I have yet to see this when she does pull away. She usually goes and hides at the neighbors (Where I also found out she does her own share of crying).



This is not longer and issue. I quit cold Turkey on March 9, 2007. Had three relapses. Two with WW included. One was smoked at the Genesis concert, and one in the summer when we went to the horse races. One at Christmas with my BF who just finished going through the same thing. So as far as she is concerned I am clean. She is proud of the fact that I went cold turkey, and more impressed that I was able to have one and not crave it.



This is big... Please comment as well, as I completely forgot to put that in.

The conversation actually went to that for a little. When we met with the mediator, he mentioned that I could go directly to Divorce because of adultery if it is uncontested, it's not a big deal. So I told him that I wouldn’t do than unless I consulted my lawyer about it first. So she asked me about that tonight....

WW- Are you serious about considering a D?
Me- Not at all, but I thought that his is what you wanted.
WW- Well I thought that we would go to separation, I haven’t thought of D at all.
ME- Oh ok, you know that my position is to not have any of this and work on our M.
WW- I know.
ME- But if you want to get LSA route, I would prefer that over a D, as that is final.
WW- Well how is it final?
ME- The marriage would be over.
WW- Ya, I guess.

Sorry folks that was an important part of it.

The lumber yard is closed for the evening...

I'm proud of you, TMTS.

Very well done...

Mark

TMTS,
I know you’re hurting but you’re in a much better position than I am right now. My WW left before I found this site. I’m going to have to try plan A from a distance… And remember… she’s still in the house…Continue with plan A… don’t stop just because she says she’s moving.

Bravo TMTS... you were REAL with her. That conversation is going to replay in her head at night when she's alone. I pray that it invades her dreams. The only suggestion I have is now that she's said she's going to move, you don't help her with that at all... financially or physically. That's her deal, not yours.

TMTS,
Yes, Plan A her with all you've got. Breakfast, flowers, dinner, laundry...you ROCK!

Mr.W is right though, be careful for the pendulum to swing in the other direction. If and when it does, just keep calm and maintain a self confident attitude.

Let her see that you are a strong man, give her a reason to stay.

No LB's, no R talk, but reflect a SELF-ASSURED husband who knows what he is doing the right thing, and knows what he wants, no matter what.

Please let us know how it goes today. We'll all be praying for you.

~Free

Hi PM, I was wondering if you would chime into this one.
I didn't do to bad did I? That point was what started the conversation; I'm taking the kids to their grandparents for the weekend while she gets her stuff out. The thing that does suck is that I got to drive by her place to get to the local driving range. The other thing I found out this morning is that she is moving into one of the poorest slimiest neighborhoods in town.

I think she was really taken back by the fact that I had started studying the bible and been praying. She is not very religious either but was hurt by my not telling her that life after death was ridiculous. I know believe differently and apologized for making her feel that way. She sobbed quite hard right then.

I’ve become good in relating to “in the moment” which means all I do is look for opportunities to meet ENs. By focusing solely on that, there is not room for R talk, A talk or LBs. Even if she does say or do something that I might respond to negatively, I look to see if I can spin it into an EN. So this is the base of my plan, focusing only the positive parts don’t leave any room for the negative parts to crop in.

Update on this morning - She just left for work. I got up with her to make her pancakes and found I had no mix or eggs, so on my way through picking these up I get her a little bag of chocolate heart valentines. She just came downstairs all giddy asking me where they came from. So of course I play stupid... I don't know, maybe you have an admirer. She says, ya I know who that is, (kind of blushing) she said thanks "you know I love chocolate".
I think I'm starting to get this Plan A thing...

Been keeping up on your story. You have been given great support and so I have nothing to add. I am not sure I have your strength.

You sir are a master of Plan A opportunities. Your emotions have been at the right moment with the right amount of touch.

I admire your timing - your wife will fall in love with you again I am sure. Please protect your dtrs during this trying time though.

So is she planning on leaving the children with YOU?

I like Mr. W's idea of having her write down separation discussions. All WS's are very foggy and say one thing one day, and something else another day. Now that my ex wants to get back with me, I am seeing all kinds of things that HE claims are misunderstandings. He says he doesn't remember saying a lot of stuff. It would be so much better to have written correspondence.

You are doing very well. Hang in there.

TMTS,

Last night when I read the letter before I went to bed I thought to myself my gosh there isn't anything wrong with your post by being needy or anything. I think it was absolutely amazing what transpired and totally awesome.

It was a true gift from G-d.

BUT THEN MY INSECURITIES took over and I was afraid to tell you that because it might have been wrong or I would have looked stupid. I'm glad my first reaction was what everyone else thought.

You are absolutely doing amazing. Whatever it is, keep praying and doing.

RW

Thanks for the support. I hope and pray that you are right.
Are you a leaf or habs fan?

Good morning Believer - Yes the initial intention was to do a share one week at a time, but since the mediator meeting I will be asking for the Kids to be with me during the week during school, and she could have weekends that she is not working and share holidays. Summer time can be one week in each. Yes everything will be discussed in writing, all negotiation points and agreement will also be emailed to the mediator and each other.

The D word came up last night and I used it to jump into making sure she remembered what my position is and that I still wanted to work on the M. I in no way wanted to separate so divorce is out of the question. If my plan has not made any effect then she stone cold lost in the fog. I'll know I did what I could.

Queenie, thank you so much. I look forward to your post because I see them as blessings. I know you ask g-d to help me and I appreciate it.

Wow TMTS, you rock. I LOVE the Valentine's candy story. That was a keeper for sure. I do think you've got it by golly. As far as her moving to the bad part of town, the only downside I see to that is that the kids will have to visit her there. The upside is that she may find living on her own ain't all it's cracked up to be. She's gotta be frightened.

I would think that she is. I have to think that last nights talk had to break through some of the fog. If not it's going to be a real tough road. The talk was very loving, lots of touching and crying from both sides. I am hoping that there is a part of her that is desperately trying to convince herself that I am able to make the changes needed to meet her needs. The problem is that even if there is, it's fighting against a WW that is trying to keep the A going.
Only time will tell...

I wish i had your pillar of strength when my WH gives me lines like that. I am trying to do my best to learn from your exmaple.... you definatley are a MB hero in my book

TMTS,

Where did you start learning what to say to her? Practice or just hit you all of a sudden?

Toomuch is one of those people that takes a situation that he is having a problem with, searches for the answer, reads and studies and reads and studies the answers/solutions over and over and then puts it into use. He is a do-er. Very meticulous and thorough, very analytical and productive.

A master student of the great healpers here, like Mark and Mr/Mrs W, etc. (although when he gets whiney, we ALL love to smack him around!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are so right LaLa about all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Though I will say and this is new for me. When I get to Plan A my H it's good. I just don't get the opportunties as much as possible, so I don't get the practice to learn what to say. I have had some great ones though. I'm still smiling at what I said to him two months back about OW being a part of his life.

BUT, I am changing tremendously for myself and that is most important in Plan A. He is LOSING A WINNER andmore importantly, G-d is gaining a humble servant.

You betcha skinsgal! And I wasn't taking anything away from any of the other BSs who are going through this...TMTS has just had a little more "ideal" (for lack of a better word) situation in that she is still living with him and isn't quite as, um, HATEFUL in her fogginess, ya know! It has given him the opportunity to do a great Plan A. My heart goes out to all of you, though.

Hi folks,

You guys have got to help me out. I don't know what I said that was so special. I just kept it about how I felt about her and what I was doing about me. That can be attributed to Mark and the Wonderings. But the courage to do it in a calm manner is due to ALL of you and the moral support that I've been given.

I just waited until she brought up the move and repeated what she already knew about how I felt. The only difference is that for the first time I think she felt that it came from my heart. I just waited for my shot and took it, up until then if I couldn't come up with a good reverse babble I just shut up.

Queenie, can you be more specific about what you saw that I said to her.

Lala - You're making me blush now. I guess that in my walk back towards god I realized that sometimes you have to have faith and follow direction.

You're so right. this is a big difference. It's almost like she's waiting for a sign from her heart that will tell her that she can still love me. (Or that may be wishful thinking)

We did tell you why...TRUTH and LOVE. Quit being so analytical, ya silly canuck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />