My story:

I'm 33, she's 31. We were together 15 years and married for the last 4. We met when I was 17 and she was 15. We don't have kids, but we were planning to very soon. Everyone thought we had the perfect relationship including myself, but that literally changed in the blink of an eye. I found out 6 months ago about the A and it was going on for 1 1/2 years. The OM is married with 2 kids. I was devestated and and my world crumbled on top of me. Unfortunately, I didn't know about MB and now realize that I've totally screwed up. I immediately made her move out to her parents house and committed alot of LBs. She kept coming back saying sorry and we went to MC, but I was too hurt and confused. I didnt feel like she was showing enough remorse for me to commit to reconciling, but we continued this for about 3 months. I had been in contact with OMW and although I was still suspiciscious, we thought the A was over. Just as I was about to commit to working it out, I found out it was still going on. I informed OMW again and this time it was officially over. She threatened to take away his kids, so OM did N/C. This is when WW said she "didn't know what she wanted" and "needed time." I know now that she was expecting to continue the A, but when she realized it was truly over she flipped on me with anger and resentment. She would not talk or see me for about 5 weeks. I kept trying to contact her, but all that did was show her my ugly withdrawals. She lost all interest in fixing the M and acted very cruely to me.

I've been in a horrible place for awhile, but the information here has given me some hope and I'm trying to claw my way out. It might be too late now, but I decided to fight and have been trying to get plan A working. She began speaking to me again, but she's very cold and distant. I've only seen her once in the past month and half when I took her to dinner for her birthday. I told her I still loved her very much, that I understood much more now and apologized for all my LBs during our marriage and after dday. She did a lot of crying and admitted there was no excuse for what she did, but it's too late now and we've done too much damage to each other. She is also saying things like "ILYBNILWY", "it would never work" and she wants to be "friends." I know this is all probably from the fog, but I'm stuck and don't know what to do. We talk almost daily now, but its mostly on IM and about insignificant things such as her needing to get something out of the garage. She never wants to talk about the "relationship" and get's angry if I call her without having a good reason. She said, she doesnt want to give me false hopes and that she's begun dating someone. From what I've heard, there isn't much being developed between them, so i don't bring it up. I've talked to her sister who said WW does not feel the spark for me anymore. The only thing giving me hope is that she's not ready to decide on a D. I've asked her if she's 100% sure about things and she said, "no not 100%." Aside from that she is set on her decision of not coming back and she doesn't acknowledge the fact that she's still my wife.

I try to contact her atleast every other day. I occassionally send her messages to tell her I love her. I ask about her day, but I find myself overdoing it at times. She doesn't seem to respond well to these things and usually leaves the conversation. Am I over doing Plan A or do i just have it all wrong? She knows what I want and sees my actions as a ploy to get her back. The times she seems to respond positively, is when I play the role of "just friends," but i don't want to be placed in that role. As far as I'm concerned she's my wife and we'll never be just friends. It almost sounds like a game, but it's the most painful thing I've ever been through. It's been 6 months since DDAY and I still can't sleep, eat or stop thinking about it.

Any advice on what I should or shouldn't be doing?

I was thinking of writing her a letter to share the things that I've learned. To tell her that I know what she's going through and the reasons why she feels the way she feels, but I don't know if its a good idea. How do WSs respond when they are told they're in a fog?

Hi DM,

Most people aren't here on the weekends, BUT they will be around tomorrow if not sooner.

I'm sorry you are here. Please know I understand the devastation and hurt you are feeling. I am such a newbie that I am not qualified to offer any advice but be patient. When I first came here I thought one minute would make the difference and I found it really didn't.

You will have much to learn. Did you order SAA and HNHN books? I know that is what people recommend first.

You are not alone here and there are so many people who can help you develop your Plan.

I wish you luck and will pray for you.

SG

I wouldn't write her a letter and "share" what you have learned here. Waywards don't like to be "taught".

Instead I would send her cheery emails, and not mention your relationship right now. You need to show her that you have stopped the LB's and can be a GREAT husband.

Are you CERTAIN that there is no contact now?

Skinsgal,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have read your post and I'm very sorry. I will pray for you as well. I know that my situation's bad because WW is out of the house eventhough the A is over. It kills me to think that OM and OMW are working through it and recovering while my WW has no interest in me. I did order SAA but not HNHN yet. It is painful to know that I'm not being given a chance. She is everything to me, but I'm of no value to her whatsoever.

I hope someone here has been in my shoes and can offer some help.

DM I'm facing a very similar kind of reaction you are describing, and my WW is planning on moving out.

I a read through my latest thread, as I've been getting some very good advice.
WW spouse in a fog?

Believer, since I'm in very little contact with WW, there's no longer anyway for me to completely verify NC. In fact OMW called me lastnight. She said that things seem to be going well with them, but she just wondered if I knew anything. That could be a flag if she is suspecting things. However, as far as I know it is over. WW has called me a couple of times to tell me that she saw OM on the road or that she saw him with OMW and kids. I'm not sure why she calls to tell me these things, but I do believe it to be over. Her sister has told me that ww was very upset the first time she saw them together. I believe she still has feelings for him and is going through some withdrawals.

TMTS,
Thanks for your post. I have in fact been following your thread for awhile. Unfortunately, I'm not qualified to give any advice, but I'm right there with you and feel your pain. Sometimes I wonder if my ww will ever come out of her fog. She seems to have really convinced herself that this is what she wants and she has re-written our history.

My plan A doesn't seem to be working well. I feel like I'm being too passive, which is giving her a lot of strenghth. The more I show her that I still love her and apologize, the more it seems to re-enforce her stand on things. I think it's time re-evaluate my plan. Any suggestions?

If you can afford it... talk to one of the Harley's. I spoke with Jennifer about two weeks ago now and she really set me straight. Re-read the posts that Mark left me early on...It took me a while to get it but I think I finally did.

I found that the anti-depressant meds helped, as well as a good support circle. I've used the board to journal which also helps.

One thing that finally hit me was that I had to think in term of me and the kids. She will do what she will do, and she's the only able to break the cycle.

Hope that helps... Stay strong, I'm pulling for you!

Hi DM! So sorry about your struggles. Read Mark's Rant for newbies thread. I bumped it up for tryingtoohard a little while ago. It will help you on what you should be focused on- almost like a "how to" for people in your shoes.

It sounds like she is in withdrawl, especially when the exposure pulled the OMW and OM closer and they are trying to work things out. Take comfort in the fact that you have done the right thing there.

What I am not sure of is with her being gone and holding you at arm's length, shooting you full of LB's, etc, how much of Plan A will still work. Maybe a very dark Plan B? There are no kids to consider, and I have read Mark's stuff so much that he is like a recording in my head. I think he would say that the biggest thing you could possibly do right now is be a better person FOR YOU which will possibly make you more desirable for her. Right now, both of you need to see the value of YOU! Take that power back-for YOURSELF, and she will HOPEFULLY notice. If you have apologized for shutting her out in the beginning and for any hurtful things you may have said, then STOP APOLOGIZING. Stop begging/pleading and be strong. Do whatever it takes to convince yourself that you can grow from this and be a better person.

The other thing is-are you still supporting her financially at all? Sounds like she is living with her parents- Do they know the whole story? That you are trying to fix things and forgive her? Maybe they can be your eyes and ears, and start moving her in the right direction..? Just a thought.

From what I've heard, you can drag out a D for a long time, even if she does file. Any clue as to why she hasn't? If she's saying she's "not sure" or "not ready" I would see that as a good sign, unless it is financially related (cake eating).

Res,
Thank you for pointing me to Mark's thread. I took a lot from it and I'll continue reading.

You're right, I believe she's still experiencing some withdrawals from the A. Unfortunately, I did nothing but LBs after dday, which lasted for months. I completely drained her of any feelings for me. She had nothing left even though the A didn't work out as planned. She's also done a lot of justifying and twisting in her head these past 2 months. Her exact words the other day were, "I wouldn't have done this if I loved you" and "My decision was not about OM like I thought it was." As for filing a D, she had said she wasn't ready, but that's recently changed to "I want a D, but I'm going to hold off because you asked me to." I'm not sure if there's a big difference in meaning there, but I don't like the change.

Financially, she'll probably struggle for a few of months because of her credit card bills and car loan, but she just started a new job with higher pay. She is living rent free with her brother at F's house which is a block away from me. Her parents still don't know what happened. To be honest, I don't think they'll have any bearing on her decision because she isn't very close to them, meaning they never really talked about personal problems. Telling them would just bring shame to her and I don't know if that helps my cause. Her M and F have been separated for years and M lives in another city. F usually spends his nights at his girlfriends house, so WW and BIL have the house to themselves.

I think you're right about whether or not plan A is going to work at this point. She seemed to be responding to it for awhile, but in her mind, we are just friends.
I was too aggressive with the "I love you"s and now she's pulled away even further. The thing is I don't know about Plan B either. I think I've become an annoyance to her now and it may be relief to not have to deal with me any longer. I'm not planning to contact her for the remainder of the week and I'll be leaving town between Christmas and New Years. I'll see how things are when I get back. I feel like I've fallen into a dark pit right now and things are really sinking in.

I guess my new question is.... what is the possibility of regaining someone's love after you have completely drained their LBank to this degree?

Believer is trying to help you, man. Don't pass over her advice. You can fill your WW's bank again, bit by bit, but it's going to take time. Stay in contact with OMW and get back with her to ask why she asked you if you knew anything. Seems to me her instincts might be kicking in.

She hurt you, you hurt back. It's a natural response for anyone in that situation. It is why many people do not survive this type of devastation.

However, I hope what you've learned here has moved you to at least decide what it is YOU want. If it is recovering your marriage, then YOU do the changing that is necessary for YOU to be a better person, and hopefully she will see it, realize what you have both lost here, and come back home. It saddens me that she was remorseful, and tried to come back, but you cannot think about that now. What's done is done. Move ahead and Plan A her socks off, if you choose. The up side (if there IS one in these situations) is that your anger is gone (or at least for the most part). It will allow you to be calm and do a great Plan A. Would I be correct in saying that you have grown as a person from this experience, and have a better understanding of the person that you want to be versus the person you were before? You can be that stronger person for the rest of your life, no matter what happens.

It may be a good idea to do your holiday stuff and leave it alone for a couple weeks, since you'll be gone anyways. Take some time to reflect, formulate your plan, and then start when you come back. It has probably been many, many years since she spent Christmas without you, yes? This may work in your favor.

Also, she does live very close to you, so you should be able to be effective without pushing.

I wish you the best of luck...remember- the statments you said she made in your last post is classic fog speak. Less than a month ago, I said these same types of things to my husband and we were never even separated during this whole mess! Like I said, no D papers is a good sign. The fact that she has a comfy place to live with very little cost, well, maybe not so good!

Any of the vets want to take a stab at whether he should tell her F? Maybe get him "on his team" so to speak? Is it a good idea?

Drowning, you seem to be in my shoes!! I feel like I've walked miles in them! If I've learned anything from being here, it is this.....A resolution or reconciliation doesn't happen overnight...It takes a looooong time.

Being in Plan A means give, give, give...and don't expect anything... You're like me, I want to see my wife turn around and jump into my arms! That's not going to happen. It takes work, and time.....probably as much time as it took to get you into this spot in the first place. And that's probably longer than you think!

I too, hope that my wife will find love for me again, at this point, I (like you) have to decide whether I have the strength to keep giving without seeing anything in return. It sucks...it's unfair....it's horribly frustrating....but that's the way it is. So far, I feel I have the strength to keep on sucking it up.....My goal is more important than the cost to get there...

My wife too says she's not sure of what she wants...she doesn't know if she wants me, the other guy or nobody....I talked to Jennifer the other day, she said that's a very good sign...She said "I love it when WS's say that!. Keep doing things to keep her off balance, and keep being a great catch.

I continue to try my best at Plan A....Inside I go between optimism and desperation........outside, I'm happy and strong.

Be strong......if not inside, for cure on the outside....

Ron

LH, I'm taking believer and everyone else's advice to heart, but things keep changing and took another twist tonight.

I was having dinner with a friend when my phone rings. It's OMW again. She called to inform me that WW called OM at work today. Coincidence? I think this is the first contact in a month and half. Apparently, she told him that she missed him, but he told her they couldn't talk anymore. Who knows if thats how the conversation really went, but I guess it's a good sign that OM told his wife. She is freaked out though. Btw.. WW's new job is about a mile away from her former job where OM works. What's strange is that OM also told his wife that she and I should not talk anymore, so they can concentrate on their recovery and let us deal with our own issues. That makes sense, but I wonder if there's another reason he's trying to stop us. My advice to OMW was to stay vigilant since I'm not able to keep tabs on WW anymore.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I was down all day but now I'm a little angry. She just said, "It's not about OM like I thought, it's about you." then she goes and calls him. I don't know what I should do or if I should do anything right now. I have an urge to call her out on it, but I also wonder if OM is going to stick with NC. If so, it might be a good time for plan A again, but it will have to wait a couple weeks. My mind is all over the place.

Res, I've grown a lot from this and I know that it's about improving myself. This is the darkest most painful time of my entire life and I'm going to take from it as much as possible. I admit that I haven't been taking care of myself, but i've found the motivation and goal to do so. I want more than anything to apply what i've learned to my relationship to WW, but if that doesn't happen, I will walk away a better person.

Ron,
I'm sorry if you are in the same shoes. My WW said all of those things "I don't know what or who I want." Now she's convinced her self that she's sure of things and it's all the wrong things. You're right, we need to give and give and hope someday they'll see what we're giving them.

Keep plan A'ing.
Without warning you must expose to both your families.

should I tell her that I know she tried to contact him? It's already exposed to OM's family. WW's 2 sisters and brother know as well. Her parents don't know, but as I mentioned, her family doesn't have much influence in regards to these types of things. Her main support system has been her older sister. She's already said things to her before, but doesn't press the issue because WW wont listen. I want to ask her why she called OM if she doesn't think its about him anymore and try to bring it her attention. Also, the fact that OM told his wife about it might make her realize something. Is this a good idea?

I want to talk to her sister, but nobody understands any of this except all of you on MB.

No, not someday. There needs to be a time limit to any plan A or B. This is so that you have an end in sight and is supposed to help you deal with the fact that you are doing all the giving with no reciprocation. That is a hard pill to swallow, from what I've read by BSs here, and setting a time limit for yourself may help.

I hope he did tell her that yesterday, but if he did, she is going to feel very rejected right now. She is still in withdrawl, and the fact that she is not living with you may promt her to seek that A feeling elsewhere... I am not telling you this to scare you, only to prepare you.

Any vets out there know how he should approach her right now? She will be very volatile for a while. I think the only thing you can do is show her that YOU are who she should be with...woo her without being aggressive. Maybe leave flowers for her on her car at work, maybe send an ecard to her (that way, it's not something she needs to respond to). "Just want you to know I'm here for you and I love you" type of thing...nothing heavy. Think of a bunch of things you can do from a slight distance so she doesn't feel pressured. And then take care of yourself so that if she comes back you will be ready with your new coat of armor and feelin good about yourself.

PS- I was responding to the last post I read about "someday hopefully they will se what we are doing for them."

OK. I take it all back. I'm horrible at Plan A and I've shown too much weakness for too long. I spoke to my WW again, of course I called her and of course she seemed annoyed that I called. She asked me if I had heard from OMW lately. I tried to avoid the question, but she persisted and kept wanting an answer. I told her that I knew she called OM the other day. She came up with lies about why she called him, but I know she tole him she missed him. I do think he rejected her though and now she's angry. I asked why she called him after saying it's "not about him" and she still insists that it isn't. Now she say's she want's a divorce. I know this is fog talk, but it's really getting to me. She says she's happier now, to which I just said I was happy for her. I understand she's still in withdrawal and speaking to OM probably made her take a few steps backwards. I told her that I love her and that I'm here for her in anyway. Her only response was "I know that, but it would never work." Once again I feel hopeless. I'm drained, tired and defeated. My Plan A is ineffectual and I doubt she'll miss me in plan B. In fact I think she'd be relieved. Our life has never been about playing games. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I've always been real with her no matter how felt. Now she uses it against me.

When is it time to give up?