I have been married for 15 years and we have 2 children. My W left abruptly in 2006 and moved in with a co-worker. They shared a house until May of this year when she decided she wanted to return home and put our family back together.

Last year when we were apart, she was totally out of reach to me personally for about the first month. After that slowly, when she would call the kids, we'd end up on the phone together and it got to the point where she was telling me her troubles with the OM. There was an instance of violence where he hit her and got her pretty good. My reaction to that was typical and I would have loved nothing more then to take him and.... you get it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I stayed out of it and reminded myself that I was no good to my kids if I was in jail. However, she never filed a police report, he stayed away for 2 days and then they were back together. She knew I was upset with her about that but that fell on deaf ears.

Fast forward to May when she moved home. Almost immediately she was laid off from her job and all our bills fell on my shoulders.. I never complained about that but I think she lost that sense of independence or being able to make her own way so it wasn't long before she was speaking with him again on the phone from time to time.

Fast forward to October of this year.
Up until now, she hadn’t had any face to face contact with the OM. We'd both been working hard to find her a job. We finally found a job in another state that was acceptable for her and she told me the best thing we could do was to move if I was willing and rebuild our marriage. I am fortunate that my job is portable so location isn't an issue for me.. Sounds pretty good!

The new job is 4hr drive from where we are now so She and I were traveling, while she worked I was looking around for housing for our family. We return home from one of the work trips and things suddenly started getting strange. She was out "running errands" for 8-9 hours in a clip. Having been through this before, I didn't lose my temper as much as I wanted too but I knew what was coming. I had a calm conversation with her and asked her if the OM was an issue. She told me she still had feelings for him, she was crying, she said she didn't want to hurt me but she didn’t want to hurt him either, then she said the magic words, she told me she felt like the OM was an "addiction".

As much as I wanted to totally lose my mind at that point, I held that back and realized that all I want is for her to be happy, if that's without me.. so be it.. not at all what I want and I hate that my kids are in the middle of this but if she's not happy with me, what’s the point in trying to fight it? I realize that I am making this easy on her folks. She assures me that she wants our marriage and we hug and went about our day.

Two weeks ago
I had obligations here with the kids that kept me from being able to travel with her to the new town/job. She was acting strange, I immediately suspected something. I kept quiet and wondered if paranoia was setting in, convinced myself that if I loved her, I owed it to her to give her the chance to make the trip on her own and have some confidence in our relationship.

She went out of town, called when she got there but when we got ready to say goodbye, I said "Ok, Love you" and she responded "I know you do.." TOTALLY out of character. By that time I pretty much established that the OM was with her. The next day, she didn’t call like I'd normally expect. I had the kids call her that night before they went to bed. When they got done, she hung up without asking to speak with me. I was upset needless to say. Next day comes around and I couldn’t take it anymore so I came flat out and asked her if the OM was with her.. she denied it.

After the planned absence she comes home but had to be at a local appointment the next morning. While she was gone, I was getting her laundry taken care of for her which isn't out of character either. I end up finding a bunch of Lingerie, etc. and I wasn't mad in the conventional sense.. I was devastated that she flat out lied to me and now I knew it for sure that the OM was back in the picture.

Finally the whole reason I asked you to suffer reading that ... my question
I love her beyond words, I love my children even more. However, I've done everything I can to be understanding about all of this but the emotional toll has been a challenge to say the least. My Job has suffered, Money problems are popping up now with the stress and my lack of focus and I’ve lost 18lbs since August. My family is urging me to hang it up, my friends think I've lost my mind to put up with it.

I WANT my marriage, but for some reason, finding that stuff in her suitcase has just made me look at her differently now. What I mean by that specifically I guess is it felt like it was the “straw that broke the camels back”. I’m disgusted that I feel this way about my wife. But I feel like I've given her every opportunity to try to do her part to help rebuild our marriage but I just feel totally disrespected and defeated now.

She's told me repeatedly she loves me and that she knows this guy is a dead end. I've given up trying to understand their relationship.

I'm finally to the point where out of left field a job opportunity has come up for me and for the first time in 15years I'm seriously considering it. The potential for the job is twice what I make now and it's something I've wanted to do for a long time. My W has no clue that I got this call about the job and it would require us to be literally 1000 miles apart.

This may sound incredible (or totally pathetic) but I'm more concerned with how she and the kids would fare if I actually took it and left the relationship. At the same time if I stay where I am, she'll be gone out of town, probably with the OM and thats no good either.

I am feeling horribly guilty at this point
I'm scared to death that if I DO leave, she's going to 'wake up' but if I actually talk myself into leaving, I'm going to have to force myself to turn my back on her which is something I've never been able to do before and I don't think she believes I'm capable of doing in the first place.. for the first time I feel like that could actually happen.

What do I do if I take this job and she ends up coming to her senses finally?? What if this OM dumps her?

....if anybody made it to the end of this saga, i appreciate you very much..

You are not the one that is guilty. She is.

Let's get you back on track so you can deal with this stuff with a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. This doesn't mean enabling it, it means taking agressive, legal and safe action to move forward.

You really don't want a WS in your life, right?

You need support and a plan. Please go read SAA and HNHN both are by Dr. Harley, then read LMBT (love must be tough) Dobson.

Learn about plans A & B from Dr. Harley's books. Plan B is further discussed in Dr. Dobson's book LMBT. They are not related authors, their POVs just work well together if the WS is in the addiction mode as you've described.

How are the children doing? Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. She can help you with your plan A. I figure you s/b through plan A fairly quickly, then if she is still a WS, you may need to implement plan B.

take care,
L.

First thing, take a deep breath. I'm sure the veterans MBer's will offer up advice. Orchid being one of them.

Orchid brings you great advice. The only thing I would stress is counseling....MC or at the very least IC.

Now if you take the other job would the kids go with you or stay with WW?

As a side note, weekends can be sort of slow here, try and hang on for advice.

Hi M_R!

Welcome to MB!

Orchid is right on the money... you need a plan.

It appears that you've been doing some MB work already... thats great! Get the books Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs, both by Dr. Harley. Love Must Be Tough is another great book as well... One other book that I would recommend is Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend...

Study up on "Plan-A"... there are links here on the website. If you haven't exposed the A, read up on exposure and then come back here and let some of the veterans help you... exposing the A is one of the critical steps that you'll need to do as you can't start rebuilding until the A is over.

Semper Fi,

RIF

My mouth dropped when I saw this, because I thought to myself, "this guy is blessed." As I was reading through your long post the idea started formulating in my head that you need to pack and move your family to another city far away from the OM, leaving your wife behind. THAT is the solution! Go into Plan B, which is a seperation, and tell your wife when she ends her affair she can join you in the new city.

The reason that moving away is ideal is because - AS YOU CAN SEE - she cannot break her addiction living in the same town. This is why Dr Harley tells people to move to another STATE if need be, to break contact. You CLEARLY need to do that. This way, she will either be forced to follow you there and resume your marriage, or you will be safely AWAY from her abuse.

Both solutions are better than staying there and growing to hate her because of her abuse. And this is a great danger to you. Because once you grow to hate her, it is not easy to EVER fall back in love, according to Harley. It is also DETRIMENTAL to your mental health. People actually have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from this kind of assault. You are ALL your kids have, MR, so it won't do to have you in a state of mental collpse.

Your wife has no motivation to end her affair right now and this will drag out until things get ugly again. But with you meeting her needs and propping her up as you are, you have actually become her ENABLER. But if you go to Plan B and cut off ALL CONTACT WITH HER, her affair will quickly crumble and she have to make a choice. A choice to dump him and come to her warm, loving family, or stay with her abusive boyfriend and be abused.

So, that is what i would do, MR. I think that job might be the salvation of your family. Get your family out of there and hopefully she will follow you all there!

In addition to the exellent advice the others gave to call Steve Harley, you might want to also call Dr. Harley on the radio show on Monday and tell him about this. That is where I got this idea, another man called in with a similar situation and he told the man to move his family and go into Plan B. It all made perfect sense!

Sorry you are here, friend, but you came to the right place! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have you exposed the affair? Do you children know?

"She told me she still had feelings for him, she was crying, she said she didn't want to hurt me but she didn’t want to hurt him either, then she said the magic words, she told me she felt like the OM was an "addiction"."

Translation:

While she may have some feelings of concern for you and/or the OM, she is MOSTLY concerned with keeping both of you guys in her life as long as she can. She doesn't want to choose between you two and deprive HERSELF of having her EN's met by two men instead of just one!

Also, I'm willing to bet that the only reason she came back home when she did is because she already knew they were going to be laying people off at work... and that she never fully intended to end it with the OM. Maybe the OM is not willing or able to support her? Was he making her pay expenses when she lived with him and then she couldn't afford to live with him when she got laid off?

IMHO you should most definitely take the job 1000 miles away BUT do NOT leave your children behind with her and the OM!!! Do a REALLY GOOD Plan A until you move away and at that time if she refuses to move with her family, you go into Plan B.

She's cake-eating and she won't stop until you remove yourself from the menu.

Who have you exposed her adultery to so far?

I think Melody pretty much nailed it. Your marriage doesn't have a chance if you continue going along as you have been. You need to establish some firm boundaries, and allow your WW to make a real decision.

Take the job, in the long run you will be better off for doing so, no matter what your WW chooses to do. And as Melody said, if she does choose to return, it will be miles away from OM, so no more sneaking off to get her fix whenever she wants.

Good luck M_R.

Wow, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the feedback and support.
On one hand I am floored at the fact that from what I’ve been able to read how similar the actions of the unfaithful party are. It’s actually scary as ****** to be honest. It’s like they read the same “Playbook on screwing up your marriage” (that was an attempt at humor). On the other hand, knowing what I’m going through and how negative it feels, it’s heartbreaking to read so many stories that are similar in one way or the other. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.

I’m somewhat hesitant to talk about my experiences today simply because I know so many people are here with HOPE and I certainly do not want to suggest to anyone that they are in a hopeless situation. But I want to think by me sharing, it may help someone else in a similar situation in some fashion?

The word I’ve heard so many times before but it finally clicked today was “enabling”. My wife came home from out of town today as expected along with the mysterious 9hrs of travel time for a 3hr drive (big shock). She came home, wedding rings intact and I gave her enough time to go through her routine, visiting with the kids, went and took a bath. After she got done with that she was telling me about the homes she’d looked at out of town and talked as if she and I, etc. had plans to move to the new town where she’s working currently. I was kind of dumbfounded by that at first. She could tell I wasn’t interested in talking very much about our future together knowing she just left the OM before she came into our home.

She finally worked up the nerve I guess to ask me what was wrong. I told her we’d talk about it after Christmas and she wouldn’t let up. I was as calm and loving (stop throwing up please) &#61514; as I could muster and just told her. “Look.. I’m not happy with this situation, I don’t understand it at all and your not interested right now apparently in helping me get things straightened out. I’m very much aware that “Nitwit” (my loving term for the OM) were together again and the bottom line is, I don’t have to live like this and neither do the kids. What I need you to do is focus on moving closer to your new job and leaving our home. I’m at the end of my rope, I want you to be happy, I want the kids to be happy and with this other situation you’ve created, I’m not in a position to make you happy”.

I was expecting her to explode and storm out the door, I really was. I figured “ok, I just gave her the open window/excuse she needs to leave the relationship”. Instead she broke down and I had to resist the urge to reach out to her, that was probably one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. I took a vow to be there for this person and I meant it when I said it and here I am blowing her off… it sucked.

I did not get into the specifics of my pending job offer other then to say “I need to do what’s right for me, now.. I can’t sit back and play ignorant to your affair with the nitwit and expect myself to be an effective parent or effective with my responsibilities so now I have to put a stop to it”. I was STILL expecting her to leave the house and go to OM but she hasn’t and I still don’t understand why. I know it sounds crazy but I want her happy, I’m handing her the way out without her having to feel like the ‘bad guy’. What the heck??

Folks I want my marriage but I can’t sit back and accept this anymore.. I would have gone to therapy with her 7 days a week if I had too. Right now though, when I look at her all I see anymore when she looks back at me is “She disrespects you Drew, she thinks you’re a wimp”. I can’t handle that.. I wish she’d just leave and leave me with a lot of damn good memories before I lose anymore respect for her.

My gut is just telling me to take the job and if this thing is supposed to work out, it will somehow. I feel like I’m giving up on one hand and I don’t want to feel like I failed my family.. but if I stay in this thing, I’m just going to lose my mind.

She said she had no intention of moving OM with her out of town, she claims he would not leave his daughter anyway. I didn't say it but it just made me think "Why the heck would you destroy OUR family then if you know this already??"

Based on past experiences, if she felt "love" why didnt' she leave tonite, I practically said "it's okay to be with him.. go on..." why is she upstairs, in OUR bed right now laying down with OUR children?

Gawd I need a Baileys!

Your situation is very hopeful, and you owe it to your children to work things out if possible. Like you mentioned, your wife is just like every affairee/addict we hear about here. She is having a hard time going no contact. That is not uncommon.

I suggest you follow Melody's (one of our best) advice and take the job and invite your wife to move with you. Tell her you love her and want to keep the family together, but you are afraid of losing your love for her as she continues the affair.

Hey Drew!

Take the job and take the kids with you... Plan-A her until you move and invite her to go with you...

You're getting great advice from some of the best here... You've got nothing to be ashamed of. Make a plan and then work it...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Moving to a new job in a new city with 2x income and HOURs away from the OM is about the most perfect Plan B setting I've ever heard of.

Read what Melody wrote to you about 10 times, over and over.

Make sure you know what boundaries your WW must accept before she A. joins you in the move, or B. you go without her (but with the kids) and the last thing you do before you leave is hand her a Plan B letter.

She is addicted, and Plan B will probably be what it takes to knock her off the fence.

Is this the 'fog' I'm reading so much about...
Wife got up and packed this morning for her trip back out of town for work. (She didn't sleep at all last night. She just stared at the TV in a catatonic state)She asked me about the job offer i had pending. I told her about it because I didn't want her to leave today thinking it was a bluff. Her response was "I don't have any interest in moving there" I told her "I wasn't asking you too" and she responded "well, looks like it's settled then. Do what you have to do, I asked you to move to (her job location) and you didn't want to do that so what can I say?"
Me not wanting to move to her job was taken out of context in a previous conversation. what I'd said to her was I didn't want to move to (her job location) if the OM was going to follow us there as an issue.

I calmly told her I wasn't interested in being in a triangle, i was interested in doing everything I could to save my family.. she responded to me telling me that she didn't want to picture a life without me and she was clear on not wanting a divorce, she wants the marriage but 'doesn't know how to work on it'.

Yet, that didn't stop her from leaving town, granted for her job and I'm pretty sure if I had the nerve to check, I would find out (and could) if OM was with her for sure but I'm 99% sure without doing so thats the case already.

She was in full blown tears as she was leaving today which isn't abnormal. Why the heck is she crying about leaving her family and then taking the nitwit with her! The more I want to understand this the more insane I get.

It sounds crazy I guess but I really just want to help HER feel better but I'm realizing I don't have any control over doing that. I just feel helpless and this tuff love/plan b is not helping me.

based on my own failures in the past
To not enforce boundries.. now I feel like I don't have any option but to pursue this job for myself so she takes it to heart that this isn't a game I'm playing with her.

I think my heart knows she's going to lose it if I actually left town. However I'm fighting internally that if I go I'm putting the final nail in the coffin.

All I could tell her when she left was "If you want us, it's your turn to fight for it". Maybe that was wrong of me, it was impulse at the time. She was really crying as she closed the door on the car and responded "Just do what you have too so you can feel better, I'm not mad at you, I made this mess... your better off without me screwing you up anymore, anyway".

Folks this is not the woman I married. The immaturity has got to be part of the fog, yes?

I'm paralyzed now on doing anything.

Thank You again gang, your support is incredible

There's no reason for you to move your family into an environment with involved in an active A is there? Unless you are wanting to remain in Plan A, but that does not seem to be having an impact on your W. It seems she knows what she needs to do and won't do it. So far, she has been able to fence sit, knowing you will be there and have tolerated her behavior so far.

So moving there and enduring more abuse from her doesn't seem to be a good option does it?

You could stay where you are, which is probably a better option than moving there, but you said the job was a good opportunity and if you aren't going to be in Plan A living with your W you might as well be doing what is in your families best interests. Moving away to persue the job opportunity seems to be in the best interests of your family, and if your WW chooses to join you in the future it will also give your M the best chance to recover as she will be forced to remove herself from OM. When all is said and done, in order to attempt to repair the M she is going to HAVE to agree to NC.

When you leave, you will want to write up a Plan B letter to give to her, telling her that you want the marriage to recover and believe it can and list the conditions under which you are willing to begin working towards that. Until she is willing to agree to that, you want nothing to do with her other than what is necessary regarding the kids. There will be no more relationship talks etc. unless and until she agrees to the conditions of the Plan B letter.

Make sure you tell her that you are not doing this to END the M, that you are doing this because it is in the best interests of the family and you hope that she will choose to again be a part of it.

Sounds to me like you did a good job this weekend. You are absolutely right, YOU cannot make the decision for her, and you have to protect yourself and your kids from her abusive behavior, which is exactly what it is.

Realize what you can and can't do, and what you are and are not responsible for. Always let her know that you hope to recover the M, but also enforce your boundaries in regards to what you are willing to tolerate. Doing this will force her to respect you, something she stopped doing a long time ago. She respected you when you first met, it is time to insist that she begin to do so again.

I’ve spent the last days very much enjoying the info on the MB website as well as the Harley’s radio program and archives. It’s giving me a fresh perspective on my situation. Like many of you I know several folks in similar situations or rapidly heading that way so I’ve been handing the links out to MB like candy.

I’ve accepted in my head that my wife is having an affair. It sucks and I wish I could do something to make the OM simply go away but I’ve realized it simply doesn’t work that way. In fairness I’m also trying to identify what my role in this was in the first place so if for no other reason, hopefully it’ll make me a better parent and so I won’t repeat the mistakes!.

I’d like to put some thoughts out there and see if my brain is firing on all 8 and get some feedback
When my wife broke off this same affair back in May and moved home, The withdrawls weren’t immediately noticeable to me but it didn’t take long. I feel like I made a mistake by backing off of her and trying to give her space while we shared our home. In my heart I was trying not to make her feel rushed, I thought she would need time to grieve/readjust. My response to it was to take the family out as much as I could, spending time but throwing money at the problem. Basically spoiling them rotten which made ME feel like “your being an awesome provider” and I think the reality is that’s not what she needed.

Me spoiling them I think now, has been an issue in our 15yr marriage for a long time. I grew up in a divorced home, my mother has been married 6 times. I was constantly tossed around to various family members who I am thankful for but I really never had stability and when I married my wife I swore I’d bust my butt to be everything my childhood wasn’t. I started my own business 8 years ago so I could work from home and be with the family. I was doing pretty well so I sent my wife to college which was a promise I made to her when we were married and I felt like I was doing everything I’d promised her. I really felt good but because of the things I wanted to do for them, I turned into a serious workaholic right under my own roof. She and the kids would do weekend things together and I would always tell her “I’ve got some work to do” (which was true). I couldn’t give them the world if I wasn’t working!.

My wife never complained openly and as much as I missed being with them for fun activities I wrote it off in my head saying “Hey, you asked for this family, it’s your responsibility to step up and take care of them pal”. It just made me feel good to hand her the card and say “yeah! Why don’t you go buy xxx for yourself and the kids”. I want to point out my wife is not a materialistic person at all. She never took a thing I didn’t give her.

I feel like I didn’t allow her to have a more active role in the day-to-day operations of the home in terms of paying bills, etc. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust her with money, it was because I felt like that was my problem and she shouldn’t have to worry about that stuff. In hindsight I believe I alienated her on accident?

This is going somewhere, I promise
I realized my ‘workoholism’ the year we were apart and she was living with the OM. The issue is, I realized it and after she came home in May, I did EXACTLY the same thing and I honestly didn’t realize I was doing it. It was my heads way of taking care of them. It hit me when I was reflecting on her living with the OM last year… she paid all the bills, she did everything we all have to do to run our homes, she basically called all the shots. We spoke frequently while we were apart and there were a few times where I would help her (if asked) financially, particularly when she first moved out. The OM (who is a 20 something year old pretty boy, 10 yrs younger then my wife) was pretty much along for the ride and that just drove me crazy. How could he sit there and take money from a woman and not step up and take care of her? Every hurt spouse says it I guess but this guy really doesn’t have much going on for himself. When he wasn’t with her he literally lived in a 10x15 shed on his parents property and he was pretty much okay with that.

Problem that I am so upset with myself about in this is as I said, I had realized this before my wife and I got back together and I backed off to give her time to heal and then I went back into my old ways… Provide, tell her not to worry… I just wanted her and the kids to feel better and enjoy life. I guess “The Road to H3LL is paved with good intentions” might apply?

Remember my wife was laid off right after she returned home so she spent the summer dependant on me for whatever she needed. My head is telling me this was her problem and she saw nothing but the same with me and she probably started reflecting on being able to be independent and unfortunately the OM was just a part of that scenario? When we speak now, she’s very frustrated and she’ll tell me openly “Drew I KNOW I love you, I KNOW I do.. but I just don’t know how to make this better yet”. She’s told me she doesn’t trust the OM but she doesn’t know why she hasn’t been able to cut him loose in her head.

So we find her a job in a new town, she wants to move for the job and she thought that was the best way to get the OM issue out of the way so she could focus on her career and family. After she got her first very own paycheck again, I never asked her for a dime. But out of nowhere, she suggested I stay home with the kids who were having a hard time with us being gone 3-4 days a week.. (wanna stress they were always well cared for by my family, we talked to them numerous times a day, I don’t want folks to think we ignored them). I agreed however it was tough on the kids and it was kind of hard for me to work with all the travel.

Next thing I know she’s acting weird, never saying anything like I’m leaving you or I don’t want our marriage, she has never said that to me. Yet she’s having an affair again, out of town with the same OM. He have very little responsibility so her travel out of town is a good scenario with him. I feel like she doesn’t really ‘love’ the OM and I do believe her when she tells me she loves me, I really do. But he’s able to fill her EN somewhere that I haven’t found and for whatever reason she isn’t able to openly convey to me. I've also noticed that she's happiest at her new job. I think she feels like thats an escape from both myself and the OM.

The family (hers and mine) are aware of the situation, she knows the families don’t agree with her decisions and that’s caused her problems.. Her way of dealing with that is to ignore them all. She knows how badly this hurt the kids emotionally and she knows the OM is a dead-end and she’s admitted that to me openly. Crazy eh?

My problem is I can’t do what she’s doing if the shoe were on the other foot. I’m too concerned about hurting the people I love. But I know my wife and I know she’s not doing this on purpose.. her priorities are way out of wack and that’s what I can’t watch anymore. I swear it’s like watching my mother all over again.

Ladies, I don’t wanna sound like a pig here &#61514;
I have a fear I’m coming across like a control freak or something. I’m not! I swear. I respect my wife very much and I guess that’s why I’m being used as a door-mat. I just want her to be happy and I didn’t want her to worry about the hard things in life. If anything, I sent her to college, paid for that in cash as she went and figured after she finished school I would finally be able to slow down and relax a little bit because we had more income. Again, my intent was pure. I did everything I could while she was in school cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids and I never complained once about it. I wanted to do it and support her..

I can’t help but feel like I got screwed though.

On to my observations about the Dr Harley
Everything he’s said that I’ve come across makes perfect sense. If he’s right (and I would like to think he is…) 95% of affairs end a natural death. That I am wasting my time by trying to force the issue with the OM. Her head isn’t in OUR relationship and pushing against it is just making it worse. I’ve listened to him say this on his radio program countless times.

Here’s my issue now
Because there are so many couples that have these same issues, it seems to me like this material boils down to a lot of “Human nature”? Here I am thinking I’ve got the love of a lifetime and I’m going thru the same problems a ton of other couples are going through.. It’s leaving me really jaded about the prospects for a happy future with all this Science. Again, I am not discounting anything he’s saying.. I’m just saying that it’s changed the way I think about relationships. I’m suffering from “Okay, that makes a lot of sense, so what is the point?” &#61514;

I still want my marriage
However, armed with Dr. Harleys knowledge I feel like I’m beating a dead horse on this issue with my wifes Affair. I have 2 options, sit here and wallow in that hurt or take this career path that’s been dropped in my lap with the hopes that my wife is going to be able to figure this out for herself and have the desire to take another run at it. I want my marriage more then anything but I don’t want to have a personal meltdown waiting for it to come around. If I sit here and wait, then I’m not really forcing her to do anything at all.

At the same time, she’s told me directly that she doesn’t want the OM to move to her new city, she loves me, she doesn’t want a divorce. If that’s true then why won’t she give the nitwit up and help me?. She and I have never been apart (living in 2 different states, 1000 miles apart). I’m not sure she’s thinking about what that’s going to be like and I’m scared of what might happen. I don’t think she believes I’d actually do it. But I don’t think it’s fair for me to put my life on hold anymore.

It’s just all leaving me to believe she’s in a very heavy [i]fog[/]

As always I’m open to advice &#61514;

Drew:

Your wife isn't playing you for a patsy. She's already told you exactly what's going on. She's addicted to the OM (the affair). The biochemistry of an affair can as powerful as cocaine or heroin addiction---and it's a very good model for what's going on.

Your addict needs help. Often they won't seek help until they crash (badly) and realize what a mess their life is. If you can afford it, do some counseling through the Phone Counseling links on the website here. Steve and Jen are both terrific, and they'll help you formulate a plan.

My guess is that a move would be great for you. Steve or Jen would probably have you POJA this (along with counseling) with your wife. If she's willing to commit to a move, put some distance between her and OM, and do counseling---it sounds like a very good situation to start recovery. If this doesn't work---it sounds like you might consider this as prep work for a Plan B---I'd probably put in another month or two of Plan A while you were moving (under coaching with Steve/Jen), and then you'll be set should you need to move to Plan B. By the sound of the OM's situation, I can't imagine the affair lasting more than a couple months after you left.

How old are your kids??

Magic...we feel your pain. There is nothing like it. Harley has stated that this is about as bad as it gets...short of losing a child.

Some things you need to learn to accept:

* When people engage in affairs, it parallels an addiction. They live for the "fix". They are addicted to the way they feel when in the presence of the OP. That's why all of their actions make no sense...they are driven by thoughts of their next fix. Think of her as a crack addict...as her behavior would change very little...but in this case, the OM is the crack.

* When people "crossover" to commit to the affair...they will forsake all that was important to them before...spouse, kids, jobs, friends, family, whatever. Some conceal it better than others, but bottom line...they will give up all they had and knew before engaging in the A.

* Frustrating and unfair as it is, the Betrayed Spouse must do the HARD work to coax the Wayward out of the A. That's what Plan A is all about.

* Full blown, scorched earth EXPOSURE is your very best weapon to influence the end of the A. A's thrive on secrecy. Exposure is to be done out of love for your spouse, to save your marriage, not out of vengence to destroy your spouse.

* Part of Plan A is changing/improving those things about yourself that your W perceived as Love Busters. Read all about love busters in Harley's books. Do not enable her behavior, and learn to detach emotionally from your W, so her every crazy action doesn't drag you into her chaos. One of you has to be the sane, responsible partner, and since she's now incapable, that leaves YOU.

* Marriage Builders principals work. However, you must become intimately familiar with all of the program to be able to "work" it effectively.

* Posting here will help keep you grounded, and get you a helping hand along the way. It is doubtful you will cross ground that someone here has not already experienced. Affairs are all-too common. It's like they have a handbook on how to act and what to say. The more your read here, the more this will become obvious to you.

* You cannot teach a WS anything. The only way you can impact her thinking is by taking actions that make her question her own behavior. Threats, love busters, ultimatums will get you no where.

* Only through a sustained period of unconditional love and working Harley's program will you begin to turn things around. You can (and are biblically entitled to) walk away and cut your losses, or, you and sit by and wait for the A to die (an average of 2 years), or you can read and learn all you can about Marriage Builders, and with the help of these forums begin a PLAN to win your W back from the A and build a stronger, better marriage.

* There is no easy button

K,
Our boys are 8 and 13. Because I've worked from home for most of our youngest sons life, he's really close to me, my 13yr old is a lot smarter then I wish he was (to spare him the pain I mean) and the last time his mom was home with us you had to be blind to see the frustration he's got towards his mother now. She would hug him and he'd do his best to pull away from her without being openly rude.

As I mentioned, I grew up in a similar situation to what he's going through and it's painful as ****** to watch. I can't bring myself to lie to him but I'm trying to be as assuring as i can. My 8 year old clings to her. There were issues last year when she was living with the OM. Both the boys don't care for him at all, who would seeing your mother and the OM being affectionate? I can’t do anything but assure him of how much mom loves them but with her actions, I know they feel like I’m just dishing lip service.

My wife loves our children dearly and I know that and it’s hard to accept that she’s allowed this situation to get so far out of control. I would eat broken glass then to think that the relationship between my wife and our kids would be destroyed over this.

When I consider the scenario of my Wife in City A and me in City B.. I know without thinking too hard the kids are NOT going to want to live with her. I don’t have any issue at all with the kids going with me but it’s breaking my heart because she’s not going to be able to deal with that well at all and instead of her seeing things the way they are, I’m fearful she’s simply going to blame me for coaxing the kids (not the case, but with her current state of mind, that’s what she would think). Reality is.. regardless of how she treats me I would never say a foul word to our kids about their mom. I just couldn’t do that.

It’s incredibly frustrating but I don’t feel like I’ll be doing our kids any service by staying in a home where they know mom isn’t playing by the rules.

shattered dreams:

Love the list, with this exception:


That is not consistant at all with the MarriageBuilders work that I've done with the Harley's. If you look through all the material on this site, in Surviving An Affair---there's no scorched-earth exposure policy. In general, exposure is measured, and the only exposure that Harley advocates in the material here is between the spouses.

And you definitely can't teach a WS anything. Learned that the hard way... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Drew:


Understood. Completely. Remember that this isn't a long-term lifestyle you're thinking about. It's a strategy for ending this affair.

Can you afford counseling with the Harley's. There are some who I've badgered into that (for months) before finally relenting. I can only remember one less than thrilled customer (and I've sent dozens, hundreds, to it...)

Try not to attempt to make sense out of your wife's affair. It doesn't make any sense. I think you're best bet is to attempt a bit of counseling---get her on board to talk with Steve/Jen, and then attempt the move together.