OMG!! There's so much FOG in that house they both need NIGHT VISION GOGGLES!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm teasin' you RIM...we need to lighten your mood. Let us know how dinner went.

Too much...good luck on your date tomorrow night!

TMTS,

is leaving the guy alone the best option i mean you said something along those lines about males not being that intune with their emotions. I am grasping at straws her to see if that is why my husband left to "find himself" to see if he misses his family or what.

i just want to know the dynamics of a male

Hi Guys, I'm doing ok. Just got off the phone with Jennifer, but I'll go into that after I answer Bella’s question. (RIM, get ready I got a tough one for you...K)

Hi Bella,

I obviously can't speak for all of us, but the experience of how I handled my M and experiences of friend and family tell me that we are as in tune with our spouse's emotions as a door... that is until we are smacked upside the head one day and we realize that we will loose our love forever. That was the wake up call for me. I read and read, went counseling and did allot of growing in the last few months. The book that really made in sink in was the 5 love languages, I cried while reading that book, because I could see where I went wrong. Then as I was reading more and more I found that the message is similar... we (men) need to learn how to check in emotionally. (Now if you read some of my thread you'll see that I go a little overboard on the emotions), the sad thing of it all is that we often do not realize what we're loosing until it's gone. Now that being said, from what I've seen on this board and from those I know that have been through this, we (men) do not handle leaving the one we love too well and are more prone to snap out of it. But that IMO.

Amen to that.

Good Morning folks,

I had my second session with Jennifer last night. Talked about how he Plan is going, where the WW is at and when to get ready for Plan B. There were two main themes that we worked on. 1 - Letters sharing what I have learned about nurturing a relationship, paying close attention to express how I feel about what I'm learning and her without coming off a needy. They are to be kept short and to the point, 1 a week so she doesn't feel that I'm crowding her. 2 - Going to Plan B. She recommends going as long as possible even after she moves out, but to keep a close eye on my LB and 'willingness" meters to make sure that I get into Plan B before I loose all love for her. Normally that would be about 2 weeks, if you can extend it to a month that's OK but to be very aware of how I'm feeling.

We also talked about moving day under Plan A. It's a pretty simple line actually. "I really want to help you with this but I don't think my heart could take the pain it would bring" Nice and simple.

So now I need to print out my thread and get some of the feelings I've been experiencing to get letters ready.

TMTS,

Just wanted to touch base with you and let you know I hope everything goes well this weekend. I see Mark and BK splintered you up pretty good the other day. Don't worry about though we have all had those days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just pick youself up and get back to the plan. I gotta work tonight and tomorrow, but I keep up on your thread so I now what's happening. Hang in there!

Want2Stay

Thanks W2S,

Ya, those guys snapped me out of that one real quick and I appreciate it. Luckily my poker face has got real good, so she doesn't get to see the pain. My biggest problem right now is not my WW, it's my ODD. Had a little LB session with her last night.

Her BF (14yo) has been staying at our place for the last month because her M had to fly out of town to go see her sick F over the holidays. Well when she got back they got into this big argument and she stuck around. two nights ago this all came to a head, where her M told her that we were having our own problems to deal with and that she had a choice to come back home, go live with her F or move to go live with her GM. So she comes over and gats a few things and goes to stay at her aunts place overnight. I got home last night and all is cool, the girls go to the mall, but when my ODD came back her BF wasn't with her. So I asked her what was going on, she said that she had lost money at her aunt’s place. So a little later we get a call from the aunt asking if BF is there, my ODD said that she was just about to call to ask her the same thing. SO we eventually find her hanging out with her cousin at her work, she gets in the car and I can see that she's really upset. I ask what’s going on, but she just keeps saying that everything is OK, don't worry about it. About half hour later my ODD asks me if I can drive BF to her school (its 11PM now), I ask why, she says that BF doesn't want to stay here because she doesn't want her family to find her and she was going to stay at a friends. So I tell her that I'll drive her, but to the friends place, she would not hear it because she was afraid I would tell someone where she is. It told her I would keep it to myself, but I needed to know she was safe. That didn’t get anywhere. So after about half an hour of trying to find out why she was so upset and trying to convince her that his was the safest place for her to be we both started raising our voices and it got pretty loud. So I finally say ok, I'll drive you, but you have to call me from the house and I want to talk to an adult over there. She tells me that only her friend is there, so I'm telling her that I’m not bringing her anywhere, but now she's a complete mess ready to throw herself in my face. So now I've had enough of this game and I tell her that I would drive her, she asks if it would be to the school. I say no, to the police station so we can call social services. I was not driving her to drop her off in the middle of nowhere. So she takes off, I call her M who had got a call from her saying she was safe. In the mean time my ODD is very upset as well because she was "loosing her BF after loosing her M, and just couldn’t handle it". Now WW is next door with the neighbor and doesn't hear any of this until ODD goes over all upset because I had forced out her BF. I go over to let her know that I would no apologize for getting upset after the stunt she pulled and to have the two of them try to spin it so I was the bad guy. I did the adult thing and was looking out for the kids’ safety. ODD was upset because I called her M and that now Bf would end up at GM's. Now the neighbor is talking to ODD and telling her that being mad at me was wrong because all I was doing was looking out for her. If anything she should be made at her BF. Here's the punch line she says "She's being selfish and only looking out for herself. She doesn’t care who she hurts in the process" WW was standing right beside her and it was all I could do to hold back asking WW if she could relate to that. It was classic. Any HOO (as Lala would say). When ODD came back in she was on the phone with BF for 1/2 hr and asked me if I was mad at BF I told her, no that I am worried about her. Then had nice talk with ODD to try to get her to understand that all the drams aside I had could not in good conscious drop her off in the middle of nowhere and not know where she was going. She understood but is still a little upset with me.

The moral of this story... It was the first time since D-Day that my WW saw the strong confident man she married... I'm finally Manning up!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're getting there a little at a time Queenie. I saw your posts today, and I feel so happy and proud for you.

Sounds like you are in the middle of something...wish your DD's friend would tell you what is wrong. Do you have any idea?

PS-We need to work on getting RIM away from her abusive H until he handles his anger issues. He MUST do this b4 they can work on their M...and b4 she ends up getting hurt. There is definite emotional abuse and borderline physical abuse. This is not a healthy atmosphere for her!

OOOOOHHHHHHH, thank gawd I don't have girls. I don't think I could take all that drama. I get enough of that from LaLa(just kidding). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Oh ya, they are both peas in a pod and hard headed. Now the 14yo is what I call (A freak of nature). She's 5'10" build like a linebacker (All muscle) and gorgeous...but she has her mother's temper and she's half her size, so when BF acts all tough it turns nasty. I feel for the poor kid, because at my place she just fine, I don't do the argument thing, I set the rules and it's up to you to follow them, you don't there are consequences. Usually a nice big NO when they want a ride somewhere does the trick, or I lock out the computer. Last night she got into it with her uncle about money that she is saying they stole from her, and it got pretty heated. But she started rebelling about three months ago, she came over right after her F had dropped her off, and she was upset. We found out that her F had told her she was a mistake. Now if it was those words, I don't know, but that's the impression she was left with. Last night was hard her because I'm the only male figure in her life that she has respect for, so when I didn't play the game, that really hurt her. I love the kid like she's my own, but right now I've got too many other worries. Once the dust settles a little I'm sure she'll come around.

It always kills me that you have to take classes and tests and stuff to drive a car, but any doofus can have a child. That poor girl! Good for her that she has you! "Not playing the game" last night will only solidify her respect for you. It shows her you care more about her well-being than being her friend.

I hope she will see that one day soon and know that when push comes to shove I'll be there for her. The bonus side effect of this is that I think after it was all done that I gain some of my ODDs respect back, and might have also got some back from my WW (But that last one is just wishful thinking... see I get caught up in expectation too sometimes).

TMTS,

I know all about expectations cause right now that was my biggest problem and that is why my WH finally left and his counsler thinks it is best for him now to not live at home cause he feels pressure to explain things to me and isn't ready to do that.

I hope your situation goes much better i would love to hear that from someone

Bella... ((((Bella))))

Whatever you do, don't loose hope.

Bella-- where is your thread?? I wanted to read up a bit... and offer some encouragement.

And where the heck did your hubby find this counselor?!?! Geez, sometimes it makes me wonder who they are giving degrees to do this stuff sometimes.... really, you have every right to question-- and your counselor should make him see that, not the other way around!! Grrr... but, also plan A also means that you can't do those things that upset him either... but you are entitled to questions, if he wanted to recover!

Hang in there... I'm gonna see if I can dig out your thread. You have a lot of support here. And, I am about your age, so at least we can commiserate there. Although, I don't have any children. I admire you for dealing with this with a 14 week old also! Wow, that takes STRENGTH!

(((((bella)))))))

RIM

Trying not to loose hope at all....he just sent me a text message to see how i was. i waited a while to answer him and just said ok...thanks for asking. My counsler told me to be aloof with him to make him wonder but to be polite. he knows i care about him but to give him the space he is looking for.

He left about 2 months ago for almost two weeks and says he wasn't ready to come back and right now he needs to figure out what he wants. But the last time it went three days before i contacted him and he wasn't so nice then. This was at least nice and it is nice to know he is thinking of me. It probably means nothing but it made me feel good. I hope it means he might come around tho.

HOpe you have a great weekend with all you have planned with your wife. I hope you don't mind me jumping onto your thread but i have always been reading along with yours and i wanted to cheer you on cause you are doing much better with plan A than i did. I couldn't do the no expectations very well.... hence the reason he left i suppose.

Bella, he left because he's foggy. My WW is still in foggy leaving mode and as far as I know she is still working out the details. But fir now she's still at home, and I work the plan. I know that she will probably leave, but I know that by working the plan I have done all I could and if she doesn't come backend we end up divorced, I will have no regrets.