I just got back from visiting my ILs. They are as in much shock as I am over this and insist that I am still family and that I am welcome. They tried to talk to her as well but had no luck in getting through the fog. My poor FIL was tearing up as well, because he cannot believe what is happening. He told me that he always liked me because I was good to his daughter and treated her well. He does not understand why she would be throwing all of this away.
She called me earlier to talk to the kids, but ODD was gone to the movies, and tomorrow we are going to a hockey game so I doubt she will be able to talk to her then either. A she still talk to me like nothing is happening (And I don't push any kind of R or A talk). She was telling me that my neighbour was over last night, and that she was talking about suicide because of her situation at home, where her common law husband controls everything she does. He gives her no money to do anything, she doesn't drive and he gets really possessive when she wants to go anywhere without him, including visiting her friends. It was all I could do to keep from telling my WW that at least she had a justification to leave that makes sense (Not that suicide is the way to go).

I keep working the plan in hopes that something will stick in the long run and she will see that she could love me deeply once again. Mye Hope meter is not very high today though.

TMTS,

I think your list of what you are learning is great. You are doing awesome.

How are you doing tonight?

I truly understand the feeling of this being hard. What are you doing to move forward in your life and become who you want to become?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oooo.... I like your questions, they make me dig deep.

For starters I am dealing with the pain of the past. While doing much soul searching with the help of my IC, I got to a point where I realized that from the age of 14 I had not grown up emotionally. A wall came up to protect myself from ever experiencing that kind of pain again. Well the wall was a contributing factor to the creation of an even greater pain. So the wall is coming down! I am doing allot of reading on intimacy and relationships in general, so far this has helped tremendously.

Second I am working on taking care of my body and soul. I have been exercising regularly, and kicked the pot habit. As for taking care of my soul this is just starting. I was raise catholic but did not really engage anymore once I became a teenager. I am reading a book that is very inspirational and talks about spirituality as being something found within yourself, and that god (In whatever for you believe him to be) resides in all of us. From what I have read so far it seems like this is very much the main principle of Buddhism. So I have started by doing some research on Buddhism to get a better understanding on if this is the spiritual quest I am looking for.

Next is a promise I made to my ODD. Stress and anger management. In the last couple of years my fuses got shorter and shorter when it came to my DDs. In the last couple of weeks it has reared its ugly head too often.

Reconnecting with friends and family. I had become so absorbed in my own stresses that I didn't make time for anybody outside my immediate family. I became withdrawn from friends in the neighbourhood and extended family.

Yesterday was OK, I had a nice long talk with my ILs and found that they are in as much shock about this as anybody else and do not understand what has happened to their daughter. That being said I am still in a state that she is all I think about, everything I do is in part for her or because of her. Being in my hometown has been difficult because it has brought back many memories of when we first started dating (Seeing the place we met was a crusher). You'll notice the time I came on here... I did get to sleep until 2am and only lasted until 4:30. I've been away from her for a day and I already miss her like crazy. I don't know what I’ll do when she actually moves out.

I hold on to the belief that deep down she odes still love me and that someday she will realize it she loves me more that she thought.

I can't seem to will myself to stop thinking about the things I could have done better in my M. The last three years where I withdrew into pot for stress relief was just the straw. If I had just listened when she told me that she wanted more affection, if I had listened. Instead I got mad and would remind her of how much I did for her.

I actually prayed for the first time in many many years last night. Said a prayer for Skins, my WW to be happy (hopefully with me), and for my kids to make it through this. Then I asked for guidance on what direction I should take, should I pursue plan A and try to save my M or just let go. All I could hear as an answer was follow your heart. So plan A it is.

I'm in a real bad place right now. I'm at my brothers place visiting my folks which is nice. (My SIL did all the girls nails... she has two boys, so it's like having her own little barbies) This is what I am concentrating now, the reconnection with my first family. For years with were more like aquaintances than family, and we hardly see other or each other's kids. My WW called and talks like everything is absolutely normal, asks to talk to the kids, and makes a little chit chat with me then that's it. I did squeeze in a plan A when she asked if it was ok for her to call tomorrow to talk to the kids...I told her that I looked forward to talk with her as well. Funny thing about all this is that I miss her and she hasn't gone anywhere yet. I put on a brave face an Plan A all I can, but I still feel my heart ripping every time I talk to her.

Well, it's hard around the holidays no matter how you look at it. Hang in there, STOP thinking about your wife. Enjoy being home and your family. I promise you that things DO get better.

TMTS,

I'm sorry you are hurting tonight. My sponsor tells me that no amount of pain will kill you, but it's what you do with that pain that will kill you.

And I think Mimi tells me it this way. Feel the feelings and then let them go. Remember like Mimi has told me over and over and OVER, PLAN A is about YOU being the best you can be because you want to. It's those changes you make because they are changes you wanted to make. We CAN NOT have any expectations from the WH, they are not our SPOUSES, they are monster that are cruel and out to hurt us. Because hurt people hurt people.

You are becoming a person of G-d by trying to stand for your M. Be PROUD OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING. And above all else.... TRUST G-d, he SEES what is HAPPENING and KNOWS the OUTCOME. Try to have fun with Plan A, by doing things that you might have wanted to do, but got caught up in real life. Again, like Mimi says - this is YOUR PLAN. NO ONE ELSES.

There is NO DOUBT the pain is the most awful thing at the time it is happening. I KNOW. I feel it all the time.

What I do - is cry, talk to G-d, come on here and read stories and read books. Does it help, not always. And I just keep doing it. Sometimes I just let the feelings take me down as far as they can go and wait until G-d can fill me up again with hope.

This is a HARD walk my friend. But doable, as long as we let G-d have our LIFE and our SPOUSES life. You can do this. You can.

Skins

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am dying at the idea that my WW is probably cake eating tonight. This is our last night here at my folks place and we will be home tomorrow. I don't know if I can make it through this. I canot see how life will be without her. The days after Christmas have been hard, as I have not seen her since and it's like a little preview to what separated life will be like. I hope it gets better as time goes by, but right now I'm pretty down about it. I can't wait for the holidays to be over. I just bought divorce busting and after the affair in hopes that they will give me more insight. I've heard good things about both.
Skins - Is it wrong to ask for something for yourself when in prayer? I feel selfish in doing so, but I did ask for g-d to give me strength. I haven't done this in a long time and I don't feel like I deserve to be heard.

Chances are good that she will come back. And if she doesn't life will be good again. Our MB men always do just fine post divorce. But hang in there so you can look back in 5 years and know that you did your best.

Thank believer. My heart feels like it's tearing apart right now. I'm with family but feel so lonely. She is a good woman who I let down. I know that does not excuse what happened but its how I feel. Every time I look at her now I feel warmth come over me.
Is it wrong to pray for the OM to find some personal strength and realize that what he is doing is wrong? I would like to have 5 mins alone with him, but that is not very peaceful or good hearted.

It's funny you ask about prayer for the OM. I pray several times a day for strength, compassion, forgiveness, honesty, and love between both my WW and I as well as between the OM and the OMW. I believe that to be the Christian way to go about it. It doesn't seem right to only ask God to help my WW and I lead the lives that He wants us to, so I ask Him to also guide the OM and the OMW as they try to work through their issues.

I wish this guy was married, then I wold heve someone to expose on his side. This is a single guy she met on-line, who moved in with his siiter and makes 35K a year. from the info I get from a mutual friend, this guy is a real looser that desn't care about my WW at all. Just a player is what she says. I can only hope that my effoerts for change will be noticed and this guy ends up being exactly that... a player. The problem I have right now is she doesn;t see that at all.

I forget, is your wife working outside of the home?

Yes she is. She is at work right now as a matter of fact. She started about 9 months ago after being home for 7 years, doing home babysitting for a few years, but that became more of a burden than anything else, so I supported her stopping. It took her awhile to get motivated to look for work, and once she started we agreed that she would look at getting back in a Vet. Clinic.

TMTS,

That is so funny you ask about praying for yourself. I asked that very same thing a few months ago. So much of my life is a fog in it's own way, but I remember James I think telling me that we are walking in G-d will and fighting for his WORD. So we are actually praying for something that G-d wants too. I have no ill feelings towards the OW in my life. When I met her I was able to see the sick person she is and pray for her all the time as well. How can someone be happy in their own life, who has been divorced twice and gone through that kind of pain can knowingly inflict it on someone else's family all in the name of LOVE.

The part that is easy for me to remember is the OW in my life and the OM in your life is still a child of G-d and G-d is hurting over what they are doing. So, again, we are helping G-d turn their lives around and wants them to come back to his fold.

If you were selfishly just wanting her to be with you and not willing to make changes in your life and your R, then maybe, but you are changing and growing. Remember, G-d blesses marriages and hates D.

You can't alone, but you have G-d and you have us on here to help you get through the dark time.


You can't BUT G-d sees all. The ONE THING I have is my FAITH that G-d is working his hardest on the other side of the street for good. Unfortunately our S have FREE WILL and they still may choose to NOT to stay or come home. However, I have to BELIEVE that NO MATTER what, someday G-d will turn this into GOOD for us and we will be BLESSED. Like James and myself, if you stay and walk with G-d and become completely dependent on him like he WANTS, then one day, one day I HAVE to believe it will be ok.

I FEEL the exact same way. I have EXPOSED to EVERYONE that I can on my WH's side, but the OW, she lives in a world where divorce is NOTHING and MORALS and VALUES don't exist whatsoever. They would laugh at me if I were to try and expose. At least I think so. I have no CLUE how she and WH explain his life.
I can only hope that my effoerts for change will be noticed and this guy ends up being exactly that... a player. The problem I have right now is she doesn;t see that at all.

I can't believe I am about to say this, but remember the changes you are making are because you want to make them. Plan A is about showing WS what life could be like, BUT you CAN'T have any EXPECTATIONS that it is having any effect at all. She is in G-ds hands. We are just becoming people of G-d and walking in his will so he can ultimately BLESS US.

I am so there with you. Let's think about this.... OW is a crack addict with hep C. Former heroin addict who got hep c through sharing needles with her ex. She doesn't work and is completely free loading off my WH. My WH is completely oblivious to any of this. He was a man of integrity, morals and family values. Our WS's are aliens and the ones we know and LOVE don't exist in their body. They can't see what the truth is because it would make them see reality and REALITY isn't what they want.

Vets - if I am wrong on this, PLEASE CORRECT me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Skins,

You are an inspiration!

I am in a better place right now. Kind of anxious about the next couple of days. Especially tomorrow night, because I’m sure I've messed up her plans and it will eventually come up.

She told a friend hat she was sad about being alone during most of the Christmas Holiday. She basically saw the kids Christmas day, and didn't see any of our friends because none of them want to see her. I think she especially found Christmas Eve difficult, because that's where all friends and family congregate and it's always a good time.

I know all about no expectations. Mark has beat this into me, but the holiday season really got to me. It's the first time we haven't spend Christmas together in 20years.

I hate that alien fog spewing beast that has taken over my W. The support I get here keeps me going though.

Thanks.

Also I know that she has contacted the mediator and is waiting to talk to me about setting up a meeting. I do need to think of ways to delay the LSA, if I can waiste all of February than she'll be looking at one more month at hime and one more month of pressure on the A.

If anyone has suggestions on delay tactics, I'm all ears.

Thanks.

Thanks TMTS,

I am NO inspiration. G-d is just not giving up on me and needs me at times to comfort others like others comfort me. The 12th Step of AA is 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

You, I and SO MANY others are having spiritual awakenings and little by little we take one step forward and can offer something to those who are coming after us. And there are, unfortunately there are.

I can't offer ANY LEGAL advice as I am just beginning my journey on that road. I don't want one, but ultimately I am going to have to get one and protect my children and myself. WH doesn't care what he is doing, that's apparent, and it's still apparent by the fact that he went and played soccer instead of coming to his boys' game that it's still ALL ABOUT HIM.

Just finished my YDDs birthday party and I couldn't hold on to it. When she blew out the candles I just lost it completely. Then I regained my composure long enough to watch her open her presents, but it didn’t last long and I lost it again and hid in my M's room in a little ball for about half an hour and we have to go through this again at home on her actual birthday on Thursday.

I am such a mess right now. I think this is as low as I've been since D-Day. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow that's going to be just as bad.

I am in a state of hopelessness and despair. I'm having a hard time with the holidays. I don't want to hurt anymore!!!!

TMTS,

You are NOT ALONE. Start praying and talking to G-d and don't stop, not for one moment. Keep asking him to hold you and walk with you.

Remember NO AMOUNT of PAIN will kill you, it's what you do with it that WILL. And remember, this too shall pass. I promise you. It will.

Keep talking to god. I used to get on my knees and ask G-d to hold me, just help me, please.

This pain is our journey right now. We have to feel this pain to get to the other side. This probably feels like he$$, and my sponsor also told me not to stop in the middle, because where do you end up.

Here's something. My Skins just scored a TD, Yahooo...

Keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting in G-d that he has FAITH in you to get through this. You will, TMTS, it will pass.

I'm back home now and my WW is acting like everything is normal. Gave me a hug though. She just got into an argument with ODD about her yelling at me to clean something the cats had pi$$ed on. (I was going to throw it away).
It wasn't pretty, and I was not going to get in the middle of it. She made the decisions she made now she must deal with the consequences of having to deal with her ODDs anger. I'm I wrong not to jump in? She went upstairs stomping her feet telling ODD to stop jumping down her throat. ODD told her that she is running away, at which she says she isn't. Go figure.