Oh Ladies, you are the greatest.

RIM - Thanks for the little 2x4 there. Hang in there with H, he's coming around. Try this little trick, ask him once then hold him. Don't say anything, just hold him and stroke his arm or hair, then give him the odd little kiss on the hand or cheek.

LaLa - You know what the good news is... I had completely forgotten about that. It's really in the past. Ok, let’s take a little inventory.
-quit pot.
-talked to F about his A.
-learned more about my M and what I need to do better.
-discovered that I was emotionally stunted.
-rediscovered my faith.
-a more attentive and better dad.
-lost 40lbs and counting.
-cholesterol and blood pressure back to normal levels.

So I did alright... right?

Not - I gave you a little trick for your post on your thread.



Sorry, elaborate on this one for me. Maybe I'm just a little dense today.

It’s people like you that help me make it through my day. Thanks a bunch!!!

TMTS,

You are doing great!!! Look at those changes.. They are awesome. Take them and thank G-d for them. He is the one helping you.

I know how tough it is, truly I do.

What's the 5 qualities today?

Eh, those splinters come with nothing but love from this side <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I guess I just know all to much how easy it is to get a few negative thoughts and then the whole day just goes downhill from there... There was a day last week that I seriously spent 3/4 of my work day in the bathroom, trying to cover up the fact that I was bawling at work-- I think it was last Thursday. Anyways, occasionally I just need a big ol' 2x4 and some love from the list. I figured this week might be rough for you and that was why I was checking in frequently...

And I love your little inventory. I think you should print that out for yourself and hang that up somewhere. You did better than just alright... you've really made yourself into someone to be proud of!! Just to remind yourself of how far YOU'VE come. And really-- that list is QUITE an accomplishment given the circumstances and the stress you've been under.

Hubby and I went to the gym after work to work off a little stress. Then, while he worked on his computer, I made and cleaned up dinner, made our lunches for tomorrow, and even made dinner for tomorrow (a roast for in the slow cooker). The evening has been fine so far. We'll probably head to bed soon.

I would try your trick, but the problem is... EVERY SINGLE STINKING TIME he gets in these moods anymore, we are SEPARATED. It is usually during the day while we are both at work. Sigh. So usually there's not a whole lot I can do about it. We are both on instant messenger all day long at work and communicate that way. So what would you suggest in this case??

OK-- I am going to get some work done before I get to bed. I hope you have a good night... you will be in my prayers tonight. Take good care of yourself and those DD.

RIM

I presume the mediation isn't binding.

Typically...it's a big waste of time for the BH's on MB that have gone through it because it's merely an attempt by the court for you to settle your case quickly and amicably. This usually means that the BH is coerced and threatened with the unliklihood of winning (despite the fact that more than 50% of men that DO go to court win) in an attempt to get him to be "reasonable".

Your situation differs in that your wife apparently WANTS to give you the house and custody.

Again...I say play it out and take almost any agreement that gives you full primary custody of your kids. In the long run...the money will work itself out but if she is willing to sign off on them ....is proof, in and of itself, to me that those children should not be in her care.

Other than that...I can't advise. Mediation in Michigan is just a glorified settlement conference. Though they may be seemingly pressuring you to cave on certain issues YOU ARE NOT BOUND TO ANYTHING. Don't let them scare you.

Mr.Wondering

TMTS

In full agreement with MrW on the mediation thing. Don't get suckered in.

Smartie

I talked to my Lawyer yesterday and will be seeing her after this initial meeting. I am to take notes, no agreeing or negotiating nothing until I have met with her next week.
I know that the mediation itself is not binding, and it's really just a way to negotiate the LSA, therefore understand why having the lawyer is necessary. I will get more advice regarding custody as well, but in Ontario it's very much still geared towards the M, but we'll see what the lawyer has to say.

Good morning curlers...

How goes it this morning?

TMTS, I'm back to work today. I'll check in a few times as I have a chance.

Mark

Didn't realize you were in Canada!

How's it going this morning TMTS?? You seemed really down yesterday. Hopefully a little sleep and you are feeling a little better today.

RIM

Yep Southern Ontario, about 2 hours from Detroit.
Curling and sleep did the trick. Your post about the poker face helped too. You keep looking for something that deep down you know you will not find right now. I talked to my Lawyer for a couple of minutes last night, and will be seeing her sometime in the next couple of weeks.

I've got a massive headache this morning though, probably because the sleep I did get was not very restful.

We spent some time playing videogames again last night and had a blast. This is the annoying part of all this mess, we've always had fun together and laughed allot. I think that if she is going to miss anything about me it's going to be that, I've got a pretty wacky sense of humour.

Rim - Did you go through a stage where you thought you had been missing something and wanted to see other people?

Hey TMTS--

Yeah, I guess in hindsight, I kinda did. Like you and your wife, my hubby and I have been together since we were pretty young, I was 19 and he was 20 when we started dating. I think this phenomenon might be more common amongst people who start dating earlier in life as opposed to those who start dating later... but that is just my observation.

Anyways, I think I did... for awhile I thought I was missing out on something, missed out on all the fun of "dating"... I will admit, I became more "flirty" with other men besides OM. This all occurred AFTER I was very frustrated and upset with the state of my marriage (and had been for awhile). I think it is a pretty common thought, and truthfully, that thought crept into my head even before my A started... when I was very unhappy still. But, my situation was a little different in that my H travelled A LOT for work, so I was essentially living a "single life" Monday thru Friday, and then was married only for Saturday and Sunday (and most of the time all we did was fight on those days). There came a point where I looked forward to Monday thru Friday more than Saturday and Sunday... and I think that is when the whole "hey, I might be missing out on something here!" feelings crept in. Sorry if this part is a little hard to digest, I'm just trying to be honest with you in how I felt.

I guess I sort of learned that the old quote from the Wizard of Oz is true... "if you ever go looking for your heart's desire, don't look any further than your own backyard, because if its not there, then you never really lost it..." and truthfully, I think that occurred to me after I had been out of the house for a bit... and quite frankly was no happier than being in the house... and even MISSED being in the house. I realized that I had a "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" point of view... and that truthfully, maybe I should just tend to my own grass to make it greener rather than looking for other pastures... and there wasn't really an epiphany moment for that one, that realization came very slowly. Or it would come in bits and pieces and I would then repress it... (and of course, not show at all that that thought had crossed my mind!!).

I'm sorry your head hurts. I hope that you feel a little better this afternoon-- both physically and emotionally. Sounds like you have a solid plan for the mediator. Just stick to your guns and play it very cool.

I'll check in a bit later... I have a pretty busy day at work today, but I just wanted to answer your question while I had a chance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

RIM

Hi RIM

That helps, because it sounds like you went through the same steps she is and look at where you are. She has no real plan, just going with her gut, and I don't think she has any idea of the reality of moving out. My neighbor doesn't even think that this guy will be around for long if at all, so I'm nervous about her moving out anyway and starting to date. If that happens I don't know how I'll react but right now I'm thinking that it would be a deal breaker and would lead to an automatic D. But we'll cross that bridge if we ever get to it. You're comment about missing being in the house will also be a big deal for her. Her friends are our neighbors, and she always loved gardening. There many other little things that she likes about having a house that she's not thinking about. I just hope she comes to the same realization you did and gives me and us another chance, because I know I can make her happy.



My head is much better... the miracle of advil and cafeene.

Couple other things about mediation...

1. Your lawyer IS a part of the system herself and MAY also apply pressure on you to be "reasonable" as well.

2. The more "reasonable" you appear and act...the more pressure that will be exerted your way. Be as firm as you can and adamant in your position and just maybe they will pursue HER more aggressively.

3. Your wife WANTS to settle and give you custody...don't start a huge fight at mediation and tick her off to the point of wanting to actually fight you (and perhaps win). Thus...since nothing is binding, maybe you do ACT reasonable and amicable to ultimately win the war.

(edit to add...hopefully, there will eventually BE no war to win and she'll just reconcile)

Mr. Wonderng

In addition to missing my H, I also did miss our house also... my next door neighbor is a single dad and has a 5 year old daughter that is practically my daughter-- I love her to death. She's constantly at my house, and I am always taking her places and doing things with her. Her dad likes it because I am sort of the "mother figure" in her life (her own mom took off after her birth, and has no contact with them). Before you get any ideas, he is dating someone else, is 15 years older than me, and there is absolutely no interest between the two of us, either way. Our only conversations involve his daughter, pretty much. Always been that way. So-- I missed her immensely. In fact, I came back to the house so much after I moved out, that our neighbor-- to this day-- still doesn't know I ever even moved out.

I, like your wife, also enjoyed gardening, both flowers and veggies. No more of that in an apartment. That was ALSO something I came back home to do. I actually planted flowers and veggies at a house I didn't live at any more!! (maybe I should have thought a little more about what I was doing and what it meant, eh??).

While I did still continue contact with OM while I was out of the house, I never dated or even really had interest in dating anyone else tho. I had enough on my plate as it was.

And while it seems stupid to want her to come back because of houses and neighbors, ANYTHING you can use right now to get her to stay is good, because then slowly she'll realize that they are not the ONLY reasons she is there anymore... but that she is HAPPY there, with YOU-- because of the changes.

Oh-- and I didn't believe that my husband could make the changes he needed to either. But he did. And, like you mentioned, he could say it until he was blue in the face... I had asked him so many times to change these things, and he hadn't that I just didn't believe that he was going to now, for real. But, when those changes stick, for awhile, then you believe it (also, beauty of plan A!). Just like i have to do with my H now, who doesn't believe that I'VE changed away from my alien life form, or that I won't just go back to it. But I have. And I can say it until I'm blue in the face, but again it won't help. But, slowly his changes got to me, and I can only hope my changes are getting to him.

Hang in there TMTS! You are still doing great. Vent here. Just let her see your plan A!

RIM

RIM - Thanks for this, it does give me hope. I know every situation is different but hearing this helps.

Now can you pull off some sort of hollywood type majic trick where you enter her body and make HER see this. LOL

Mark I am at 48...but still no email at home. It is one wild ride... you can email me at work anytime.

TMTS,

Hey just checking in with ya...Hey don't take any of the "male" comments to heart, you gotta know right now they are really WS comments. Had MC appointment today. Tell ya all bout it on my thread. Oh yeah, and remind me never to play poker with you....lol...Hope today is going well, and thanks for the support. Sometimes you sound so gun-ho about your Plan A, I would have never thought you were having similiar thoughts. It kind of helps to know mine are not original.


not2fun

ps. get the flowers yet???

OK-- I'm having a bit of a freak out myself right now (I'm putting this on your thread because I know my hubby occasionally reads along with mine, and right now I don't want him to know I'm flipping... yet).

So, this weekend, on Saturday, he got a phone call from a weird number on his cell at like noon. Didn't leave a message. I didn't think THAT much of it, but I did try calling it back after he left the room from his phone (it was a weird area code-- 858-- which I now know is San Diego...). No one answered.

Truthfully, I kinda forgot about it until tonight. While he was upstairs, I quickly went thru his phone log (I occasionally still do this because he still hasn't earned MY trust back...even though he thinks he should have-- how or why, I have NO CLUE... as far as I'm concerned I have no reason to trust him right now, but that's just my opinion...). Anwyays, there was a call either to or from (he was coming back downstairs, so I quickly put the phone down, and he's been sitting here the rest of the night, so I haven't gotten a chance to look again) that number, AGAIN. Not missed this time. He either called it or it called him.

Now-- not so disturbing yet, eh? Well-- what makes it disturbing?? His OW from his 3rd very involved EA was supposed to move to San Diego. I have no clue whether or not she actually DID, and as far as I know, their last contact was last February.

I'm freaking. I tried reverse looking the phone number up, and it just comes up as "unlisted or unavailable". I have the number memorized because right now I'm about ready to have a cow. He has no clue. I haven't let on at all.

This could be nothing, right?? I want to gather more data before I REALLY flip. It could just be a coincidence, right? I mean, I don't even KNOW if she moved to San Diego... Ahhh... I have stuff I have to do for work for tomorrow (I have a big presentation tomorrow at work!), and I CAN'T THINK because that STUPID PHONE NUMBER keeps coursing through my head.

Help!

How has the rest of the day gone for you??

RIM

Sorry not, you lost me here...I must be following too many threads.
See I get messed up at times too. She doesn't get the pleasure of seeing it anymore...everything is a ok as far as she is concerned. I'm getting a little "here is what I'm feeling letter" with Jennifer's direction (I printed out my thread this morning (267pages) but forgot it at work) I've basically been journaling here, so all my feelings have come out here. I started doing it in writing, but this is better, because a journal can't slap you upside the head when you need it, you get that here. An as you have seen, I respond quite well to it.

RIM - I don't think it serve you any purpose to loose it until you have something concrete. Follow your gut and snoop away, but get something he can't deny or talk himself out of.

I'm actually doing fantastic...I'm just about ready for the mediation meeting, got my lawyer waiting for my call, made a lasagna (I had made the sauce on Sunday, so no big deal), took out the garbage, clean the bathroom and ran 2.5 miles. Then when my WW and ODD got back from shopping she called downstairs and said "HON! I got something for you". She hasn’t called me hon in over a month and a half. I'm not reading into it, but it felt nice was a little LB filling there. Little does she know that it just help boost the tank to keep the plan going. Oooowahahahaha.

So, what did she get you, dangit! Don't keep us in suspense silly man!

Now you're starting to sound like Mrs. W. with her silly foreigner jokes. LOL

She got me PJ bottoms.

She's really pleasant right now and I wonder if it's the buttering up that Mr. W was alluding to. Yet it makes running the plan allot easier, but I don't trust it. Until she comes up to me and says I want to stay with you and fix our marriage I question the ulterior motives of her actions. She also could be feeling comfortable about what to expect from me at the meeting. Big mistake on her part, because when she sees that I'm just gathering information with the intention of consulting a lawyer she won't be as nice.
It will be interesting...I'm glad she got me those now cause she might not be buying me much by the end of the week.

I mentioned this on my thread, but I may not be able to get on here much, if at all, tomorrow. If not, good luck (not that luck has anything to do with it) on Thursday.