Ark, I think she MADE her decision already to work on her marriage and let's just focus on that.

I do agree that if he in the future does anything remotely to cheating again in any form of EA or even flirting, she should really re-consider about her future plans.

I will continue to ignore any BA-bashing, especially if one cannot point directly to any of my advice that's destructive, unsound, or otherwise.

BA, your destructive, unsound or otherwise advice HAS been pointed out to you over and over again and you choose to IGNORE requests for answers about you. Ignore all you want, just shows more of your character. If you want to discuss this further, then I INVITE you to start your own thread and PROVE that you mean no harm.

Sorry FB, I won't address any more posts to BA on your thread.

Are you aware that you and your husband can get telephone counseling from one of the Harley's (the creators and owners of this site)? If you can afford it, it's well worth the $$.

Arc, I respect your opinion. However, I believe that telling me to leave my husband based on very little information is not wise. Like I said in my post, she was 18 (he was 26) at the time of the A. Not only that, she made her choices. Yes, there is an element that my H took advantage of her, but there's more to it than that. Like I said, I was not able to put everything that went on in my post.

In August when I suspected something was going on, I personally emailed her father and I informed him that I believed that something was going on between his D and my H, and that I felt it was inapropriate. He replied that now that his D was 18 he doesn't get involved in her decision making.

What I know now: Almost to the day that I sent that email, (maybe because of it) her mother asked her if something was going on and she said she had feelings for my H. Her mother was supportive, but replied 'he has to NOT be married.' Not only that, but her dad made it the assoc pastor's job to deal with it which was to tell them to keep things status quo... 'we don't want your dad's image to be damaged'.

Add on to the fact, that the pastor took my H under his wing and told him, 'I'm going to give you advice as if you were my own son: let her go (meaning me). Be like Bruce willis and Demi Moore. For the kids.' Not, 'fight for your marriage,' no meetings, counseling sessions, nothing. Just, 'let her go.' He had his daughter's interest at heart when advising my H spiritually.

No one forced the OW to walk in a room of 15 people and bold faced LIE to me and everyone in it about her relationship. She could've stayed in the other room, let the whole situation die out instead of escalate it. No one forced her to lie for months and months on end period. She made her choice.

So, my H was taken advantage of by the pastor, who instead of offering biblical advice acted as the devil's advocate and even betrayed his own daughter in the process, who took advantage of him for his daughter's sake, his daughter got taken advantage of by my H, a lot of people lied, got lied to and partook and supported the A within the walls and authority of church leadership. We could go in circles all day about who's responsible for what and how much, I know, I've wasted my life on it. Authority was abused on many levels by many people. Or we could say 'it is what it is.'

Yes, it absolutely sucks for the OW, whom I do have a heart for and whom I've made peace with and we even call each other friend, although we have no contact at this time.

My husband walked away from her, the church, his JOB, his friends, even his own father wouldn't speak to him for months because my H had 'hurt' the OW's feelings and his abrupt departure from the church and music program embarrassed him. He withstood maybe a hundred text messages from the Ow, church staff, friends.. And, he did it with no inkling of hope that I would ever take him back. For all he'd done wrong, he deserves some credit for that.

He was wrong. He knows it. He regrets it. It kills him. He was scared to tell me because he thought he would lose me and my kids forever, but he did tell me. Yes, i figured it out, but I had no proof. He could've lied his way out of that one too if he wanted, just like he had in the past, but he didn't. It took him two weeks to be 100% forthcoming with all the details, but to me, that is a reasonable amount of time to get the courage to tell someone you love hurtful information.

If you still think I'm wrong, fine. I came here for support of me, my marriage, and even my husband. If you don't want to do that then don't.

And no, amazingly, my faith is not affected because of this. Rather, it is strengthened. I love my God.. I love my Savior. I am however more aware of the power of sin in people's lives, including church leaders and it has only taught me to trust the wisdom that God's word speaks to me. My God protected the weak, the innocent. We were all damaged, but not destroyed. My innocent children live in a whole family and my husband and i are committed to doing what it takes to have a HAPPY marriage.

there is no defense for a grown man toying with the emotions of a child...and I don't care when her birthday was/is...

His age and her age emotionally developementally...life experiences....are vastly huge...

he should make reperations to her...
he's probably done some serious emotional damage to her...

ARK

again, like i said in my post he apologized to her, WITH my permission. Doing anything more would be unwise considering the situation.

And if you make the argument that it is somehow much worse because of where she was developmentally, you could make the argument that my H was UNDERdeveloped emotionally.

They were both adults. They both made their choices.

FB, I was 19 when I married my 26 year-old husband. At that time, I was way more mature than him emotionally. So the shoe doesn't always fit and what's done is done. You guys have children together and MB is about restoring marriages and families if possible.

The point is to begin healing now and you are willing to do that with your husband. From what you've written, your husband is truly remorseful. But in order to build a better marriage, heal from his infidelity and affair-proof your marriage, you guys really need to plug into the materials on this website. Read, read, read!

Hopefully some of the vets will come along and help you get started.

Your husband is obviously underdeveloped....

and what he did was worse than having an affair with an EQUAL peer...

he was in full advantage...
on a multitude of levels over her....

she is where she is devolopementally based on a multitude of facts

logistics
number of years on the planet
lack of self sufficiency
emotional growth
and not close to having the same experiences as a GROWN man with a wife and child....

your husbands so called ADULTNESS had much much more under his belt than she....

it was a unequal relationship on many many levels...

I hope he is in serious counseling for that...

As much as we like to make our children grow up faster than are...

the scientific developemental stages don't alter in reality to meet our own reality....


look your tale is very sad...

but would wish a 28 year old man on your 18 year old daughter...
can you hope that for her..

ARK

Sorry ArK, but I have to agree with FB here. All 18 yo's are not children and this OW certainly was old enough to know what Married means. If anyone led her astray, it appears to be her own parents.

Certainly FB's FWH was wrong on several counts, but his primary responsibility has always been his own family. He messed up by letting himself get carried away by inappropriate attention from the OW.

I doubt very much that this OW was at all innocent in this. She certainly had no qualms about standing up before her fathers congregation and denying what she knew to be true.

FB,

I think you are generous to have forgiven her but can't emphasize strongly enough the need for NC of any kind with her and any of her family ever.

Who

HOW DARE YOU??!!! INVOLVE MY CHILD, so much as to wish that on her. THAT is dispicable. SHE WAS NOT A CHILD. SHE was an adult. YOU CREATE YOUR OWN DEFINITIONS OF 'ADULT' for whatever supports your own purpose and your OWN emotional baggage. And yet again, 3/3 you have the facts incorrect. HE WAS 26, SHE 18.

IF, that was my ADULT DAUGHTER, I would have NOT told her it was ok. I would not have supported it. I would have not taken that man under my wing. I wouldn NOT have invited him into my own home. I would NOT have given him a job, encouraged them to spend the night together at her siblings home. WHICH, by the way my husband refused. I would've avoided him like the plague and made it known in every way possible that I didn't approve, however that I still LOVED HER.

this sucks. i come on here to get support and again, I am left to defend myself. even on a website full of people forgiving their spouses for betrayal I am singled out.

What am I doing wrong?

oh OK clarify adult daughter....

cause magically on the night of their 18th birthday...magic comes in to their brains...

and suddenly they function equal to a 27 year old married man's brain...

got it...

17 child...
18 magically an adult....and I believe this affair spans a year and a half...and really the year and a half of emotional then physical affair...
stunted this poor girl even more in her developement and chances of healthy relationship with her peers...19 19 20 year olds...need to be with peers in relationships...the gap is pretty big here....not the same in 30 and 40s...but pre 21 to well over 21...big gap....

I don't create my own definitions there is no way emotionally that an 18 year old is EQUAL to a 26 year old whose married with a child...

no matter how hard we wish it....

would you let your husband be a youth leader...

I can't comprehending respecting a man who had an affair with a nineteen year old...
did she still live at home with mom and dad at the time as well.....

ARK

FB,

I think my response to Ark hit the same time as your response. Please go back and read it. I am in your court on this one. All 18 YO's are NOT children or INNOCENT.

Frankly, I don't know what religion OW father is, but I think if it were me, I'd report his lack of a strong moral compass to his superiors. He is unfit to preach the Word of God.

Who

Thanks for your support, who. I'm just going to let it go I guess, but wishing that on my daughter is very ugly in my opinion.

Her father is in the religion of small time 'mega church'. He has no superiors.. ok, he does, they're his 'best friends'. There is no recourse. I have documented evidence that he led a fund raiser where the charity didn't receive the funds. I have documented evidence that he lied in his from the pulpit regarding his experience. But were I to report it to the 'elders' ie his best friends, their job is in destroying the evidence. I found all this out bc i had to know for myself if he was a liar or if my H was making up a bigger than life lie to distract from what he'd done.

I think it's great that you're able to forgive this OW, but I think you should not talk to her again. What about moving? Is it possible financially to start over at a new environment with new people?

Your H having had sex with the 17/18 year old is not only adultery but it is rape in some states.

But forget all that.

I would divorce him (were he my husband) just for the very fact he is trying to be a PASTOR in a CHURCH and he still behaves like the DEVIL hiding behind religion.

He only wants to pastor so he can build his own ego and maybe make money. This is so corrupt you should indeed divorce him regardless of his little 17 year old "friend", rape victim, etc.

For the man that he is, and the bad character and bad values he lives by and the corruptness and hypocricy he is in being a man of the church and all, I would divorce him so quick his "fake pastor" head would spin.

I dont know why you married this man or had his children. I think you need to deal with some hurt or low self esteem issues you have so that you dont make a mistake like this one again. You know, the mistake of marrying a horrendous man like this one pretending to be a Christian Pastor while having no respect for God or the Church and raping young girls.

What crazy church is this so I never accidently attend...

fireblossom..

I didn't wish it on your daughter...
I think it's pretty clear that I think it's awful for a eighteen year old....


I asked you would it be OK for your 18 year old...

is the age issue not an issue with you....

cause that to me is THE issue....

I'm sure you can get lots of support...
but I would hope you make it clear to him that he is to have NO contact with youth groups in any capacity...
that's be a wise boundary for your husband....

and to place more blame on her parents than on to him..
incomprehensible...

ARK

Ark and Stellakat,

I have known to be harsh on WS and even BS who just don't get it, meaning they allow themselves to be doormats and being cheated on again and again. That's how I got the reputation on this board as a "troll." With that being said, EVEN I think the two of you are a little harsh on fireblossom.

She has ALREADY MADE a decision to work on her marriage and she truly believes (with reasons) that her husband is remorseful, why don't we just focus on helping her coping and dealing with the mess instead of judging her on her decision that she has already made. Com'on now guys, have some compassion for her.

BA