I'm almost 1/2 way through "Hope for the Separated." It's not as good as Love Languages - he has some pretty interesting thoughts - it's worth the read, and it's not a long book anyway.

Lala you're the best. How you took that and spun it into something positive. Hey you could be right, but that's not what my guy is telling me. I know I'm over analyzing, geez, you all know that's what I do, and been doing all along, so I figure I must already be crazy. LOL Hey at least I'm not down about it as much, so that's good. You guys know me too well now and it's hard to get anything by you guys.

I know you all are going to give me a few 2x4s for this next one but...

What and/or how should I adjust my Plan a once she has moved out? Meeting the ENs is where I will have trouble. She I be calling her daily to see how she's doing? Texting her, dropping by? I want to be ready this time (Mark will understand that one). Then I can get ready for Plan B.

TMTS,

I actually think I am a good resource for Plan A when they move out. Since that is all I have had to work with. There are LOTS you can do.

But first is the mindset. This took me a LONG LONG time to understand and grasp. As HER HUSBAND, you are in a position of POWER in many respects. What do YOU want to do? Remember Plan A is keeping the FOCUS ON YOU, making those CHANGES that you want to.

PLAN A, is still no EXPECTATIONS and when they are gone from the home, you won't get any at all. TRUST ME. So, just do those things because you want to do them. Does that make sense?

Not a 2 x 4, but maybe a little adjustment in reminding yourself why you are doing this. She is going to do what she does, but you are the one with THE PLAN. You are purposeful in what you are doing because it's about YOU.

TMTS,

You're going to have quite the library before this is all over.

And BTW, your local lending library is a good source for a lot of stuff you can read and then not have to pay for when you're done with it. It's where I got SAA to read.

Something else you might want to look into, is to find a local Christian radio station and listen to the talk shows and teaching shows when you can, even just during drive time in the morning and afternoon. It's amazing what getting a Christian world view into your mind can do for you.

Also, check out New Life Ministries They have some resources worth checking out and also have a radio show that is aired on weekdays from 1 to 2 EST. This is the home of John Townsend and Henry Cloud of "Boundaries" fame and also of Steve Arterburn (Every Man's Battle) and a host of others. Some good self healing stuff on this site...

Mark

Mark,

Oh you don't understand, I love books, the first thing I ask myself is if there is any chance that I will read this more than once, if yes I buy it. Actually this will be my 4th bible....if you count the Dave Pelz short game and putting bibles, but that another religion all together. LOL

Ok, about this ray of hope....

I was talking to the neighbor in who she confides in. She went over there after the mediator meeting and from the information I am getting, the fog may be lifting a little. She told her, and she quoted..." I think I could love WH that way again" I know not to get my hopes up too high because the N thinks that she may be in the same position as 14th WW and that she may be trying to save face. We shall see.... she just came downstairs got to go.

Remember your own advice - no expectations. Good news nonetheless, if it's sincere.

TMTS....

Hope all is going well...Just poppin in on ya again...I am getting sick...my sinus' are a mess, so I probably will only be lurking for the next couple of days....lol..keep up the good work. Luckily for me WS is out of town again, so I don't have to worry about all my work unraveling while I am sick..lol...talk to you soon

not2fun

ps...I am sending you more laundry since I am too sick to do it....lol

Hi guys,

14 - NO EXPECTATIONS.... man that's my meditation mantra.
I hope the Ns read is right. She’s probably the one that knows most what is going on. She was telling ODD to be patient, and that her M did Love her F but was scared.
I sure do hope that it's sincere.

Not - Sorry to hear about our sinuses. No wonder you’re sick, you've been running around naked for the last week. LOL
Take care of yourself.

We had a very nice night, I got in a kiss on the forehead, a hug smiles, gave her a little backrub and played guitar hero for almost two hours. She's not working tomorrow so she went to watch a movie with the other N. This is the one who tells it like it is. So I can just imagine what she's telling her over there because she thinks WW has lost her mind.

She has not brought up anything about the mediator again. From what the N was telling me, that meeting and my handling of it really freaked her out. It became very real for her just then, especially when I mentioned that it was her choice to get the LSA as temporary, permanent or if she wanted to go straight to the big D.

I ask for a favor from all that can and will. Please say a prayer for god to guide her out of the fog and into my arms where she belongs.

I've got you covered on the prayer.

Oh, man, you know I love to hand you the NO EXPECTATIONS line as much as anyone, but I think she is starting to crack. Oh, don't get me wrong, the roller coaster isn't over yet...not by a long shot, but especially the line "I think I could love BH that way again" and what she said to your ODD...that is hope, man. It really is. Keep working your plan, though. The worst may be yet to come...but we shall see. Expectations would just muck it all up, though, so-- cool as a cucumber you shall be!!!

My prayers are with you always...

I am SO happy for this LV. You are in my prayers tonight.

Keep us posted and take care of yourself.

I haven't seen what qualities you like about yourself for over a week now. Remind me again?

Prayers headed north!

Sorry about confusing your post with mopey's TMTS! DOH! What a dork! I responded to you on my thread. You are such a great person!

Good morning all, and thanks for the prayers.

Lala, don't worry about your post, I was laughing when I first read it this morning because the first thought that came to mind was that you took one too many Motrin. LOL.
I could tell by what you were saying that you were responding to me. Your right the neighbor’s pep talk was very encouraging, the fact that she was telling ODD directly not to loose hope and where she thought my WWs thinking was made a big difference. Thing is that WW knows that I only talk to this neighbor once in a while and it's always been idle chat, also she has become the only person that will listen to the fog speak just to let WW get it out. WW has no idea that I'm getting background pep talks and being told the status of her thinking. The other item we talked about quickly is that the friendship WW has with the neighbors is very much out of convenience. Like she said, right now it's easy to call up WW and say, hey come check out the new outfit I got, and tell me how it looks. It's easy because it's two doors down, but when she moves a few miles away, it's not like the neighbor is going to call her to drive over.

I do recognize that this may (or may not) be a first glimpse of lifting fog, and I stay firmly planted in the belief that the hard part has even yet to start (If I get a chance to start it). But I do feel more hopeful than I have in months, and still hope to introduce her to all of you someday soon in the hopes that meeting others that have gone thought this from her perspective can help her work through things.

You know what I found out last night... It's really hard to find somewhere that will sell a single rose at midnight on a Wednesday. So I had to compromise, and get her a little box of heart shaped lindor chocolates (her fav.) and put the note on that. She came in pretty late so I haven’t seen to talked to her since. But we shall see.

I'm hopeful that she starts to see what she's thinking about losing and comes around, too. It's funny, I was out at 9:30 last night buying a single rose as well. I did manage to find them at the florist inside of our local grocery store, so I'm waiting to see if there is any comment, too. I doubt that she will say anything, though. Most of the Plan A stuff that I do these days only pisses her off. It's getting to the point where I feel like ANYTHING that I do will piss her off and that I can't win. Oh well.

I'm guessing only time will tell because it sounds like between this idea that they will hook back up in 6 months (The arrangement they talked about), then hearing that OM is badmouthing her, she is just pissed off at the world. Pissed at your past issues, pissed off that he is not what she though he was, but It sounds like she's mostly pissed off that you won't bite at the bait which makes her really think about what she's doing and why. About SH, I would wait a little and see what she does over the next week, because she hasn't talked about the L so I wonder if this slapped so reality back into her.

I talked to my WW this morning (called her to tell her to be careful driving if she goes out because the roads are real slippery) she thanks me for the chocolates, and told me to be careful on the roads as well. Very pleasant this morning. God I hope this is the beginning of the new beginning...

NO EXPECTAITONS, NO EXPECTAITONS, NO EXPECTAITONS, NO EXPECTAITONS, NO EXPECTAITONS!

Work the Plan, Work the Plan, Work the Plan, Work the Plan, Work the Plan!

I actually think that the idea of them hooking back up in 6 months is long since off the table. That was what he told her when he "sort of" broke it off (for the 3rd time) before Christmas. When he broke it off the 4th (and hopefully final) time 2 weeks ago, he just yelled at her telling her that what they had done was wrong and that he never wanted her to contact him again. He told her that if she had any respect for him (that's REALLY funny) that she would honor his request.

My guess is that that is what caused most of the early anger, but now the anger is more related to me and my Plan A behavior.

Hopefully, the L brought some reality into her world, but if her behavior last night (reading one of her D books and taking notes) was any indication of where her head is at, then she's back in life will be fine after D fantasy land.

I'm glad your interactions with your WW were pleasant. Maintain hope, but keep a rein on the expectations.

P.S. I'm copying this into my thread to see if anyone else has any thoughts.

TMTS,

Thanks for posting to LaLa last night. I really appreciate that all of you take the time to support her when I'm unable to. I'm doing all I can to make her take better care of herself and quit pushing so hard. Did i mention that she is STUBBORN?

Anyhoo, I really do think with the things you DW is saying to the neighbors this just might be the beginning of the fog lift. Just keep up with the plan and see where it takes you. Remember, you have all of us in your corner cheering you on. Don't make me bring up the pom pom image again! As the supposed moving day gets closer and closer she is going to be increasingly paniced over the decision she is making. I bet she cracks b4 then. Hang in there!

Want2Stay

I've got to scan that note sheet and e-mail it to you, you'll LYHO.

Thanks for all your support.

Deleted because what I wrote didn't turn up where I wanted it to and I gotta figure out why...

OK...

14...I am posting something to your thread so go check it out.

If you guys have already read it here and wondered what happened to it, you guys are too IM oriented for me. It took me so long to reply to a post that the subject had changed completely before I got it up.

Mark