Anyone with a newer registration date than YOURS
Anyone with FEWER POSTS than you have


I'm not. Longstanding regulars are repulsed by bullying behavior on the boards, and how it is tolerated, so they are leaving in droves.

Who is left? Newer posters!

I think it might be helpful to point out the poor advice on specific threads and commenting (respectfully) how its off the mark. It would also help the person who is offering the poor advice as well by correcting their misconceptions.

I'm just worried that this type of generalization might scare people off from giving any response at all because others might not deem it "strictly MB".

Also, and I am NOT trying to stir the pot, but I also notice that some of the vets are spending their time debating over a single poster and a few of the newbies are not getting responses.

BTW, I'm not trying to be rude at all, so I hope it didn't come across that way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I thought I'd chime in too.
I'm a newbie who's obviously just getting started in attempting to facilitate NC for my own WW and hopefully get on to recovery.
I think what you are saying is significant and true.
Though I have only posted a couple of times on other threads, I have done so.
I think for me, what I did was with good intention. I already feel a need to give something back for all the support and help I've received in my short time here.
I think in the few cases where I did reply, it was that I felt that the situation was exactly like something I had experienced, and wanted to help.
I realize in reading this thread, that I'm probably not really ready to help anyone YET. It will come in time, but for now I'll stick to trying to sort out my own issues with WW with all of your help.
Once I've got a success to share, perhaps then would be the right time for me to impart some wisdom to others. To try to do so now might lead someone away from their goal, and I don't want to do that. What has seemed like the right thing to do in my own tragedy has not generally worked as I hoped. I'm certainly not qualified (yet) to advise others.
I'm just learning myself.
Thanks for opening my eyes even more.
Forever grateful,
TTH

SSB,

On the lighter side, I just noticed in your sig line that your kids age span is close to mine. Mine are 5 kids ages 7-17.

What are the ages of yours?

Mine are: 17, 13 (the only girl), 11, 9, and 7.

This is the very reason that I very seldom post outside of my own thread.

I stick with those who stuck by me and do alot of reading.

I believe I have something to offer - but do not want to detract from someone else thread in a debate on what I "should have" said, according to someone else's standards.

Well, I don't think anybody is unworthy, but I do think some "advice" is very unworthy and when that is passed around, others should say something. I know I try to say something when I see it.

Saralynn, I agree with everything you said. I guess the rule of thumb is to remember that folks are here to learn MARRIAGE BUILDERS. If you can help in that regard, then pitch in and help; if not, then you might be better off LEARNING the MB principles yourself.

And I agree very much that the board has been focused on one very destructive poster. Hope she is really gone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How is this any different than saying that someone is unworthy of giving advice?

The words are scrambled, but it means the same.



You're right, Mel. I've never seen you accused of not speaking your mind.

ETA:

If misplaced compassion gives power to EVIL.....

and Selective "compassion" is a sign of an agenda, rather than a compassionate person

then what is lack of compassion?

SMB, wow, that's a lot of testosterone in one house!

Mine are similar in age, plus additional nieces and nephews. No one is ever lonely (or has any privacy). On a much lighter note, I think you'll be delightfully surprised at how the decibel level is lowered once even a single child moves off to college (or wherever).

But there are a lot of days when I'm just marking time until we have an empty nest ...

eleven years and nine months and two weeks and five days .....

eleven years and nine months and two weeks and FOUR days ....

eleven years and nine months and two weeks and THREE days ...

You can take it however you want, that's ok with me.


I do try! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, that's one way to not answer a question.

Sure enough...

I know for a lot of people I post to.. I point to me as a -bad- example of how to follow the strategies.

I'm trying not to post too much advice other than to put faith in God right now.. and offer encouragement to those who are hurting that there -are- success stories out there.

I know I've probably overstepped a few times.. but I'm really trying to help.

Honestly I'm just now -starting- to understand and implement my Plan A from a distance..

I'm still struggling myself.. I'll certainly try to keep in mind any advice posted to others.

TTH,

I am not familiar with your posts, but I appreciate your honesty here.

This is what I was hoping to accomplish by posting this. Not to run you off from posting, but for newbies to examine if they are READY to be posting and perhaps prompt them to reevaluate. Really the newbies have to examine this themselves and decide if they are ready. But I think a lot of them right now don't see the harm in just throwing out any ole advice.

I could never have posted while I was going through all the muck of a newly BS. I needed to focus on my own plan and work it.

Thank you for your honest retrospection. As I said, I am not familiar with your posts, so I am in no way saying that you personally contradicted MB principles.

I don't think advice can be "unworthy." It can be "unhelpful" or "ill-advised."

Sometimes support is deemed unhelpful, too...which seems counterintuitive on a forum that many people come to FOR support.

Sometimes 2x4s are given when a nudge will do.

It's really hard to read inflection in the written word. But we are human, and we do infer things from written words...and those inferences may be invalid. And feelings get hurt anyway.

I'm with Fox. I don't feel qualified to give advice, just support and encouragement to the remnants of our original band of Killer Bees.

Just a suggestion for cutting down on trollers and a specific person in question here...

Can the moderators impliment a way to limit the number of "user names" to 2 or 3 per IP address? That way, spouses like me and want2stay can still post together, but any more than that should be questionable, I think. How many more than 2 names per IP address does an honest member need?

Any thoughts? Should I email this suggestion to the Harleys or to the moderators?

Some wield 2x4's; some wield the soft word, we need all kinds because no one knows what will hit the mark with a given person. Sometimes I think a 2x4 is warranted instead of a "gentle word." But that is the beauty of a diverse forum. Sometimes "support" is not really "support," though, when it enables a person to stay mired in their problems.

I think everybody has their own way of being helpful and that is cool until it contradicts the point of the whole forum, which is to learn and apply Marriage Builders principles.

Stillsinging, you may want to email Justuss and give her a heads up. I don't know how or what she checks for, though.

The thing is, it is a simple programming implementation, so once in place, it should be pretty hands off. It would at least greatly limit this type of behavior, and the only ones who could get around it would have to work really hard at it (i.e. go around to different places to log on with more names, etc).

I'll email her.

I think one of the things for anyone who is posting advice to do is to take advice themselves. If I post advice and three people, all with ten times the posts I have tell me I am wrong because of x, y and z, I might want to research the topic a little more than I have already to see if what they are saying is true. If Mel and I disagree on a point of MB methods, I would be likely to defer to her since I am approaching 1500 posts and she has over 25000 of them.

And I am sure she and I will disagree on lots of things, but to my recollection, MB concepts have not been the source of those disagreements.

There are things that are a matter of opinion. This is what we are expressing here, simply opinions. But when it comes to what Dr Harley has written, said over the years and taught through his seminars, radio show, books and articles which have appeared on other websites as well as this one, I think it can be safely assumed that when it comes to Marriage Builders, his is the only one that really matters. Anything contradictory to his, while perhaps a valid opinion, is not Marriage Builders.

The only way to tell if you are following MB methods, is to learn those methods for yourself. That doesn't happen by searching deep inside and trying to connect with how you feel about a subject. It comes by reading and studying the material at hand and asking questions when you don't grasp the ideas being presented.

Anyone who has ever read anything I have ever written knows that I am fond of analogies. (Yeah, understatement of the year) So here's one:

When the Secret Service has to teach a newbie how to spot bogus money, they spend very little time teaching them what makes a counterfeit recognizable. What they do instead is have them handle real money...lot's of it....millions of real bills are counted, one at a time, by hand. The assumption is that once you become familiar with the real thing, a fake will stand out almost without effort.

Two verbs are at work here. One is the word "teach," as in "teach me" or more precisely "to be taught." It is a passive verb in the sense that someone else is "teaching" me what is right and what is wrong regarding the topic. The second verb is the word "learn." It is the antithesis of the word "teach" in that it is totally active and requires that I play a part, in fact, the only part. It is up to me to learn something, others can only show me where my understanding is incorrect.

Not everything is a matter of opinion. There are some things that are either right or wrong. Both the one offering advice and the one receiving it have a responsibility to learn to tell the difference. In the case of Marriage Builders, it isn't always based on ho we feel about a subject that is right.

This is Mark, and that is just my opinion