SF is my Number 1 EN. How thoughtful of WH to withhold that from me for over a year while he was having SF with someone else all the while telling me I wasn't safe and he couldn't trust me. I can't tell you how many nights I begged him to help me understand what he needed me to do and how his withholding SF was driving me insane. He just looked at me and I now know it was the WW glaze look. That HURTS....

Thank you....

DANG TMTS!!!!!




You are smoooooooooth! I'll bet you'll get lucky before the week is out....you smooth talking BSer you.


Holy crap I'm glad I broke no contact. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I wish I had seen this a couple of hours ago, it's perfect and takes care of both issues. That' basically want I want to tell her, especially about OM.

I keep seeing beleiver out there on the coast shaking her head saying "she isn't going anywhere" I sure do pray your right.

I need a smack this morning! I tossed and turned all night just stinkin thinkin then I realized that what was going through my head were darn expectations!!!

She saw the door handle this morning and asked me about it, so I told her that I'm changing the locks because she will not be living here anymore. She told m that I couldn't do that unless her name was off the deed. Is said ok, I'll check that with the mediator, she said she already did.
So this means that she intends to go with a temporary LSA where none of the assets are divided. I need to talk to the mediator today about this, because to me with her going with a temporary it allows her to go have her fun while keeping the foot in the door. By going with a permanent the deed is changed over into my name and asset are divided, but then if she does return the house remains mine.
It might sound harsh but to me the temporary should be called the cake eaters LSA.

I hardly slept last night. I know that lack of sleep contributes to stinkin thinkin, but I need to get this off my mind.

As good as things seem to be looking my gut feeling is that POS OM fed my WW a BS line about the GF and she bought it hook line and sinker. I'm dealing with a predator that has no conscious, it's all about the game to him. I found out from the neighbor that their first face to face was not so good. Something to the effect that he had mentioned to her to go dance with his friend and than told her he did ever want to see her again when they go back to the table. So she asked him if he wanted her to leave, he said yes so she left. He calls her a few minutes later giving her the sorry I didn't mean it line. YET SHE IN LOVE WITH THIS JERK!!!!

I'm starting to get pissed off at the shear stupidity shown by her judgments now and it's really draining the LB. I don't know if I'll be able to go more than two weeks before going on a very dark Plan B.

She told me this morning as part of our door handle discussion that he has no plans on coming around the house so I shouldn't worry about her still having a key. It's a matter of principal to me as well, you don't live there by your own choice so why should you have a key (I left a message for the mediator to call me about that one).

Stick to your guns and your plan. You will have many periods of false hope. I had "dates" with my WW before she left. I took whatever sliver of hope I could get from them, little realizing that she was fooling me to make her escape easier.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking there is hope. There may be, but function as if there isn't. This is to protect yourself and your kids from someone who has lost her ability to think clearly and wants to act like a teenager.

Point taken, will do.

Just talked to the mediator. I can only change the locks once I've paid her out for the house equity. From his point of view she is talking to him about a permanent LSA where the assets are divided and paid out immediately, which makes sense because she needs the money. So I've put a call in to my mortgage broker to make sure I can carry the extra amount I would require, if not then we look into liquidating the RRSP to pay her out.

Funny thing with all of this is that she has not talked about it since she talked to him on Sunday. Are the second thoughts for real?

It's tough, man. This woman that you love dearly and had kids with is suddenly acting whacky. You look for signs of that woman you fell in love with and not the alien you deal with on a daily basis.

I don't know if you saw the transformation happen before your eyes or not. I didn't. I was deployed when mine went off the deep end and I was only gone for 2 months.

I remember constantly looking for any sign of hope from her words, our dates, her empty promises.

She did the internet thing as well and flirted heavily with guys she met online. It's tough to see that so I know how you feel, to an extent.

In your situation you're dealing with OM. I had several OM since none were involved in a relationship but were flirting online with her.

So now you will face the very real possibility that she will be out and free to be single. It's going to take a lot of discipline on your part but you really have to stick to the plan and go dark. Your kids are old enough where they can call her if they'd like and she can call them and you don't have to be involved.

You're on the verge of Plan B, from the looks of it, and have done a great Plan A. I know this is going to be very painful for you. It's been 2 years for me and it's only been the last few months or so where I have felt much better and am truly making good progress to carrying on with my life.

I expect that the next year will continue to improve.

Be the beacon for your kids. Don't make divorce easy. Drag your feet and take forever to answer everything. Don't willingly cooperate unless you really finally wish to be rid of her, but even then, don't trust your feelings.

You will be making major life altering decisions in the next few weeks and will be doing it in a terribly emotional state.

The big thing here, and you need to keep this very much in mind, is that SHE is leaving and leaving you with the kids. This can be considered abandonment in court.

Not only that, but you establish yourself as the primary caretaker for the kids. Focus on them. While you're hurt and confused, they are having their security destroyed by this woman.

I remember holding my kids as they slept or right after they woke up and having tears stream down my face knowing that it was truly over.

The most painful thing my ex made me do was pack my daughter's room. Tearing down the wallpaper border ripped me up inside.

You've got a rough road ahead, my friend, but it will be worse if you're weak and don't stand up for your rights as a father.

You have two daughters you need to think of and put first and foremost in your mind. One of them is at a terribly fragile age. My brother went through my parent's divorce at that age and it was shattering for him. He's just now, 12 years later, emerging as the man we all knew he could be, but was a lost person for years because he got sidetracked at a vulnerable age due to my father's selfishness.

Be the rock of stability for them. Be the one who is familiar and is home to them. Your ex may move on and try to force feed a new man into their lives, but that man will never be daddy. They can know that in your house they are number one above anyone and everyone else.

You will get over your ex. You will never get over the love of your children and they will be grown and gone before you know it.

If you can't change the locks, then by the same token, you get keys to her apartment, I would request them immediately, as it is being paid for with marital assets it is 1/2 yours, right?

Once she's out, change the locks. Force her to go to court to get it reversed.

There is something in the law about what one calls one's primary residence, I believe Charlotte discusses it in her thread when she changed her locks. Plan on changing the locks bro.

No point in arguing about it with her. You do what you need to do. And to he11 with that mediator too! You haven't signed anything, you haven't agreed to anything. What you need, my friend, is an attorney, not a mediator. Put on a smile for the mediator, don't sign anything, and do what you need to do.

..and if she leaves, consider getting an alarm system installed, with a code that only you know. Hey, do that even if you can't change the locks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

Tyk,
Remember that TMTS is in Canada and things work a little different there than they do for us southerners...

TMTS,
You're doing really well, my friend. As long as you keep those expectations under control you'll be alright.

Weren't you writing her a letter to tell her about how you felt about this? Or do I have you confused with someone esle.

A letter might be in order. That is, IF you really do have the position that if she sees OM or any other OM during LSA, you are through. If you can actually go into Plan B and let go until she gets it together, then don't play that card as a way to try to manipulate her. It can only backfire.

If she is done with OM and doesn't see how things can ever be repaired because of the damage of the affair, telling her that it can't be fixed under specific circumstances would ensure she will never return, because she will not be able to undo what is already done in her eyes.

If you get to Plan B, make your criteria for returning, No OM or any future OM in your marriage, MC with a counselor of your choosing, a willingness to work on the marriage and anything else that you absolutely must have. But if you plan to make one of the conditions that she not attempt to continue her affair or anything along those lines, you might be shooting yourself in the foot.

Nothing you are thinking or saying can ever be used as a threat; that will certainly be challenged. If your motives are to convince her or control her or force her hand into doing what you want, you are doing it for the wrong motive. So don't start down that road.

It will be your actions that win the war, not your manipulations. Fine line sometimes, but the only way to tell the difference is to judge your own motive for doing it.

I am a little worried about something you said earlier...
Does this mean that she is in contact with him right now? Is she discussing her plans with him? This is the most dangerous part of this if this is the case.

Get ready for Plan B. That means have an intermediary lined up and on board, your PBL written up and your finances secured for a day soon after the move if it really comes.

You don't have to jump into it right away, but you need to be ready to pull the trigger quickly, so it needs to all be in place.

Because if she does indeed continue to see OM, you need to be in self protection mode so you don't lose everything for the future.

Because statistically, the A will end and she will seek to reconcile.

You just have to have enough love left for her to pull it off then.

Dam*ed expectations... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Mark

More new info about OM. My neighbor (God love her!!!) Got him on MSN chat and asked him straight out what is going on between him and my WW. He told her that he is in fact in another relationship and is living with this new girl. He has no feelings for my WW and has not for the last few months. He was planning to help her move (This Saturday), because he had committed to do so (What and honorable POS he his) and tell her exactly what is going on at that time. So my neighbor is trying to get him back on there to convince him to tell her that it's over before she actually moves out. Like I told her the sooner the better as it gives me more Plan A time. My neighbor was telling me that they (her and other neighbor) were raising red flags for the last month but she wouldn't see it. Remember the whole New Years Eve thing, the initial plan was to meet up with him, but he never called her. The whole story about his sister telling not to call there any more, of course if he's not living there.

So now we see when he comes back online with her and see if he will tell her before the weekend.

Do any of you think that it's a good idea if I could chat with him on line and explain my situation and what I'm doing? I'd even give him the opportunity to ask me about the lies my WW spewed to him about me.

Did your neighbor keep a log of that chat? Forwarding it to your WW might help clear her fog a bit.

Mark, sorry, I was writing this in word as you were positing. He is a goner, and the whole thing is going to blow up in her face. This guy is a piece of work, to string her along like that living with someone else is despicable.
He was telling neighbor that he was telling her after they were done the move. What an idiot. Tell her now, and she might rethink the move!!! That’s the plan now, with help from my snooper. She is so mad at my WW because she has been pointing out the red flags for months and she is unwilling to see them, true fantasy land. I am really starting to see where this truly is a fog of judgment.
I'm hoping Lala and W2s win that bet!!!

I don't see any good that could come of that, honestly. The only good thing would be to tell him that you are losing your W, the mother of your 2 girls, over his games and that he could either tell her today, or you could make his life a living h3ll. The other thing you could do, is have your N save the chat and show it to her later. I think that would be the best idea, since this guy seems to not be a threat (he has a live-in gf) and doesn't even seem to have been much of one to begin with...your WW is just living in a fantasy land.

BTW- Mark, I don't think there is a thing wrong with him stating a boundary as far as sitting around waiting while she dates a bunch of guys. My statement that I wrote him to say to her said nothing about the old OM or even anything specific, other than to express how much it would hurt him to sit by and watch her date around. She told the neighbor straight out that she thought she could get away with dating around for a while and then TMTS "loves her enough to take her back." He needs to pop that fantasy right now. He has done a great Plan A, obviously, if she thinks he loves her so much that she can do what she pleases and then waltz back into open arms. That leaves way too much of a safety net, IMO. That crosses the line between the Harley plan and being a doormat. If she hadn't said what she did to the neighbor, I may feel differently, but that was a blatant show of her callousness with regards to his feelings. He needs to man up now and show some backbone. She will respect him for it in the long run.

But that's just IMO, TMTS....

The great thing in all of this is that the neighbor has presented her self as not taking any sides, just to listen. WW doesn't think we talk at all, so she has no clue that I am being fed all this information. The two neighbors are great, because they see the irrational thought process she is going through, and the fact that [censored] one of them told me "The worst possible day spent with you would be better than what either of us have as well as a majority of people, she doesn't know what she's going to loose"

About talking to him, I would be more than happy to just ask him to tell her today if he could, and then tell her that he couldn't help her move. I don't think he would want to get into any more details anyway.

Tmts,

I wouldn't even bother to talk to him. He's, most likely, not going to listen to you anyway or do "the right thing."

I hope your neighbor saved the conversation and can show your WW.

LC

Hire a PI and get pics of OM with his GF. It is cheaper than divorce.

A door handle. Haha, and you know what, I had to read further down in the posts to even UNDERSTAND why you bought a door handle. I thought maybe yours was broken and you were just being a good guy and fixing it. HAHAHA. I am such a moron.

RIM