I could be wrong... but... I think this should be saved for when you get ready to go to Plan B. If you bring this up tonight, she'll get defensive. Hard to Plan A when she's defensive.

Thank you all. I followed your advice, stuck to plan A and kept the conversation light. I listened to her talk about her new job and we talked about things going on with our friends and family. Yes, it was a lot of gossip, but not necessarily the bad kind. It was the longest and most normal conversation we've had in 3 months. We didn't talk about the relationship at all. The closest thing to it was when I asked her why I was given the pleasure of having dinner with her. She didn't really say anything, but I looked into her eyes and she started tearing up. I asked if she missed me and she said yes!

Dinner lasted a good two hours. On the way home, I reached over and sort of brushed her arm. She gave me her hand and we held for a second, but she pulled away. I jokingly kept trying to hold her hand after that, but she just kept laughing and pulling away. She wouldn't come into the house when we got home, so she gave me a hug on the driveway. I probably shouldn't have done this, but I kissed her on the cheek and some how we had a short kiss on the lips. I was still holding her for awhile, but she gave me another peck on the lips and said she had to go. I was afraid that wasn't such a smart move if I want to send a message about OM, but I remembered what you said about still being in plan A and that I should save the OM part for B. I will admit it was the best I've felt in awhile though. Definitely better than being pushed away.

Now, I've been sitting here and thinking that the ice might be starting to melt, but I also feel like I'm the OM in my own marriage. I guess I should just block that out for now and enjoy what felt like a good night. Thanks again, everyone. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Well done! You would have missed this wonderful moment had she been on the defensive about OM. When you guys get these moments together, OM does not exist. Only you. Only her. These are the kinds of memories that you want to leave her with if you get to Plan B.

DM;

Very nice. You've done well, and as princessmeggy states, you're doing an excellent job setting up Plan B, should you need to go that route.

I really appreciate all your support. Lastnight was the first time I actually felt like I did somethng right, but it's wearing off pretty fast. We're both online right now and she seems like her normal foggy self again. She's distant and very short with me. I know I shouldn't expect anything to change. It's just frustrating. I'm wondering when my next opportunity will come, if it ever will. It seems like everytime I say something nice or even when I'm just joking around with her, she backs off. We used to have the same sense of humor and laughed almost daily. Now she's always serious. I can't believe she actually thinks she is happier now. I know her and this is not my happy W.

DM,

I'm here with you man. She sounds very much like my WW eccept I don't get any of the distance, mine acts like we are roommates like in Three's Company.

Hang in there, lets hope that yesterday was just the start.

Get off line. Go do something for you. You don't want to seem like you're sitting at the computer waiting for the ding. Leave her alone for a little while. If you have a normal time to be online, vary it.

Hi DM.... I can't count the number of times my wife has beeen up, then down, then up, then down....If I tried to read anything into all of it, I would have finished War and Peace by now......I would say she is on as much of a roller coaster as you are, the last thing you should do is read too much, if anything at all, into one moment in time. I did (still do), and it always leads to disappointment.

Just do what K and Princess said.. keep it up, it will either lead to a pattern of behaviour (which you can then read into, keeping you in Plan A) or it will be a good lead into Plan B..

As far as what you mentioned on my post, most here would say that a month of Plan A is too short, at least from what I've read....If you can, keep it going for a while longer, but, only if you can...your'e the judge of that.

(It's so easy to give advice when you aren't talking about yourself!!)

Ron

I'm usually online all day while I'm at work and so is she. That's how it's been for years. You're right though, I wish I didn't contact her today. I feel like it just killed whatever happened lastnight. I think i'm understanding it now. She only likes my plan A when SHE wants it and not when I'm offering it to her. The hard part is I want to show her my love everyday, but she doesn't care unless she thinks it's fading. So the whole dinner was probably just a check up to make sure I'm still here. Now that she knows I am and got her fix, she's going back to sitting in her fog. It's making me a little angry thinking about it now. It's just seems so selfish. Can I really blame this on the fog?

I think that it's a bit of a stretch to suggest she was just checking to see if "you were still there". I expect our FWS's on the board can give more, but I think she was giving you genuine feelings, the problem is that the fog is stronger right now. And yes, she is taking, and taking, and taking.......your job in Plan A is to be the giver....WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS....

Definitely you gave her her "fix", I would suggest that in Plan A, that is what you want to do.. So that when the fix is gone, you are the "only dealer in town".

Yep....you are angry, frustrated...she's a selfish t#$#$.... You are in control.......you decide when it's time for you withdraw from her......Because you are the true SHINING LIGHT in her world, it is up to you when to put the cover over YOUR BRILLIANCE!!

When everyone has finished vomiting......DM, I have realized that I am the one who controls how I feel.. My wife, as much as I love her, is the only one who can decide if she wants to partake in my Plan A efforts..if she chooses to give me the brush off, that's her loss. The same goes for yours...

She's in a fog, you be her lighthouse...it's up to her to choose a safe passage, or to end up wrecked on the rocks......

(I should write for a living!!)

Ron

Thanks again, Ron. Maybe you SHOULD write for a living. Not a bad idea for something to do in Plan B (if that's where you're headed).

So I deleted my last post. I guess I didnt like the direction I was going. But I'm starting to get this creeping feeling that I don't like. I'm wondering if plan b is coming sooner than I thought. How do I know? I still love my wife more than anything, but I think I'm losing my motivation.. especially after hitting a high point like the other night and being dropped to the bottom again. I feel pretty drained right now.

Hang on buddy. My turn to lift you up a little. The other night was a milestone, or as Mark would say a little victory. About going to Plan B, that's a tough one. She's seems to be cake eating quite a bit, are you comfortable that you haven't become a doormat? Get some advice from the vets on that one.

We're here man...this is the best place to vent.

TMTS & DM

there is one poster a cpl of yrs ago that performed an incredible 9 mo long plan A with a daily journal. He was being coached by the vets with some of the best advice I have seen was on that thread. Some of vets kept pushing for Plan B several time but Dr Harley said not yet.

The OM in this case would not leave the WW alone while she fought to make a decision - basically he was a stalker. Meanwhile in this stitch - they separated a cpl of times and went to Plan D twice before stopping at the courthouse. The last post that I saw was she finally returned just before Plan B.

Search for the poster dazednconfusedks. He was also being coached by Dr Harley and was pushed to do the long Plan A along the way when all seemed hopeless. In this case the WW was walkaway wife whereby she was ready to start a new life way before the BH even knew.

I think there a cpl of posters MIN and FT that would benefit from these postings. Just my 2 cents.

RW, I found the post you are talking about and just started reading it. Any threads that can help me in my sit. are greatly appreciated, so thank you. My next step is to get off my butt and set something up with one of the Harleys. I don't know why I haven't done it yet, I guess cause they're on Central time and my work schedule is a bit demanding. This whole thing with WW along with the craziness of the holidays had me exhausted, but no more excuses. I hope they can help me.

I don't know if I screwed up again today or not, but I called WW to tell her she got a package at the house. I noticed that she didn't seem to be with OM2 lastnight, so I asked if she was still seeing him. Her reply was that she still talks to him, but hasn't seen him in awhile. I'm guessing "awhile" means last week or maybe new years eve. I don't know what their situation is, but I thought it's a good time to ask her not to see him anymore and to go out with me instead. She said, she didnt know. I told her I was thinking we could do something tomorrow, but she said she had to think about it, she needs time and not to pressure her. I told her I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage, but that I couldn't if there is someone else in the picture again. She said she understands and needs time to think, so I left it at that.

I don't know if their fling is dying out because of her or him, but I do feel relieved that it seems to fizzing out. I'm not in any position to ask for NC, so I'll have to live with the fact that they're still in contact and who knows they might still hook up. However, this gives me more motivation to do plan A with out feeling like a fool. That was the worst part of it, that I was pouring my heart out to her knowing that she's going to bed with someone else and it's someone who has no business being a part of this story. He doesn't deserve to be with her. I hope he get's his heart crushed and learns why you don't get involved with a married woman. I can't even say the things I want to do to this guy right now.

What are you doing now to make a better life for yourself?

Well, I started getting some work done around the house. I just had 2 bathrooms remodeled, which is something we'd been wanting to do for years. It took about 2 months and I started while she still wanted to reconcile. She actually picked out most of the materials. The house was built in the 70's and has never been updated, so it's an ongoing project. If things don't work out with my W, I plan to sell it or rent it out.

I started going back to the gym. I've lost about 25 pounds since dday and I wasn't a very big guy to begin with. It was mainly due to my loss of appetite and not eating anything for months. I lost a lot of muscle mass because of it, so I'm trying to regain that right now.

I used to be into a lot of hobbies and sports, but nothing has been appealing to me anymore. I'm getting to the point where I'm looking for new things to get into, but between the remodeling, exercising and work there hasn't much time. Fortunately, I do have a lot of friends, so i've been going out with them as much as possible. I can't say that we do anything productive, but it definitely helps to get my mind off of things.

Sounds like you are doing fine on that. I was just worried that you are getting depressed. I wonder why your hobbies and sports no longer interest you?

If you sell the home, do you need to split the procedes with your wife?

I was wondering if there was something else I should be doing. I guess I lost interest in those things because I was so depressed since this happened and everything reminded me of her. The things I used to do when we were together just aren't the same anymore. She used to come watch or I'd come home and tell her about my day. I've shared every experience I've had in the last 15 years with her. That's one of the toughest things to get over.

I don't think she is seeking any proceeds if I sell the house. It was given to me by my M just before we got engaged. It's the home that I grew up in and it's where I lived when we first met. She put money into our joint account which helped pay for mortgage payments and bills, but her name is not on the title and I don't think she feels entitled to taking money from me if I sell. Atleast not right now.

This has never been about money, but I did a major LB after DDay when I made her leave the house. I told her it was our house until she decided to go outside of our marriage. This is something she has brought up and now says that she never felt like it was ours and that everything was mine. I have apologized for it and offered that we buy a new house together if she decides to come back.

I have so many regrets right now. She was trying to come back for months, but I was too hurt and devastated by the A. I guess I thought she would keep coming back until I was ready to accept her again. I waited too long. Things could've been so different.

Things can be better than they ever have been. I do see her point about the home. It might make me feel the same way.

I think you are doing all you can do. The point is just to outlast any affair, staying in Plan A, with no angry outbursts.

Hi DM,

You sound pretty down today. you alright?

Hang in there there man.