Thanks again everyone. Jean- I can relate to your power-gardening. While my garden went to the weeds this year, I did go on a home-renovation kick and painted 3 rooms (including a semi-major repair to a ceiling). I'm fine when I'm busy but like I said, I'm tired and I just want to be able to relax. I still have a hard time watching television and reading is impossible - I used to love to read.

JustCoz - I LOVE that song, have it on my iPod.

Smartie, my sitch in summary is W-STBXH came home one Friday night and asked me for a divorce out of the blue. I have no friends local to me, so I spent the entire weekend alone and in shock. W-STBXH acted like he was concerned, even made dinner all on the ILYBNILWY bases. On Monday, I opened my own bank account and arranged to have my pay transfered to it that week. When it was transfered on Wed, W-STBX freaked, we fought and he admitted to the A. Said he wouldn't take much ($$ that is). Two weeks later, I found out who OWH was and contacted him. He had just kicked OW out of the house. W-STBX never came home again. OWH and I compared notes over W-STBX's and OW's various whereabouts and excuses over the past 6 months or so and discovered the extent of their lies. Upon every confrontation with W-STBX about these, he would throw a tantrum the likes of which I had never seen in our entire 17 years together. Meanwhile, he was gradually moving stuff out of the house. He wanted all the personal stuff from our wedding, telling me she is his true love and therefore his "wife" and so all the gifts we received were really for her. He was very sneaky, coming around when he knew I couldn't be there. Even after the house was changed into my name, DS let him inside and he stole food from the fridge and went rooting through cupboards and into my roommate's room. The cops said there was nothing I could do.

Since he's been gone, he has continued to go out of his way to make my life difficult. He continued to steal things from the property - had to put locks on my shed. He brought OW to my baseball games to flaunt her in front of me. He has convinced his mother that I am the one who destroyed our M so she went and gave OW the birthday gifts she had bought for me. She has also effectively cut me off from my BILs who were all supportive of me. He is also working on my DS. He had all my mail forwarded to his new appartment which I had a devil of a time getting undone. He still gets some bills and doesn't pass them on to me - I nearly went to collection over one of them. He calls periodically to tell me how wonderful his life is.

At some point along the way, his ugliness and lies just made me sick. I didn't find MB until after he had left the house so Plan A was not possible. I started to notice that the days he didn't call were easier to get through than when he did - even if we managed to have a civilized conversation. I guess I moved myself into somewhat of a Plan B, though I can't say there is no contact whatsoever because he still calls me. I have not attempted any contact with him since the last baseball game when I pleaded with him not to bring her. I have tried to follow the other principles of Plan B - working on myself and protecting myself from him - more for my own sanity rather than to get him back. He is not the same person I was married to - that man doesn't exist any more.

And to be honest, my life is better now without him. I actually have more money without him (funny how much is left at the end of the month when nobody is siphoning the bank account). I can do the things I want, when I want. I can buy stuff. I can listen to the radio (he always had the tv on). The house didn't fall down around me and my car is still operational - I have even had a couple of repairs done and the oil has been changed on schedule. I found a wonderful roommate that does more around the house than he ever did. So my fears of doing it myself are gone.

I'm still lonely. I got myself into a rebound relationship which was great while it lasted but it's currently in its deaththroes now too. I'm sad about it but not destroyed. It has helped me realize that I'm not about who I am with but that I can be myself and get away with it.

And I have a great career. I have a horse I like to ride several days a week. And I have plenty of home renovations that need done, though it's hard to do when it's dark when I get home. So I have things to do. I still have no local friends so I've got a lot of empty time with which I would love to read or watch tv or sit an listen to music but I just can't stop the blizzard long enough. I feel like I should be in great shape now but I'm not.

I've thought of going back on AD's - I'm sure I have a low grade depression of some sorts. My family dr is a bit of a quack. When this first happened, DS took me to the clinic who gave me my first script but only a few days worth because you are supposed to be treated by your family dr. My family dr is about 80 years old and doesn't usually prescribe anything - even a simple sinus infection he sends you to a specialist. He wanted to send me to a shrink but I convinced him just to give me the script. The trouble is, I live so far from where I work that going to any kind of specialist means losing a day of work. It's a completely different jurisdiction so he can't send me to one near my work. I only stayed on them for about a month because he wouldn't give me anymore -wanted a shrink to prescribe them instead. If I go back to ask for more, this is the only way it will happen. Again, it's not that I don't want to see a shrink (maybe that will even do me some good), but I just don't have anything left of my vacation days to do it. In addition to my own problems this year, my mom had emergency heart surgery, she lives in a small town so I have to take days off to drive her to her dr appointments as well which are usually in the city.

Anyway, this got too long. I'd love to hear your story - similarities and differences. Basically, it was the lying that I couldn't get past. I know it's fog. I know he's been abducted by aliens. But I'm still here on this earth and I need to live in the real world. I just wish I could.

I know that song is about addiction but the melody is soothing and some of the lines strike a chord (no pun intended).

I feel the BS fog different ways on different days - it's almost like being in shock for a long period of time. I remember for the first month or so after Dday I felt like any minute Alan Funt was going to pop out of my closet and say "gotcha!" (or Ashton Kutcher for the younger crowd). Now, more than 2 months later I still am sometimes overcome with the sense of how surreal the whole situation is.

It's also often referred to as a "roller coaster" ride and I've used that analogy with friends and family but one where the highs consist of feelings of hope and rise me to the point of feeling just below normal and I have a sense that things are going to be ok either way for me and for DD eventually.

The lows, well I don't have to say much about them. Those days feel like OJ Simpson's character in Naked Gun (falling several stories off the stadium balcony, smashing to earth in the parking lot and getting run over by both a bus and a steamroller. Then when you think you've endured the worst, a marching band then tromps over your flattened body).

Sorry for all you're going through, Tabby. I know the feeling that the person you married no longer exists. After my Dday (before I confronted) I kept catching myself staring at WW and thinking "who the H3LL are you and what did you do with the loving, caring person I knew all these years?!"

-JC

Hey Tabby

Thanks for posting your story. Certainly some similarities... My WH "confessed" to his A on Holy Thursday (turns out OW wsa busted by her H so he got scared someone else would let the cat of the bag first.) I got the ILYBINILWY statement, I want a divorce, she's my soulmate, can't imagine life without her, our marriage has been hollow for years (funny how I missed that part when we were together 20 years, married for 8). All the standrad wayward crap....

Then on easter WH decided he wanted to stay with me and try to reconcile. NC lasted about 1 week, then he partially moved out one week after that to live with some friends to "get some space and think about things" (by lucky coincidence OW had gotten her own place by this time ... hmmmm.)

After 2 weeks of being out of home and me trying to Plan A from a distance, he came crying to come home. I had a short list of demands--no contact with OW, IC/MC and transparency. I stayed in Plan A, but he blew all of the conditions for returning home and within 6 weeks moved out again to be with OW and has been there ever since. She is married with three sons and she COMPLETELY abandoned them to be with my WH. Of all the fallout from this crap that fact still blows me away. How do you as a mother just totally walk out on your kids???

My WH did not pull alot of mean stuff yours did -- left most of the marital stuff in the home, never touched our money (but like you when I found out about the A I got separate accounts the next day--this "hurt his feelings".) Other things I did that "hurt his feelings"--talking with OWH to compare notes on the A; changing the locks after he left; not letting him see the dogs (we don't have any children); getting an attorney to draft a LSA (which he refuses to sign to this day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />)

Like you, I am blessed that money was not an issue for me (I made more money thatn him) and am actually better off financially since he moved out and I stopped covering his debts (car payments and insurance-health and auto, student loans.) We never had joint credit cards, so he's free to run those up with OW as he pleases (which he has by the way!) Just hoping he will sign the house over to me before all is said and done, but I expect he will force me to sell it as martial property to get some distribution of the equity. Of course in this housing market, he may wait a long time for very little money--certainly not enough to get him out of the hole he and OW have dug for themsleves financially.

Other interesting thing--about a month after I went into Plan B he started writing me letters weekly for about 10 weeks. I only read the first one (where he demanded to see the dogs), but he mentioned to my SIL that he wrote me every week thereafter to say he was sorry he hurt me and wanted to arrange visitaion with the dogs. (Of course never mentioned that the A was over and he was moving out of OW's apartment!) So I guess OW wasn't meeting his need for a family fix! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Also sent the dogs "birthday" presents in October and sent me a gift magazine subscription for Christmas. WTF?

Another difference is that (so far) my ILs have been wonderful--they BLASTED WH when they found out about the A and have made it clear OW will NEVER be welcome into their family (same goes for OWs family in terms of my WH too BTW). Now blood may still be thicker than water if this goes on for awhile--particulary once the D is final next summer, but God love 'em for their support so far.

So, I'm moving on and recovering for me. So grateful I found MB and all the wonderful people here. It's probably been the main thing that's helped me stay sane.

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for sharing...

Smartie

Oh I forgot--

I've made the choice not to reconcile because I can't get past the lies and manipulation. I really don't see myself trusting WH enough ever again to be happy with him. Also, I am convinced that WH would never work at real recovery. So although he might come back one day--he'd eventually have another A. And I refuse to go through another D-day or false recovery with him. Not worth it for me.

Smartiepants, your story is very similar. The only difference is that my WH never, ever wanted to work things out with me, only to leave. I also make more money than him but throughout our M, he always made me feel as though I was the one responsible for any financial problems we had. After all, I had a horse, a very expensive hobbie. That horse was blamed for everything. When he left, I gave him $10K to buy him out of the house. OW got $7K from OWH. For both of them, this was WAY, WAY less than 50%. Neither took any furniture. They each took their own vehicles - WH took his truck that still had $12K owing on it (he took that loan as well though we fought over it). The rented the first apartment they could find and spent all that money on furniture. Funny thing was he couldn't help but tell me the details - he actually spent $9K on a dining room suite, bought an 8-piece set of fine china, spent $600 on a vaccuum etc. (I actually did see his visa statement with the DR suite). So they blew right through their $17K within a matter of weeks.

Last month, he called and told me they had bought a house. They put no money down, ammortized it for 40 years and have a monthly payment greater than mine. They moved in this past weekend. DS was there to help and guess what else - they bought a brand new, high efficiency washer and dryer for $2500. I believe this one is on a "do not pay until xxx" as it came from the Brick but who knows. OW is also in the middle of court procedings with OWH, so they are spending money on that too. She makes about 1/2 of what I make, so he's got a lot less money than what he was used to with me. And seriously, that horse is still living pretty in the same stable with the same care he always had - and my board even went up!!!!

And we are exactly the same wrt our reasons not to reconcile. I could get past the affair but not the lies and not the hurtful things that he has done. So many of them were completely unnecessary and I still don't know what purpose they served. He is simply not a nice person - not someone I'd even want as a friend let alone a husband.

He will file for D as soon as our year of separation is up (April 2008). He did ask me to sign the forms a few months ago - never did figure out why he was in such a rush to get that done when the courts won't even process it before the year. I told him I would sign if we checked the adultery box and wrote her name in (it asked for details). In that case, he could have had the D immediately but instead he freaked out and called me a bunch of obsenities for not doing it his way. Oh well.

Hope you are doing well. I am having difficulty dealing with the approach of Christmas. I think I need more egg nog (or stronger).

Tabby

I think the money scenario you described with your WH is soon going to rear its ugly head in my case as well. As we speak, my WH and OW have had to move twice in the past 8 months to get a cheaper apartment so she could afford to pay rent and her other newly acquired bills. (WH does not help her with any major finances because he is strapped for cash paying his credit card and auto bills). They have both run up credit cards to feather the love nest, and now they have attorneys bills becasue OW is fighting OWH for child support and custody of two of their three sons (go figure, she walked out on them in April, has not seen them or provided any money or other support--just some small birthday presents) while WH is defending himself against OWH's A of A suit.

Anyway, suffice it say that they are now slowly beginning to panic over their money sitch. I think that reality is finally beginning to sink in that they will be pretty much living hand-to-mouth (or worse) for the rest of their lives. Now, if OW dropped my WH and got her act together she could do okay. But WH is so far in the hole in debt, it would take a miracle to get him back on track. And unless he hooks up with someone who's pretty well off, he'll only drag the person he's with down financially as well.

It's so bad for WH that even if he got all out of me that he could from the divorce settlement, he's still be in deep trouble. Sadly, they are both like addicts. Any money they got would be blown on frivilous living in about 3 months tops.

Oh well, the joys of the wayward life... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

And hon, if you've got the eggnog I've got the "stronger"!! I'm just trying to hang in there until Jan. 2nd...

What's Jan 2nd? I might need to bring more eggnog!

Hah! The likenesses are uncanny. Aside from what I know regarding their furnature purchases, the OWH showed me OW's financial statement from the court papers. She is currently carrying a $7K balance on her visa card and she cashed in all her RRSPs (Canadian equivalent of 401Ks). I also know WH cashed in all of his. This means that next year, they will have to pay taxes on this money - it will count as income. WH kept the $20K line of credit we had jointly. It had nothing on it - it was basically free money to spend (at 12% interest or something like that). If he's cashed in the RRSPs, I can only assume he's dipped into that to some extent. The thing is, these two left their M's with no debt whatsoever (except WH's truck debt which is on $300 a month anyway).

When we were married, WH was a cheap, money hoarding hermit. He never bought anything and resented every penny I spent on anything. He didn't want to go anywhere unless it was free and even then he would begrudge the gas we used to get there. We have very few pieces of "new" furniture in our house and most of that was given to us over the years. I do believe he will one day return to this mentality - it's pretty ingrained in him - his mother and brothers are the same way. Boy, will OW get a shock then. OWH said she has always been a spendaholic and has also been pleasantly surprised that despite the lack of her income, he's still managing to carry the bills. Like me, his bills have either remained the same or increased (i.e. mortgage payments are higher due to refinancing).

I guess my WH and OW have a little ways to go before any panic sets in. I'm almost certain it will, I just don't know when. I don't even know if or how much I will enjoy watching it from the sidelines. I'm generally not a vengeful person but this whole affair has brought out the worst in me (pun intended).

Tabby1

Jan 2 means the holidays are over and one more hurdle on the personal recovery journey is crossed!! But I'll still have some eggnog--good stuff that is. Yummmm!!

Scary thing is both my WH and OW are spendthrifts. So they'll never have any money between them. If they did not deserve it, I'd feel sorry for them. And to top it off, they still think they have the right to have me and OWH finance their adultreous and irresponsible lifestyle! So they won't sign LSAs, won't negotiate property settlements...just waiting to get a payoff from the spouses they betrayed.

Now I'm getting mad! Where is that eggnog again??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Smartie

Thankfully I have a signed SA. I got really lucky with that since when this all first happened, I was such a wreck I couldn't make the decision if I needed to go to the kitchen or the bathroom, let alone major life-altering decisions. For me it was OWH who had been going through it a couple of weeks longer than me (he found out first). When we made contact with each other, he had already drafted out his SA and had an appointment at city hall to have it signed and witnessed. He encouraged me to get mine written up and to give up as little as possible because she was signing to almost nothing as well. He actually gave me his SA to use as a template and helped me type my information in, line by line, telling me what to do at each step. From the outside it probably looked pretty silly - after all I'm a well educated adult with a job that requires a fair amount of writing. But I literally COULD NOT do it myself. I believe his main interest in my SA at the time was to make sure his WW didn't get much else beyond what she took from him (very little). But I was still very, very grateful for his help - I would be exactly where you are, legal bickering over various things and losing a lot more - without it. As it happened, 2 days after he signed the SA and the ownership of the house (coincidence brought those 2 items together), he actually calculated out some of my numbers and found some rounding errors in my favour. He has been p****'d at me ever since and frequently tries to get me to give him more money. The only way he could ever get it is to take me to court, but there's all sorts of language in our SA that will make that very difficult, and it's not enough money to even cover the court costs if he ever did.

SP and Tab,

Don't wanna interrupt your conversation flow too much, but I think I might be the Blizzard Queen regarding BS Fog. (I tried to be OW's friend for months after she apologized to me.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

My BS Fog started to diminish when Dr. Harley told me on the radio show that "While it's admirable that you've forgiven her, she IS your ENEMY." Duh.....! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My strange story is in my sig line. Thanks for the topic reminder.

Ace

Tabby

This is the one thing I regret the most -- not striking with an LSA right after he was busted and deep in guilt and desparate to be with OW no matter what. I actually got an attorney to draft up an agreement for me about a month after d-day and he told me to act quickly. But wouldn't you know it, before I could get it to WH he called and said he wanted to reconcile and work on our M. So I put the SA aside.

Now he's been "counseled" by OW and other "friends" so he's digging in. *Sigh* Lesson learned, I'll NEVER be that stupid again. In fact, even though I am not a rich woman by any means, I plan to get a pre-nup signed if I marry again--nothing like taking a pro-active approach! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace--that made me laugh wanting to be friends with OW. It's funny I did meet my WH's OW soon after the A came to light. It was the best thing that I did in terms of being able to put her in rightful place in my mind. See my WH works with a lot of younger women who are quite attractive, so when he told me who it was I was thinking he's hooked up with some pretty young thing.

Turns out OW was pretty ordinary looking, not too bright, and quite immature although she is middle aged. When I met her I thought--this IS what got my WH all turned upside down? HA! Talk about affairing down, I pretty much dismissed her from my mind since that day.

Oh well, I'll keep fighting--you guys keep praying for me!

Ace, you actually tried to be friends with OW - you poor thing. The level of hatred I have for my OW is pathological. Fortunately for her, I have way too many issues about my own self that she is on the back burner. She is afraid of me though - W-STBXH insisted on bringing her to my baseball games in the summer. She would come, but she would sit high up on a hill behind the diamonds. It was so funny watching them talk by cell phone to each other when they were within shouting distance - or one of them could walk the 50 feet over to the other.

Smartie, it's too bad about the timing. I know I just squeeked under the wire. I actually held off on the completed SA which he was ready to sign for a week so I could have a lawyer look at it (I just wanted to be sure). I remember sending it to him by email at 3:45 pm and his reply at 3:50 pm that day. He never responded that quickly to me even when we were still happily married (i.e. before the actual A, not just when I knew about it). But it was literally 3 days after he signed when he started to second guess it. I'm very thankfull to OWH for giving me the push to do it because otherwise I would have lost so much more - probably also my house.

Smartie, it was funny at times, but the worst part was I actually thought that if we were friends, she wouldn't betray me....again and again and again. WRONG....(remember, this was pre-MB)


Tab, she wanted to call me to apologize immediate after WH called to tell her they were busted on D-Day #1. He was supposed to do it while I was on the other phone, but he did it from work. She insisted on calling and talking with me at home and that's when I tried to be her friend. My 'BS Blizzardyness' extended so deep that I actually blackedmailed her and tested her with faux messages from their secret email accounts after WH gave me all the passwords. (Details in my sig line strange story.)

The weird part is that I even sent her and her BH a copy of HNHN to help them before I knew about this web site....so she may know about these forums...and could even be reading here if she wanted to. I often wonder if she is when I see anonymous lurkers reading my Smiles and Trials 2 recovery thread.

It took Dr. Harley telling me on the radio show that she is really my enemy for me to choose to stop exchanging 'girl-talk' emails with her. And when both our messages started bouncing into the bulk mail accounts, I knew it was time, even if she wanted to continue. She claimed to like me, thought I was an amazing woman and wished us well. But she lies so who really knows. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

But I definitely was deeply involved with the thickest BS Blizzard one could imagine! It took me a long time to cut through it, too. (Thank God for MB or I might still be in contact with her across the country.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ace

Hi Tabby.....

Just saw that you posted on the drive-by posters thread.

I vaguely recalled that I kinda posted a drive-by on your thread, couldn't remember if I replied to your answer....but just found this thread.

Glad I did...did you see my reply? Just curious.

Ace

Saw it! I drive by a lot of threads since I kinda missed the opportunity to have my own. I wish I knew about this site before I ever got married - well at least before D-day. Everything seems so clear now - if it happened today I would know what to do, what to expect and be able to do it. I'm sure most drive-by's see the responses to their posts. Many probably even act on them (or attempt to) but just can't pull it off. I suppose this response should have gone in the other thread. Still learning I guess!