What chrisner and 14th said.

If you want to date other women, then get a divorce and become single. There is no law that says you have to be married and nobody here is going to tell to stay married if you don't want to.

But -- "dating while married" is exactly what your WW is doing.

You have ZERO chance of having a marriage if *one* partner is dating other people.

You have LESS THAN ZERO chance of having a marriage if *both* partners are dating other people.
Mulan

Thanks for your responses. Let me add something else.

I talked to WW today and things have cooled down. She is leaving on a week long business trip on monday, so i asked if she wanted to have dinner before she left. She said, "ok." But I also asked her if she is still seeing OM2 and I guess I was wrong about it dying out. She said, she's still seeing him. Should I still go to dinner with her?

And back to the subject of dating. I realize that we are still married and that's why it hurts me so much about OM2. I agree with your beliefs that we shouldn't do this while married, but she is obviously not on the same page and couldn't give a flying $%#4 about the fact that she's married. Again, this is not what I want, but I just feel like I'm being a fool and so disrespected right now. I am not looking for anything serious, just meeting new people. I'm not trying to hide my pain behind a superficial relationship. All of my friends as well as HER friends are pushing me because of what SHE is doing and has done to me. But then again, they all want me to file a D and move on. No one understands why I'm doing this except for all of you.

So what happens to this new person if your wife decides to come back? It's not fair to date anyone right now because you would basically be using that person just for a good time. You are not free (as in married) to commit to anything. Why would you think about using someone that way?

Thanks, Mulan. I do see the point and I DO want to stay married and fix our relationship. But I'm also very unsure that things are going to work out for us. Now that the opportunity has come up, I guess I am tempted to atleast meet and get to know people. But this is definitely a new crossroad and im hesitant, which is why im here.

Then repair the breach in your personal boundries and stay away from other women.


Think about this. This is how it starts.

Hi PM,
I guess I'm just wanting to test the water. I would tell the new person the truth that I am not ready for anything serious and that I'm married/separated. For all i know, she'll probably run for the door. I do see what everyone is saying and I know that it's not what my heart wants. But what is my other option.. to keep doing what im doing and letting WW eat her cake while I starve? This isn't really what I want, but I'm starting to feel like I have nothing to lse. I dont know. I am going to think long and hard about this one.

Any advice on my other question...re: going to dinner with WW eventhough she just admitted that she's still seeing OM2? She wants to have dinner tomorrow and I have a feeling she will probably see OM2 on Saturday. How sick and twisted is this story? I don't even know how I'd act if we went to dinner.

There is really only one question to answer in all of this: do you want to stay married and work things out, or not? Noone is going to judge you either way, but YOU MUST make that decision--and then stick with it. "Testing the waters" is not an option for a married man. Doesn't matter what she does, or what she has done in the past. What kind of person do YOU want to be? That's the question. If you want to be single, to be free of all this pain, and to move on...then by all means-go FILE. She probably won't fight you...but then again she MIGHT. There is still stuff to deal with b4 you jump back into the dating pool...including a finalized divorce.

Once you decide whether you want to stay married, if the answer is YES, then so is the answer to the other 2 questions (sort of)...going to dinner and letting WW "cake eat while you starve." You have more control over the latter, though, than just sitting around "starving" while she "cake eats." You could be doing all kinds of things to occupy your time, and build yourself back up on the inside while doing a great Plan B. You don't have to keep plan A-ing her if that if how you feel. It all up to you, my friend.

Do you want to stay married and work things out if possible, or not? If so, what plan do you want to be in-A or B? Those are the only 2 questions to focus on at this stage of the game...

You're emotionally not ready for another relationship right now. You're vulnerable and haven't had your EN's met in a long time. It would be easy to get involved in something and end up regretting it. Trust me on this.

Besides it's not about getting back at her or letting her eat cake while you starve- it's not right to date while you're married- and if you do it then she can always look back and say "Well you cheated too" Do you really want that as well??

Only an OW would jump on that.

Exactly. If you decide to date while you are still married, you will have to either:

1) Lie about your marital status so that a respectable woman would be willing to go out with you,
or
2) Settle for a woman who has no conscience about dating a married man.

And as someone else mentioned, you will no longer have a leg to stand on when it comes to telling your WW that "your affair is wrong." Do you really not see that you would be doing *exactly* the same thing that she's doing?? How would that help anything?
Mulan

Thanks, everyone. Please don't get me wrong. Saving my marriage still remains the most important thing to me right now. I know what you are all saying is right. Maybe I just needed to hear it. I'll put "dating" on the back burner for now.

I think plan B is coming very soon. I have an appt. with Jennifer on Tuesday, so I'll wait to see what she says.

A question for anyone who's worked with Jennifer. I set up an appt with her and I'm filling out her Love Bank Inventory. Should I answer these based on how I felt about W before the A or how I'm feeling about WW now? I'm assuming it's how I feel now, but I want to make sure because some of these answers could be very different.

I am just full of stupid questions lately.

I believe it's how you're feeling now.

I filled it out for now as well.

Post deleted by DrowningMan

Someone tell me what is wrong with me and why I'm putting myself through this. We talked today about going to dinner and where we should go and decided on a couple of restaurants. I asked her if she wanted to go out and do something afterwards, but she said she couldnt stay out late because she had to go into the office tomorrow morning. I told her we could reschedule if she was too busy and she immediately says, "maybe we should go next week when I come back." I realized I just shot myself in the foot because I really wanted to see her before she left, but she didn't seem to care one way or the other. I came back and said she got me craving a certain dish at one of the restaurants and I didn't want to wait that long. So, she suggested we go sunday night instead and I agreed.

After work, I went to meet up with some friends and I end up parking next to a car that looks like WWs. In fact, it IS her car, so I called to see where she was. Turns out she is at the same restaurant/bar that I was headed to, but she's with some former coworkers (that work with OM1). We met at the bar for a bit and she got to say hi to some of our friends then we went to a quiet area to talk. It was just a lot of small talk as usual. She said it was good to see me and I tried to get a little closer to her, but she pushes me away and says no. She says, "we can't do this. Not like this" and I have no idea what "Not like this" means. So, we go back to where our friends are and I can see that everyone is feeling awkward. After awhile, she says she has to go home because of work in the morning. I walked her to her car and she gave me a hug like we're just friends and leaves. I stayed at the bar for good 4 hours until everyone was ready to go. On my way home I decided to drive by her house and I see that her car isn't there. So much for going home early. I know exactly who she's with.

Now I've caught her lying again and I feel like an idiot. I just want to file for a D and leave all of this behind me now. What am I doing this to myself for?? I have an appointment with Jennifer, so I don't want to do anything rash until I've spoken with her, but my guts telling me I should just end my misery. I don't think I can take it anymore. Now we have dinner plans on Sunday and I dont know if I should call it off and give her a piece of my mind or if I should go and act oblivious. I'm wondering if this is even worth it anymore and if it would ever be possible to recover from all of this. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that the person who was my W is gone and I should let go of this despicable person who took her place.

Plan B will end the misery and give you back control of the situation *without* the finality (and expense) of divorce. Please talk to Jennifer about going to Plan B. When your "love bank" is approaching empty, as yours clearly is, Plan B is the next step.
Mulan

DM, bud...

What are you doing man? You’re killing yourself by thinking that any nicety she shows is a sign that you should teat the waters. Look at what it's doing to you. You were good until the darn expectations popped in your head. Don't get me wrong because I have the same issue. When I had my first talk with Jennifer, we talked about triggers. This is a major trigger and you want to catch it in your mind and put it aside before you act on it. It takes a little practice but after about a week it became pretty much automatic for me, so it's doable.

What this thing with an OW? I know your ego needs a boost but doing this will just lead to more pain and trouble. Hey if it doesn't work out there will be plenty of time for that.

You're freaking out right now my friend, completely obsessing over trying to see a change in her that you can use to get her back. I understand it took me a couple of 2x4 and a talk with Jennifer to get away from that.

Go to that dinner! Don't make any decisions until after you talk to Jennifer. AND DON"T THROW IN THE TOWEL!!!

Just ask yourself this question before you react, do or say anything... Is what I'm about to do in line with the plan? If it's not don't do it.

And as I have been told many, many, many times....

NO EXPECTATIONS!!!

Hey, be good to yourself!

No, I won't make any decisions until speaking with Jennifer, but I think I'm ready for plan B. I'm getting tired of being treated like a dog and being told "no" as if I'm begging for scraps. I think she just pities me and thinks I can't let go of her. It's growing her ego and she doesn't deserve that. She has no idea why I'm really doing this. No one does unless I sit them down and explain it for an hour. Even my IC was against it until I spent a whole session explaining it her. She understands it now, but still thinks I've done enough. I began doing this for us and to save her from a huge mistake, but now I realize I have to do it for myself. If things don't work out, atleast I'll be able to walk away knowing that I've done everything possible. I'll be at peace with myself.

I am beginning to lose my respect for her, for being so clueless to what she's doing. You would think that someone would take some time before making such huge decisions. You don't jump from a 15 year relationship to an A and to another relationship in the span of 3 months. I've said before, I can understand and forgive her for what happened with the first A, but I'm out of excuses for her. I can't believe she thinks this is the answer. I just want to shake the H#ll out of her, draw it out and say, "look at what you're doing!" I really feel like doing that tomorrow when we go to dinner, which btw I've decided to do still. I'm just not sure how to approach it. I will be calm no matter what, but I don't know if I can try to meet her ENs any longer. If I do, it will be minimal. I'll continue to be friendly and cordial, but I'm thinking of telling her to find a place to store the rest of her belongings.. kind of like a precursor of what's to come. Would that be okay? It's the only thing I can think of that needs to be taken care of before going to plan B. Everything else can be done in my PBL. What does everyone think? Of course I would wait to hear what Jennifer says before going to B, but what about getting the rest of her stuff now?

Sounds like you are ready for Plan B. It is better to go ahead with it than to wait too long. Because there is always the danger that you will lose your love for her.

I would wait and talk to Jennifer and see what she says. Some men have had success with a "Love Must Be Tough" stance - ie telling your wife that you are not her jailer and she is free to go. But it is not really the MB plan.

If you DO go to Plan B, I would ask her to remove the rest of her stuff.