Well sleeping just brings nightmares unless I'm so beat that I sleep right through them. That and the fact that when I lay down alone, the blizzard just takes over, the only thing that gets me any sleep at all is the Anti-D.

It's 4 min to 3am. How are you holding out? I real worried about your and what this day represents.

I'm just reading Mimi's thread from 2 years ago.

I PROMISED her I wouldn't do anything, and I meant it.

I don't ever want to be considered that selfish. NEVER. That is a WW trait that I find disgusting.

It hurts. BAD. He is probably kissing her right now and telling her how much he loves her and what a bright future they have. And it's our annivesary. The images of them together don't happen very often, but when they do. UGH....

The happy foggy WW is back. Pleasant and engaging, asked me if I wanted breakfast this morning. I was downstairs after that and she came down to ask me if I would like to watch a movie with her. Of course I took the opportunity and watched Epic Movie with her, sitting beside her with my hand on her leg. We laughed and had a good time. Now she wants to watch another one this afternoon with me. She is all happy and you wouldn’t think there was anything going on. I suspect that this is the best friend thing going on so I work the plan with no expectations. (Mark you would be proud). No LBs and meeting EN every chance I get. R talk is gone, A talk non existent.

My mind is still a buzz saw of thought though and I question her motives. If I could only know what is going on with the A and if this guy is out of the picture, I would have a clearer indication of what she is actually thinking.

Good job. Enjoy it while you can. By tomorrow she might be angry again. Or maybe she found some good weed.

TMTS,

Just an observation for you...

When she acts like a normal human being, that is your W trying to peek through the fog. When she is acting crazy and is angry because you are doing things for her, that is the alien WW trying to run the show.

Plan A your wife...

Plan B the Wayward Wife.

Whatever she thinks her motives are for being nice and showing care, take the opportunity to show her affection, care and love. Meets as many of her ENs as you can while she is giving you the chance. When she is being nice and showing care for you, she is also meeting some of your ENs and giving you the love to go further in Plan A without burning out. Take it and use it to gain more time.

When she turns abusive and is trying to hurt you, disengage and withdraw till the control returns, to you and to her.

While she is being nice and acting like nothing is wrong, act as if everything is wonderful and nothing is wrong. Make deposits!

When the subject of moving comes up when you are enjoying your time together, try to dissuade her from discussion about it. Don't try to force her to change her mind, just don't talk about it with her. Change the subject...

When she wants to argue about things while in WW mode, that is when you use reverse babble to try to force the [email]cr@p[/email] back onto her. Let nothing she says when giving you [email]cr@p[/email] stick, just hand it back to her...But do it politely and without AOs or DJs.

Until she agrees to working on the relationship avoid trying to work on the relationship at all. No communications exercises, no fixing anything, no attempts to educate her.

When she is being nice to you, be nicer to her. When she is being hurtful, be as nice as you can be until you can get away...never retaliate to try to get even or try to straighten her out or fix her reasoning.

If you can make enough deposits when she is receptive, she will begin to have feelings of love toward you again and her resolve to leave you for OM will weaken. Done enough, she will come to the conclusion that she really needs you and OM is the problem. You can't make her see this, she has to reach that conclusion herself.

If your love for her is at its end, then you need to be ready to get into Plan B to save what you have left. Plan B never is supposed to make her do anything, so during Plan B you don't even consider what she is doing.

If you have made enough deposits while in Plan A, she will miss you soon after Plan B starts. In addition, assuming OM doesn't bail right away because things look too serious all of a sudden, the job of meeting all of her ENs will now fall to him, where as of right now, you are meeting more of her ENs than he is and he is only getting a few tries to do anything for her. This might hasten the end of the affair by forcing him to do what he is not as well equipped to do since you know her better and have studied her to figure out her ENs as part of Plan A.

But do not enter Plan B by accident. It isn't about leaving her or telling her to get out. It is about telling her that you will not allow OM to be party to your marriage any longer and making sure that she understands up front what it will take for you to reconcile when she is ready to work on the marriage. Set the bar high for Plan B ending. Don't simply settle for her returning to the marital bed and having NC with OM, though this has to be part of it. In the end, what you tell her you need to take her back after a period of Plan B is what you will have to live with going forward.

And remember that Plan B is not the first shot in Plan D.

Mark

I'm really starting to think that this is her in a fog. She doesn't push me away doesn't say anything negative when I try to do something nice. The only comment I have had is that she didn't deserve me being so nice to her. But in the end I still think I'm dealing with WW but not in alien form. Am I completely of base on this one?



This is how she acts most of the time now. When she does get angry, it usually involves an argument with ODD. With me she doesn't initiate anything, good or bad. If I show her any kind of loving gesture, she doesn't turn it down or get angry about it. She usually lets me do what I'm doing and thanks me. This afternoon we ended up watch a couple of movies together, and she was bending her head like her neck was sore, so I massaged her neck for about 10min). The problem is that when she talks to anybody else she talks in terms of her future which is away from me.



I am waiting on the bomb to fall on this one. Any day now she's going to mention that she talked to the mediator and that we need to set up an appointment. That's if the mediator doesn't call me first. I'm not sure how to delay this process. I need more ideas on this one.



I'm doing this part quite well. Ever since your suggestion to talk to Jennifer. My reverse babble is not very good, so I use the 'shut up and ignore' method. That usually does the trick.



I pray for this daily. I just don't have faith that it will because she sees us as 'friends' and nothing more. If this guy could stay out of town, and I got some sort of confirmation that he has, I would feel much better.



I'm not at this point yet. I can still Plan A for a while. I just hope that you are right about last night and today being a little bit of fog lift. We plan on watching something together in about 1/2 hour again. she went to see how the neighbor is doing (He was drunk and could hardly stand up at 11AM, he and another neighbor drank a 40oz. bottle of whisky while shoveling, then he past out in his car for 4-5 hrs.)

I am just concerned that my Plan a efforts is being interpreted as 'He's ok with this and we can move on'.
I have been very clear that I do not think we are over, and I have not given up the fight.

TMTS,

We have no control over what they think or interpret. Remember their MINDS are LOST.

Remember what Plan A is about, YOU. You are doing are making these changes and becoming the person you want to be because you want to. She is just the blessed recipient.

I get so lost at trying to figure out what they are thinking. We CAN'T. As hard as it is to get his, we simply CAN'T. We are WW and in that yucky mindset.

Keep checking in here and let the vets guide your actions. They are the best, aren't they?

They are awesome. I know I try to over analyze everything (That's the engineering geek in me). What I do now that I didn't before is let it happen. When I can direct anything I do, but if I can't I don't react.

There is nothing I can do about what she is thinking and I know that if I even try I'm not only wasting my time but possibly blowing the plan. So I come here and tell you about it. Like Mrs. W says, it's better than doing it in front of her.

Oh you got that so right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What are you having for dinner.

I don't think it's because you are an engineer that you over analyze. I do the same thing and I am just a school secretary and I over analyze way too much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My boys are screaming for dinner. I'll be back after awhile.

I made pasta in a mushroom chicken sauce. She liked it allot because I got portobellos (her favorite). It went over quite well.

Sounds yummy. You cooked last night too, right?

Hang in there. Enjoy what you can and don't have any expectations. Ooops, I think I said that before.

Oh yes, I do 95% percent of the cooking, and love it. To me cooking is more art than chore.

No expectations! Because if I even think of having any I know that Mark is waiting to 2x4 me back into line. He does do it nicely though.

Say it all together now...

1...

2...

3...

No Expectations!

See, he even 2x4 in a kind and gentle way.
For anybody that has yet to read his musings thread, please do yourself the favor and do so.

Believer - the only time I've had goat and liked it when it was prepared with a yogurt sauce. It Mediterranean and served on a bed of rice. Other than that too fat for my liking.

I am so confused by her actions and demeanor... I don't trust it, but I pray and hope that Mark is right and that it's a peek through the fog. There has been an effort on her side to be around, like she is looking for my company. I'm working the plan cautiously because I don't trust the motivation behind it. She did spend a long time the other night alone in our room sobbing. This was after the arguments with ODD and having spent Christmas without seeing anybody other than her M and F. So I am careful not to let it get to me because this could all disappear in a day or two.

LaLa, W2s, Queenie... I'm working on that dead sexy look for you guys. One day I'll get a pic out to you... If I can find a before I'll do that too. Not many pictures of me though, I was always the one behind the camera. (I've been in the photofinishing business since I was 18, so I'm pretty handy with a camera).

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As everyone says, we can't understand what is crazy behavior. We can only learn how to be who we are and let G-d do what he is doing over on their side of the street.

We have to remember that like us suffering and in pain, they will have thier own spiritual battle to go through because they are the ones who turned AWAY from G-d and disobeyed his will. In our hour of crisis and destruction we turned TO G-d for strength, comfort and FAITH.

We can't take their journey and battle away from them. It's not our job and we aren't G-d. What we can do is look to G-d when they are suffering and it pains us to see.

I hope that makes sense and please anyone correct me if I am wrong.

Do you work tomorrow?

Nope, I'm on vacation until next Monday. WW is off tomorrow as well so it's another full day of working the plan. She was saying that she needs to go grocery shopping tomorrow, so I'll make sure that we both go.

I will ride this as long as it lasts, but there is this ever lingering feeling that she is lost within the fog world and if she does come out of it will be too ashamed to try reconciliation.

I do resolve to get myself back on track. My relationship with my DDs have suffered in the last couple of years, and they are all I have left now, so I must work on being a father and mother to them as their mother is somewhere else. Luckily I was well trained by my M and grandmother to know how to cook and clean. The only thing I have trouble with is fashion, as I am a fashion idiot. My ODD and her friends have pledged to get me into a new wardrobe to help me meet someone new (Not like that's going to happen anytime soon). As you see my ODD is so mad that she thinks I should move on and find someone else. I explained to her that there is no one else; her M is the only woman I have ever loved and want to ever love. I explained that the heeling and decision to move on is a long way down the road, and that for now I will wait to see if her M will have a change of heart.

Our children are truly the innocent victims in this. Their worlds are being ripped apart and there is nothing they can do. They have no control over what is happening and as hard as it is for us, imagine what it must be like for them.

My boys want to know when I am D their dad. I told them when G-d tells me to do something I will do it.

Here again vets correct me if I am wrong. But I carry in my heart during my strong times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> that the greatest gift we can give our children right now is the strength of seeing what you do when life absolutely knocks you to the ground and you don't want to get up. It teaches them lessons in life as well as how to walk with G-d.

I also have to remember that G-d doesn't have grandchildren and he is suffering over the pain that our kids are in.

As Mimi would say stop that stinkin thinkin. You have so much it's just hard to see while in this pain. But you do.

Learn everything you can as you watch what is happening. My WH gives me so many clues how to reach my H it's amazing. Now, the WH is absolutely in control and probably fights me every step, but I know it goes in. I see the looks and when I reach for the answers, I get them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



When she comes out of it, ask G-d what to do, and get your butt to here and starting asking what to do with the vets. DO NOT necessarily rely on your judgement as we are still too raw and new to truly know how to best handle what is happening.

Vets, tell me if I am wrong.

Happy New Year, Mrs. and Mr. W. I haven't asked anything specific since before Christmas. I was able to cut the trip short and be here for New Years Eve. We actually had a nice family night playing a board game and we went bowling.

I would really appreciate if you could have a look at the last few days of my stitch and comment. Mark, Believer please pull out the 2x4s if need be, I feel like I need a beating back in line. Comments from any Vets or newbie friend would be appreciated.

I am getting mentally prepared to bring up this issue, but I am struggling on presenting it in a way that doesn't give her a preview of Plan B. Does Plan B even make a difference when tackling this? Basically if I word this wrong then I leave myself with little choice but to go to Plan B when she leaves.

She is pleasant still this morning, I helped her do her hair colour, and we are going to watch a movie together when she is done. Mrs. w you were right about seeing my W once in a while, so I plug along with the plan. Between Mark yourself and your Hubby, I finally let go of it being about the outcome. What she does, she does, I just do all I can to make me a better option than the OM or being alone.

I still have no idea where the OM sits right now, no idea if there had been any contact even. Last week she was home during all the times she was suppose to be, and didn't even go out. But I see this guy as a parasite that doesn't need to feed right now, I'm just waiting for him to come back for more when it suite his agenda.

The holidays were rough and I'm glad they are over. Now I've push the plan into turbo mode, especially now that she is being receptive. (Oh I didn't mention that I stole a little kiss while doing her hair colour, she giggled and smiled, not upset or thrown off by it at all.

Thanks to all for your patience, and please do not hesitate to be tough. (I've been reading the post about how much responsibility a poster has towards any advice... my take is that they have none. If the recipient is unclear or offended, it is their responsibility to clarify.)

Morning TMTS,

Sounds like you are still in a good space and things are calm. I'm so happy for you.

Thanks Queenie, I am in a good space, focused and determined not to let her apparent change of attitude throw me off the track. See just this morning, she was asking about a vet bill, and if I would pay portion of it. The cats are here so I assumed that it would come out of my account anyway. This is why I need to get ready for the question of what your relationship will be like. I don't want her to start up any kind of R talk and not be ready for it. As you saw I'm concerned about giving away the Plan B part of the plan too soon.

You sound better now that Mimi has jumped in. She is great and truly cares about you.