Thanks for all the support.I think my mom and sis are getting tired of me talking about WH so its good to be able to chat here.I too sometimes pity him and IF he ever does wake up after hitting rock bottom I'm not sure I want to be around.I have always been his pillar of support as i'm normally emotionally stronger then him.I know his drinking is a coping mechanism.He has his own demons to face I choose to remove myself from his chaos.Its midnight here so I'm off to bed.sweet dreams!!

While driving home today WH and OP pulled up next to me at robot!!I never see them normally!!I just waved to WH but 5mins later I was in tears.Its torture.Wish I could get angry instead of upset.

hopenpray,

This is one area you do have control in. You control what you think about, but it takes practice and will power.

You have to train your mind to not go there. To not think about him.

I did it with my ex, and I do it today, as I am a very big believer in that old saying "as we think, we are".

When I was in a bad place like you and pretty much obsessed with my ex, a very smart poster here, Shattered Dreams, suggested I start thinking about how I wanted my life to look in a year, two years, etc.

This became the focus of my mind at that time. I started doing fun things, creative things as well as things that would take my life closer to the way I wanted it to be.

Maybe this would help you change the focus of your mind as well as it helped me.

I think once the divorce is final and I know where I'll stand financially,I can then plan ahead too.Cos I got married so young 20yrs old,I've never been on my own and its scary.I work 1/2 day and will most probably have to work full time also selling my home will be hard,will try keep the house but I doubt it.
Friends say he will fall hard and wake up to late,we'll see. A good friend told me to only think of today don't worry about tomorrow...take baby steps..I am a person that likes to be on top of things..now I feel vunerable I suppose.

When does an affair become a relationship?Also how long is the "HONEYMOON PERIOD"?I do worry that if the divorce procedures get ugly is that the same as LB's won't your spouse be turned away permanently even if your did a great plan A/B?I do realise you have to fight for your rights but divorces normally turn nasty.

OP EXH is returning soon from U.K He went overseas cos he couldn't handle OP'S affair with WH.I think even though they were divorced +-5months he was hoping they'd get back together.He was quite a thorn in their side.He is returning with an inheritance so I'm wondering if it will draw OP back to him?Money was an issue with them before.

Hope,

Go read Jamesus thread, and the post from Mortarman on it. He talks of how to not let the divorce issues become L/B's.

As far as when does an affair become a relationship? It doesn't. It will never be good between them hope, because it was started in deceipt. They absolutely cannot trust each other because they know what the other is capable of, and what they have done.

Most affair dies within 2 years, and 97 % die within five years.

If you are not L/B'g, staying caught up in their drama, they will begin to love bust each other in 6 months usually. The chemicals start to wear off then, and by 2 years are normally gone, or back to normal pre-affair.

Go read what Mortarman writes on James post. Also look for Orchid and Mimi's posts. They both recovered their marriages when the WH's were very, very addicted to wierdo OW"S.

Hope,

There's also a good description of Plan B (applicable for you) over on CJ's thread.]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...4] CJ's thread.

Handle your divorce by allowing your lawyer to fight for your rights, but reiterating to your spouse that you really don't want one. You rather reconcile. Make your spouse do the work (filing). Get a lawyer who is on board with protecting you AND fighting for your marriage.

Full time with the WS and OP can be tough on an affair, because the relationship is built on fantasy. Most don't last 2 years. That's why the recommendations of 2-6 months of Plan A, followed by 1-2 years of Plan B.

That's also about the time it takes a BS to eventually lose enough of their love in a good Plan B to be able to step out of the marriage on their terms.

I'm just concerned,surely after a year the fantasy has fallen away?Iread somewhere that an affair needs a marriage to survive.My friend reckons OP's true colours will show once the divorce is finalized.I think she's a bit of a golddigger and will hang on tightly,also her job will be on line

I have got a good female lawyer in the wings!!.

Was CJ a BS?She is very perceptive,I would like to hear what FWH'S/FWW'S think of her thread?

I have read this thread before,makes so much sense

Yup, I believe CJ is a BS. It gives the mindset of what happens during many typical plan B's. When I went into Plan B---my wife had full-time access to her lover. She also had two little kids who she had to explain to where there dad was (I took them for weekends). She had to take care of a house herself. It was great fun for a while for her. But then, the fantasy begins to end. The fact that she got pregnant during it was what we in the States refer to as a "bummer". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Fantasy land---fun for all. Reality---not so...

So sorry to hear what happened to you.We also use the word "bummer' in S.A!!Did you recover your marriage?

I'm going out now to what you call a barbeque,we call a braai!!It's my WH'S former best friends birthday!!All our close friends will be there..WH has lost them all...

If he ever comes out of the fog he will have a lot of damage control to do,thats why I think it will be easier for him to stay foggy!!!

Post deleted by hopenpray

H&P

You are a very fortunate lady.

You have 2 of the wisest posters posting to you right now, Mr. K and Mrs JJ!!!!

Listen up and you will succeed. I think JJ had wonderful advise when she told you to look to the future, where you want to be in a year or two from now. Feature your life, without your WS. Where do you want to be?

I absolutely agree with K about exposure to CEO of WS work.

I did not expose to everyone, well, almost everyone, but not my H parents, the reason being that my H father was always negative and disapproving of him all of his life and I did not see where that would help. I just knew that would be a deal breaker for my H. I know this is a different situation, however, I agree with K, I do not think this would help. I believe selective exposure is the best.

Your kids are getting it about their dad. You have had a tough time but need to be their ROCK right now, as their dear ol' dad is obviously going thru his second childhood, LOL.

Very, very important that you be protective and proactive right now.

If you listen to K and JJ and heed their words, you will definitely end up a MB success story.

Focus on you and being a rock for your kids. I know it isn't easy with teenagers, and it sounds like they are pretty good kids.

Remember, you are WORTHY!!!!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I wonder about you losing the house. Maybe you could try a roommate to help you out? I know, it is hard having someone else, but you could interview and see if this might be an option. Just an idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Mrs M

I have all through this ordeal this past year,felt that God has been supporting and guiding me through by placing wonderful people around me,without them I would have crumbled into a heap.

I am going to concentrate on me and the boys from now on,worrying about WH is pointless,he has to walk his path and find out where that leads.

Our marriage contract states that assets must be divided 50/50.thats why I think we'll have to sell the house or I must pay him out his 50% which I can't do. I will try fight to keep the house though.It's so sad cos WH and myself will go backwards financially all cos of a woman,crazy!!We have been in our home for 20yrs.

Sorry but how do I find Mimi and Orchid's threads?.I'm not very computer literate!

I can't help feeling that because it's a year already and he has filed I really think he has made up his mind.I don't think Plan B will make much difference to him.I do understand that plan B is for ME.I wonder if OP has been pressurising him I know I would have!!I think something major has to happen for him to come back home.I know in the past I had asked him if OP asks about divorce and he said he told her when his ready he will?Such entitlement!!His the boss at work and the boss in her home,I think thats what he likes!

I always think they are blissfully happy,2 romantics in love!

I find it hard to believe the affair will end cos its built on deceit and mistrust...they don't think it is...they have justified to themselves why they are together. WH told OP our marriage was over before he started affair,although I was unaware of that fact!

They look at their relationship totally different to us on the outside.Maybe OP is a nice person? My EXBIL told me if I met her under different circumstances I'd like her!!He did say he once invited them round for drinks and the other woman at the party didn't like her-I think shes a bit of a flirt.

DS 15 is going through a "I dislike dad week"Doesn't want to see him or talk about him..

WH is bringing DS17 home later..I get a knot in my stomach thinking about it.I hate that he has this effect on me.I don't let him come in the house but am worried he might have Christmas presents for boys.
I haven't bought him anything from the boys,they didn't want to.I know he hasn't taken the shopping to buy me something!!

It's such a sad state of affairs!!

Hope,

Christmas is tough. My wife and I like to collect antique decoys---the Christmas that she was involved in the affair, I had been shopping with my kids at an antique store, and found a really nice one. But I decided to leave it there. Just before Christmas, I was doing a load of laundry and found the price tag for that decoy in a load of laundry in the dryer. I thought to myself: "Well, at least she can be thoughful..."

Come Christmas---I never got the duck...

I'm sure I didn't find it nearly as amusing as I do now.

Your job in Plan A and Plan B is to stay in love with your spouse as long as possible, to allow the affair to end in a timeframe where you care about picking up the pieces. You're in a horrible position to judge where you stand---in football terms (I'll use 'soccer'), you feel you're down about 20-nil, with no end in sight. Remember tho, this game isn't timed---there are no 21 goal plays, so you have to be patient and consistent, and let the chips fall where they may. My Plan A and Plan B were enormously effective---but I had no clue that they did anything until we were in recovery.

With regards to presents---just tell him that this situation puts a strain on things during the holidays, and you didn't want him to feel you were pressuring him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Also, a stocking full of coal is always a nice gift...

Have a good Christmas with your family. And STOP thinking about what your husband and OW are up to. It all looks rosey from the outside, but I promise you it isn't.

My ex wants to come back after 4 and a half years. LOL. The affair ended 2 weeks after our divorce. And it was an affair made in heaven, they were soulmates, and all that other garbage.

Now he has a completely different story - he says he was depressed and made foolish choices, blah, blah, blah......

WH dropped DS17 off.He came in the house to give DS15 his xmas presents.I was in my room.DS15 was very abrupt with him.I had just finished decorating the table for xmas lunch tomorrow and the smells of the gammon cooking were wafting through the house,WH's favourite!!I wonder what was going through his mind when he saw the table etc.

DS15 says if we get divorced his never going to OP and WH house again.I stayed in my room-dark plan B!!while he was here.

K my folks are also into antiques,my dads a dealer.I grew up with antiques all around me suffice to say I don't have any in my home!!I do like antique glassware though.Dad reckons you make more money investing in antiques than putting money in the bank!

Good job. And what is gammon?