I was wondering what the feelings are out there about getting a gift for your WS?

If you've not seen my situation, I'm in Plan A, separated for 6 months, possibly hitting Plan B sometime soon.

But beyond suggesting anything to me directly, what's the predominant feeling?

Ron

Hey Ron,

Mrs. RIF and I never separated... I still got her a Christmas present every year... so I don't really know what to say for your situation.

If you do decide to get her something, I'd get her something that she wouldn't be able to share or give to the OM...

How about a nice framed picture of you and the kids???

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hahahahahaha.....luv it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The way I see it, if you're in plan A, then I think you should definitely get a gift. And one that's very thoughtful that only YOU would think to get. Try to make it special. I know that's hard sometimes. I pretty much suck at it myself, but my H is great at it.

Now if you were in plan B, then definitely not.

Merry Christmas to ya.

LOL RIF.....

I like the way you think! You're devious

You're in Plan A so I think getting her a gift goes along with that. Make sure it's something that is very personal to her. Get her a gift that shows you know her and love her. For example, if she is really into a certain hobby or has a unique interest, get something along that line. Or if she loved a certain movie or treat as a kid, try to find it and give that to her.

Check Amazon.com for old movies.

hee hee...

Well, there's no sense in getting something that the OM will enjoy ...so that rules out cash, right?

You're still in Plan-A, so you want to get her something "personal" that your W would enjoy... what better gift than a nicely framed picture of you and the kids!

...Ok, I am a bit devious... as long as shes with the OM, she's not going to "enjoy" the picture... but it will be a nice reminder for her of what she's about to throw away if she continues with the A!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Give her a gift that you both can enjoy together.
Weekend trip.

Wow Road,

My vote is for that IDEA/GIFT.

I gave mine a couple of things. One that I KNOW was something he was very interested in, one that was a reminder of his mother (if she were alive, she would be so dissapointed and mad at him), pictures of me, our children and his neices as reminders of the family he doesn't have and latkes for his stomach.

Not to mention the gift of seeing the getting skinny and every changing wife that he has abandoned, but is still loving and completely different.

I think I almost got the 8 gifts for Hanukkah..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SG

Two of my three daughters sometimes send WXH/WF (Wayward Father) a card or give him a gift (if they will be seeing him right before or after Christmas).

During one false recovery attempt WH begged to come home (um just in time for Christmas...) He was only home for four days before going back to OW - got up early the morning of Dec. 26 to go alone back to his apartment to pack his stuff to move it back home... nope didn't want to wait for our daughters to wake up and maybe go with him... stayed gone ALL day, told me over the phone he was having second thoughts... when he did come home HE started a big argument over my calling the OW and his mother to find out he was still lying to them and had told them I "MADE" him come home or esle I wouldn't allow him to even speak to our daughters. He said I had no business contacting them. BTW, I had discussed what I had learned on the phone with him and was going to wait until a MC session to discuss it further - not in front of daughters.) He started big argument in front of daughters and used it as excsuee to leave to go back to OW.

I took everything I and daughters had bought him for Christmas (which he didn't take with him to OW's place - no doubt believing he could just come back whenever he wanted to) and returned those items that were all purchased at the same store, and used the store credit there to buy myself a very nice expensive winter coat.

One year we got him a very nice and expensive men's Bible (I paid for it of course - this was after OW dumped him but before the divorce was final. And I think even the oldest daughter who almost completely ignores him signed that gift too.)

I don't give him anything anymore.

He chose the OW instead of me. That made it her responsibility to meet his needs, buy him gifts, etc., not mine.

He insisted on divorcing me even after she dumped him for an OM. That's not my problem or fault. Guess he chose the wrong woman? So he doesn't get a gift from me or her? Whatever....

Hey Road!

I love that idea.....that is fantastic! I may have to hold that one off until March(her birthday)..but a great idea!

Ron

Hi Ron,

I don't know what your current Plan A situation is like, but in general the gift should be personal, but not over the top with regard to expense, sentimentality, or committment to do something she doesn't want. A trip for two together could be great if that's something she's interested in, but if she's not---it'd be a bad move.

One thing the Harley's will recommend is that if the WS is willing to go no contact---that you do as long a vacation away as possible. The reason for this is to eliminate the ability to relapse and contact the OP, as well as forcing the WS to allow the BS to meet needs. I wouldn't consider this as a gift---but you might try a POJA-style conversation around it, if you haven't already.

"If you do decide to get her something, I'd get her something that she wouldn't be able to share or give to the OM..."

Smart idea!!!

Oh, and I agree that if you are still in Plan A then of course you do get the WS a Christmas present.

Sinkingin: It sounds as if you came up with really good gift ideas so far.

My H got me Christmas presents last year (and christmas time last year was about the height of my fog). He got me little presents that I couldn't share with my OM... and that had special meaning to us. I didn't tell him at the time, but that took a blow torch to the ice on my heart for a bit (I never even really showed that it did that to him externally, so don't expect a lovey-dovey response... but, in my head, I was thinking to myself "this is crazy, see what you are doing to this wonderful man?? Why are you doing this? Are you stupid? See how well he knows YOU?"

Personal presents (especially well timed ones) are a good blowtorch on the ice of a WS's heart. At least in my experience. Just don't get your hopes up in expecting a response-- just know there's an internal one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

RIM

In essence, that perfectly sums up the attitude you should have during Plan A. You're laying important groundwork, and although you may see no visible signs that it's working---if you're doing it well, it certainly will work.

You may not see the results until after Plan B, though...

Hi Regret....If you don't mind me asking, what did he get you?

How about a nice set of fog lights?

Couldn't help myself.

In the same vein as previously suggested, I read on another site the idea to buy a digital picture frame, loaded up with family (not wedding) pictures. This is what I've decided to do this year. Unfortunately there are not many pictures of us as a family since she has been the keeper of the camera for years but there are pictures of DD with each of us I should be able to dig up.

TREMENDOUSLY helpful to read regret's thoughts on this matter. A few weeks after Dday I bought WW a CD of big band music. I stopped by her room that night and said, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot - I picked this up for you today" She looked like she was in complete disbelief when she opened it up and said, "Why did you do this?" and I replied, "Because you've been really down lately and sometimes music helps pick you up." She looked even more shocked and said, "You are...(here I swear she was going to say "amazing") crazy." I just smiled and said, "yeah, a little bit"

-JC

JustCoz---great idea. And I'll double the warning to avoid wedding pictures. You don't want to have an obvious ulterior motive ascribed to the gift...

Hi Ron--

My H got me a set of bowl that are shaped like lobsters. We have (had?) an "inside joke" of sorts where we would each say that we were the other's lobsters... this came after watching an episode of "Friends" where Phoebe says that Ross and Rachel are each other's lobsters... because lobsters mate for life.

He also got me a christmas ornament which had a husband and wife "smores"-- I dont know if you are familiar with the "smores" but they are a line of christmas ornaments that are cute little marshmellow people. H doesn't understand why I like them so much, but I think they are adorable.

He had also shrunk a sweater of mine previous to christmas-- it was one of my favorites-- and he bought me a new similar one (they stopped selling hte one he shrunk).

He also got me a "husband and wife" cookbook-- we both love to cook.

Hmm... I don't remember what else off the top of my head. I'm sure there were a few more thoughtful things in there, but those are the ones I can think of.

He bought me things that played to OUR relationship and who WE were. None of them were generic gifts, they all had SOME meaning in some way or another...

RIM

JusCoz-

I guarantee you that that CD was a little blowtorch <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

A gift that truly comes from the heart, and at the same time shows that you truly get "her"??!?! And, you played it off like it was "no big deal"-- you didn't make a huge ordeal out of it making it seem like you expect something in return. Perfect. Bravo. Keep it up.

RIM