. She driving down today and picking up the kids so I need to put on a brave face even though I`m dying inside.
Pray that I will retain the strength to get through this for me; I think I’ll need it today.

WW called while I was reading some posts. She sounds like she`s in worse shape than I am. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that she wasn`t looking forward to talking to her M. My MIL is not vary happy at all about any of this and really doesn`t understand what is going on in my WWs head. Funny thing is that I don`t hear her talk about my FIL at all, he`s been quiet about all of this from the beginning. I get the feeling that my WW is worrying about the wrong person. The reality of all of this is starting to show itself and she is really struggling with it. I doubt it will do anything to lift the fog, but one can always hope.
I have made arrangements that I will be back before new years and intend to make plans for us for the eve. We will see how that goes.

TMTS,

So tell me again why you aren't spending Christmas together...I think the logistics can be worked out and being together, and even being there to support her if/when MIL/FIL begin to grill her could work to your benefit.

Just wondering...

Mark

Trust me it's not due to any choice of mine. She insists that she does not want me there when she faces them. She actually told her best friend yesterday that she was glad to have time alone because she doesn't need to see the reminders of what she has done and is doing. I will ask her once again if she wants me there but I don't hold much faith that she will. I will be going over tomorrow for dinner and intend to show up early afternoon. Bottom line is she doesn't want me around. She has in her mind that the faster she gets out the faster we can all move on and that things will get better especially for her.
She is acting either very conflicted or guilty, because yesterday morning she sat on the side of the bed and we chatted for 15 min with me stroking her hair and cheek. She even closed her eyes and seemed to enjoy it. I asked her before we left to please respect my wishes to not have the OM in my house, she said that she had not talked to him in a 'couple' of days and didn't even know if she was to see him...I could tell from her eyes that this was a lie told by the alien. Now the part I still don't know is if her friend was right or not about him not caring about her and might have fluffed her off. I wonder if Mr. Wonderin was right... and that she is continuing that path she has taken in hoped to lure him back into the picture, if her ever left. I'm at my Brother's place right now hanging out with the kids and playing playstation games, so that helps the spirit, but doesn't stop the mind from constantly thinking about her.

Well my WW has picked up the kids and I`m a flipping mess. I did think it would be so much harder being around our home town where everything reminds me of her. We hardly talked when she came over and did all she could to avoid my M. She seems completely oblivious to the pain and is ambivalent about the whole situation. Doesn`t seem to care about anything other than facing her M. She seems so happy about her decision to leave, it`s like she escaping some sort of prison. I`m having a real difficult time keeping it together right now, I feel completely empty inside. I`ve got all my friends and families support but I can`t stop thinking that the person I want to love me most doesn`t care one bit. She`s more concerned about appeasing her own guilt.
Can someone please give me the 2x4 treatment or some words of wisdom?

TMTs,

First of all, she is conflicted...You even called it by the correct word...GUILT. She feels guilty for what she has done.

She can't hide from her guilt. She knows she can't rid herself of the guilt. She isn't trying to run from her guilt, but her shame...

She is ashamed of what she has done and is doing. That is why she can't face your folks. That is why she can't bear to be around you. And that is why she is dreading seeing her mother...

All you can control is what you do. Keep doing what you have been doing. It will have an effect and already has. It just isn't going to go back to the way it was no matter what you do or say. There are no magic bullets and nothing that can undo the past few months. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

AND you need to understand that even if she leaves it does not mean the end of your marriage...In fact if you are willing to wait and take her back even a divorce doesn't have to be the end. YOU get to choose that, not her.

Often simply confronting the affairee is enough to bring the end of the affair. More often than not it takes months of Plan A and at least as often Plan B must be in force before the affair ends. That's just the way it is.

You have to work on YOU. Fix what YOU have control over, show her your changes are for real by consistent action and skip the words of reasoning. If she does move out, it isn't the end unless you want to stop trying. But you need to be in a place where you can be strong and patient if you have to go to Plan B so that you don't give up and move on just before she wakes up from the fantasy.

You can do it...

Hang in there!

Mark

Thanks Mark... I`m sorry you keep having to repeat the same thing over and over. Being home is what really triggered all this feelings coming up again. I know I need to be patient and let this work its way through. I am still keeping up the ENs wherever I can and no LBs for over a week now, so I feel I have better control over myself (Much of it with your help). I know my heart wishes that I could flip a switch and everything would be ok, but my brain is accepting the fact that it will be these changes in me that will make the difference. If this doesn`t work out I know that I am a good person and will be in a better position to make some special woman happy. I hope it`s my WW, but if it is not, then so be it. I also know should this not work out that I will end up in a happy place within myself.
My YDD could see that there was something wrong today and asked me why I looked so sad. I had to pull on every fibre of strength inside of me not to break down, but I simply told her that Daddy was sad because mommy was not here with us. I think she is really starting to understand what is happening.
I had a long chat with her best friend last night, and even she does not recognize who this alien abducted person is. Her H (My best friend) had a major health issue last spring and his W was in the hospital alone not knowing if her H was going to pull through or not, so she would call my WW. Not once did she offer to go spend time with her or she even wouldn`t return calls. I explained to her that she was in full EA mode by then and was in the fog. So she is finding it difficult to accept that my WW is asking for her to be there for her in her time of need. My WW has become withdrawn from her as well.

Do they not have any sense on control over their action? Do they have to alienate everybody associated to their past with the BS. Do they not see the damage they will eventually cause themselves?
Mark... thank you so much for sticking with me. You the wonderins, lala and others have really help to get me through this.

"Do they not have any sense on control over their action? Do they have to alienate everybody associated to their past with the BS. Do they not see the damage they will eventually cause themselves?"

No, no, and no.

I`ve been a mess all day. Many French Canadians celebrate Christmas on the eve, so being here with the whole family minus my WW was extremely hard. To the point that I had to hide a couple of times and let it out. My ODD was feeling it as well, and let it out herself. Her best friend was standing outside having a smoke when she pulled up to drop off the kids, and she was crying as well. I am glad this day is over, luckily my YDD was still too excited about all the presents and wasn`t to affected (From what she showed, anyway). I hope that one day she understands how much pain she did cause, because right now she`s just worried about her own pain. Tomorrow I`m going to my ILs for Christmas dinner (Unless I have another day of breakdowns or I get disinvited tomorrow) I just hope that it goes better than today did. Just being here without her and looking around to see all the people that we grew up with together still together and married really hit home. I know that there is no point trying to understand what she is thinking, but that doesn`t stop it from hurting. Please let me have the strength to get through tomorrow.

Well I just spoke to my ODD and asked her how her mom was doing.’ Grumpy as she has been``, so I talked to her for a minute to let her know I was still coming to dinner (I`m very anxious about it because I could feel the tension). That`s for her to deal with though. She asked me how my knight was, so I told her that it was not good and asked her how her`s was of which she answered the same. I think not being here with all our friends and family but sitting alone with her M and F was harder than she thought it would be. I do feel better today... so far anyway; I think that leaving the ILs place will be hard as well.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful Christmas.

TMTS,

Glad u r feeling better. Enjoy the time with family and friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Well today was a much better day. The dinner at my ILs went well and my WW acted like everything was normal. I could see the pain in my MILs eyes though; she is still quite upset over this. I did run into something really strange (Or not so strange) when my WW mentioned that she was going to take the kids to go see Alvin and the chipmunks, then 5 mins later asks me if I wanted to come as well. We sat in the movie theatre, with my hand on her knee for the whole movie and had a nice time. So when we got back to my ILs, I leaned over to give her a kiss, but she gave me just a little peck like that first kiss you get when you were a kid. I had to control myself from laughing because I could tell that she was doing it out of guilt, not that it stopped me because I know that got to her. So she continues to act like everything will be ok, but yesterday she had as big a meltdown as I did when she dropped the kids off after mass. Her best friend was talking to her and she had to compose herself before she could drive again because of the tears.
I got confirmation that she did talk to the mediator and that she agreed to set up a meeting in January, so I expect he will call me this week to discuss what needs to be done to secure the house and pension. I will discuss custody as well and see what he thinks in terms of the laws. I really don`t want to cut off access to her kids, but I also don`t want for them to have to live in poverty. I hope that we can legally add a condition of NC between the OM and my Kids until divorce papers are served and finalized.

I am starting to get ready for the expectations after separation talk (thanks for the suggestion Mrs. W). I can sense by her actions that she thinks that we will be buddies afterwards and that I will be at her side on a moment’s notice. Where I get a little anxious is that this sounds very much like plan B talk and would take away from the implementation of the true plan B. I want to make sure I handle this one delicately as to not give away any notion that the next step will be NC. Now that Christmas is over I feel much more comfortable about going on with Plan A for a few more months. My question now is if I should implement Plan B upon her leaving, or continue on with Plan A until I am close to having my LB completely drained.
Unfortunately I have no solid evidence that tells me that the OM is actually still in the picture. She talks like he is but does not act it. She`s home when she`s suppose to be at the time she`s supposed to be. The only indication that I have had in the last couple of weeks is when I told her I would be back for New-Year’s Eve. Her look gave her away... she had made some sort of plans, of which I can only assume is with him, but now is talking about staying home because my ODD has already challenged her a couple of times for going to the neighbours for hours on end or visiting her friend who went through a separation a couple of years ago (I am sure she is feeding my WW with all kinds of garbage). Now she will be left to explain to the kids why she is going out on New Year’s Eve while Daddy stays home and has a good time with them. It should be interesting.
She told me something interesting the other day as well... She said that she `didn`t know if she was going to see him this week because she had not talked to him in a couple of days. Well I`m assuming that she will and so is my ODD, who I`m sure will be checking in on her daily to make sure she`s home. My ODD has reached the anger stage and does not accept this at all. She still loves her M and has not talked about not going to see her, but that may change. As for me I am getting ready for the Plan B and getting the rest of my things in order.

If anyone would like to comment on how to handle the `what are your expectations` speech-talk, I would very much appreciate it.

TMTS,

You are doing great, and it's nice to see you doing better.

Keep listening and reading to all the vets around here. I trust them immensely and have seen progress in myself, which is the whole point to PLAN A. It's about US, not the WS.

I am still learning that too, but trust those who take the time to write you and give you suggestions.

Bracha

Hi Skinsgal,

I`ve been following your story as an example of a good plan A while separated. I hope your H someday understands what amount of work you have done to save your M. That OW sounds like she`s really special... I`m in a similar situation where from the information gathered is a player and told my WW exactly what she wanted to hear.

I only got this far in large part because of the help recieved her. I don`t even want to think of the mess I wouldhave created if I had not found MB.

I hope it all works out for you.

I forgot to mention that when I first got to my ILs I sat down beside her. She said Merry Christmas; I responded in kind and gave her a kiss... But I think this my W not WW... or so it felt.

Plan a felt goof tonight... I felt like I ran my special double reverse play for long yards.

TMTS,

Thanks for your kind words. I am still learning so much of what makes a good Plan A, but those who are familiar with it, keep encouraging me.

I have to keep remembering, no expectations and this is for him either. It's about me becoming the woman I want to BE and doing it because I want to.

I am getting to be the wife I always wanted to be, loving, caring, giving, interested in her H, but without him around playing the mind games. I know that sounds strange, but it just rolled out of me.

He pushed me away and I allowed it to change me. Now, I am learning that no matter what he does doesn't have to affect what I want to do.

Whoa.... I never thought of this before. You helped me, thanks.

LOL...

You are doing great too, keep up the good work and stay with G-d and people on here. Together you will get through this.

Skins

This is also the part I strugled with at th e begining and still do on some days.
Like Mark kept telling me at the begining...

NO EXPECTATION!

Once that sank in I could work on learning more and more about me, about the wall of pain that I put after my F left us, about my general health (I've started running again), and most importantly about reconnecting with my two beautifull DDs.

What are some of the things you are learning about yourself?

Thanks for that question Skins because you just made me realize that I have yet to put this down on in writing... so here it goes.
1. The experience of my F's A stunted my emotional growth. That day I put up a wall and didn't deal with the pain it had caused until about a month ago.
2. I do have intimacy issues (see #1) and I am learning why that is and how to deal with it.
3. It's OK if I am vulnerable and look for support. Being the "go to guy" all the time is not necessary, and I don't need to fix every situation I encounter especially if I have no responsibility in creating that situation.
4. I can only influence what I do.
5. If I do open up it doesn’t automatically mean my heart will get crushed. The support I have is proof of that.
6. I am a good person and if my M does not work out I know that I will be fine. I will have learned on how to better nurture my relationships, and there is someone else out there that could love me the way I need to be loved.
7. I am a good father and can take care of my DDs just as well or better than my WW can.

That's all I can think about now, but I think it's a good start.