Hi! I'm new to this... I need support. I feel soo alone. I'm married and my husband cheated on me this past year. It started in the fall of 06... we had a struggling marriage and had been separated several times, mostly bc my husband wouldn't hold down a job... . We had a one year old and one on the way and he was doing better with his job and we were both working really hard to get him trained and in shape bc he was going to try out to be a cop. Then one day, he turned to me and said he decided to give up the cop idea and instead wanted to focus on his 'rockstar' career.(those were his exact words, but what he meant was he wanted to be a famous worship pastor... don't get me started on how jacked up that is..). it was so ridiculous, I'd been supporting his band dreams for years and watched him let us be on welfare, total my car w/o insurance, move a dozen times and borrow from his grandmother who was on soc sec just to get by. I couldn't take it anymore and he just had this flippant attitude about it, so I left again. I moved in with my parents, got a temp job that turned into a permanent salary w/benefits job. I was going to get a divorce once I could afford it, it seemed like he was moving on anyway... he and this 19 year old pastor's daughter would leave each other myspace comments that hinted at that they had something going on, but it wasn't blatant.

Then he got a good job and started coming around, begging for me to take him back, buying me things, treating me with respect, all that. When I questioned him about the pastor's daughter he said she was like a sister to him and that it was completely innocent and that she talked to all of her friends, guys or girls, that way. She did in fact leave myspace comments on his little sister's page that confirmed that... she's like the jet set type, bff right away and pouring her heart out to people she'd known for like 5 mins, even just as friends... More about her later.. so I believed him, but was still uncomfortable with it. So I let it go, we got back together, but they kept in touch, texting. I knew, but he'd had one relationship similar to this before and nothing happened with her, he had been in youth ministry and even with all my objections to relationships like that, his family and the church staff would always take his side... I guess he was smart about it since he formed these 'special connections' with the pastor's daughters so no pastor was going to believe me over their own daughter. So it just made me feel like I was being controlling, paranoid, so I just kept trying to let it go.

Finally after a few months she texted him that 'she knew he wasn't happy (with me)' and then he agreed that she must've developed feelings for him but it was just her, and he said he was done with their 'friendship' so I thought it was over and I was relieved. A couple weeks later, I found some text messages from him to her saying 'I miss you and my heart hurts... i love you, etc.' Again when questioned, his story was that that's just the way she communicates and that it didn't mean anything... but I said no more. He wasn't allowed to talk to her. So he didn't for a couple months. In the mean time I quit my job, I wanted to be a stay at home mom and I was pregnant too, and I guess I'd convinced myself and he'd convinced me that things were getting better.Then he lost his job the beginning of December, and I stuck with him. i was committed to him no matter what, and it wasn't his fault since he just got laid off. His parents still went to the church where her dad was the pastor (they were blind to the inappropriate relationship) and they invited us to the Christmas service. I still felt confused about whether I was being paranoid and controlling, and our marriage being on thin ice... I gave in. We went, me 8 mos prego and when we got there, the entire service was the pastor, his wife, his two daughters (the younger one being the ow) and his son in law leading music and sharing their spiritual blah blah blah. So of course to my husband, whose dreams were to be a famous worship leader this family looked like the solution to his dreams, and I was holding him back. After all, she told him to 'follow his dreams' and bs like that that teenagers with no responsibilities and their daddy's checkbook say. They started texting again and by the first week in Jan they had decided that he was going to leave me. Meanwhile, all through the fall she was 'courting' his family under the guise of the pastor's daugther/ his little sister's friend/ his 'bff' friend/ family friend. They all loved her. Even his grandmother. She came over and hung out with them, his mom taught her how to cook and none of them made the connection. But they were good at their game. They were good at hiding their feelings and explaining away their 'bff' friendship. I'm not sure if his family knew I disagreed with the relationship, but even if they did, they too would rationalize it because i was 'controlling'.

On jan 7th, it was his little sister's bday party and we went and pastor's daughter was there too. My H's little sister didn't have a lot of friends, so her friendship meant a lot to her. (she had developed more like a sister bc she planned on being her sis in law. I wish I could explain how much that hurt me.. I had developed a relationship with my sis in law for 7 years and this girl comes in and takes my place and still to this day she considers her practically a sister) They went go cart racing, and since i was prego and had a 1 year old, I stayed back along with my sis in law who had a newborn. She told me that the ow had been over at the inlaws house the previous week, the same time that my husband was over there 'helping' his dad work on the house!!!. They played a good game, just enjoyed at least being around each other at least and nothing physical went on at that time. But this information blew my mind, because he wasn't allowed to talk to her so much as hang out in the same house, plus he never told me she'd been there. The only reason he was allowed to be around her this time was for his sister's sake and I thought it would be safe since there were a lot of people around.

They got back from go cart racing and I was quietly upset, but i wasn't going to start anything. He asked me what was wrong and i said nothing, but he wouldn't let it go. it turned into what we call 'family fight night'. basically his entire family and the girl and her little friends defending himself and herself and me standing alone saying that their relationship was messed up and not right. His mom actually said to me "you are so controlling that he's not even allowed to have friends.' even though she had been cheated on by her husband in the past, and even after i told her about the 'i love you .. miss you' messages. The girl said something like 'how dare you attack my character.' I couldn't believe it... they even all spontaneously went with the lie that the ow had only been there once during the week when my sis in law (she'd had her troubles with our inlaws and we'd kind of banded together so she at least showed me loyalty).

I'm not really experienced with lies, deceit, taking sides... my parents were always really good about not getting everyone involved, being fair, and telling the truth even
if the truth didn't make you look so good.

It was a long fight. They never backed down. Instead it was all about how I'm a horrible person, etc. I didn't know what to think in regard to their relationship, but I remained persistent that it was inappropriate. It eventually ended and we went home together but on the way home he said I needed to leave our house that night, without my 1 year old. I didn't want to put her in the middle so I left, but I filed for divorce the next day so I could get legal custody of her. He'd humiliated me, caused me to be under serious stress, and actually kicked me out of our house 9 months pregnant.

I had my son a week later. I let my H be there, I wasn't so cruel to make him miss the birth of our child, but he text messaged her the whole time. I felt so alone and just pretended to be asleep when I was really quietly crying. I was so sad to know the circumstances that my son was coming into. I felt listless and here I was giving birth to a baby and I had no energy or motivation. Fortunately, God blessed me that night and it was a very easy delivery.

A week later we went to court and agreed to separation terms, etc. He had convinced me that they really were just friends. Her dad (a pastor!!) had even given him a job at the church doing maintenance, but he would eventually take the worship pastor position after some time had passed since they had just let go of the former worship pastor and they didn't want it to seem like they'd fired him for my husband. NO one batted an eye. The pastor's family knew they had feelings for each other, but apparently it was ok to them. No one questioned their relationship being wrong. Her bro in law actually asked my husband how serious he was about her and when he'd be ready to settle down and start a family. Our divorce wasn't even final yet.

This kind of freaked my husband out that this family, in 'Christian' ministry totally ok with it. It turns out the pastor too was cheating on his wife. Seeing what he was doing to me through what the pastor was doing to his wife was the first step in coming out of the self justification that he had fallen into.

Anyway, this pretty much opened his eyes and he resigned from his position and walked away from the church. He deleted all the numbers from the church burned the bridges and asked me for his forgiveness.

I forgave him. We got back together (he still denied anything more than a friendship)... but a week into it out of the blue, I asked him if he'd slept with her and he was silent. I had taken him off guard, he was thinking of a lie, and I knew. He had slept with her. Yes, he slept with her while we were separated, but it's not like those feelings developed overnight. He probably would have done it, had he had the opportunity while we were still together, i don't doubt that. He had even manipulated BACK into our marriage. He continued to lie for a couple weeks after that, but finally he decided to be a man and be honest about everything. I stuck with him. We went to counseling. He's attempted suicide a couple times because of all the guilt. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to understand. I still don't, though.

It's been nine months since he walked away from her, her family, his future as worship leader. But the web of lies they spun still gets to me. She's still one his little sister's 'top friends' on myspace... even though she's not allowed to see her. Even after my H and I got back together, the ow still posted on her myspace 'bff forever, no matter what' or something like that.

His life is an open book to me, and he has proven to be trustworthy, although I still check up on him. He has grown up a lot and taken responsibility for the past, but he's had a lot of painful issues to work through himself.

Some people, maybe most will think I'm an idiot for forgiving him, but that was a choice I had to make for myself. My grandfather cheated on my grandmother when my mom was a baby, and my grandmother refused to forgive him. So he moved on and got married, not to the ow, but a decent lady, had a family and was a decent guy, but my grandma was left to raise my mom as a single mom. He lived in another state and my mom barely knew him and it showed that she had issues bc of it. I didn't want that to be me or my kids. I love him, I love the father he is to our kids, and I wanted to give him a second chance. He will not get a third chance, let me be absolutely clear of that. The crap stops here. i knew in my times of choosing whether or not to forgive him that it could be the worst or best decision of my life, but i decided to trust God and his word was telling me to forgive.

There's so much I'm leaving out... I don't really know how to put it all in words. I decided to forgive her too even though she didn't apologize. And a couple of weeks ago, I asked her to apologize and she did.. Although I do still struggle with resentment at her... she did pursue him at times. I keep trying to move on, to do everything I can to deal with it right, but I still feel so heavy. So sad, abandoned. I hate how my life got so complicated. I hate that not many people support my decision to forgive my husband. I hate that I feel so alone, so trampled on, so disrespected. I feel like people look at me differently, like they've lost respect for me bc no self respecting woman would put up with this crap. I literally feel traumatized and i don't know how to deal with it.

I don't know how to not obsess over the ow's myspace page (she's been engaged already, but he left her for another woman, which kind of made me feel like she got what she deserved, but then I know how much that hurts so I feel really sad for her too. She's truly been through a lot this year.. her dad cheated, she became an adulterer, her mom tried to commit suicide when she found out about her dad's affair, her dad's church is dwindling...has lost over half its members, and still he continues his lies to the church bc he's set up in a half a million dollar house, goes on trips, buys cars, all on the church's dime. I wish I were making all this up).. It was just so much drama, so much crap. I don't know how to process all this, even now when a lot of time has passed. Plus I have a two and a half year old and a ten month old I have taken care of every single day on days when I didn't so much feel like getting out of bed. I feel so broken, ashamed... and yet I feel guilty too bc I feel like I should not be so negative, but instead be grateful for the blessings in my life. I am confused. I just want to be done with it, to not think about it.

Even with the little bit that i've read on this site and the basic concepts I feel like my eyes have been opened to a lot of things, and my husband and I see that we fell out of love and are working on getting each other back in love... but still I just feel like I need to be able to talk and analyze the situation. I also struggle with comparing myself to her.

I have issues with my ILs, not necessarilly A related but partly...I resent the fact that my inlaws never apologized for their part in the affair. I suspect that my MIL was recently logging into and reading my email as well as my myspace account, which I then deleted... trying to set boundaries since she apparently has none for herself. She checked my email back when we were dating too...

I just feel so very depressed, unmotivated. I lost many friends in the midst of our drama that has been going on pretty much the entire length of our relationship... Many people keep their distance from me, I can tell they are just waiting for things to fall apart again. I know that I should appreciate that they're there if I need them, but it sucks that I don't think they really support my choice to forgiev. Sorry, I'm rambling. I just need some encouragement.

"His life is an open book to me, and he has proven to be trustworthy, although I still check up on him. He has grown up a lot and taken responsibility for the past, but he's had a lot of painful issues to work through himself."

Well, this is a good start. Sadly, you aren't going to "get over" this, or even start feeling better about his affair for at least 2 years. So welcome to MB. There are lots of folks here going through the same thing. Stick with us.

It is a good start, I guess... but I feel confused. He's depressed so much of the time and I feel like I have to compensate... I don't feel like I've ever had it be "all about me" and my feelings and what I'm going through. I feel like my side of it is bothersome and deepens his depression and therefore I have to set my feelings aside in order for life to not plummet into destruction. Yes, he's answered my questions, but that usually starts or ends with a fight, and me feeling guilty for bringing it up. Practically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, we are barely hanging on by a thread, and I feel so much pressure, like if I fall apart so will our life. And, in all honesty, I sooo need to fall apart. Is that selfish?

Fireblossom, wow, your husband is so lucky to be married to someone like you. I don't think you realize how big of a person you are.

Best of luck to you.

Fire,

I completely understand the feeling of being alone with "your circle of friends and family and they don't understand your actions". They can't because they aren't in your shoes or your M.

When I am desparately alone, I come here and read about others who are struggling with their own pains. You are so not alone. I am way to new to give any advie accept to let you know there are so many people who will come around and help you.

Please read up on as much as you can and ask questions. I'm sorry you are here and I am really sorry you are in pain. This truly is a horrible time, but G-d will turn it into something good one day. I have come to terms with this and want you to know you are in a safe place to learn and heal.

Queenie

fireblossom, I really feel for you. Ontop of everything, there is also trying to come to terms with how a pastor's family could do such things.

I know - my XH was a pastor's son - and was even in ministry himself. He was a worship leader, raising his hands to God infront of the church - and cheating on me at the same time.

Don't loose heart. God see's everything and you aren't the insane one. Stay around and you will truly get great help here.

A big hug to you.

how old is your husband...??

ark

FB:

A very difficult situation. How are things with him now?

Regarding m*space, I recommend you get a program that blocks it. Probably some innocent uses for it, but from what I have seen and heard, does so much harm.

It seems that your H didn't even want to tell you about the affair even after you took him back, so, how many others know about the affair?

These people who are not supporting you, are they doing it even without the knowledge of te actual affair?

Have you consider moving away with your family. A brand new environment without the same people around might help the recovery process.

FB..please be advised that best angel is a troll. She/he has posted under numerous names and even impersonated another poster. Please be advised that "it" is not here to help.

Things are slowly getting better. Most of the time it's 2 steps forward and one step back. We've worked through a lot of relationship issues, boundary issues, but there's still a long way to go. I really don't know where to go from here. He's told me several times especially lately that he just wants to move on, not talk or think about it anymore, but it's still on my mind.

I've never felt freedom and safety to just talk about it. I sort of sense this 'why are you going to ruin a perfectly good day with this stuff' attitude. But it's on the 'good days' when he's not falling apart that I feel is an opportunity to bring it up since so many days are about keeping him together, and I need, and believe I -deserve- a turn WITHOUT a guilt trip.

He has come a long way, I don't want to take away from that. The majority of our relationship he acted like a self centered 16 year old, so he's done a lot of growing up this year... but I REALLY need him to be a full grown 27 year old man and NOW, to help me deal with our very grown up life and problems.

Maybe there's something wrong with me, that I don't have the right skills or send the message clearly that I need to be comforted, and I need to talk. I was pretty emotionally neglected as a child, so that would make sense. I want him to know that when I talk to him about this, that I need eye contact, body language that conveys that he is concerned for me and empathizes with my pain, an oppenness that says, 'if this matters to you, then it matters to me' and 'we can talk about this until YOU feel ready to move on'. Instead, what I do get is a feeling that I am doing HIM damage by bringing up his past sins.

Fire,


Why not start by telling him this. His desire to just put it behind you is text book for a FWS. Unfortunately, it takes years to reach the point where the BS does not wake up every single day with the thought about the A or the OP.

A note of encouragement ... that too does pass with the right comforting and reassurance from the FWS. Just takes time.

Who

If you have problem communicating to him what YOU need to move on and can't just pretend it never happened, you may consider putting it in writing if verbal communication seems hard at times and confrontational. Put it in writing allows him to read it again and again and it allows you to put it in a way you want with time on your side to re-think and re-write if you have to where verbal communication, you can't take it back that easily.

Thank you, Who! I will tell him this... and thanks for the encouragement and understanding. It feels really good to have someone whose been in my shoes and is now on the other side giving me advice.

BA, please leave me alone. I've read your advice to others and have to agree that you're not helping.

26-27 year old man with a 17 18 year old...

that's a deal breaker for me..
and a boundary I wouldn't budge

its abuse as far as I am concerned...

I truly believe that

I don't give a rats behind about how grownup a person looks...developementally they dont' have the life experiences deal with grown up issues....

your husband took advantage of a very young girl......and mucked the whole ball of mess along with the religious CRAP he spewed....

If I were you I would take my children and leave..
I would encourage the young girl to press charges if anything happened with them while she was a minor...

I am sorry this has happpened...but in my book this IS a deal breaker for a marriage...

ARK

FB,

My heart just goes out to you. You've gone through a lot. Double-betrayal... by your WH and by church leaders. I really hope that you have not let this affect your faith in God. People are people and not everyone who "proclaims His name" is for real.

You've come to the right place. MB is a WONDERFUL place for healing your marriage and growing personally.

We're neighbors by the way. I live in Plano too. If you'd like to talk just let me know and I'll send you my email or cell phone number.

Another thing, please ignore any advice from BestAngel or BestAdvisor. She/He/It is a troll on these boards and is a very dishonest person who should not be here. There's an ignore feature that you can choose to ignore this person.

(((Fire)))

fireblossom,

I don't know what BA has said to other posters but the advice he/she is giving you here is a bullseye in my opinion.

Best of luck

FB (and Cymanca)

BA has attempted to impersonate one of MB posters (SchoolBus), has stalked Sexymamabear and her husband Tst (even though they've repeatedly asked BA to leave them alone), has ignored repeated requests that BA share the reason WHY BA is here and to share BA's story to prove some kind of validity to BA's motives, and continues to give out anti-MB advice. The advice you've received from BA up to this point would be just luck (mimicking what BA's heard before) and not really based on BA's knowledge of MB principles.

With that said, you can choose to listen to BA or not, it's up to you. Just be warned that BA's motives are not pure otherwise BA would be honest with everyone.

princess,

Sorry, I am not a daily reader anymore. Will file BA's name in my baddie file.

I understand, I just didn't want you to think that we were being unfair. BA typically goes after the newbies and one of us will usually post a warning just trying to look out for the them.